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Halloween wedding quandry

melbensomelbenso member
500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer
edited July 2015 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
So an old friend of mine is getting married on October 31.  He and his fiance are very much goth kids and have many goth friends who will be invited.  The wedding is NOT a costume wedding, but a normal afternoon/evening wedding in a Catholic Church with a nice reception afterwards.  He is terribly concerned that some of his friends will think that because the wedding is on Halloween, it is a costume wedding. Knowing them, this is a possibility.  ETA- some of them might even get a big kick out of wearing a costume to a Catholic wedding and assume friend and fiance do as well.

I gave him the usual advice about not dictating dress on the invitation unless it is truly black tie (it's not).  Does anyone have any etiquette approved suggestions for how he might communicate to these friends that this isn't a Halloween costume event?  I suggested mentioning what the wedding party will be wearing, since they should be able to figure out that if the wedding party isn't in costume, its not a costume wedding. 

Thoughts on putting "No Costumes, Please' on the wedding website?  (To me that seems better than on the invitation, but still shaky.)
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Re: Halloween wedding quandry

  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I would do word of mouth.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited July 2015
    I agree with Lynda and Addie.  He needs to tell his friends by word of mouth something along the lines of, "Hey, just a heads-up that the wedding isn't a themed wedding and Halloween costumes won't be appropriate."
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  • novella1186novella1186 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    AddieCake said:
    Word of mouth. If I thought my friends might show up in costume to my wedding, I would have no problem saying, "Hey, Jane, the wedding won't be a costume party even though it's on Halloween, just FYI."
    This. Doesn't hurt to just mention it. 
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Usually the formality of the invitation will convey the idea.  I would suggest classic white invitations with very traditional wording.

    The honour of your presence is requested
    at the Nuptial Mass uniting
    Brides Full Name
    and
    Groom's Full Name
    in the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony
    (etc.)
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I'm hoping people will get that costumes are not really appropriate for a Catholic wedding ceremony.   The reception might be different, but a Catholic wedding is in a church.  Not a place for costumes.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • LondonLisaLondonLisa member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    If the only thing that says "halloween" is the date, then I would be surprised if people show up in a haloween costume. Make the invitations a bit more formal and stay away from pumpkins or other motifs that would say "halloween".

    I feel like most adults would not show up to something in a costume unless they are specifically asked to. 
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  • Wegl13Wegl13 member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    LondonLisa said:
    If the only thing that says "halloween" is the date, then I would be surprised if people show up in a haloween costume. Make the invitations a bit more formal and stay away from pumpkins or other motifs that would say "halloween".

    I feel like most adults would not show up to something in a costume unless they are specifically asked to. 

    It sounds like a know-your-crowd thing, and based on what the OP has said, I would definitely spread via word of mouth instead of just being suggestive with the invites. If I were friends with some super goth people that were getting married on Oct 31, I might make some assumptions about dress that would be incorrect.
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  • melbensomelbenso member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer
    CMGragain said:
    Usually the formality of the invitation will convey the idea.  I would suggest classic white invitations with very traditional wording.

    The honour of your presence is requested
    at the Nuptial Mass uniting
    Brides Full Name
    and
    Groom's Full Name
    in the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony
    (etc.)
    ________

    I did tell him people could take cues from the invitation style as well and suggested that they use a more traditional, classic invitation instead of something that is themey.
    image
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  • peachy13peachy13 member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Hello, Halloween bride here! The NUMBER ONE asked question about my wedding is "do we have to dress in costume?" and the answer is no. Before lurking and asking questions on TK, I figured I would just put something like cocktail attire somewhere on the invitation. AGH! (Thank you knotties)

    Instead, I have a "guest information" page on the website with a few tidbits about the wedding and a little blurb that says:

    Frequently Asked Question
    We love Halloween but are leaving our costumes at home

    I figure that way I'm telling everyone it's not a costume wedding without telling them what to wear.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers


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  • peachy13peachy13 member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    peachy13 said:
    Hello, Halloween bride here! The NUMBER ONE asked question about my wedding is "do we have to dress in costume?" and the answer is no. Before lurking and asking questions on TK, I figured I would just put something like cocktail attire somewhere on the invitation. AGH! (Thank you knotties)

    Instead, I have a "guest information" page on the website with a few tidbits about the wedding and a little blurb that says:

    Frequently Asked Question
    We love Halloween but are leaving our costumes at home

    I figure that way I'm telling everyone it's not a costume wedding without telling them what to wear.


    ETA: We've also been spreading word of mouth to all the people who ask, and nothing on our wedding stationary screams Halloween.. it's all pretty regular stuff. There will be fun and spooky Halloween stuff at the reception though for sure :)
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers


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  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Agree, spread this to friends via word of mouth.
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  • jacques27jacques27 member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I have the opposite issue in that I'm invited to a Halloween wedding and they are dictating attire (yes, they want costumes) and I think they are putting it on the invites (I"m only 80% sure - so far it's been word of mouth about the dress code).  And yeah, I'm resenting the hell out of being told what to wear.  Word of mouth at most and keep it more casual in "Yeah, I know it's on Halloween, but we're not doing a theme - just your pretty traditional wedding" rather than actually saying "No costumes" even by word of mouth.  There's a chance someone might still not get the hint and costume it up - but that's their embarrassment to live with, not your friend's.
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    I don't see a problem with asking people to wear costumes if that's what you want for a Halloween wedding. I mean, they are essentially inviting you to a costume party. You don't HAVE to wear a costume. You could be that guy who shows up to the costume party (in this case wedding)in no costume, but I'd rather join in the fun if I'm going to the event.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited July 2015
    I think word of mouth or putting something clear but casual on the website like what @peachy13 suggested are the ways to go. The formality of the invite will help, but people who haven't been to many weddings may not get the hint.

    I'm actually glad your friend doesn't want or expect people to wear costumes. I haven't dressed up for Halloween in years, and I'd be pretty annoyed if I had to come up with a costume because someone told me I had to for their wedding.
    image
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  • jacques27jacques27 member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited July 2015
    AddieCake said:
    I don't see a problem with asking people to wear costumes if that's what you want for a Halloween wedding. I mean, they are essentially inviting you to a costume party. You don't HAVE to wear a costume. You could be that guy who shows up to the costume party (in this case wedding)in no costume, but I'd rather join in the fun if I'm going to the event.
    Asking is the operative word.  In my situation, it wasn't phrased as asking.  Dictating =/= asking.  Being told you HAVE to dress a certain way for their vision is different than putting "Costumes optional" or "Costumes welcomed" on your wedding website.
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  • MandyMostMandyMost member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    jacques27 said:
    AddieCake said:
    I don't see a problem with asking people to wear costumes if that's what you want for a Halloween wedding. I mean, they are essentially inviting you to a costume party. You don't HAVE to wear a costume. You could be that guy who shows up to the costume party (in this case wedding)in no costume, but I'd rather join in the fun if I'm going to the event.
    Asking is the operative word.  In my situation, it wasn't phrased as asking.  Dictating =/= asking.  Being told you HAVE to dress a certain way for their vision is different than putting "Costumes optional" or "Costumes welcomed" on your wedding website.
    How exactly did they dictate it? If someone is throwing a costume party, it's more than "costumes optional" or "costumes welcomed". It means they're throwing a costume party, and they are expecting you to dress in a costume. Just like if they are throwing a black tie affair they expect you to dress in tuxes and gowns. Or even a typical no-attire-dictated wedding they expect suits and cocktail dresses, etc. If you don't want to dress the way that's expected for the event, then don't go, or go and just be under-dressed. If you wore a suit to a black tie affair instead of a tux you likely wouldn't be kicked out, the same as if you don't wear a costume to a costume party. But you are going to stand out as someone who doesn't understand the invite. 

    Just buy a cheap mask or something and call it a day.  
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