Am I overreacting?

fyrchk · July 2015

This is kind of a long story.

My mother who lives 2,000 miles away was in town this weekend for two days. On day one, my FI spent about 5 or 6 hours with her and then went to bed at 7:30 because he was tired. (I was okay with this.)

On Sunday we were meeting friends (who know my mom very well) for brunch and then spending the day with my mom. FMIL calls FI and tells him she needs help moving furniture because she is going to shampoo her carpet. FI skips brunch with us saying that the sooner he goes over, the sooner it will be done. I wasn't very happy about this but let it go. Her granddaughter lives with her along with her boyfriend, but FI just had to be there because apparently they don't need to help.

FI doesn't get home until 9:00 at night. (He left at 1030am.) He has been at his house "deep cleaning" because she has a new puppy on the way and her last dog died of a "blood disease" (but I actually think it was Parvo). Of course, as the day progresses, I get more and more pissed that he isn't home to spend time with my mom who wants to get to know him more. She asks me if he left because he doesn't like her. So, I'm trying to reassure my mother and run interference so she doesn't just get pissed off. She can go from 0-100 reeeeal quick. When I call and ask him to come home he says, "It's not like we're never going to see your parents again." To put it in perspective, I've seen my mom once this year and my dad I haven't seen in 4 years.

My issues are this: FI goes to his mother's literally every weekend to "help" her with something. My parents are not coming to Colorado again until we get married. I think it was rude for his mother to ask him to come over and then keep him there for 11 hours knowing we had an out of town guest who happened to be my mother. And who also happens to be footing the reception bill.

I'm also pissed because after her dog died, she asked me to bring my dog over. I asked her if she had cleaned because I didn't want my dog getting sick. She said she had but then admitted to FI yesterday that she had lied to me.

AND, she calls every weekend with some project for FI. He has some sort of guilt, I guess, and goes over. But it's never a run over, help her, and come back. It's at least a 6 hour project. Meanwhile, our stuff is building up and not getting done.

To recap: My FMIL has no manners, lied to me, and can't seem to let her son go. This is the 70 year old stoner, who also stated she is wearing black to my wedding and asked for a wrist corsage because she's afraid she'll get stoned and lose her flowers.

lovemesomemonster · July 2015

I think you have an FI problem, he needs to stand up to his mom and just tell her he's not going to run over every time she needs something.

Maggie0829 · July 2015

fyrchk said:

This is kind of a long story.
My mother who lives 2,000 miles away was in town this weekend for two days. On day one, my FI spent about 5 or 6 hours with her and then went to bed at 7:30 because he was tired. (I was okay with this.)
On Sunday we were meeting friends (who know my mom very well) for brunch and then spending the day with my mom. FMIL calls FI and tells him she needs help moving furniture because she is going to shampoo her carpet. FI skips brunch with us saying that the sooner he goes over, the sooner it will be done. I wasn't very happy about this but let it go. Her granddaughter lives with her along with her boyfriend, but FI just had to be there because apparently they don't need to help.
FI doesn't get home until 9:00 at night. (He left at 1030am.) He has been at his house "deep cleaning" because she has a new puppy on the way and her last dog died of a "blood disease" (but I actually think it was Parvo). Of course, as the day progresses, I get more and more pissed that he isn't home to spend time with my mom who wants to get to know him more. She asks me if he left because he doesn't like her. So, I'm trying to reassure my mother and run interference so she doesn't just get pissed off. She can go from 0-100 reeeeal quick. When I call and ask him to come home he says, "It's not like we're never going to see your parents again." To put it in perspective, I've seen my mom once this year and my dad I haven't seen in 4 years.
My issues are this: FI goes to his mother's literally every weekend to "help" her with something. My parents are not coming to Colorado again until we get married. I think it was rude for his mother to ask him to come over and then keep him there for 11 hours knowing we had an out of town guest who happened to be my mother. And who also happens to be footing the reception bill.
I'm also pissed because after her dog died, she asked me to bring my dog over. I asked her if she had cleaned because I didn't want my dog getting sick. She said she had but then admitted to FI yesterday that she had lied to me.
AND, she calls every weekend with some project for FI. He has some sort of guilt, I guess, and goes over. But it's never a run over, help her, and come back. It's at least a 6 hour project. Meanwhile, our stuff is building up and not getting done.
To recap: My FMIL has no manners, lied to me, and can't seem to let her son go. This is the 70 year old stoner, who also stated she is wearing black to my wedding and asked for a wrist corsage because she's afraid she'll get stoned and lose her flowers.

Honestly, I don't think it is just the FMIL who can't let it. Sounds like your FI likes to go over and help her out because it is his Mom and he may not even realize what he is doing is frustrating you.

Do I think it was rude of your FI to basically ditch you and your Mom for an entire day? Yes. But I feel like you are putting blame on the wrong person here. This isn't a FMIL problem, it is a FI problem. You need to talk to your FI about this and how it hurt your feelings.

And the fact that your FMIL is wearing black to your wedding means nothing. And if she wants to get stoned then so be it.

Oh and just because your Mom is footing the bill for your wedding doesn't mean that it is a requirement for your FI to hang out with her. That statement was kind of ridiculous.

fyrchk · July 2015

Maggie0829 said:

Oh and just because your Mom is footing the bill for your wedding doesn't mean that it is a requirement for your FI to hang out with her. That statement was kind of ridiculous.

No, I get that. And to be honest, I'm on a tear so it was just one more thing that added to my list, but you are correct. However, I don't think it's ridiculous to expect my FI to spend some time with my mom to allow them to get to know each other. Especially since we see her SO rarely.

Maggie0829 · July 2015

fyrchk said:

Maggie0829 said:

Oh and just because your Mom is footing the bill for your wedding doesn't mean that it is a requirement for your FI to hang out with her. That statement was kind of ridiculous.

No, I get that. And to be honest, I'm on a tear so it was just one more thing that added to my list, but you are correct. However, I don't think it's ridiculous to expect my FI to spend some time with my mom to allow them to get to know each other. Especially since we see her SO rarely.

Did I say that it was ridiculous for you to want your FI to spend time with your Mom? No. I said that using the fact that she is paying as a reason is ridiculous.

Again, you have a FI problem. You need to talk to your FI about this.

ShesSoCold · July 2015

I agree with PPs. This is 100% a problem between you and your FI. My H is somewhat similar with his dad. We've talked (and argued) about it several times and he's getting it. But I'm also needing to be more understanding of his relationship with his dad and that he wants to go there and do their chores. We're meeting in the middle. You and your fiance need to talk about this, talk about your needs and wants, as well as his and figure out a solution that works for both of you.

Also, a piece of unsolicited advice, adding that your mother is paying for the wedding because you're "on a tear" will only make things worse. It took me years and years to not bring up old and unrelated crap when H and I get into arguments or disagreements. Focus on why you're upset and how to make that better, not anything you can grab at to prove you're right.

Jen4948 · July 2015

As PPs note, the person you have a problem with is your FI who doesn't know how to set boundaries with his mother.

So you need to set boundaries with him and make clear that getting married to him depends on his respecting those boundaries-and you need to do it NOW. He's still tied up with all the knots in the Scout Manuals to his mother's apron strings because he chooses to be and as of this post there are no consequences to him if he doesn't untie those strings. So you need to make clear to him that there are, and enforce them if he doesn't follow through.

Otherwise, your FI is going to be rude and inconsiderate to you and your family and friends throughout your marriage, using his mother as an excuse. But it's no excuse.

julieanne912 · July 2015

Could there be a chance your FI doesn't feel comfortable around your mom, so that's why he disappeared?

I just ask because that's something my FI and I are working on. My mom and stepdad are pretty much the nicest people ever, but very Christian... they do not drink, cuss, or anything like that. They live in another state so we see them maybe twice a year. FI is kind of the opposite of them... he cusses a lot, drinks a decent amount, and can be a bit blunt about things (not in a mean way). His family is similar although his mom is a sweetheart.

It came out last Thanksgiving that he didn't want to spend time with them because he was afraid he'd offend them, and didn't feel like he could be himself around them. Which might be true, although my mom would probably never say anything about it. Once he said that, I understood more, but also told him he had to make an effort, as I always make an effort around his family, which we see quite often. I also told him that I don't expect him to be best friends with them, but to just try to be more friendly.

I think you need to sit down and have a chat with your FI... ask him why he feels the need to help his mom so much, and why he can't put that aside for a bit while your mom is there to visit. I would also let him know it hurt your mom's feelings that he did that. He may not even realize it.

AddieCake · July 2015

I would be pissed if my husband did this.

zitiqueen · July 2015

You do realize that he will still be a momma's boy after you slide that ring on his finger, right? It sounds like she's always going to come first.

climbingsingle · July 2015

I would be pretty damn angry if my SO did this. You need to have a come to Jesus talk with him. For him to take off when your mom was visiting was wrong and he needs to learn how to tell his mother no. He obviously had prior commitments with you and your mother. Also, isn't he at all concerned with leaving his FMIL with a bad impression?

lyndausvi · July 2015

I do not think there is anything inherently wrong with your DH helping out and/or just hanging out with his family. I come from a big family who helped out our older relatives. My father (Son-in-law to my grandparents) deposited money into my grandparents account once a month to help with expenses. They were not bad with money, just didn't have much of a retirement.

Grandma could not drive and eventually grandpa had to stop too, so my aunt, uncles, cousins and eventually me all took them shopping, to the salon, doctors. Family event? One of us would pick them up. For xmas my male cousins would pick a date to help them put up the xmas tree. As a family we found ways to help out our grandparents.

Where it becomes a problem is when it affects your everyday life. While we all helped our parents/grandparents it was on OUR time, not their's. If we had OOT guests then someone else in the family would help with whatever task that was needed. At no time did grandma call one of her kids/grandkids and they jumped immediately to help.

She/they never guilted us into having to help either. It was always, "I need to get to the store at some point". Okay, between us we figured out who and when it would happen.

I guess my point is him helping out the family and/or spending time with them in general is not the problem. Even if it is a little excessive compared to others. I know many of women who hang out with their moms way more than sons with their moms. It's not an issue we normally see though. For some reason it's deemed more "acceptable".

What is the problem is your FI need to drop everything in order to help them. When it cuts into your own plans. It's ridiculous to leave at 10am and return at 9pm when you have OOT guests. Let alone that the OOT guest is a future-in-law. There were plans already made, unless their house collapsed or they were in the hospital there is no reason for him to blow you off.

You have a FI problem. Not an in-law problem. Talk to him about how it made you feel. No way would I let my DH get away with that.

arrrghmatey · July 2015

PPs have pointed out the issue here: it is with your FI, not your FMIL.

And I'll also say that if you don't have a serious talk with FI about this, it is not going to change. Hell, even if you *do* have a serious talk about setting boundaries with his mother, things still may not change. It sounds like this is something you've known about for a while, so you should have known that this could continue to be a problem, and that you would be marrying into the situation. But seriously, have a sit-down talk with your FI, because the problem is with him.

fyrchk · July 2015

Thanks for the advice, everyone. You all are right. I'm trying to blame her and really he's the person I need to talk to.

Interesting sidenote: Last night she "dropped" in around 9:30 to show us her new dog. It was weird because she always says she can't drive at night. Also, I go to bed early because I get up super early so I was already in bed and FI was at work. It was a scosh awkward since I obviously got out of bed to answer the door and was wearing a robe and not much else.

ShesSoCold · July 2015

fyrchk said:

Thanks for the advice, everyone. You all are right. I'm trying to blame her and really he's the person I need to talk to.
Interesting sidenote: Last night she "dropped" in around 9:30 to show us her new dog. It was weird because she always says she can't drive at night. Also, I go to bed early because I get up super early so I was already in bed and FI was at work. It was a scosh awkward since I obviously got out of bed to answer the door and was wearing a robe and not much else.

One word - boundaries.

Okay maybe a few more. Your fiance needs to set boundaries.

julieanne912 · July 2015

fyrchk said:

Thanks for the advice, everyone. You all are right. I'm trying to blame her and really he's the person I need to talk to.
Interesting sidenote: Last night she "dropped" in around 9:30 to show us her new dog. It was weird because she always says she can't drive at night. Also, I go to bed early because I get up super early so I was already in bed and FI was at work. It was a scosh awkward since I obviously got out of bed to answer the door and was wearing a robe and not much else.

Uh next time she does that, stay in bed and don't answer the door! I don't answer the door after dark when my FI isn't home (we don't have a peephole to see who it is either). Sounds like some boundaries definitely need to be set.

banana468 · July 2015

This is a woman who is forcing your FI to choose and she's doing a great job in the role of Mind Fuck Captain.

Your FI needs to understand that she's doing this because she CAN. And he doesn't have to do what she's asking. He's a grown up now and he gets to choose what to do and when to do it. Furthermore, he's missing a big part of the whole "leaving the nest" thing if he wants to build a life with you but only when that's convenienient for his mom.

Maggie0829 · July 2015

julieanne912 said:

fyrchk said:

Thanks for the advice, everyone. You all are right. I'm trying to blame her and really he's the person I need to talk to.
Interesting sidenote: Last night she "dropped" in around 9:30 to show us her new dog. It was weird because she always says she can't drive at night. Also, I go to bed early because I get up super early so I was already in bed and FI was at work. It was a scosh awkward since I obviously got out of bed to answer the door and was wearing a robe and not much else.

Uh next time she does that, stay in bed and don't answer the door! I don't answer the door after dark when my FI isn't home (we don't have a peephole to see who it is either). Sounds like some boundaries definitely need to be set.

I don't answer the door at all unless I know that someone is scheduled to stop by.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

Maggie0829 said:

julieanne912 said:

fyrchk said:

Thanks for the advice, everyone. You all are right. I'm trying to blame her and really he's the person I need to talk to.
Interesting sidenote: Last night she "dropped" in around 9:30 to show us her new dog. It was weird because she always says she can't drive at night. Also, I go to bed early because I get up super early so I was already in bed and FI was at work. It was a scosh awkward since I obviously got out of bed to answer the door and was wearing a robe and not much else.

Uh next time she does that, stay in bed and don't answer the door! I don't answer the door after dark when my FI isn't home (we don't have a peephole to see who it is either). Sounds like some boundaries definitely need to be set.

I don't answer the door at all unless I know that someone is scheduled to stop by.

Exactly. I have neighbors who have stopped by a couple times, once to return a piece of siding that had fallen off our house in the windstorm, once to return a vase I had loaned them. The first time I was completely freaked out and almost didn't answer. The second time was the middle of the day so it wasn't as weird. I absolutely don't feel bad if I'm not available to answer the door.

fyrchk · July 2015

I usually don't answer it either. But we just replaced our locks and sometimes FI's key doesn't work. (I tease that it's operator error.) So, he'll knock on the door to get me to open it if it doesn't work and it was about the time he comes home.

But I'm with everyone else. I don't answer the door unless I'm expecting someone or it's the middle of the day and I can see who it is.

julieanne912 · July 2015

Maggie0829 said:

julieanne912 said:

fyrchk said:

Thanks for the advice, everyone. You all are right. I'm trying to blame her and really he's the person I need to talk to.
Interesting sidenote: Last night she "dropped" in around 9:30 to show us her new dog. It was weird because she always says she can't drive at night. Also, I go to bed early because I get up super early so I was already in bed and FI was at work. It was a scosh awkward since I obviously got out of bed to answer the door and was wearing a robe and not much else.

Uh next time she does that, stay in bed and don't answer the door! I don't answer the door after dark when my FI isn't home (we don't have a peephole to see who it is either). Sounds like some boundaries definitely need to be set.

I don't answer the door at all unless I know that someone is scheduled to stop by.

I used to be that way but we have friendly neighbors that randomly stop by now (which is OK before dark). But now after dark? Nope nope nope. Plus our porch lights attract all kinds of bugs that I don't want in the house.

zitiqueen · July 2015

fyrchk said:

I usually don't answer it either. But we just replaced our locks and sometimes FI's key doesn't work. (I tease that it's operator error.) So, he'll knock on the door to get me to open it if it doesn't work and it was about the time he comes home.
But I'm with everyone else. I don't answer the door unless I'm expecting someone or it's the middle of the day and I can see who it is.

Does your FI have a cell phone? He should call you when he can't unlock the door. That way you aren't opening the door for any rando knocker.

southernbelle0915 · July 2015

Totally an FI problem. I'd be pissed if my FI peaced out for 11 hours when my family was in town! He needs to set boundaries with his mom and prioritize you and your house/projects

You know this problem going into the marriage. And marriage will not change this.

snowywinter · July 2015

Maggie0829 said:

fyrchk said:

This is kind of a long story.
My mother who lives 2,000 miles away was in town this weekend for two days. On day one, my FI spent about 5 or 6 hours with her and then went to bed at 7:30 because he was tired. (I was okay with this.)
On Sunday we were meeting friends (who know my mom very well) for brunch and then spending the day with my mom. FMIL calls FI and tells him she needs help moving furniture because she is going to shampoo her carpet. FI skips brunch with us saying that the sooner he goes over, the sooner it will be done. I wasn't very happy about this but let it go. Her granddaughter lives with her along with her boyfriend, but FI just had to be there because apparently they don't need to help.
FI doesn't get home until 9:00 at night. (He left at 1030am.) He has been at his house "deep cleaning" because she has a new puppy on the way and her last dog died of a "blood disease" (but I actually think it was Parvo). Of course, as the day progresses, I get more and more pissed that he isn't home to spend time with my mom who wants to get to know him more. She asks me if he left because he doesn't like her. So, I'm trying to reassure my mother and run interference so she doesn't just get pissed off. She can go from 0-100 reeeeal quick. When I call and ask him to come home he says, "It's not like we're never going to see your parents again." To put it in perspective, I've seen my mom once this year and my dad I haven't seen in 4 years.
My issues are this: FI goes to his mother's literally every weekend to "help" her with something. My parents are not coming to Colorado again until we get married. I think it was rude for his mother to ask him to come over and then keep him there for 11 hours knowing we had an out of town guest who happened to be my mother. And who also happens to be footing the reception bill.
I'm also pissed because after her dog died, she asked me to bring my dog over. I asked her if she had cleaned because I didn't want my dog getting sick. She said she had but then admitted to FI yesterday that she had lied to me.
AND, she calls every weekend with some project for FI. He has some sort of guilt, I guess, and goes over. But it's never a run over, help her, and come back. It's at least a 6 hour project. Meanwhile, our stuff is building up and not getting done.
To recap: My FMIL has no manners, lied to me, and can't seem to let her son go. This is the 70 year old stoner, who also stated she is wearing black to my wedding and asked for a wrist corsage because she's afraid she'll get stoned and lose her flowers.

Honestly, I don't think it is just the FMIL who can't let it. Sounds like your FI likes to go over and help her out because it is his Mom and he may not even realize what he is doing is frustrating you.

Do I think it was rude of your FI to basically ditch you and your Mom for an entire day? Yes. But I feel like you are putting blame on the wrong person here. This isn't a FMIL problem, it is a FI problem. You need to talk to your FI about this and how it hurt your feelings.

And the fact that your FMIL is wearing black to your wedding means nothing. And if she wants to get stoned then so be it.

Oh and just because your Mom is footing the bill for your wedding doesn't mean that it is a requirement for your FI to hang out with her. That statement was kind of ridiculous.

I don't know, I don't think it's all that ridiculous. While the mother shouldn't expect the Fi to be forced to spend time with her if he doesn't want to in exchange for her paying for the reception, the fact that she is giving them such a generous gift that she does not have to should be taken into consideration by the Fi when he acts so incredibly rude and bolts.

OP, I agree with others that this is between you and your Fi. This would not be okay with me (or most people, I bet).

Maggie0829 · July 2015

snowywinter said:

Maggie0829 said:

fyrchk said:

This is kind of a long story.
My mother who lives 2,000 miles away was in town this weekend for two days. On day one, my FI spent about 5 or 6 hours with her and then went to bed at 7:30 because he was tired. (I was okay with this.)
On Sunday we were meeting friends (who know my mom very well) for brunch and then spending the day with my mom. FMIL calls FI and tells him she needs help moving furniture because she is going to shampoo her carpet. FI skips brunch with us saying that the sooner he goes over, the sooner it will be done. I wasn't very happy about this but let it go. Her granddaughter lives with her along with her boyfriend, but FI just had to be there because apparently they don't need to help.
FI doesn't get home until 9:00 at night. (He left at 1030am.) He has been at his house "deep cleaning" because she has a new puppy on the way and her last dog died of a "blood disease" (but I actually think it was Parvo). Of course, as the day progresses, I get more and more pissed that he isn't home to spend time with my mom who wants to get to know him more. She asks me if he left because he doesn't like her. So, I'm trying to reassure my mother and run interference so she doesn't just get pissed off. She can go from 0-100 reeeeal quick. When I call and ask him to come home he says, "It's not like we're never going to see your parents again." To put it in perspective, I've seen my mom once this year and my dad I haven't seen in 4 years.
My issues are this: FI goes to his mother's literally every weekend to "help" her with something. My parents are not coming to Colorado again until we get married. I think it was rude for his mother to ask him to come over and then keep him there for 11 hours knowing we had an out of town guest who happened to be my mother. And who also happens to be footing the reception bill.
I'm also pissed because after her dog died, she asked me to bring my dog over. I asked her if she had cleaned because I didn't want my dog getting sick. She said she had but then admitted to FI yesterday that she had lied to me.
AND, she calls every weekend with some project for FI. He has some sort of guilt, I guess, and goes over. But it's never a run over, help her, and come back. It's at least a 6 hour project. Meanwhile, our stuff is building up and not getting done.
To recap: My FMIL has no manners, lied to me, and can't seem to let her son go. This is the 70 year old stoner, who also stated she is wearing black to my wedding and asked for a wrist corsage because she's afraid she'll get stoned and lose her flowers.

Honestly, I don't think it is just the FMIL who can't let it. Sounds like your FI likes to go over and help her out because it is his Mom and he may not even realize what he is doing is frustrating you.

Do I think it was rude of your FI to basically ditch you and your Mom for an entire day? Yes. But I feel like you are putting blame on the wrong person here. This isn't a FMIL problem, it is a FI problem. You need to talk to your FI about this and how it hurt your feelings.

And the fact that your FMIL is wearing black to your wedding means nothing. And if she wants to get stoned then so be it.

Oh and just because your Mom is footing the bill for your wedding doesn't mean that it is a requirement for your FI to hang out with her. That statement was kind of ridiculous.

I don't know, I don't think it's all that ridiculous. While the mother shouldn't expect the Fi to be forced to spend time with her if he doesn't want to in exchange for her paying for the reception, the fact that she is giving them such a generous gift that she does not have to should be taken into consideration by the Fi when he acts so incredibly rude and bolts.

OP, I agree with others that this is between you and your Fi. This would not be okay with me (or most people, I bet).

But the thing is, I don't think that OPs FI thinks he is being rude. He is just doing what he has always done. So unless OP talks to him and lets him know that how he acted when her Mom was in town was not cool, he will just keep on keeping on.

Knottie65478446 · July 2015

I don't believe you are overreacting. It sounds like he knows that you are upset and doesn't see why it's a big deal. But this will be his family and I think it is perfectly reasonable for you to feel he wants to make an effort to get to know his new mother in law.

My sister moved right down the street from her mother in law. Her husband goes over there to "help" all the time. As soon as his mother of father ask for help, he drops what he is doing and runs over there. It has definitely been a source of contention between the two of them. My sister didn't say anything about it when it started and now she has sort of had to accept it. So I personally would try to explain why this is upsetting to you and wasn't really fair, especially considering he is there all the time.

Tell him the same thing he told you, "It's not like you're never going to see your parents again", the next time he leaves your family that came 2,000 miles to visit in order to help his mother.

Am I overreacting?

Re: Am I overreacting?

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