Etiquette on children at rehearsal dinner and reception

Knottie1438534148 · August 2015

Okay so I am having a fairly large formal wedding. My rehearsal dinner is not kid friendly in any way. Its going to be a cocktail hour and then a sit down dinner with toasts and all the works. My matron of honor, who is also my cousin has two small children, an 8 year old and 5 year old. The 8 year old is our flower girl/junior bridesmaid. Well, when i was talking to her about how the rehearsal dinner isn't for children because there is not going to be a kids menu or anything kid friendly. I suggested she bring her mother, her sister in law or someone to help with the kids, if not we can find a way to make it work. She immediately snapped at me saying "Dont worry we dont have to go to that we will just hang out at the hotel".My matron of honor and her husband are driving in from out of town. I feel guilty but it is just not a kid frieny thing. Her kids would be the only ones there. I feel like she may not understand how formal my rehearsal dinner is going to be. I do understand that it is difficult for people with children, especially coming in from out of town. My FMIL is the one who initiay said no kids and i do agree. What's the etiquette on this situation?

AddieCake · August 2015

Is your flower girl participating in the rehearsal? Are you going to say, "Hey, come practice, but no dinner after for you" ?

SP29 · August 2015

If your flower girl will be in attendance for the rehearsal then she must also be hosted at the dinner, formal or not.

I don't understand why people think that children cannot attend formal events. Doesn't matter if there is only one or two children there. That is for the parents to worry about. At the same time, I don't think this means there needs to be a kids meal. I got told to eat whatever was put in front of me when I was a kid. Sure, I might not have liked everything, but that's for my parents to deal with, not the hosts. But when I was a kid, my nanny would ask if I wanted a burger and fries and I'd say, "No, I want fish, rice and corn". My mom took me out to a fine dinning restaurant when I was 8. Delish! Kids can attend fancy events, eat the same food as their parents and sit quietly.

Leave parents to parent their children.

Now, saying that, if the children are not involved in the rehearsal, then you are OK to say your MOHs kids are not invited to the RD. But realize that your MOH may be unable to attend because there is no one to watch her children. It is also not appropriate for you to say "bring a family member to travel with you to babysit". How do you know her mother/MIL/sister wants to give up their weekend to babysit for your wedding? Even if your wedding was in town for your MOH and her family, just because she has a mother/MIL/sister doesn't mean they are available to babysit. Again, you are free to invite or not invite whom you want to your wedding events, but your guests are also allowed to decline just the same.

In this case, I would make an exception for your MOH's two children (if you invite one child in a family, you should invite the rest of the children in the same family). If you want her there, knowing she is traveling from OOT with her 2 children, they should be invited so she can attend. As you said, it's only 2 children, not like we're talking about 20.

Knottie1438534148 · August 2015

Okay thanks! There was a misunderstanding and confusion with my FMIL about the children and MOH. FMIL is very traditional and didn't think it would be appropriate for the children to be around alcohol. She also didn't realize that it would be difficult for my MOH to bring a baby sitter. I am just trying to please everyone!

OliveOilsMom · August 2015

Knottie1438534148 said:

Okay so I am having a fairly large formal wedding. My rehearsal dinner is not kid friendly in any way. Its going to be a cocktail hour and then a sit down dinner with toasts and all the works. My matron of honor, who is also my cousin has two small children, an 8 year old and 5 year old. The 8 year old is our flower girl/junior bridesmaid. Well, when i was talking to her about how the rehearsal dinner isn't for children because there is not going to be a kids menu or anything kid friendly. I suggested she bring her mother, her sister in law or someone to help with the kids, if not we can find a way to make it work. She immediately snapped at me saying "Dont worry we dont have to go to that we will just hang out at the hotel".My matron of honor and her husband are driving in from out of town. I feel guilty but it is just not a kid frieny thing. Her kids would be the only ones there. I feel like she may not understand how formal my rehearsal dinner is going to be. I do understand that it is difficult for people with children, especially coming in from out of town. My FMIL is the one who initiay said no kids and i do agree. What's the etiquette on this situation?

Anyone involved in the rehearsal must also be hosted at the RD as a thank you for participating in the rehearsal. It is rude of you to not allow the WP kids to attend the RD. As a PP said, kids can attend formal events.

You stated your RD is very formal. Is it more formal than your wedding reception? Does that mean the kids are also not invited to the wedding reception? If so, that is also rude and even worse because you had kids in your wedding basically for pretty pictures.

FWIW, My MOH's kid attended our RD, but he wasn't invited to the wedding. I didn't want my MOH to have to find a babysitter twice in one week, so I made sure that her kid was invited. Was that etiquette approved - not really since all people invited to pre-wedding parties must also be invited to the wedding. But allowing my MOH's son allowed her to have a more comfortable evening with her H & son. Allowing your MOH's kids at the RD will allow her to have a more enjoyable evening, by the sounds of her reaction.

[Deleted User] · August 2015

Knottie1438534148 said:

Okay thanks! There was a misunderstanding and confusion with my FMIL about the children and MOH. FMIL is very traditional and didn't think it would be appropriate for the children to be around alcohol. She also didn't realize that it would be difficult for my MOH to bring a baby sitter. I am just trying to please everyone!

SIB

Puke. That's a cop out for anyone. That's not for anyone else to determine other then the parents. You don't know their private life they may enjoy a glass of wine at night or can of beer. I'm sure the children wont be scared unless you are having a binger which you keep saying it's a "very formal affair" so I highly doubt people will be out of control. I see no reason what so ever they cant be there. Especially if they are in your wedding. If I read that right its rude of you or FMIL for not providing them something to eat since you are expecting them to do you a service and walk down the aisle and you are feeding everyone else.

banana468 · August 2015

Knottie1438534148 said:

Okay thanks! There was a misunderstanding and confusion with my FMIL about the children and MOH. FMIL is very traditional and didn't think it would be appropriate for the children to be around alcohol. She also didn't realize that it would be difficult for my MOH to bring a baby sitter. I am just trying to please everyone!

To the bolded, what does that mean??

I come from an old-school Irish Catholic background and DH is old school American Catholic. Our families are pretty freakin' traditional. But we are raised to obey the law of the land and that means that mom and dad drink while the kids don't. It's alcohol - not porn.

MyNameIsNot · August 2015

If you're having the child in the wedding, you have to invite her to the RD.

Why do you think your MOH is incapable of taking care of her children at the RD?

lyndausvi · August 2015

banana468 said:

Knottie1438534148 said:

Okay thanks! There was a misunderstanding and confusion with my FMIL about the children and MOH. FMIL is very traditional and didn't think it would be appropriate for the children to be around alcohol. She also didn't realize that it would be difficult for my MOH to bring a baby sitter. I am just trying to please everyone!

To the bolded, what does that mean??

I come from an old-school Irish Catholic background and DH is old school American Catholic. Our families are pretty freakin' traditional. But we are raised to obey the law of the land and that means that mom and dad drink while the kids don't. It's alcohol - not porn.

yeah I do not get it at all.

Plus the girl is a flower girl, why in the world would you exclude based on age.

MobKaz · August 2015

Knottie1438534148 said:

Okay thanks! There was a misunderstanding and confusion with my FMIL about the children and MOH. FMIL is very traditional and didn't think it would be appropriate for the children to be around alcohol. She also didn't realize that it would be difficult for my MOH to bring a baby sitter. I am just trying to please everyone!

Your FMIL is experiencing logic fail. As an official member of the wedding party, the flower girl needs to be included at both the rehearsal dinner AND the wedding reception. Unless you are having a dry wedding reception, FMIL's excuse, and it IS an excuse, doesn't hold water at all.

KatWAG · August 2015

Knottie1438534148 said:

Okay thanks! There was a misunderstanding and confusion with my FMIL about the children and MOH. FMIL is very traditional and didn't think it would be appropriate for the children to be around alcohol. She also didn't realize that it would be difficult for my MOH to bring a baby sitter. I am just trying to please everyone!

Why is your FMIL concerning herself with the babysitting arranged of someone else's child?

IS FMIL hosting the RD?

KeyToHisHeart2017 · August 2015

Knottie1438534148 said:

Okay thanks! There was a misunderstanding and confusion with my FMIL about the children and MOH. FMIL is very traditional and didn't think it would be appropriate for the children to be around alcohol. She also didn't realize that it would be difficult for my MOH to bring a baby sitter. I am just trying to please everyone!

I am new to The Knot and have mostly been lurking, but I do want to add my two cents on this dilemma. It is up to the parents to decide if they want their children around alcohol as most parents have different views on this matter. For example, My FI and I helped host a surprise "Dirty Thirty" for his best friend. The party was held at a restaurant known for their cold beer and scantly dressed waitresses. We, personally, chose not to bring our children who are between the ages of 4-9 purely because of the scantly dressed waitresses. Other parents in attendance chose to bring their children who were within the same age ranges, simply because they did not personally find it inappropriate. Considering the child is in your wedding party and attending the rehearsal, I would leave it up to the parents discretion on whether or not they want their child around alcohol at the rehearsal dinner.

STARMOON44 · August 2015

Lol at the idea that it's traditional not to expose children to the horror of adults drinking at a festive meal.

Call her back, profusely apologize, and tell her that of course they are completely welcome.

MobKaz · August 2015

BrandtToBe2017 said:

Knottie1438534148 said:

Okay thanks! There was a misunderstanding and confusion with my FMIL about the children and MOH. FMIL is very traditional and didn't think it would be appropriate for the children to be around alcohol. She also didn't realize that it would be difficult for my MOH to bring a baby sitter. I am just trying to please everyone!

I am new to The Knot and have mostly been lurking, but I do want to add my two cents on this dilemma. It is up to the parents to decide if they want their children around alcohol as most parents have different views on this matter. For example, My FI and I helped host a surprise "Dirty Thirty" for his best friend. The party was held at a restaurant known for their cold beer and scantly dressed waitresses. We, personally, chose not to bring our children who are between the ages of 4-9 purely because of the scantly dressed waitresses. Other parents in attendance chose to bring their children who were within the same age ranges, simply because they did not personally find it inappropriate. Considering the child is in your wedding party and attending the rehearsal, I would leave it up to the parents discretion on whether or not they want their child around alcohol at the rehearsal dinner.

I agree with your basic argument. However, in this case, the MOH was clearly NOT given a choice. This was NOT a random birthday party event. It was an event in which the child of the MOH was a member of the wedding party. In this specific instance, there was no dilemma. The flower girl absolutely should have been invited. The MOH was never even given the option to make the choice as to whether she wanted her daughter around alcohol. And FWIW, in my view, there is a HUGE difference between children at family functions where alcohol is served, and taking little ones to The Tilted Kilt or other restaurants with "scantily clad" servers. However, it begs the question.....when on vacation, my kids were at pools and beaches with "scantily clad" men and women, and alcohol was available. Where do you draw the line?

lyndausvi · August 2015

STARMOON44 said:

Lol at the idea that it's traditional not to expose children to the horror of adults drinking at a festive meal. Call her back, profusely apologize, and tell her that of course they are completely welcome.

i can't imagine the horror on the FMIL's face at one of our family 1st birthday parties and christenings.

Wonder what she does when she see's kids at restaurants at serve alcohol? Ruby Tuseday's, Applebee's come to mind.

banana468 · August 2015

lyndausvi said:

STARMOON44 said:

Lol at the idea that it's traditional not to expose children to the horror of adults drinking at a festive meal. Call her back, profusely apologize, and tell her that of course they are completely welcome.

i can't imagine the horror on the FMIL's face at one of our family 1st birthday parties and christenings.

Wonder what she does when she see's kids at restaurants at serve alcohol? Ruby Tuseday's, Applebee's come to mind.

This. I hope that the people near DH and me didn't clutch their pearls when DH and I each had a Dark and Stormy in front of our kids at lunch two weeks ago - enter even more pearl clutching when I nursed DS shortly after consuming said cocktail!

Heffalump · August 2015

All of the PPs have covered this well, just wanted to throw in my two cents:

1. At our RD, one of my bridesmaids and her H came from out of town with their two girls. All four were invited, and they chose to bring the kids. Knowing her, had it been local she probably would have gotten a sitter, but since it was OOT it was easier on everyone to bring them along. Wine was consumed, toasts were made, and both girls are now in high school without any kind of PTSD from the event. (Our FG and RB were also there with their parents, and managed to survive unscathed.)

2. DD has been to at least two RDs that I can think of, off the top of my head, because they were also OOT and anyone who might have been able to watch her was also at the RD. Contrary to popular belief, she did not run wild through the restaurant, overturning chairs and stealing G&Ts. She knows how to behave in public, and if she hadn't, one of us would have removed her.

Of course members of the WP who attend the rehearsal are invited to the RD. Period. Full stop. To not do so is incredibly rude. Basically, you treated her like she was good enough to pose for pictures, but not good enough be thanked for her time and effort at the rehearsal. Not cool.

TrixieJess · August 2015

Knottie1438534148 said:

Okay thanks! There was a misunderstanding and confusion with my FMIL about the children and MOH. FMIL is very traditional and didn't think it would be appropriate for the children to be around alcohol. She also didn't realize that it would be difficult for my MOH to bring a baby sitter. I am just trying to please everyone!

So no one ever drinks around any children in your family? A glass of wine, a bottle of beer? I have a 2 year old and we drink wine and beer with dinner. We go to children's birthday parties with alcohol being served. We go to adult's birthday parties with kids where alcohol is served.

Also, as for kid's meals. Not every kid eats kids meals. My kid doesn't. Most of the meals that are on the kid's menus are nutritionally bereft. I usually order him a couple of appetizers or share our meals.

Jen4948 · August 2015

Whether or not alcohol is served, children in the wedding party need to be invited to rehearsal dinners (with their parents). Not to is very rude.

Assuming your FMIL is hosting, she needs to either not serve alcohol or accept that the children will be there even if there is alcohol.

Heffalump · August 2015

TrixieJess said:

Also, as for kid's meals. Not every kid eats kids meals. My kid doesn't. Most of the meals that are on the kid's menus are nutritionally bereft. I usually order him a couple of appetizers or share our meals.

So true. My oldest is a great eater. (When she was two, my mom took us out for lunch and asked what she wanted, and dd said "salmon." At the moment, her favorite food is "sushi with lots of roe.") Whereas my youngest would eat mac and cheese for every meal if I let him.

When my brother got married, I thought it was really nice that he asked if we wanted the kid's meal or the adult meal for her. I would have never in a million years asked for something special for her, but I thought it was considerate that we got to choose from the options they were already planning on serving, and she wasn't stuck with chicken fingers or whatever.

So no, absence of a menu that doubles as a coloring page does not automatically disqualify kids from attending.

lyndausvi · August 2015

Heffalump said:

TrixieJess said:

Also, as for kid's meals. Not every kid eats kids meals. My kid doesn't. Most of the meals that are on the kid's menus are nutritionally bereft. I usually order him a couple of appetizers or share our meals.

So true. My oldest is a great eater. (When she was two, my mom took us out for lunch and asked what she wanted, and dd said "salmon." At the moment, her favorite food is "sushi with lots of roe.") Whereas my youngest would eat mac and cheese for every meal if I let him.

When my brother got married, I thought it was really nice that he asked if we wanted the kid's meal or the adult meal for her. I would have never in a million years asked for something special for her, but I thought it was considerate that we got to choose from the options they were already planning on serving, and she wasn't stuck with chicken fingers or whatever.

So no, absence of a menu that doubles as a coloring page does not automatically disqualify kids from attending.

yep.

and even with a lack of a kids menu, most chefs can make something simple for a child anyway.

PrettyGirlLost · August 2015

Knottie1438534148 said:

Okay so I am having a fairly large formal wedding. My rehearsal dinner is not kid friendly in any way. Its going to be a cocktail hour and then a sit down dinner with toasts and all the works. Do children in your family typically eat dinner standing up or in a bathtub or something? Why wouldn't a sit down dinner be kid friendly? Kids sit down to eat just like grown ups do. My matron of honor, who is also my cousin has two small children, an 8 year old and 5 year old. The 8 year old is our flower girl/junior bridesmaid. If they are going to be present at the rehearsal, then they need to be treated to dinner afterwards. Even if they were not part of your WP, the SO's and children of WP members who are required to participate in your rehearsal must be hosted at the dinner afterwards. Well, when i was talking to her about how the rehearsal dinner isn't for children because there is not going to be a kids menu or anything kid friendly. I suggest you talk to your venue about adding some children's' meal options. I suggested she bring her mother, her sister in law or someone to help with the kids, if not we can find a way to make it work. Help the kids do what!? They aren't infants or young toddlers, so they don't need help feeding themselves. They are both old enough to be able to behave at a dinner. And I assume you will be paying for her mother/SIL/Someone's meals at your RD, in addition to the kids' meals, right? She immediately snapped at me saying "Dont worry we dont have to go to that we will just hang out at the hotel". Yeah, I'd be pissed if you expected to use my kids as props in your ceremony but refused to host them to dinner like everyone else afterwards. My matron of honor and her husband are driving in from out of town. I feel guilty but it is just not a kid frieny thing. So make it kid friendly. Make sure there are children's meal options and get the kids a toy or two and a coloring book and crayons. . . you are getting them a gift for being in your WP, right? Just like everyone else in the WP? Her kids would be the only ones there. I feel like she may not understand how formal my rehearsal dinner is going to be. Is this a black tie dinner or something? *I* don't understand how formal a dinner the night before your wedding is supposed to be. It's.Just.Dinner. It doesn't have to be a State dinner, and even if it was, why do you think her kids won't be able to behave during dinner? Hell, if you bore everyone with too many long winded "speeches" that are actually supposed to be brief toasts, and slideshows, etc, you are likely to bore your adult guests too. I do understand that it is difficult for people with children, especially coming in from out of town. My FMIL is the one who initiay said no kids and i do agree. What's the etiquette on this situation?

The etiquette is that you invite your MOH's kids to the RD, you make sure they have food, and you trust your MOH and her husband to parent them.

Knottie1438534148 said:

Okay thanks! There was a misunderstanding and confusion with my FMIL about the children and MOH. FMIL is very traditional and didn't think it would be appropriate for the children to be around alcohol. She also didn't realize that it would be difficult for my MOH to bring a baby sitter. I am just trying to please everyone!

Every time I see someone say this on these boards, I'm just baffled. I want to be a fly on the wall in those family homes:

Muffy: "For God's sake, Trevor, get rid of that Chateua Margaux before Remmington and Kingsley get back from their polo lesson! I'm not raising them to turn into a lush like your mother!"

Trevor: "Dear God, Muffy, take another Xanax. I'll just retire to my office- Lord knows this bottle cost more than your divorce settlement from your 1st husband."

MandyMost · August 2015

RachelLee83 said:

Knottie1438534148 said:

Okay thanks! There was a misunderstanding and confusion with my FMIL about the children and MOH. FMIL is very traditional and didn't think it would be appropriate for the children to be around alcohol. She also didn't realize that it would be difficult for my MOH to bring a baby sitter. I am just trying to please everyone!

SIB

Puke. That's a cop out for anyone. That's not for anyone else to determine other then the parents. You don't know their private life they may enjoy a glass of wine at night or can of beer. I'm sure the children wont be scared unless you are having a binger which you keep saying it's a "very formal affair" so I highly doubt people will be out of control. I see no reason what so ever they cant be there. Especially if they are in your wedding. If I read that right its rude of you or FMIL for not providing them something to eat since you are expecting them to do you a service and walk down the aisle and you are feeding everyone else.

My parents became parents fairly young, and I attended plenty of backyard ragers as a small child, and am no worse for the wear because of it. Kids can be around more than an occasional glass of wine with dinner and not be traumatized.

ShesSoCold · August 2015

The people I know who were overly sheltered and told alcohol was bad and scary were the people drinking the most and doing the most drugs in high school.

Etiquette on children at rehearsal dinner and reception

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