Dollar dance without my consent...now what??

primafaba15 · August 2015

FI and I both know dollar dances are in poor taste, and we NEVER had any thought of including one in our wedding.

When we booked our DJ/emcee 14 months before the wedding, he asked about doing games (he had mentioned specifically goofy dance contests and centerpiece giveaways). We're not big on games, but he made a big thing about how important it was to make things interesting for our guests and etc. so we didn't give him a hard no. We were supposed to have another conversation about it later but H dragged his feet so much on planning that in the end all we managed was an emailed list of songs, intros, etc. a couple weeks in advance. To be honest, I've heard so much on these forums about how dollar dances are in poor etiquette, and neither of us comes from that tradition, and none of the games he described were along those lines, so I stupidly didn't think to explicitly address it. I think I thought the DJ would know better (of course, I also thought he'd know better than to play "Blurred Lines" at a wedding, so clearly there were a lot of issues there).

Well, sure enough, he did a version of the dollar dance (he had one person from each table produce $1, pass it around, and then two people dance down the floor and give it to us). I wasn't familiar with this version and we were scarfing down our dinner at the time so it took a few minutes to realize what was going on and then I wasn't sure how to stop it without making a scene.

Everyone seemed to take it in good fun and enjoy themselves, but suffice it to say, I'm completely MORTIFIED. Is there something I can or should do post-wedding to atone for this happening? Our families didn't seem to understand what the big deal is, but I am so embarrassed and I feel like it reflects very poorly on both of us that this happened. We only got about $10 from it, and we used the cash at church the next morning so at least it went to a good cause (I realize that doesn't make it better, AT ALL). Because of the passing around we have no idea who originally contributed each of the bills.

MandyMost · August 2015

Nothing you can do about it now, accept take it as a "lesson learned" and spread the word that you shouldn't book a DJ who's not on the same page as you!

We purposely booked a DJ from a company that was very anti-games and anti-organized dancing and anti-too many announcements. If you feel the same way, do whatever you can do avoid booking a DJ who thinks these are mandatory!

Maggie0829 · August 2015

primafaba15 said:

FI and I both know dollar dances are in poor taste, and we NEVER had any thought of including one in our wedding.

When we booked our DJ/emcee 14 months before the wedding, he asked about doing games (he had mentioned specifically goofy dance contests and centerpiece giveaways). We're not big on games, but he made a big thing about how important it was to make things interesting for our guests and etc. so we didn't give him a hard no. We were supposed to have another conversation about it later but H dragged his feet so much on planning that in the end all we managed was an emailed list of songs, intros, etc. a couple weeks in advance. To be honest, I've heard so much on these forums about how dollar dances are in poor etiquette, and neither of us comes from that tradition, and none of the games he described were along those lines, so I stupidly didn't think to explicitly address it. I think I thought the DJ would know better (of course, I also thought he'd know better than to play "Blurred Lines" at a wedding, so clearly there were a lot of issues there).

Well, sure enough, he did a version of the dollar dance (he had one person from each table produce $1, pass it around, and then two people dance down the floor and give it to us). I wasn't familiar with this version and we were scarfing down our dinner at the time so it took a few minutes to realize what was going on and then I wasn't sure how to stop it without making a scene.

Everyone seemed to take it in good fun and enjoy themselves, but suffice it to say, I'm completely MORTIFIED. Is there something I can or should do post-wedding to atone for this happening? Our families didn't seem to understand what the big deal is, but I am so embarrassed and I feel like it reflects very poorly on both of us that this happened. We only got about $10 from it, and we used the cash at church the next morning so at least it went to a good cause (I realize that doesn't make it better, AT ALL). Because of the passing around we have no idea who originally contributed each of the bills.

First bolded - um, why would you just assume that he would know not to play that song? That is a great song to dance to because it has a great beat. I doubt many people take lyrics literally in a lot of the pop songs now a days.

As for what you should do, the answer would be nothing. Don't draw anymore attention to it. It sucks that it happened, but this is a good lesson learned to be more clear in the future with your vendors. But if you try to atone for it you are going to basically take this tiny molehill and turn it into Everest.

primafaba15 · August 2015

MandyMost said:

Nothing you can do about it now, accept take it as a "lesson learned" and spread the word that you shouldn't book a DJ who's not on the same page as you!

We purposely booked a DJ from a company that was very anti-games and anti-organized dancing and anti-too many announcements. If you feel the same way, do whatever you can do avoid booking a DJ who thinks these are mandatory!

For us a lot of it came down to pricing -- he was $750, most other DJs in the area were coming in well over $1000; he said we could communicate back and forth as much as necessary, other DJs were going to limit us to 1 contact with the kind of contact we could afford; etc. Plus, to @Maggie0829's point about Blurred Lines...he told us he normally just didn't bring explicit or other inappropriate kinds of stuff when he goes to weddings so even if guests request them it wouldn't be an issue. I swear we're really not prudes -- there were just some very conservative family members (some of whom think dancing and alcohol are of the devil, period) in attendance, so keeping things family-friendly was important. Several songs in that vein were played, and rude comments were definitely made to us and our parents.

But yes, I definitely learned a lot of lessons across the board about being more explicit with vendors (and not waiting for H to get on board, since that's really what did us in). I feel bad that there's nothing more we can do, but at least I know I'm not missing out on something important I should be doing to make up for it.

Maggie0829 · August 2015

primafaba15 said:

MandyMost said:

Nothing you can do about it now, accept take it as a "lesson learned" and spread the word that you shouldn't book a DJ who's not on the same page as you!

We purposely booked a DJ from a company that was very anti-games and anti-organized dancing and anti-too many announcements. If you feel the same way, do whatever you can do avoid booking a DJ who thinks these are mandatory!

For us a lot of it came down to pricing -- he was $750, most other DJs in the area were coming in well over $1000; he said we could communicate back and forth as much as necessary, other DJs were going to limit us to 1 contact with the kind of contact we could afford; etc. Plus, to @Maggie0829's point about Blurred Lines...he told us he normally just didn't bring explicit or other inappropriate kinds of stuff when he goes to weddings so even if guests request them it wouldn't be an issue. I swear we're really not prudes -- there were just some very conservative family members (some of whom think dancing and alcohol are of the devil, period) in attendance, so keeping things family-friendly was important. Several songs in that vein were played, and rude comments were definitely made to us and our parents.

But yes, I definitely learned a lot of lessons across the board about being more explicit with vendors (and not waiting for H to get on board, since that's really what did us in). I feel bad that there's nothing more we can do, but at least I know I'm not missing out on something important I should be doing to make up for it.

He probably meant that he plays censored versions of songs (like the one's played on the radio).

As for people who complained about the music played. That is their issue. There are only so many songs that you can put on a do not play list before you just run out of material, especially if you are trying to please people who think dancing is for the devil. I feel like these people would have only been happy if you played gospel the entire time. So forget their comments. Not your problem or worry.

AddieCake · August 2015

I wouldn't worry about it other than maybe contact the DJ and tell him you didn't want a money dance and that in the future he should probably check with couples before he begins one.

OliveOilsMom · August 2015

I would not address it with my family at all. I would call the DJ up and complain to him that you had requested no games and only family friendly songs. Tell him that he did not follow your instructions and you are upset. If he tries to say that games liven up the party, tell him no, his DJing of music is what is supposed to get the party going.

I would also write some reviews online that outlined how the DJ did not comply with your wishing of no games and family friendly music.

I also agree with Maggie about playing "Blurred Lines" it has a really good beat to dance to. Also, the lyrics are hard to understand, IMHO.

Jen4948 · August 2015

You can give him a negative review.

As for the complaints about the music, tell those people, "Sorry, but we're not open to hearing about the music, because we don't consider that a problem."

beachyone15 · August 2015

That's unfortunate. Nothing you can do now. Just try not to worry about it.

I do find this a bit odd though - our DJ had us compete a worksheet on what we wanted/didn't want: dollar dance, bouquet toss, grand exit, etc. It might be a good idea to give him constructive criticism for the future. He shouldn't be assuming that you want something without discussing it with you first.

kvruns · August 2015

can't do anything about it now so I wouldn't worry about it. I'm sure people saw it more as something the DJ did as a "fun" thing as opposed to thinking you guys were looking to make some $$$.

I'm not sure if I'd leave a negative review about it thought. It doesn't sound like you gave him a specific answer on the no games thing or addressed it in any way and just assumed a dollar dance wasn't included so I'm not sure I'd give a bad review just because of that. He probably should have circled back on the games item but so should you/FI if you weren't sure games were off the table.

primafaba15 · August 2015

beachyone15 said:

That's unfortunate. Nothing you can do now. Just try not to worry about it.

I do find this a bit odd though - our DJ had us compete a worksheet on what we wanted/didn't want: dollar dance, bouquet toss, grand exit, etc. It might be a good idea to give him constructive criticism for the future. He shouldn't be assuming that you want something without discussing it with you first.

Funnily enough we *did * have a worksheet, but the only thing it touched in terms of games was whether we wanted him to give the centerpieces away (which we agreed to, but in the end asked him not to do because he played so many other games -- none of which broke etiquette except for the one but which were REALLY uncomfortable for an introverted bridal couple -- that we didn't want him to interrupt dancing AGAIN 40 minutes before the end).

I can see where maybe our understanding of non-explicit / family-friendly music and his differed. In retrospect, we should also have taken more control of the song-list. Since maybe only 10% of the invited guests were under 40, our parents told us we needed to limit "our" kind of music and cater to our older relatives, and we were pretty lost there -- plus the DJ strongly discouraged us from setting a long do-not-play list or limiting requests because it makes guests unhappy. I don't know that H thought much about it but I got to a point of feeling that my specific expectations were selfish and more in line with the "it's MY day!" mentality I grew up with.

Is it horrible to give him a semi-critical review when we (a) clearly didn't give enough guidance and (b) didn't address the issues at the time? We didn't even have enough time to finish eating at the reception and I'd say a majority of guests enjoyed the music and embarrassing games, so it seemed like a bad time to try to make an issue of things.

primafaba15 · August 2015

kvruns said:

can't do anything about it now so I wouldn't worry about it. I'm sure people saw it more as something the DJ did as a "fun" thing as opposed to thinking you guys were looking to make some $$$.
I'm not sure if I'd leave a negative review about it thought. It doesn't sound like you gave him a specific answer on the no games thing or addressed it in any way and just assumed a dollar dance wasn't included so I'm not sure I'd give a bad review just because of that. He probably should have circled back on the games item but so should you/FI if you weren't sure games were off the table.

This is my hesitation. We didn't address it well enough and part of me feels like you get what you pay for. We were willing to grudgingly allow some games on the table because DJ insisted and we know we're fuddy-duddies but we'd intended to discuss which games specifically. H got very anti-wedding-planning and by the time he was willing to consider addressing the music, we really sent in the song list even later than we should have, much less discussing anything else.

kimmiinthemitten · August 2015

I'm still confused by this games idea? I have never seen a DJ initiate games at a wedding. What kind of games were there?

And no, I think if you want to follow up with feedback privately you can. But it doesn't seem like you were clear either in what you expected from him so he took the initiative and shouldn't be publicly criticized for that. Obviously to him, the dollar dance is a "game" and those were permitted.

FWIW, the DJ is an item I intend to be very picky about. The music and the crowd should keep the reception fun, not some emcee initiating activities.

Jen4948 · August 2015

primafaba15 said:

beachyone15 said:

That's unfortunate. Nothing you can do now. Just try not to worry about it.

I do find this a bit odd though - our DJ had us compete a worksheet on what we wanted/didn't want: dollar dance, bouquet toss, grand exit, etc. It might be a good idea to give him constructive criticism for the future. He shouldn't be assuming that you want something without discussing it with you first.

Funnily enough we *did * have a worksheet, but the only thing it touched in terms of games was whether we wanted him to give the centerpieces away (which we agreed to, but in the end asked him not to do because he played so many other games -- none of which broke etiquette except for the one but which were REALLY uncomfortable for an introverted bridal couple -- that we didn't want him to interrupt dancing AGAIN 40 minutes before the end).

I can see where maybe our understanding of non-explicit / family-friendly music and his differed. In retrospect, we should also have taken more control of the song-list. Since maybe only 10% of the invited guests were under 40, our parents told us we needed to limit "our" kind of music and cater to our older relatives, and we were pretty lost there -- plus the DJ strongly discouraged us from setting a long do-not-play list or limiting requests because it makes guests unhappy. I don't know that H thought much about it but I got to a point of feeling that my specific expectations were selfish and more in line with the "it's MY day!" mentality I grew up with.

Is it horrible to give him a semi-critical review when we (a) clearly didn't give enough guidance and (b) didn't address the issues at the time? We didn't even have enough time to finish eating at the reception and I'd say a majority of guests enjoyed the music and embarrassing games, so it seemed like a bad time to try to make an issue of things.

Under the circumstances, I think it would be fair to say that although you made clear that you didn't want a dollar dance, apparently he misunderstood and did what he did anyway. But you can let the music go.

primafaba15 · August 2015

@kimmiandkoley I thought the games idea was kind of dumb but I'd seen it done and our families were very on board so I thought maybe it was just for an older audience or me being weird. My folks gave me a lot of warnings about the entertainment because, again, they said it needed to be primarily aimed at the older adults in the room and this was not a party for my 20-something friends (because there were so few of them). Of course in the end my family mostly sat in the corner in silence (even the ones who don't mind dancing) while H's family danced so I'm not sure what the point was.

Games included:

- Dollar dance thing

- Centerpiece giveaway that never happened

- "How well do they know each other" game where the DJ had us come up, sit back to back and exchange shoes. Then he read statements and we held up the shoe of the person we thought it applied most to (we had no idea what this was going to be when we were called up). A lot of people thought it was funny, but some of the questions were clearly for couples who had already lived together (we hadn't) and one or two were things like "Who's more likely to say 'Not tonight, honey?'" that we would rather not have answered in front of the grandmothers....

- Other game where he had all the guys come up and they were supposed to serenade me, only none of the guys knew the song because they were too young so it didn't work. Then he had the girls come up and serenade H with the MOH/my sister sitting on his knee.

I think there was at least one other but I honestly can't think of it. We did a bouquet toss but skipped the garter because it made us uncomfortable.

I feel really stupid, in retrospect. I kind of went into it assuming that any expectations I had, like I said, were either self-centered or "boring" or came from not understanding what kinds of things people enjoy. And like I said, everyone at the wedding had a blast and my parents told us afterwards how hilarious the games were. We just really hated them.

But yeah. I think I can't really give him any feedback at all, private or otherwise, because anything would make him feel bad and this is 100% my incompetence. Nothing left to do but deal with my guilt and try not to look at the pictures of those moments too much.

kimmiinthemitten · August 2015

primafaba15 said:

@kimmiandkoley I thought the games idea was kind of dumb but I'd seen it done and our families were very on board so I thought maybe it was just for an older audience or me being weird. My folks gave me a lot of warnings about the entertainment because, again, they said it needed to be primarily aimed at the older adults in the room and this was not a party for my 20-something friends (because there were so few of them). Of course in the end my family mostly sat in the corner in silence (even the ones who don't mind dancing) while H's family danced so I'm not sure what the point was.

Games included:

- Dollar dance thing

- Centerpiece giveaway that never happened

- "How well do they know each other" game where the DJ had us come up, sit back to back and exchange shoes. Then he read statements and we held up the shoe of the person we thought it applied most to (we had no idea what this was going to be when we were called up). A lot of people thought it was funny, but some of the questions were clearly for couples who had already lived together (we hadn't) and one or two were things like "Who's more likely to say 'Not tonight, honey?'" that we would rather not have answered in front of the grandmothers....

- Other game where he had all the guys come up and they were supposed to serenade me, only none of the guys knew the song because they were too young so it didn't work. Then he had the girls come up and serenade H with the MOH/my sister sitting on his knee.

I think there was at least one other but I honestly can't think of it. We did a bouquet toss but skipped the garter because it made us uncomfortable.

I feel really stupid, in retrospect. I kind of went into it assuming that any expectations I had, like I said, were either self-centered or "boring" or came from not understanding what kinds of things people enjoy. And like I said, everyone at the wedding had a blast and my parents told us afterwards how hilarious the games were. We just really hated them.

But yeah. I think I can't really give him any feedback at all, private or otherwise, because anything would make him feel bad and this is 100% my incompetence. Nothing left to do but deal with my guilt and try not to look at the pictures of those moments too much.

So, as of today you're married and your guests had a great time? Sounds like a successful wedding/reception to me! Don't sweat the small stuff. Just bask in your newlywed-ness.

primafaba15 · August 2015

No, I think we definitely lucked out! We felt good that everyone had a good time.

I just wanted to explore whether I should do something about this so I can stop wanting to curl up in shame / misery (or being grumpy with H for not letting us plan things better/earlier) every time I try to actually remember the evening :-). It was easier to brush off at the time but I tend to be a bit obsessive in reliving my goof-ups in general.

SP29 · August 2015

Sounds like a not so great DJ! Holy games! I've seen one MAYBE two games done at a wedding, and even then, just so you know- just because you don't have games doesn't mean you're boring. Most weddings I've been to don't have games. It's the DJ who keeps the partying going. And DJ's should know what good wedding songs are. Granted, the second last wedding I went to, Blurred Lines was played. Most people stayed on the dance floor, but I know some people are offended by that song in particularly, and they aren't "boring" either.

But post wedding, I don't think there is anything you can do regarding the dance. It's done, it's over. Most people probably forgot about it. If anyone *does* ever bring it up, but I doubt they will, you can turn it into a joke about the "crazy DJ".

Keep it as a lesson learned and something you can share with any friends who are getting married in the future. You can tell them all about being clear with the DJ regarding what type of music they like/want and whether or not there are games

.

Bigwands · August 2015

primafaba15 said:

FI and I both know dollar dances are in poor taste, and we NEVER had any thought of including one in our wedding.

When we booked our DJ/emcee 14 months before the wedding, he asked about doing games (he had mentioned specifically goofy dance contests and centerpiece giveaways). We're not big on games, but he made a big thing about how important it was to make things interesting for our guests and etc. so we didn't give him a hard no. We were supposed to have another conversation about it later but H dragged his feet so much on planning that in the end all we managed was an emailed list of songs, intros, etc. a couple weeks in advance. To be honest, I've heard so much on these forums about how dollar dances are in poor etiquette, and neither of us comes from that tradition, and none of the games he described were along those lines, so I stupidly didn't think to explicitly address it. I think I thought the DJ would know better (of course, I also thought he'd know better than to play "Blurred Lines" at a wedding, so clearly there were a lot of issues there).

Well, sure enough, he did a version of the dollar dance (he had one person from each table produce $1, pass it around, and then two people dance down the floor and give it to us). I wasn't familiar with this version and we were scarfing down our dinner at the time so it took a few minutes to realize what was going on and then I wasn't sure how to stop it without making a scene.

Everyone seemed to take it in good fun and enjoy themselves, but suffice it to say, I'm completely MORTIFIED. Is there something I can or should do post-wedding to atone for this happening? Our families didn't seem to understand what the big deal is, but I am so embarrassed and I feel like it reflects very poorly on both of us that this happened. We only got about $10 from it, and we used the cash at church the next morning so at least it went to a good cause (I realize that doesn't make it better, AT ALL). Because of the passing around we have no idea who originally contributed each of the bills.

Feeling better about my plan to explicitly ban that particular song. No way in hell.

southernbelle0915 · August 2015

It sounds like he basically told you he was into doing activity type things to keep things interesting. And you said your H dragged his feet on following up with him to be specific about what you were/weren't OK with.

The dollar dance is (sadly) common enough where your lack of saying you didn't want one and your shrug to his activities suggestion probably told him you didn't really care. And if you don't care why wouldn't a vendor try and make you some money?

Lesson learned: be clear about what you want. And make a do not play list (blurred lines was on mine).

primafaba15 · August 2015

southernbelle0915 said:

It sounds like he basically told you he was into doing activity type things to keep things interesting. And you said your H dragged his feet on following up with him to be specific about what you were/weren't OK with. The dollar dance is (sadly) common enough where your lack of saying you didn't want one and your shrug to his activities suggestion probably told him you didn't really care. And if you don't care why wouldn't a vendor try and make you some money? Lesson learned: be clear about what you want. And make a do not play list (blurred lines was on mine).

Yeah, I realize in retrospect that I shouldn't have assumed a DJ would have the same view of etiquette as The Knot. H dragged his feet on like...everything. I didn't want to talk to the DJ without him because music was one of the things he actually cared about, but he went through a many-months-long "eff it" phase, unfortunately. In retrospect I think we had differing wedding visions and did not figure out how to address that constructively until later in the process. That's another story, but. Learning experience at least, I guess.

We definitely had a do-not-play list but it wasn't detailed enough. In our initial conversation I distinctly recall the DJ expressing his disdain for playing a lot of the pop/rap/hip-hop stuff at weddings (he seemed opposed to that genre in general regardless of specific content, A LOT more so than we were! ), and we did explain the nature of our concerns in detail, so we foolishly did not think it was necessary to give an exact list of objectionable songs (which would be impossibly long anyway based on what we were aiming for, and I'll admit to not being super familiar with current music). The specific songs we listed were songs that we have personal objections too (i.e. strong association with an ex) and then we referenced our conversation about family-friendly music.

But yeah, definitely made a mistake here, so at this point I'm just providing details trying to help lurkers! One of our friends is getting married in November and working with a DJ that will let them set an exact song-list in advance. I know a few friends who would have pouted about us doing that, but that may very well be the safer way to go if you have ANY concerns like we did. I mean, it worked out fine, but since this was pretty much my last chance to convince various relatives that my new husband and I are decent and respectable people, that part didn't go so well :-).

Dollar dance without my consent...now what??

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