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weird vent about families & babies

jenna8984jenna8984 member
First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
in Chit Chat

Does anyone else feel guilty for their children/ future children to not have grandparents or large family?

My family dynamic is so bizarre. My parents and their siblings don't speak so I hardly know any of my aunts/ uncles/ cousins. I see some of them once a year and others I haven't seen in over 5 years. There have never been any family weddings/ funerals/ nothing- we just do everything as individual family units. I have always been very bitter about this...every Thanksgiving and Christmas when all my friends are posting about their traditional holiday dinners with their big, crazy family, I always pout about how H & I are sitting home alone with no family. H doesn't mind at all but it's hard for me to get past.

I constantly see my friends posting pictures of their young kids with the grandparents and it makes me feel bad that my future child is going to miss out on all of that. Our kids will have literally just my H & myself in their lives- no grandparents, no aunts or uncles or cousins. I can't help but to feel guilty about this even though there's nothing I can do about it. I feel bitter about my lack of family and it sucks that I have to pass that down. Are any of you in the same boat? Anything you do to make it better or easier?

(in case anyone is wondering why we have no immediate family- H's parents are psychotic and we can't stand them so we see them about once a year. My parents are just distant assholes, they moved 2,000 miles away and visit us 1 weekend per year as if we are some random high school friend that they are obligated to visit. My brother has 3 small children and lives not far from me but he & his wife are flakes that blow me off every single time I try to visit so I stopped trying, and H is an only child)

                                                                 

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Re: weird vent about families & babies

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    arrippaarrippa member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its

    I grew up without extended family. All my aunts and cousins came into my life at a later date. I used to get jealous when friends or classmates talked about hanging out with cousins. I never got to do that as a kid. But on the flip side, our family of four as very close.  We did everything together. So I have great memories of being with just my family for holidays or vacations.  We also had a few families that were close friends with our family. We grew up with those kids like they were our "almost" cousins.

    I get the guilt. I live 3,000 miles away from my family. If I ever have kids, they will not be close to them. I think having such a small family growing up, I've always wanted a big family. But as someone who is nearing 40 without kids, it's looking less likely. 

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    cupcait927cupcait927 member
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    emoc625 said:
    I understand why this would be something you are stressing or disappointed about but I also think that family isn't necessarily blood relatives so your kids may not lack "family". I know one day when I have kids, my best friend will be their "auntie" even though she's not blood related. And even though I had my own, her grandparents are Grandma and Grandpa to me. You never know who you or your kids will develop strong relationships with and will consider family.  
    I agree with this. My children (if H and I have them) most likely will grow up without much blood-related family and honestly, there's not anything we can do about it so we don't worry about it. I grew up with hardly any family so it's something I'm used to. H has a giant family, so he grew up with tons of cousins around, but only has one sister and she might never have kids. I have one sister but we're currently estranged, so I never see her or my nephew and I doubt she'll have anymore kids. Our kids' family is going to be made up of their seconds cousins on H's side, our friends' kids, the people that we're close with. They'll know those people as family, even if they aren't related by blood. 
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    novella1186novella1186 member
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    I get what you mean. We do not communicate with my dad's side of the family at all except for 1 of his sisters, who we hardly ever see. My mom's side is scattered all over the country (and in other countries as well) so we don't see any of them for holidays. 

    Christmas was always a huge bummer for me because it was just my parents and I, and sometimes my sister (if she couldn't find anything better to do). We'd get up, open gifts, eat breakfast, and then just sit around all day totally bored. Couldn't go hang out with friends because they were busy with this huge, fun family parties. It was super depressing to me. And don't even get me started on how Hunnukah goes. 

    We kind of improvised a family for Thanksgiving to make it more fun. For several years, my friends would come home from college with me, my parents' friends would come over with their kids, my sister would invite all the regulars from the bar she was managing, her boyfriend would bring his roommates. It was the best, and by far the most fun I've ever had at a "family" holiday. 

    I used to think that I would have like 5 kids just to give them more family to have fun with. H and I have talked about this and he's in a very similar situation to mine, which always made him sad too. (Although I've definitely changed my mind about 5 kids. I'll have maybe 1. Maybe). 

    I think the way to get past it is to just make your own family. Pretty soon you'll have an annual tradition going, and it'll keep growing and keep getting more fun. 
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    STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
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    My parents moved my immediate family across an ocean from all the extended family. I always felt lucky we got to have every Christmas at home without some nasty aunt or grumpy grandma. We had lots of family friends to fill the gaps.
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    jenna8984jenna8984 member
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    That's very true. I actually forgot all about my parent's best friend couple that I called aunt & uncle and they didn't have children but they came with us on every vacation. Wow, can't believe I forgot about them! That makes me feel a little better that my friends will definitely be like aunts. And who knows, maybe some awesome couple will move in next door and we will be besties and they will have kids too? You never know lol

                                                                     

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    novella1186novella1186 member
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    edited August 2015
    jenna8984 said:
    That's very true. I actually forgot all about my parent's best friend couple that I called aunt & uncle and they didn't have children but they came with us on every vacation. Wow, can't believe I forgot about them! That makes me feel a little better that my friends will definitely be like aunts. And who knows, maybe some awesome couple will move in next door and we will be besties and they will have kids too? You never know lol
    All my "aunts, uncles, and cousins" growing up were family friends. In fact, one of my BMs was one of those family friends. I've known her since we were babies and to this day I introduce her to people as my cousin. I don't see her as anything but family. 

    ETF word fail 
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    redheadbride15redheadbride15 member
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    For perspective, I come from a Brady Bunch-style family (we're huge now, incorporating many steps into the mix after both of my parents remarried). But before that, it was just me, my sister, my mom, and my dad. My grandparents all passed away before I was born, my dad is estranged from his extended family, and everyone else lives in England and Wales and I never saw them. So I've seen it both ways and I don't think one is necessarily better than the other. It's the quality of relationships that matter more than the quantity. I think I turned out alright.

    Our kids won't know H's family much, if at all. His father is passed. He does not speak to his mother (she's crazy and abusive, so that's fine by me!). And his siblings live far away and we are not close to them (his sister didn't even come to our wedding, which hurt H's feelings tremendously). You get to choose who you (and your future kids!) spent time with. Those people you spend a lot of time with become your family, blood or no blood.
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    MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited August 2015
    My husband is the baby of the family, I'm much, much, much younger than him. My kids don't have any cousins their own age. When they were in grade school, we became close to parents who didn't have family members close by. We'd invite them for holiday meals and summer outings = Instant cousins for my kids, even thoug they aren't blood related. To this day, we all keep in touch and invite each other to showers, weddings etc...

    Jenna8984, sometimes you can choose your relatives.
                       
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    CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited August 2015
    jenna8984 said:

    Does anyone else feel guilty for their children/ future children to not have grandparents or large family?

    My family dynamic is so bizarre. My parents and their siblings don't speak so I hardly know any of my aunts/ uncles/ cousins. I see some of them once a year and others I haven't seen in over 5 years. There have never been any family weddings/ funerals/ nothing- we just do everything as individual family units. I have always been very bitter about this...every Thanksgiving and Christmas when all my friends are posting about their traditional holiday dinners with their big, crazy family, I always pout about how H & I are sitting home alone with no family. H doesn't mind at all but it's hard for me to get past.

    I constantly see my friends posting pictures of their young kids with the grandparents and it makes me feel bad that my future child is going to miss out on all of that. Our kids will have literally just my H & myself in their lives- no grandparents, no aunts or uncles or cousins. I can't help but to feel guilty about this even though there's nothing I can do about it. I feel bitter about my lack of family and it sucks that I have to pass that down. Are any of you in the same boat? Anything you do to make it better or easier?

    (in case anyone is wondering why we have no immediate family- H's parents are psychotic and we can't stand them so we see them about once a year. My parents are just distant assholes, they moved 2,000 miles away and visit us 1 weekend per year as if we are some random high school friend that they are obligated to visit. My brother has 3 small children and lives not far from me but he & his wife are flakes that blow me off every single time I try to visit so I stopped trying, and H is an only child)


    (SIB)

    If you do have children someday. you will do everything in your power to help them grow up with love and self esteem.  DH and I moved 1100 miles away from our dysfunctional families, and we visited for very short periods once a year.  Our kids are now very nice adults, and they have both thanked me for shielding them from the craziness and negativity. My daughter, who is now a mother, herself, is especially supportive of me with my background.
    Your families will not change.  You need to accept this, and try to do better when it is your turn.
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    jenna8984jenna8984 member
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    Thank you everyone, it is helpful to see that others do have the same issues. Another reason I hate things like facebook, because it throws all these seemingly "perfect" families in your face all the time. It's nice to just remember that it's not usually the case for a lot of people and you're not the only one going through something.

                                                                     

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    julieanne912julieanne912 member
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    My family isn't really dysfunctional or anything, but we grew up 6+ hours away from our closest relative.  My dad's mother was nearby and I was close with her, but she died when I was 13.  So our holidays were never huge family affairs or anything.  My mom also worked at a hospital so sometimes had to work on holidays.  As a kid, I don't think I was affected by it.  We just had a quiet day at home.  

    It took some adjustment with FI's family, as they do have the big family gettogethers.  It's funny though, they are more dysfunctional than mine, but they still rally it together and have christmas dinner together or whatever.  It is overwhelming to me.  


    Married 9.12.15
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    justsiejustsie member
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    Being with FI helped me see how different families can be, and how wonderfully fine people can grow up without grandparents and extended family. My family is one of those in which we see aunts/uncles and cousins more than twice a year, so when I met FI and saw it was just him, his brother and his two moms I was a little confused on how he didn't feel like he was "missing out" on the big family part. He's had an abusive step father- who unfortunately is still around and fucks with us as often as he can- and has never met his biological father. His mom's father died when he was young and he has no contact with his mom's mother nor his aunts/uncles from that side. His now step-mom's parents still feel like this is a phase their daughter is going through (after 11 years- and that's just with FI's mom) and don't consider my FI and his brother to be their grandchildren. I agree with others, you can always pick your family :)
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    AprilH81AprilH81 member
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    I'm late to this thread, but I was that kid who didn't have the "normal" grandparents.  My parents were estranged from his whole family while I was growing up and even though we lived in the same town we would go years without seeing them.  My Mom's parents were divorced, her Dad lived across the country and her Mom was married to an abusive alcoholic.  We saw them more frequently but I didn't get the whole "grandparent" experience from blood relatives.

    I think I had something much better.  There was a couple at church that claimed us as more of their grandchildren, we spent the night at their house, we rode bikes together, and they were supportive of our activities.  We also had neighbors across the street who were even MORE supportive.  They also called us grandkids and attending band concerts and softball games as they could.  Jo gave me her MIL's mink stole as a bridal shower gift after I asked to borrow it for our wedding (picture below in siggie).    Jo played such an important role in my life that if I ever have a daughter I want to name her after Jo (using either Joanna or Josephine).

    I was so loved by my adopted grandparents and my parents that I never felt the lack of "real" grandparents as a child and only noted the lack when I was a little older and saw what my friends had.  I still think I came out ahead of the game...

    As long as your child/children know they are loved by the adults in their world they will be fine.
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    ChemFanatic25ChemFanatic25 member
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    OP, I totally know how you feel. You may have seen some of my posts about my family. I absolutely love my siblings and my mom but we don't have the most amazing relationship. This is actually why I have been spending holidays away from them. I always end up taking responsibility and doing everything and coming away feeling exhausted, like I didn't do enough, and crying because someone was mad at me. I have created a new family with my boyfriend. Yes, it's just him and I but I enjoy our holidays together. They are way less stressful and he has most definitely gone out of his way to make these holidays amazing for me (grant it, we've only had one year of holidays together so far).

     

    Also, I no longer am in touch with my dad's family. They blamed us kids for my dad dying, basically believed we were the cause of his alcoholism and that if we weren't around then maybe he'd still be alive. My mom doesn't really talk to her siblings and when she does they always get in fights so I don't stay in touch with her family. It stinks seeing families together and they are all happy and hunky dory but I would take a quiet, peaceful holiday over one that is toxic and stressful knowing how my family is.

    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
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    Knottie92548810Knottie92548810 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    Any children that my future husband (16 days!) will have, will have no aunts, uncles or cousins, as we are both only children. FI only has his mom and I have my parents who are still together. But we have a core group of friends that are like our family. We celebrate holidays together and just generally enjoy life. It doesn't matter if you're blood related (as a PP said). 

    We are going to wait to have kids though until more of our friends are at the place we are. We would prefer that our kids at least grow up with our friends kids so it'll be basically like they have cousins.
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    novella1186novella1186 member
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    jenna8984 said:
    Thank you everyone, it is helpful to see that others do have the same issues. Another reason I hate things like facebook, because it throws all these seemingly "perfect" families in your face all the time. It's nice to just remember that it's not usually the case for a lot of people and you're not the only one going through something.
    Don't believe anything you see on facebook. Anyone who doesn't know me well/mostly knows me through facebook would probably say I have a great relationship with my family. You know the truth about how great my sister and dad and I get along. I just don't air my dirty laundry in public, and I don't post really dramatic/negative things for all the world to see. My family issues should not be fodder for facebook entertainment. So "the real story" isn't out there. But it's an ugly one. Don't be jealous of the crap you see on there! 
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    redheadbride15redheadbride15 member
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    edited August 2015
    Yeah, ditto everything @novella1186 said. My husband has a family member who I'm FB friends with but have never met IRL. Her FB profile is FULL of beautiful professional photos of her with her husband, son, and her husband's parents. The unwritten truth that I know is that she is a drug addict, her husband is abusive, and her in-laws have full custody of their son because of these two reasons. They must use their visiting time for professional photo shoots.

    ETF words
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    CMGragainCMGragain member
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    jenna8984 said:
    Thank you everyone, it is helpful to see that others do have the same issues. Another reason I hate things like facebook, because it throws all these seemingly "perfect" families in your face all the time. It's nice to just remember that it's not usually the case for a lot of people and you're not the only one going through something.
    During my mother's last marriage, the city newspaper did an article about our "happy, blended family" for the Sunday edition, complete with photos.  My mother was thrilled, and showed it to everybody.  Six months later, Step-Daddy left and filed for divorce. 
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    jenna8984jenna8984 member
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    @aprilh81 That is so sweet!!! And I have always loved the name Joanna FTR

                                                                     

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    AprilH81AprilH81 member
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    jenna8984 said:
    @aprilh81 That is so sweet!!! And I have always loved the name Joanna FTR

    Even though I no longer live in my home town it makes me so sad to look across the street and know that they no longer live there. Jo is now in a nursing home (she is 93) and her husband died 4 years ago. :( Still, you can make your own family if you weren't blessed with a great blood relatives. Also, DH is an only child so all of our children's cousins will come from my sister. I'm sure we will have honorary Aunts and Uncles from our friends...
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