What is the etiquette here?

miranda1227 · August 2015

I am starting to collect addresses and such for my invitations and I have gotten into a little bit of predicament. My uncle has three children from two different marriages. I never got close to the mother of the first two, as she and my uncle divorced when I was still rather young and she has not lived in town since. These two cousins are 15 and 12. I have always been on very good terms with the mother of his third child, who is 10, and she and my uncle have not been separated for even 6 months.

Basically, I am wanting to invite my 15 and 12 year old cousins but not their mother. Should I invite my two older cousins on their father's invitation, or send it addressed to them at their home address? Additionally, my grandmother is appalled at the idea of me not inviting their mother because I plan on inviting the mother of my 10 year old cousin. Am I wrong in doing this?

lyndausvi · August 2015

Invite them on their dad's invitation.

ETA - it's perfectly fine to invite the mother of the 3rd child and not the mother of the first two.

SP29 · August 2015

What lyndausvi said.

You can invite these 2 cousins as your uncle's children. He and the mother are not a social unit, so she doesn't have to be invited, where as his new SO is his social unit.

bizzy592 · August 2015

I think it's fine to invite the two children from the first marriage, without their mother. As PPs have said, you're inviting them as your uncles children.

However, I would also probably skip inviting the mother of his youngest child. If she and your uncle are recently separated, there is a good chance that things are not yet resolved, or amicable. I would ask your uncle how he would feel having her there, or whether that would lead to drama/a scene.

banana468 · August 2015

Ditto that you invite the kids on their mother's invitation.

That's what I did with my cousin's son. He's divorced from his first wife and there was no way I was going to be inviting her to the wedding. But we did invite his child.

aliwis000 · August 2015

I agree with other posters.

Invite the 12 and 15 and 10 year olds on the Dad's invitation. As for inviting the second mother that is hard. I would probably, as others have said, as your uncle if it would be too uncomfortable for him.

I am inviting my "ex-uncle" and my aunt. They divorced over 15 years ago now, it was messy but they have better pulled it together by now. My "ex-uncle" will obviously know that my aunt is invited but I am unsure if my aunt knows. I wont seat them at the same table or anything but I do expect adults to either be able to conduct themselves or leave. Once again however, this is an old divorce, coming up on 2 decades I think. Yes, some people never heal but as I said, they are adults and should be able to act like it for a few hours.

SP29 · August 2015

Sorry, I missed that Mother #2 is an ex (I thought she was still an SO). In which case, you don't need to invite her either. You can invite your uncle with all his children.

However, if you *want* to invite her because you like her, then she should be invited separately as I imagine she doesn't live with him?

miranda1227 · August 2015

This has all been great advice. I do want to invite my "ex" aunt because I do like her...I would be more worried about her feelings than my uncle's, as they separated because he cheated on her. But she is aware that he will be coming, and aliwis000 said, I expect two adults to be able to act like adults for one night or leave.

bizzy592 · August 2015

miranda1227 said:

This has all been great advice. I do want to invite my "ex" aunt because I do like her...I would be more worried about her feelings than my uncle's, as they separated because he cheated on her. But she is aware that he will be coming, and aliwis000 said, I expect two adults to be able to act like adults for one night or leave.

Given the bolded, and the fact that they've only been separated for 6 months, I would give more though to inviting the second wife. They are adults, but divorce is messy.

[Deleted User] · August 2015

I would invite the uncle with all three children listed on his invitation. If you want ex #2 invited, invite her too and include her child on the invite. Basically, invite the 10 year old twice so both parents (whoever has her for the weekend of your wedding) knows they can bring her.

What is the etiquette here?

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