The Postman Can't Know We're Dating

[Deleted User] · July 2015

OK, knotties. I thought that lurking on your sage wisdom over the past few months would prepare me for anything, but I have a conundrum: FI has two very religious step-sisters who are both in relationships. FFIL married their mother about two years ago. FI reached out to his dad for the step-sisters' boyfriends' full names so we could include them on the invitations as SOs. FFIL replied that the ladies would prefer that their invitations be addressed to each of them "and Guest" because having their names appear with their boyfriends' names on their invitations is untoward. I explained the difference between a SO and a plus one to FI, and he is indifferent but claims FFIL said the step-sisters are not likely to bring guests either way. Do I address the envelopes as requested since that's what makes the guests most comfortable, even though technically no other single guests are getting plus ones? Or do I address them by name to indicate who is actually invited? Thanks!

southernbelle0915 · July 2015

I would address them as they prefer. But ask THEM what they prefer - not their step dad.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

If the issue is the names of the SO involved being on the outside of the invitation (the envelope) then you could address the envelope to the step-sisters, then make a notation on the inside of the envelope stating, "You are welcome to bring John Doe as your guest if you so desire." That way the male name is only on the inside of the envelope and not on the outside where the postman can see. I do not know what the etiquette is exactly in this situation. However, in most situations I feel that guest comfort is usually best attended to. This is just a suggestion on a possible way to handle it. @ShesSoCold @hellohkb @lyndausvi @southernbelle0915 you guy's always have good advice. Any thoughts?

[Deleted User] · July 2015

@southernbelle0915 When I published my post it popped up that you had just responded. Sorry for the additional shout-out!

lyndausvi · July 2015

I would ask them how they prefer.

If they do not live together and you have an inner envelope then address the outer to the step-sister and the inner to both.

SP29 · July 2015

I would get FI to ask his step sisters how they would like the envelope to be addressed. If they really want "and guest", I would do what they want.

It is also appropriate, if you have inner and outer envelopes, to address the outer envelope to the person who is receiving the mail, and the inner to have all guests names.

AddieCake · July 2015

Ask them what they want. This is up to them, not their father.

PrettyGirlLost · July 2015

AddieCake said:

Ask them what they want. This is up to them, not their father.

Please refrain from commenting as your feedback was specifically *not* requested.

AddieCake · July 2015

PrettyGirlLost said:

AddieCake said:

Ask them what they want. This is up to them, not their father.

Please refrain from commenting as your feedback was specifically *not* requested.

My bad. I forgot I'm not one of the good advice givers.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

Thank you, ladies. We have no outer envelope so I'll go with "and Guest" as requested.

mollybarker11 · July 2015

First and foremost, I wouldn't take their step-father's word for it. Not that I think FFIL is lying, this is just a personal matter and I'd have FI ask his step-sisters personally what their concerns are because I'm a little confused:

- If they're literally concerned about the postman knowing they're in relationships / don't want the postman to think they're living with their boyfriends or something, use inner and outer envelopes for those two invitations. Or ask for the boyfriends' addresses and send them separate invitations.

- If they would be offended by seeing their names and their boyfriends' names on the same envelope (?????) then go ahead and put "and guest". (But I'm curious about this notion and would try to learn where it's coming from. Maybe they don't go on "dates" in the conventional sense and would be uncomfortable being invited to bring an escort at all?)

lc07 · July 2015

Just know that if you invite these women with "and guest" that they are welcome to bring whomever they want. They could bring a co-worker if they'd like since you are not specifying the guests names.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

@PrettyGirlLost and @AddieCake I didn't mean to exclude you guys in my reply. I honestly just wrote down the user names I remembered how to spell, and they were all moderators. I have seen great advice from you both. I'll do better next time. Sorry guys!!!

kvruns · July 2015

why does the postman care?

sparklepants41 · July 2015

Knottie50115812 said:

OK, knotties. I thought that lurking on your sage wisdom over the past few months would prepare me for anything, but I have a conundrum: FI has two very religious step-sisters who are both in relationships. FFIL married their mother about two years ago. FI reached out to his dad for the step-sisters' boyfriends' full names so we could include them on the invitations as SOs. FFIL replied that the ladies would prefer that their invitations be addressed to each of them "and Guest" because having their names appear with their boyfriends' names on their invitations is untoward. I explained the difference between a SO and a plus one to FI, and he is indifferent but claims FFIL said the step-sisters are not likely to bring guests either way. Do I address the envelopes as requested since that's what makes the guests most comfortable, even though technically no other single guests are getting plus ones? Or do I address them by name to indicate who is actually invited? Thanks!

To the bolded: By saying "other single guests" you are implying these ladies are single; however they are in relationships - so therefore they are not single.

This makes me wonder: OP, are you inviting other people who are also in relationships, but because they are not married you are not inviting their SOs?

AddieCake · July 2015

@varner2b2015 I guess it was just more strange that you called several people out at all. People usually page people when they know they had a similar situation as the OP or often CMGr for tricky invitation questions because that's her forte. Calling out several people you think give good advice to a random question that isn't something they have personal experience with when there are A LOT of people on here who give good advice all over the boards seems strange.

Don't sweat it. It's no big deal and I certainly won't hold it against you.

Ironically, this happened on the day TimeHop told me my advice got quoted in the TK magazine 2 years ago. Haha!

Heffalump · July 2015

kvruns said:

why does the postman care?

That was my thought. We moved last summer, we still get mail for the previous residents from time to time. Does the mailman think we're one giant poly family, or does he just throw the mail in the box and drive on? I'm leaning toward the latter.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

@AddieCake Duly noted! And congrats on your advice getting featured. That's pretty cool!

Maggie0829 · July 2015

Knottie50115812 said:

Thank you, ladies. We have no outer envelope so I'll go with "and Guest" as requested.

But this was requested by their Father, not the step-sisters. Are these women adults? If so, you need to ask them what they would prefer, and not just do what their Father says.

Or does their Father have complete control over them and what he says goes?

AddieCake · July 2015

varner2b2015 said:

@AddieCake Duly noted! And congrats on your advice getting featured. That's pretty cool!

It's not, really. It was just random, and it wasn't just me, but thanks.

[Deleted User] · July 2015

OP here: My impression is that this is not actually about the mailman, but that the step-sisters would be embarrassed to be associated formally with their boyfriends on an invitation when they are not married. FFIL is not speaking for them, he asked them and this was their reply, but I understand your point about asking them directly. @sparklepants, everyone with a SO is invited with the SO. My choice of wording there was poor, but my reluctance to include "and Guest" was based on not wanting to offend the single folks who are not getting plus ones. By putting "and Guest," we would effectively be inviting the step-sisters to bring whomever they want, and we are not extending that invitation to any of our single guests.

Jen4948 · July 2015

I think under the circumstances that even though this wouldn't normally be done, I'd just list the stepsisters by themselves on the invitation envelopes, and then let them know by word of mouth that the invitations include their boyfriends.

Liatris2010 · July 2015

Knottie50115812 said:
OP here: My impression is that this is not actually about the mailman, but that the step-sisters would be embarrassed to be associated formally with their boyfriends on an invitation when they are not married. FFIL is not speaking for them, he asked them and this was their reply, but I understand your point about asking them directly. @sparklepants, everyone with a SO is invited with the SO. My choice of wording there was poor, but my reluctance to include "and Guest" was based on not wanting to offend the single folks who are not getting plus ones. By putting "and Guest," we would effectively be inviting the step-sisters to bring whomever they want, and we are not extending that invitation to any of our single guests.

If they were that embarassed, why did they move in with their SOs. Surely both partners receive mail, so the mailman knows two people there. I doubt a single piece of mail addressed to both residents will come as a shock to the mail carrier.

My husband and I have different last names, I wonder if the mailman thinks we are living in sin and worries for our immortal souls. Maybe we should leave him a note to soothe his fears.

ShesSoCold · July 2015

Liatris2010 said:

OP here: My impression is that this is not actually about the mailman, but that the step-sisters would be embarrassed to be associated formally with their boyfriends on an invitation when they are not married. FFIL is not speaking for them, he asked them and this was their reply, but I understand your point about asking them directly. @sparklepants, everyone with a SO is invited with the SO. My choice of wording there was poor, but my reluctance to include "and Guest" was based on not wanting to offend the single folks who are not getting plus ones. By putting "and Guest," we would effectively be inviting the step-sisters to bring whomever they want, and we are not extending that invitation to any of our single guests.
If they were that embarassed, why did they move in with their SOs. Surely both partners receive mail, so the mailman knows two people there. I doubt a single piece of mail addressed to both residents will come as a shock to the mail carrier. My husband and I have different last names, I wonder if the mailman thinks we are living in sin and worries for our immortal souls. Maybe we should leave him a note to soothe his fears.

That's exactly why I never send you mail.

Maggie0829 · July 2015

Knottie50115812 said:

OP here: My impression is that this is not actually about the mailman, but that the step-sisters would be embarrassed to be associated formally with their boyfriends on an invitation when they are not married. FFIL is not speaking for them, he asked them and this was their reply, but I understand your point about asking them directly. @sparklepants, everyone with a SO is invited with the SO. My choice of wording there was poor, but my reluctance to include "and Guest" was based on not wanting to offend the single folks who are not getting plus ones. By putting "and Guest," we would effectively be inviting the step-sisters to bring whomever they want, and we are not extending that invitation to any of our single guests.

I am sorry but this is the craziest shit I have ever heard. They would be embarrassed to be on the same invite as their boyfriends because they aren't married? I just, can't. This makes no sense!

Liatris2010 · July 2015

ShesSoCold said:

Liatris2010 said:

Knottie50115812 said:
OP here: My impression is that this is not actually about the mailman, but that the step-sisters would be embarrassed to be associated formally with their boyfriends on an invitation when they are not married. FFIL is not speaking for them, he asked them and this was their reply, but I understand your point about asking them directly. @sparklepants, everyone with a SO is invited with the SO. My choice of wording there was poor, but my reluctance to include "and Guest" was based on not wanting to offend the single folks who are not getting plus ones. By putting "and Guest," we would effectively be inviting the step-sisters to bring whomever they want, and we are not extending that invitation to any of our single guests.
If they were that embarassed, why did they move in with their SOs. Surely both partners receive mail, so the mailman knows two people there. I doubt a single piece of mail addressed to both residents will come as a shock to the mail carrier.

My husband and I have different last names, I wonder if the mailman thinks we are living in sin and worries for our immortal souls. Maybe we should leave him a note to soothe his fears.

That's exactly why I never send you mail.

Thanks for looking out for the mailman. He seems nice. Wouldnt want him to have a pearl clutching episode while driving. Two hands on the wheel and all.

sparklepants41 · July 2015

Knottie50115812 said:

OP here: My impression is that this is not actually about the mailman, but that the step-sisters would be embarrassed to be associated formally with their boyfriends on an invitation when they are not married. FFIL is not speaking for them, he asked them and this was their reply, but I understand your point about asking them directly. @sparklepants, everyone with a SO is invited with the SO. My choice of wording there was poor, but my reluctance to include "and Guest" was based on not wanting to offend the single folks who are not getting plus ones. By putting "and Guest," we would effectively be inviting the step-sisters to bring whomever they want, and we are not extending that invitation to any of our single guests.

** pretend this is a box **

Gotcha. Thank you for clarifying, OP!

I agree with PPs regarding asking the stepsisters, rather than their father. If they are truly squeamish about having their names on the same envelopes with each of their boyfriends' names, could you perhaps send each stepsister and each of their boyfriends their own separate invitation (so four invitations to get mailed rather than two)?

Sorry if this doesn't make sense. I can't make my brain work today.

AddieCake · July 2015

ShesSoCold said:

Liatris2010 said:

OP here: My impression is that this is not actually about the mailman, but that the step-sisters would be embarrassed to be associated formally with their boyfriends on an invitation when they are not married. FFIL is not speaking for them, he asked them and this was their reply, but I understand your point about asking them directly. @sparklepants, everyone with a SO is invited with the SO. My choice of wording there was poor, but my reluctance to include "and Guest" was based on not wanting to offend the single folks who are not getting plus ones. By putting "and Guest," we would effectively be inviting the step-sisters to bring whomever they want, and we are not extending that invitation to any of our single guests.
If they were that embarassed, why did they move in with their SOs. Surely both partners receive mail, so the mailman knows two people there. I doubt a single piece of mail addressed to both residents will come as a shock to the mail carrier. My husband and I have different last names, I wonder if the mailman thinks we are living in sin and worries for our immortal souls. Maybe we should leave him a note to soothe his fears.

That's exactly why I never send you mail.

I think I might have given them the same last name on accident the first year I sent them a Christmas card. Whoops!

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