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Mom wearing white to my wedding

JenE2012JenE2012 member
First Anniversary
edited July 2015 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Fellow brides, this is very similar to the dress my mom is wearing to my wedding.  Her lace overlay is whiter and brighter, but you get the idea.

She loves it, and is super excited about it, which makes me happy since she was dreading trying on dresses (she has a colostomy bag and she doesn't love her figure, although I'd kill for her legs).  But, that lace overlay is killing me. 

I cannot stress enough how much she loves this dress, and I can't tell if I'm overreacting or if there's cause for concern here.  I'm not only worried about pictures, but a LOT of the people who are coming are opinionated loudmouths who (unlike me) won't think twice about telling her their exact opinion of wearing white/ivory/champagne to a wedding, in excruciating and embarrassing detail.  Above all, I don't want her to have any negative feelings at all on my wedding day.  I'm worried if I DO say something, she'll be (at least) embarrassed and/or (at worst) offended.  It's worth mentioning that I've kinda-sorta painted myself into a corner, as she showed me the dress while I was distracted with something else and I gave a hearty "I love it!" before going back to what I was doing.  My concerns started later...

My wedding is an outdoor, beachy/tropical (though not at a beach) ceremony with an indoor reception, and this dress gives her that breezy, dressing-up-for-a-fancy-dinner-while-on-vacation-in-Jamaica vibe that I'm going for. (In fact, HER dress has that vibe more than mine, which is a more traditional, lacy affair that I only tried on to shut the salesgirl up, and ended up falling in love with, tropical theme or no tropical theme.  Here's mine (ivory), although that's not me in the photo... http://www.bonny.com/collections/unforgettable/1413#.VbtCIvlVhBc)  In case the photo I attached of her dress is too small, here's a link to it as well, although her lace is much whiter: http://www.polyvore.com/its_tan_brown_mood/set?id=165938507

I hate to say something and have her pick out something she isn't quite so comfortable in.  But I also don't want to avoid photos with her all night...

So, fellow brides, do you think I'm just overreacting and the dress is in fact totally fine?  Or should I suck it up and be honest with her about maybe finding something else? If I should say something, any tips on how to bring it up???

Thanks!
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Re: Mom wearing white to my wedding

  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    The thing is, it's not like your mother isn't aware that generally only the bride wears white to a wedding. So knowing that she has chosen this dress anyway, which I think you should take as a sign that she does really want to wear it. And if anyone says anything to her about it she will handle herself.
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  • redoryxredoryx member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited July 2015
    Your mom loves the dress, that's all that matters. And, to be honest, if any of those opinionated people made a negative comment about it within earshot of me or if I was told someone had said something, I'd tell them to just STFU. 
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    No one is going to mistake her for the bride. And she won't be stealing the spotlight from you. So yes, I do think you're overreacting. Your dress is very "bridal" and her's just looks like a casual lacy summer dress.

    Im sure your mom knows who's invited to the wedding, right? And she very likely knows that wearing white to a wedding is something people often side-eye. So let her worry about the loud mouths.
    *********************************************************************************

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  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    My dad and his wife got married a few months before I did. She wore a long, sparkly, ivory dress. She wore the same dress to my wedding. She looked lovely and I gave nonefucks.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • HeffalumpHeffalump member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    JenE2012 said:
    Fellow brides, this is very similar to the dress my mom is wearing to my wedding.  Her lace overlay is whiter and brighter, but you get the idea.

    I think this is a lovely dress.  I'm glad she found something she likes.

    I hate to say something and have her pick out something she isn't quite so comfortable in.  But I also don't want to avoid photos with her all night...

    Why on earth would this dress make you avoid photos with your mother?  I mean, it's implausible enough to think that anyone can steal the bride's thunder by wearing white.  But of all people, I'm sure when you look at your photos, you'll know which person is your mother and which is you.  Yes, you're overreacting.  Don't say anything about her dress and let her be happy.

    Some of my best/favorite photos of my mom and me are from my wedding.*  (And in retrospect, in the outdoor pics her light pink dress looked sort of off-white.  Still very clear who is who.)  My SIL wore a beautiful, simple white eyelet sundress to our garden wedding (I think it was J. Crew?).  It was perfect, she looked great, and if anyone thought it was inappropriate, they had the god sense to STFU about it.  Don't be anxious about something silly and arbitrary like the color of a dress.

    * Irrelevant to your question, but for any lurkers: the BEST one of my mom and me was a candid snapped by one of my bridesmaids, not our photographer.  Take that, "unplugged wedding."


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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Your wedding will not be legitimate if your Mom wears white.

    But really OP, it is not a big deal.  Your dress and her dress look NOTHING a like, so no one in their right mind will confuse your Mom as the bride.

    And why would you need to avoid having photos taken with her?

    So basically you are overreacting.

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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    AddieCake said:
    I really can't believe you are considering avoiding photos with your mother over this.
    This.

    I find your mom's dress appropriate.  It doesn't look bridal too me.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    The most important thing is that your mom is happy with what she's wearing. Nothing else matters. And please don't avoid taking pictures with her! 
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper

    Her dress is fine.  I wouldn't worry about it.  And if someone does bring it up to her, as rude as that would be, they would be the ones looking like a fool, not her.  My mom, FMIL, and the grandmas are free to wear whatever makes them happiest.  It's just as much their day as mine.  They've invested much in FI and my lives over the years, and they deserve to feel as amazing as we will on that day. 

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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    I think her dress is ok as it has tan undertones and definitely doesn't look "bridal" to me.. Yours is gorgeous and I am sure you will make a beautiful bride!
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its

    That dress looks to me like a nice mother-of-the-bride dress.

    I'll be happy if my mother is able to attend any wedding at all, given that she was recently diagnosed with cancer and I broke up with my now ex-BF, so if she wants to wear a long white dress with a lace overlay that looks bridal, I'll be happy to help her shop for it.  Even if they confuse her with me, at least I'll have the happiness of knowing she was there for me.

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  • levioosalevioosa member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Having a colostomy bag is very hard psychologically.  A lot of people never are able to accept themselves or feel dignified or attractive.  I would NEVER tell my mother that she needed to suck it up and find a different dress if she finally found something she feels beautiful in, especially if she had a colostomy bag.  She's probably been dreading looking for a dress since wedding planning started.  It's pretty shitty to suggest she find something else just because the dress isn't the color you want it to be.  I also promise you will regret not taking pictures with her.  When she is gone and you have wedding photos without her, all you will think of is how petty you were to value an outfit over a permanent memory and photo with her.  
    JenE2012 said:
    Fellow brides, this is very similar to the dress my mom is wearing to my wedding.  Her lace overlay is whiter and brighter, but you get the idea.

    She loves it, and is super excited about it, which makes me happy since she was dreading trying on dresses (she has a colostomy bag and she doesn't love her figure, although I'd kill for her legs).  But, that lace overlay is killing me. 

    I cannot stress enough how much she loves this dress, and I can't tell if I'm overreacting or if there's cause for concern here.  I'm not only worried about pictures, but a LOT of the people who are coming are opinionated loudmouths who (unlike me) won't think twice about telling her their exact opinion of wearing white/ivory/champagne to a wedding, in excruciating and embarrassing detail.  Above all, I don't want her to have any negative feelings at all on my wedding day.  I'm worried if I DO say something, she'll be (at least) embarrassed and/or (at worst) offended.  It's worth mentioning that I've kinda-sorta painted myself into a corner, as she showed me the dress while I was distracted with something else and I gave a hearty "I love it!" before going back to what I was doing.  My concerns started later...

    My wedding is an outdoor, beachy/tropical (though not at a beach) ceremony with an indoor reception, and this dress gives her that breezy, dressing-up-for-a-fancy-dinner-while-on-vacation-in-Jamaica vibe that I'm going for. (In fact, HER dress has that vibe more than mine, which is a more traditional, lacy affair that I only tried on to shut the salesgirl up, and ended up falling in love with, tropical theme or no tropical theme.  Here's mine (ivory), although that's not me in the photo... http://www.bonny.com/collections/unforgettable/1413#.VbtCIvlVhBc)  In case the photo I attached of her dress is too small, here's a link to it as well, although her lace is much whiter: http://www.polyvore.com/its_tan_brown_mood/set?id=165938507

    I hate to say something and have her pick out something she isn't quite so comfortable in.  But I also don't want to avoid photos with her all night...

    So, fellow brides, do you think I'm just overreacting and the dress is in fact totally fine?  Or should I suck it up and be honest with her about maybe finding something else? If I should say something, any tips on how to bring it up???

    Thanks!



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  • mrscomposermrscomposer member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer

    Our general advice for 'what should they wear' is 'whatever makes them feel comfortable'.  The fact that your mom has a colostomy bag warrants her extra comfort points, in my opinion.  If she loves it, she loves it, and that's exactly what she should wear.

    And why on earth would you avoid pictures with your MOTHER at your WEDDING?

    **The OMH formerly known as jsangel1018**
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    mrscomposer said:

    Our general advice for 'what should they wear' is 'whatever makes them feel comfortable'.  The fact that your mom has a colostomy bag warrants her extra comfort points, in my opinion.  If she loves it, she loves it, and that's exactly what she should wear.

    And why on earth would you avoid pictures with your MOTHER at your WEDDING?

    Because it will ruin the pictures.  Duh.  Can you imagine the horror of having a picture of your mom in a white dress along with you?    I shutter to think of how tragic it would be to have to go through such a thing.     Much better to avoid all pictures so that will never happen.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    Report Reply
  • SP29SP29 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Yes, overreacting.

    Your dress is very obviously a wedding dress. Your mom's dress looks like a nice summer dress (very pretty!). No one will mistake her for the bride and not you ;).

    Let her wear whatever she feels comfortable in.

    I don't understand why you would avoid taking pictures with her??? Two very different dresses, two very different styles.

    Pippa wore a white dress as the MOH for Kate (which used to be traditional, that the BM's would wear white along with the bride... something about keeping evil spirits away from the bride???). Though she garnered her own attention for looking smoking in that dress, no one though she was the bride. Everyone still gushed over Kate who looked stunning herself.
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