FI's friend needs a place to stay….

arrrghmatey · July 2015

Conundrum! I mainly need to vent, but I'm open to any insight on this, and I'm welcome to being told I'm acting like a b****.

A friend of FI recently moved to the area from across the country and was in the process of getting an apartment and all that jazz. FI texts me this morning saying this friend contacted him, explaining that something happened with his apartment and now he needs a place to stay until the 13th of next month, and asked if he could stay with us.

My first reaction is "Oh HELL no." If it were a few days or *maybe* even a week, I might be okay with it. But over 2 weeks? Plus the possibility of this guy staying even longer? I haven't met this friend but from what I've heard from FI and other mutual friends, this guy is a mess. He doesn't have his life organized, doesn't have much money (so I doubt he would offer some sort of compensation for staying with us for over 2 weeks), and is just all over the place. Again, I know I can't pass judgment on someone's situation, but that's just what I've consistently heard for the past 4 years.

I don't want him staying with us, because I have a strong feeling that not only will it be another person using water, electricity, food, etc., but I doubt he will be out when the 13th rolls around. We're super busy with less than 4 months to go until our wedding. FI and I both work long hours and don't get to see much of each other during the week, so we like to have that little time to spend together.

FI sounds as if he is hesitant to let me him stay, too, because he asked if we could talk about it over the phone at lunch time. I think he wants me to reaffirm how he feels about it and come up with a solution to telling this friend "Sorry, but no." I don't think our lease would allow for another person to be living in our townhouse for more than 7 days without being on the lease, anyway. But it *is* his friend, so I know he wants to help him out in some way. We just have to find a tactful way around this.

sarahufl · July 2015

Nope, nope, nope.

TrixieJess · July 2015

Nope, Nope, Nope. Not unless you have a rental agreement.

I have let people crash on my couch and after 2 days, I will let them know that they need to move on. I cannot stand people in my space.

Maybe your FI can do some research as to what is available in your area for rent and arrange for some showings.

As for tactful, can't help you there. I'm not tactful, I'm the bad person who says, "get out".

[Deleted User] · July 2015

So much nope.

arrrghmatey · July 2015

TrixieJess said:

Nope, Nope, Nope. Not unless you have a rental agreement.

I have let people crash on my couch and after 2 days, I will let them know that they need to move on. I cannot stand people in my space.

Maybe your FI can do some research as to what is available in your area for rent and arrange for some showings.

As for tactful, can't help you there. I'm not tactful, I'm the bad person who says, "get out".

Ditto.

And this guy is 35 years old. He's been in the area for a few weeks now (I have no idea where he's been staying during this time). He shouldn't need help researching rent. And we're in the SF Bay Area, so rent is HELLA high.

WinstonsGirl · July 2015

The only way I would do it is if he had his rental agreement in hand ready to go for the 13th. If it was a case of the landlord not being ready, whatever, I'll help out friends. But no agreement/proof that they're out, forget it

redheadbride15 · July 2015

arrrghmatey said:

TrixieJess said:

Nope, Nope, Nope. Not unless you have a rental agreement.

I have let people crash on my couch and after 2 days, I will let them know that they need to move on. I cannot stand people in my space.

Maybe your FI can do some research as to what is available in your area for rent and arrange for some showings.

As for tactful, can't help you there. I'm not tactful, I'm the bad person who says, "get out".

Ditto.

And this guy is 35 years old. He's been in the area for a few weeks now (I have no idea where he's been staying during this time). He shouldn't need help researching rent. And we're in the SF Bay Area, so rent is HELLA high.

I was going to ask your age range... because I can see this being something that would fly if you're all poor college students or something (I know I hosted friends on a couch for weeks at a time when we were 20). But 35?!? Nope! Find a cheap hotel!

lovemesomemonster · July 2015

Yeah, I did this once to help out a friend, but it was her moving into our house, signing a lease, and paying rent. It was supposed to be for 3 months while FI was out of town, it ended up being a year and almost ruined our friendship because I was too nice to say anything. We will never again do something like that unless there is a hard cut off date (ie a friend of mine is trying to get a rotation in my area for pharmacy school, that is a guaranteed 6 weeks, she would pay us, and I know she will go HOME at the end of it).

pinkcow13 · July 2015

This is like that movie, "You, Me, and Dupree." So much nope.

This friend needs to learn some responsibility.

arrrghmatey · July 2015

lovemesomemonster said:

Yeah, I did this once to help out a friend, but it was her moving into our house, signing a lease, and paying rent. It was supposed to be for 3 months while FI was out of town, it ended up being a year and almost ruined our friendship because I was too nice to say anything. We will never again do something like that unless there is a hard cut off date (ie a friend of mine is trying to get a rotation in my area for pharmacy school, that is a guaranteed 6 weeks, she would pay us, and I know she will go HOME at the end of it).

This is exactly what we're worried about. I don't want to put a strain on mine and FI's relationship, as I'm sure it will if this guy stays longer (which he probably will, as in your experience). FI is too nice to say anything. I'm more direct. But this is his friend, not mine. He is the one who needs to tell him the deal.

lovemesomemonster · July 2015

arrrghmatey said:

lovemesomemonster said:

Yeah, I did this once to help out a friend, but it was her moving into our house, signing a lease, and paying rent. It was supposed to be for 3 months while FI was out of town, it ended up being a year and almost ruined our friendship because I was too nice to say anything. We will never again do something like that unless there is a hard cut off date (ie a friend of mine is trying to get a rotation in my area for pharmacy school, that is a guaranteed 6 weeks, she would pay us, and I know she will go HOME at the end of it).

This is exactly what we're worried about. I don't want to put a strain on mine and FI's relationship, as I'm sure it will if this guy stays longer (which he probably will, as in your experience). FI is too nice to say anything. I'm more direct. But this is his friend, not mine. He is the one who needs to tell him the deal.

I don't recommend it, by the time FI was about to lose his shit he left for work again so I didn't care if she stayed longer at that point. We both agreed that never again will we have a roomie, we're happy just us and the dog, and anyone staying for a long weekend that we like. It sounds like this guy will just end up milking it, I would probably have a different opinion if he just got a fabulous new job in the area and was waiting for his place to open up in 2 weeks.

BouxRadley · July 2015

I actually have a coworker who got suckered into this recently and all I can say is that it's led to an extreme amount of fighting and resentment between her and her husband, since it's his friend. I don't think that's really stress you guys should be taking on in addition to what you've already got on your plate.

loveislouder · July 2015

Plus if your landlord finds out they can terminate your lease and then you guys are screwed too.

arrrghmatey · July 2015

loveislouder said:

Plus if your landlord finds out they can terminate your lease and then you guys are screwed too.

Oh, we would definitely clear it with our landlords first. We have an awesome relationship with them (they are coming to our wedding) and we wouldn't want to risk damaging that.

I just got off the phone with FI. He's very hesitant to let him stay because the only info he had gotten from friend was a text message at 1:00am this morning asking "Any chance I could inconvenience you until the 13th?" FI genuinely wanted to know how I felt about the situation, and was more concerned about me being okay with the whole situation. He said he wants to help his friend, but he knows that this could turn into a really bad situation for us. After discussing, we both agreed that we would be okay with him staying with us for a week (pending approval from our landlords), but he would have to sign something saying he would be out by a specified date. I told FI he should also get more info about his situation, such as why his apartment fell through, what is the significance of the 13th (move-in date for another apartment), and if he has a solid job.

FI is worried about damaging his friendship by saying no, or by putting a limit on his stay, but he understands why he needs to. I pointed out that letting him stay for 2+ weeks could also damage his relationship with friend, so it is kind of a no-win situation. Which isn't fair for friend to put FI in.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

Tell him to find an extended stay hotel option; it can't be that much more expensive than rent in your area.

And... nope, nope, nope, to crashing with you guys.

anjemon · July 2015

If it was my situation right now, I'd probably let a friend crash for a couple of weeks. It'd have to be approved by H, but we have the space. Although I would want a firm reason for him/her to be moving out in two weeks. It can't be indefinite.

But in your situation, I think it sounds like a bad deal. That one firm week is nice, you can deal with stuff for a week. I'd also use the wedding as the reason he can't stay longer if your FI wants to be more delicate with it. You guys are super busy and weddings are stressful. I think that's a good reason he can't stay for an extended period of time.

arrrghmatey · July 2015

I'm also going to be out of town from the 4-11th, so it will be more FI having to deal with his friend for most of the time. But because I will be gone, we have less time to spend with each other and get things done. FI agrees. Poor guy has been stressing out about it all morning.

JaxInBlue · July 2015

arrrghmatey said:

I'm also going to be out of town from the 4-11th, so it will be more FI having to deal with his friend for most of the time. But because I will be gone, we have less time to spend with each other and get things done. FI agrees. Poor guy has been stressing out about it all morning.

Because of this, could FI suggest that you guys could help him out then (ie: Friend moves in while you are out, maybe even until the 13th), but that the two of you aren't in the position to host someone this week, you need time to okay a guest with your landlord, have some pretty wedding stuff that has to get done before your travel, etc.?

Otherwise, I like the idea of FI offering to help him find an extended stay place, or maybe inviting him for the weekend or some meals.

onefootinthebayou · July 2015

A cautionary tale:

4th of July, 2014, we entertained some of (then) Fi's friends from out of town. They stayed with us. The couple was lovely, even brought a hostess gift. The 3rd guest, someone I absolutely adore and who is very fun at parties (!) had just been dumped, went absolutely HAM on Sunday Funday, had to be carried by a friend and the bartender back to my place, pissed ALL over the bathroom (I made him go before he passed out on my couch), passed out on my couch for 15 hours, PEED ON IT ANYWAY, and I had to throw away my couch.

arrrghmatey · July 2015

JaxInBlue said:

arrrghmatey said:

I'm also going to be out of town from the 4-11th, so it will be more FI having to deal with his friend for most of the time. But because I will be gone, we have less time to spend with each other and get things done. FI agrees. Poor guy has been stressing out about it all morning.

Because of this, could FI suggest that you guys could help him out then (ie: Friend moves in while you are out, maybe even until the 13th), but that the two of you aren't in the position to host someone this week, you need time to okay a guest with your landlord, have some pretty wedding stuff that has to get done before your travel, etc.?

I did suggest this, but from what I've heard, it sounds like this guy needs a place to stay immediately. Like…coming tonight (which I said no to--the earliest would be tomorrow).

But it sound alike the bottom line is that we will put him up for a week, but he has to sign something stating he will be out by a certain date. Hopefully he will be able to find other options during that time (such as cheap lodging, as was suggested). Thanks for all the input, folks! Neither FI nor I want to be the bad guy to a friend, but the leach of our relationship definitely needs to come first.

IrishPirate60 · July 2015

Suggest the friend take a look at Airbnb. There are extended stay options if you're diligent.

thisismynickname2 · July 2015

I was just about to suggest Air B&B as well. Get details as to what's up until the 13th!

kimmiinthemitten · July 2015

If you have to have landlord approval, then I would have FI say: we're happy to help you out to the best of our availability and per our lease you can only stay for x days.

arrrghmatey · August 2015

So just an update: FI told friend via text that we need to check with our landlords first, and make sure this wouldn't affect our rental insurance at all. And that we'd be able to put him up for a week. Never heard back from his friend. Oh well. Works out better for us.

Edit: missing words?

madamerwin · August 2015

lovemesomemonster said:

Yeah, I did this once to help out a friend, but it was her moving into our house, signing a lease, and paying rent. It was supposed to be for 3 months while FI was out of town, it ended up being a year and almost ruined our friendship because I was too nice to say anything. We will never again do something like that unless there is a hard cut off date (ie a friend of mine is trying to get a rotation in my area for pharmacy school, that is a guaranteed 6 weeks, she would pay us, and I know she will go HOME at the end of it).

This happened so my sister! A friend moved back to the states and was supposed to stay for two weeks while she found a job and apartment (she insisted she would have no trouble with a new job). She offered to contribute toward rent, but every time my sister asked for money, the friend had an excuse. Two weeks turned in to three months, and any time my sister brought up the topic of moving out, her friend would get all dramatic and nasty. Finally my sister put her foot down and made the friend leave, and they aren't friends anymore because of it. I think the friend did eventually give my sister some money, though.

There is literally one friend we would allow to stay with us for two weeks, because we'd trust her and she's responsible. Otherwise, HELL no.

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