Dad's Suit

DaniBites · July 2015

Ok guys I have a weird one.

Would it be rude to ask my uncle to please not wear my dad's suit to the wedding?

After my dad died last year my mom gave my uncle (her brother) a lot of his coats. She also gave him a suit my dad got when we went to Italy together. He (dad) loved it and wore it to both my graduations, it's the only suit I can really remember seeing him in.

Since getting the clothes my uncle's worn the coats to family parties a few times and every time I see my dad's clothes being worn on someone else it takes my breath away for a few minutes. I'm worried he's going to wear my dad's suit to the wedding and honestly I don't know if I can handle seeing him in it when my dad should have been there wearing it and walking me down the aisle.

I know it's really rude to dictate attire, but is that what I'd be doing here if I asked him to wear a different suit?

climbingsingle · July 2015

Ugh. I'm really split on this one. Your mom gave your uncle the suit. If it had a lot of meaning, she should have kept it or asked if you if you wanted it. And yes, you should never dictate attire to anyone ever. But I can see why seeing this suit on your wedding day especially might upset you.

Is it possible your uncle only has your dad's suit and no others?

Maggie0829 · July 2015

I'm with climbing on this one. I can understand your feelings, but this suit is now your Uncle's to wear when he would like. I think your best course of action is just to prepare yourself for the possibility that your Uncle will wear your Dad's suit to your wedding. If you accept that now, then there will be less chance of you having a moment when you see it at your wedding.

Also, your Uncle may be wearing your Dad's things because it may make him feel like his brother is close by and he likes that feeling. I am sure he is not wearing them to cause you any stress or make you upset. In the end, and I hope this doesn't sound cold, but it is just a suit. It sucks so much that your Dad will not be at your wedding, but instead of looking at this suit as a thing that brings sad feelings, try and turn that around and look at it like a part of your Dad is there with you. Make it a positive thing and then you won't have such bad reactions when you see your Uncle wearing your Dad's clothes.

Jen4948 · July 2015

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Your uncle may want to wear the suit for the very reason you don't want him to-because it brings back memories of your father, whom he loved too-for more years than you had with him.

I can understand how that makes you feel sad, but the suit is your uncle's to wear whenever he likes, and it really wouldn't be appropriate to tell him (or any other adult) how to dress for your wedding. I'd instead be prepared for that possibility and try to work out how you can deal with it. Maybe see the suit as a sign that your father is with you in spirit?

lachattefatale · July 2015

I'm not sure it would be rude to ask him not to wear it--it's not his appearance you're trying to dictate but your own emotions--but it might be better to have a conversation about it. Instead of, "Hey, please don't wear the suit" maybe start off with, "Hey, so that suit...I have some mixed feelings about it. Can we discuss it?"

Because everything PP have said is true. It's your uncle's suit now. Your uncle might want to feel close to your dad through the suit. Your uncle might not have any other suits. It might totally be okay for you to lose it on your wedding day and miss your dad.

We're coming up on the 1-year anniversary of FFIL's death this weekend. FSMIL gave FI a few of his dad's shirts, but they're just sitting in the back of the closet because he can't bring himself to wear them. He's worn his dad's watch a couple of times on special occasions, but even that much is hard for him. Your uncle might not be ready to wear his brother's stuff yet, either, you know? So have that conversation and grieve together some more and come to some agreement about the suit, one way or the other.

DaniBites · July 2015

Thanks for the feedback everyone!

I think I'd be ok with it if it was my Dad's brother, but it's my mom's brother who got along with my dad but they weren't close.

I didn't care about the coats but I really didn't want my mom to give him the suit. But then I felt bad and figured why not let the thing get some use, it's not like I'm going to wear it.

I guess the ship has sailed and I'll have to brace myself to see it on him on my wedding day

I'm pretty sure he doesn't have another one.

Thanks again for the feedback!

[Deleted User] · July 2015

Jen4948 said:

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Your uncle may want to wear the suit for the very reason you don't want him to-because it brings back memories of your father, whom he loved too-for more years than you had with him.
I can understand how that makes you feel sad, but the suit is your uncle's to wear whenever he likes, and it really wouldn't be appropriate to tell him (or any other adult) how to dress for your wedding. I'd instead be prepared for that possibility and try to work out how you can deal with it. Maybe see the suit as a sign that your father is with you in spirit?

Uncle is Mom's brother, not Dad's brother.

CMGragain · July 2015

I can think of a lot of things to be sentimentally attached to, but a suit isn't one of them.
My late mother had an obscene amount of expensive clothing and junk jewelry. Who needs 13 strands of fake pearls? At her memorial service, I laid out the jewelry on a big table and invited her friends to take as much of it as they wished. There was a mob scene. Mother didn't want her "things" to go to Goodwill. She would have been much happier if people she knew could wear them and enjoy them. They actually had the "Betty Smith Memorial Fashion Show and Sale" after we left! Mom was proud of her clothes. She would have hated to waste them. She was also a horrible snob and racist, and she wouldn't want "poor people" to have them, either. (Ugh! Mom and I didn't always agree on things.)
I'll bet your Dad would have been pleased that his BIL is making good use of his suit.

julieanne912 · July 2015

CMGragain said:

I can think of a lot of things to be sentimentally attached to, but a suit isn't one of them.
My late mother had an obscene amount of expensive clothing and junk jewelry. Who needs 13 strands of fake pearls? At her memorial service, I laid out the jewelry on a big table and invited her friends to take as much of it as they wished. There was a mob scene. Mother didn't want her "things" to go to Goodwill. She would have been much happier if people she knew could wear them and enjoy them. They actually had the "Betty Smith Memorial Fashion Show and Sale" after we left! Mom was proud of her clothes. She would have hated to waste them. She was also a horrible snob and racist, and she wouldn't want "poor people" to have them, either. (Ugh! Mom and I didn't always agree on things.)
I'll bet your Dad would have been pleased that his BIL is making good use of his suit.

I can't think of any appropriate time that someone can dictate or even have an opinion about how someone else mourns the death of their parent.

photokitty · July 2015

UO: if I knew it was going to depress me than I would ask him not to wear it. We tell people not to have empty seats and other stuff that would depress people at weddings. If you don't tell you uncle how you feel he'll never know. I get that it is rude, but I would already be emotional at my wedding without my dad and be be missing him immensely...I can't imagine that I would be able to hold it together if I did a double take thinking my dad just walk into the church.

Hell I'd offer to buy him a suit if it is his only one. I bet he doesn't know how you feel and would happy to accommodate the request, it is an understandable one.

CMGragain · July 2015

photokitty said:

UO: if I knew it was going to depress me than I would ask him not to wear it. We tell people not to have empty seats and other stuff that would depress people at weddings. If you don't tell you uncle how you feel he'll never know. I get that it is rude, but I would already be emotional at my wedding without my dad and be be missing him immensely...I can't imagine that I would be able to hold it together if I did a double take thinking my dad just walk into the church.

Hell I'd offer to buy him a suit if it is his only one. I bet he doesn't know how you feel and would happy to accommodate the request, it is an understandable one.

What a great idea! Ditto!

DaniBites · July 2015

photokitty said:

UO: if I knew it was going to depress me than I would ask him not to wear it. We tell people not to have empty seats and other stuff that would depress people at weddings. If you don't tell you uncle how you feel he'll never know. I get that it is rude, but I would already be emotional at my wedding without my dad and be be missing him immensely...I can't imagine that I would be able to hold it together if I did a double take thinking my dad just walk into the church.

Hell I'd offer to buy him a suit if it is his only one. I bet he doesn't know how you feel and would happy to accommodate the request, it is an understandable one.

First bolded: THIS. This is why I'm nervous about it. On Christmas he walked in wearing my dads coat (First Christmas without my dad so that may be why it happened) and I thought my Dad walked into my aunt's apartment. I know I'm going to be in a glass case of emotions that day and I don't want to fall apart.

Second bolded: I considered this! I wanted to ask you guys first but if it was the only one I'd have no problem getting him a suit. My mom even offered when I was talking to her about whether or not he was wearing it.

CMGragain said:

I can think of a lot of things to be sentimentally attached to, but a suit isn't one of them.
My late mother had an obscene amount of expensive clothing and junk jewelry. Who needs 13 strands of fake pearls? At her memorial service, I laid out the jewelry on a big table and invited her friends to take as much of it as they wished. There was a mob scene. Mother didn't want her "things" to go to Goodwill. She would have been much happier if people she knew could wear them and enjoy them. They actually had the "Betty Smith Memorial Fashion Show and Sale" after we left! Mom was proud of her clothes. She would have hated to waste them. She was also a horrible snob and racist, and she wouldn't want "poor people" to have them, either. (Ugh! Mom and I didn't always agree on things.)
I'll bet your Dad would have been pleased that his BIL is making good use of his suit.

Yeah the suit is a weird thing to be attached to but it was one of the only things I wanted to keep. He didn't wear it often but he wore it to both my graduations, the only occasions I can think of where he was REALLY proud of me. He fell into horrible depression before he died and I remember him being happy wearing that suit.

julieanne912 · July 2015

DaniBites said:

photokitty said:

UO: if I knew it was going to depress me than I would ask him not to wear it. We tell people not to have empty seats and other stuff that would depress people at weddings. If you don't tell you uncle how you feel he'll never know. I get that it is rude, but I would already be emotional at my wedding without my dad and be be missing him immensely...I can't imagine that I would be able to hold it together if I did a double take thinking my dad just walk into the church.

Hell I'd offer to buy him a suit if it is his only one. I bet he doesn't know how you feel and would happy to accommodate the request, it is an understandable one.

First bolded: THIS. This is why I'm nervous about it. On Christmas he walked in wearing my dads coat (First Christmas without my dad so that may be why it happened) and I thought my Dad walked into my aunt's apartment. I know I'm going to be in a glass case of emotions that day and I don't want to fall apart.

Second bolded: I considered this! I wanted to ask you guys first but if it was the only one I'd have no problem getting him a suit. My mom even offered when I was talking to her about whether or not he was wearing it.

CMGragain said:

I can think of a lot of things to be sentimentally attached to, but a suit isn't one of them.
My late mother had an obscene amount of expensive clothing and junk jewelry. Who needs 13 strands of fake pearls? At her memorial service, I laid out the jewelry on a big table and invited her friends to take as much of it as they wished. There was a mob scene. Mother didn't want her "things" to go to Goodwill. She would have been much happier if people she knew could wear them and enjoy them. They actually had the "Betty Smith Memorial Fashion Show and Sale" after we left! Mom was proud of her clothes. She would have hated to waste them. She was also a horrible snob and racist, and she wouldn't want "poor people" to have them, either. (Ugh! Mom and I didn't always agree on things.)
I'll bet your Dad would have been pleased that his BIL is making good use of his suit.

Yeah the suit is a weird thing to be attached to but it was one of the only things I wanted to keep. He didn't wear it often but he wore it to both my graduations, the only occasions I can think of where he was REALLY proud of me. He fell into horrible depression before he died and I remember him being happy wearing that suit.

I don't think it's weird at all! My dad died 15 years ago but I'm still very attached to his hat. My mom is bringing it and I plan on having it on a coat rack off to the side at the wedding/reception.

photokitty · July 2015

This is one of those situations that while I realize it is rude to ask, asking is not the worst thing that could happen.

If I was your uncle, I'd fell like the biggest heel on earth if you broke down crying bc I wore an article of clothing, bc to me that's all it would be. Heck, I might wear it thinking, "I bet Dani would like to see her dad's suit being put to good use!" I'd much rather be asked to not wear a suit given to me bc the FOB passed away, than make the bride sad.

It's not like you're dictating his attire over all, or asking him not to wear his favorite suit. You are asking him not to wear your dad's favorite suit on your wedding day. Ask him, offer to buy him a new suit for the occasion, and if he insists on wearing your dad's suit, then let it go. *hugs*

Viczaesar · July 2015

CMGragain said:

I can think of a lot of things to be sentimentally attached to, but a suit isn't one of them.
My late mother had an obscene amount of expensive clothing and junk jewelry. Who needs 13 strands of fake pearls? At her memorial service, I laid out the jewelry on a big table and invited her friends to take as much of it as they wished. There was a mob scene. Mother didn't want her "things" to go to Goodwill. She would have been much happier if people she knew could wear them and enjoy them. They actually had the "Betty Smith Memorial Fashion Show and Sale" after we left! Mom was proud of her clothes. She would have hated to waste them. She was also a horrible snob and racist, and she wouldn't want "poor people" to have them, either. (Ugh! Mom and I didn't always agree on things.)
I'll bet your Dad would have been pleased that his BIL is making good use of his suit.

Excuse me?

CMGragain · July 2015

Sorry. Maybe it's just because my Mom placed such importance on her clothes and appearance, so I have negative associations with clothing and I don't place sentimental value on it. There were things I wanted from my Dad (not clothes). She threw them out.

When we cleaned out her apartment, she had 38 nightgowns, polyester pantsuits from the '70s that were four sizes too small for her, and one entire chest of drawers full of costume jewelry. It was not a fun experience.

Viczaesar · July 2015

My dad died last week. I have four or five of his sweaters currently in the back seat of my car. Hospice is taking our favorite shirts of his and making them into teddy bears for us.

DaniBites · July 2015

@Viczaesar I'm so sorry for your loss *hugs*

The teddy bears sound like such a sweet idea!

[Deleted User] · July 2015

Sometimes... even if it's not the popular choice your feelings over ride what etiquette may say. Girl if you are already thinking it's going to make you a ball of emotions then just talk to him. I highly doubt he'll be upset about it. Or maybe have your mom mention it to him? I like the idea of offering to pay for a rental. He may not even consider how it may affect you.

So I have an old avon bottle of cologne from my grandpa I keep. Still has some in it I wont get rid of it. It reminds me of him. Everyone has their own things to be attached to. It's ok.

Jen4948 · July 2015

adk19 said:

Jen4948 said:

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Your uncle may want to wear the suit for the very reason you don't want him to-because it brings back memories of your father, whom he loved too-for more years than you had with him.
I can understand how that makes you feel sad, but the suit is your uncle's to wear whenever he likes, and it really wouldn't be appropriate to tell him (or any other adult) how to dress for your wedding. I'd instead be prepared for that possibility and try to work out how you can deal with it. Maybe see the suit as a sign that your father is with you in spirit?

Uncle is Mom's brother, not Dad's brother.

Ok. It's still possible that Mom's brother and Dad were really close for many years. My parents were close to their siblings-in-law.

julieanne912 · July 2015

CMGragain said:

Sorry. Maybe it's just because my Mom placed such importance on her clothes and appearance, so I have negative associations with clothing and I don't place sentimental value on it. There were things I wanted from my Dad (not clothes). She threw them out.

When we cleaned out her apartment, she had 38 nightgowns, polyester pantsuits from the '70s that were four sizes too small for her, and one entire chest of drawers full of costume jewelry. It was not a fun experience.

Great story. Just because that was your experience doesn't mean someone else's feelings are stupid.

madamerwin · July 2015

@Viczaesar I am so sorry for your loss

((Hugs))

Turning his clothes in to teddy bears is a really neat idea.

Viczaesar · July 2015

Thank you, @DaniBites and @tfmrserwin.

Dani, I think the idea of offering to rent him another suit for the wedding (or buy? it might be cheaper) is a great idea if you can afford it in your wedding budget.

SP29 · July 2015

I feel like this situation is fair game to at least have a conversation about it.

Maybe your uncle does feel closer to your dad wearing his clothes, maybe he would think that you would appreciate it. But I understand how it would make you feel.

I have received a couple of pairs of shoes from my mom's best friend who recently died of cancer. In one respect, to me they are just "things", but at the same time, when I see them in my closet I do think, "Oh these are SO Terri", so they do remind me of her. Also, I can respect how if I showed up somewhere that her family was wearing them, how it might make them feel, and I'd feel like an ass if I were the one to upset them. Thus, I think it would be OK for you (or your mom) to talk to your uncle about it.

My cat, who I had for 19 years, recently had to be euthanized. My husband made him a little stand out of popsicle sticks to put his food dish on so he didn't have to crouch down to eat. I still have that thing in my closet because I can't to throw it out. Seeing as I can't throw out a popsicle stick stand, I can very much understand how seeing someone in your dad's clothing that you attach to particular memories would be quite emotional for you.

CMGragain · July 2015

@Viczaesar, I am .so sorry for your loss. I had no idea you were going through this. Thoughts and prayers for you and your family.

ShesSoCold · July 2015

I agree with PPs that you should have a conversation with your uncle and offer to pay for a suit or rental. It doesn't hurt to ask. Vic, I am so sorry for your loss. I think a sweater bear is really sweet. Again, CMGr, I encourage you to choose your words more wisely. I try to give you the benefit of the doubt but you basically implied that OP is wrong for her feelings. You don't get to tell people how they should feel. My mom had this super ugly gold ring that looks like a fence. I want it and want to wear it because it was hers. My stepdad gave me an old Stones t-shirt of hers and I cry when I see it in my closet because she wore it a lot while she was sick, but I could never get rid of it. Is it wrong of me to have sentimental attachment to an ugly ring and a 25 year old t-shirt? No. But if you think so, keep that shit to yourself.

CMGragain · July 2015

I didn't know that I needed to say I was sorry more than once.

hellohkb · July 2015

Would it be possible to have your mom talk to her brother if you feel awkward talking to him? I'm worried he may get offended with the offer to buy one for him. Sometimes people take that the wrong way.

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