Just got engaged, Mom is already being controlling

Re: Just got engaged, Mom is already being controlling

• IrishPirate60 member

  

  August 2015

  Tell her that you are just getting used to being engaged and you want to enjoy it. Then tell her there will be no wedding talk for three months (or however long you decide). Anytime she brings up the wedding, just put your hand up and say you're in the No Wedding Zone.

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• CMGragain member

  

  August 2015

  Are you planning on accepting any money from your mother towards your wedding?  Don't.  If she pays, then she gets a say. 
  Plan the wedding that you can afford by yourselves.  Then you will be able to plan things your way, without compromising.
  About the cake - I'm guessing that most brides don't even remember how the cake tasted.  I  don't.  I know my daughter doesn't remember hers, either.  DH doesn't remember anything except what  it cost.  Are you sure that this is a hill you want to die on?  Maybe you could ask Mom to find a different recipe with more flavor, less sugar? 
  I do understand, though.  I am a retired church organist.  My daughter heard me play at many weddings, and she wanted something different for hers.  I had no problem with hiring a harpist.
  Relax, and tell Mom you aren't making firm plans, yet.
  

  

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• AddieCake member

  

  August 2015

  Who is paying for the wedding? If she isn't, and if you are set on not having her make the cake, tell her you will be choosing another baker and that the subject is closed. Repeat as necessary.

  What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14

  

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  August 2015

  What about a compromise and she makes a cake for the shower? And once you do start planning, figure out things that you might be able to include your mom in. One thing you can do is make a day out of going dress shopping for her. Another idea for example is say you get torn between 2-3 different invitations, ask her for her opinion on which of the final 2-3 she likes. By giving her your final selections, whichever one she votes for, is one that you like. Another little idea is when it comes to flowers, let her choose the type of flower she wants like picking from a pin corasage or a wrist one or maybe even a mini bouquet. Does she have any pieces of jewelry that you might like to wear on your wedding day (or even pin to your bouquet or the inside of your dress) as your something old. Hopefully little things like this will help her to feel included but not have control of your wedding.

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  August 2015

  You need to pay for this for yourself if you don't want her input. No one else gets to spend your money for you.
  
  And tell mom that you don't need her services as a baker, but you do want her to be there on a very important day in your life, because SHE'S YOUR MOTHER and no one else is "qualified" to provide that "service."

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• MCmeow member

  

  August 2015 edited August 2015

  We haven't thought about the money just yet but I know for sure she doesn't plan to contribute money. My parents aren't really in a position to give and I can't ask them to so I'm sure me and my fiance will be paying for everything unless we get anything from extended family *crosses fingers*. Thanks for the responses!
  To be clear I do care about outside opinions and ideas including hers but we don't want to be threatened to do something a certain way haha.

  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  August 2015

  If your mother isn't paying, she doesn't get a say.
  
  But the best way to limit drama is simply to set and enforce boundaries with people who try to start it and call their bluffs.
  
  If your mother gets pissy because you don't want her to bake your cake, tell her, "Well, Mom, if you're going to take yourself out of the wedding over the cake, that's your decision, not ours. I didn't ask you to do that, but you're right that I have no use for unnecessary drama and pouting, and that's what I think you're doing right now with this 'I have no use for you' line. I do expect everyone involved in my wedding to act with grace, maturity, and respect, and since you're not doing that, I have no use for you in my wedding. If you change your mind about that, I'm happy to include you, but this is otherwise a closed subject."

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• OliveOilsMom member

  

  August 2015

  Maggymeow said:

  We haven't thought about the money just yet but I know for sure she doesn't plan to contribute money. My parents aren't really in a position to give and I can't ask them to so I'm sure me and my fiance will be paying for everything unless we get anything from extended family *crosses fingers*. Thanks for the responses! To be clear I do care about outside opinions and ideas including hers but we don't want to be threatened to do something a certain way haha.

  It is rude to ask for money, so you are right in not asking.  If at any point someone offers you money for your wedding, then you can discuss with that person what they would like their contribute to go towards: reception venue, flowers, etc.

  If there is something that you don't overall care about, like flowers, then ask opinions of your mom on those.  If there is something you are very set on, like the wedding cake, then don't discuss that with your mom.

  Also, maybe think of a compromise for your mom.  She could bake a cake for the RD or maybe she can do the wedding cake, but you have a different baker do a groom's cake.
  

  

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• OfftheMap27 member

  

  August 2015 edited August 2015

  Personally, the cake is really one thing I cared about the least. One of my bridesmaids is a baker by profession and offered to make the cutting cake and cupcakes. I kindly accepted and relinquished most control to her. IMO let your mom bake it, and maybe compromise by printing out 3-4 cakes you really like to give to her for inspiration. You may or may not have even gotten to the point of considering this, but unless you really care about the cake, it saves A LOT of money to have someone do if for you as a gift. This to me, is an easy one to just let her have.

  
  

  That being said, if you are absolutely 110% committed to her not making the cake, I would simply say "Mom, I really appreciate your offer, but I would prefer to have you by my side to help me the day of the wedding and I feel like if you are occupied with making the cake before hand, and the set up, it might take away from our time together"

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• SP29 member

  

  August 2015

  If your mom is not contributing, stop discussing the wedding with her.
  
  I agree with a PP who said to tell her, "We just got engaged and are not even thinking about the wedding yet, so FI and I will worry about that later..." (change subject).
  
  If she should keep pushing, I would be firm and tell her, "Mom, it is more important to me to have you there on my wedding day as my mother, so we are going to ask someone else to make the cake".
  
  Lots of other good suggestions. The best way to keep control yourself is to keep wedding talk to a minimum. However I know most moms (and dads, and others) liked to be involved. Good suggestion to let her have some control over the things you don't really care about if that's something that would keep the waters calm.
  

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• kimmiinthemitten member

  

  August 2015

  Maggymeow said:

  Hi everyone! New here. Only been engaged for 16 days. Me and my fiance are waiting to talk about the wedding until we move in together but my mom is already giving her ideas on what I should be doing. She's a baker and living my entire life surrounded by her cakes made me really dislike them, she knows this and understands. I also feel like her decorating is a bit tacky and have some idea of what I want the cake to look like. Don't get me wrong, I know she is very talented and has great baking skills, but she also makes her cakes very sweet (we're Dominican) and my fiance doesn't like sweets too much, I'd like the cake to be something he'd like too.

  
  

  I haven't planned yet but I know I don't want her to be the baker. I want her to relax and be one of the people being entertained, she gets very stressed when she bakes. She's insisting to be the baker and when I said no she said she's not going to the wedding because "I have no use for her". She's very dramatic so I know she is only bluffing. 

  
  

  I understand why she wants to take control, she didn't have much of a wedding and she is divorced, I get that she is envisioning her dream wedding through me. 

  
  

  Anyway I just need advice on how to deal with a dramatic controlling mom when I just want this to be planned by me and my fiance (without the added stress). And if anyone else has gone through a similar situation.

  Bolded, that's exactly what you say, and then bean dip (change the conversation).  Every single time.

  
  

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• MandyMost member

  

  August 2015

  We all have to make compromises when a person we love and want in our lives is being unreasonable. I think it's fine to tell her that there will be no cake at your wedding, and therefore don't need her to bake a cake. (Have other desserts, but no cake). But personally, based on her reactions so far, I don't think you should refuse her cake and go buy another cake. Even if logically she should understand and she's being unreasonable, why would you want to hurt her that way over such a minor point?

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• Jen4948 member

  

  August 2015 edited August 2015

  MandyMost said:

  We all have to make compromises when a person we love and want in our lives is being unreasonable. I think it's fine to tell her that there will be no cake at your wedding, and therefore don't need her to bake a cake. (Have other desserts, but no cake). But personally, based on her reactions so far, I don't think you should refuse her cake and go buy another cake. Even if logically she should understand and she's being unreasonable, why would you want to hurt her that way over such a minor point?

  I disagree.  Her mother is not entitled to expect there to be either her cake or no cake.  That's not her decision and not a mature way of handling it.  And she'll pull the exact same crap whenever she wants something that the OP and her FI don't-her way or not at all.  Where does it stop?  When?  After their great-grandchildren are born?

  Sorry, but "compromising" with people like the OP's mother just lets them think they can win every time they threaten to walk out so they always get what they want.  Also, "compromising" means a two-way street of concessions-what is the OP's mother supposed to concede besides not walk out and not misbehave, which she's supposed to do anyway?  And what if the mother refuses to compromise and insists that even if there's no cake "the OP has no use for her" and still refuses to come?

  OP: Call her bluff.
  

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• littlepep member

  

  August 2015

  Do you even want a cake? We had cakes but we also had macaroons. If you two are huge cake people, maybe you go with a different dessert option and that eliminates the issues entirely. 

  
  

  Otherwise I would tell her that you want her to be able to relax and spend time with you the day of and days leading up to the wedding. Baking a cake, especially a wedding cake, is a stressful, time-consuming process. It's more important for her to enjoy the day with you.

  

  
  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  August 2015 edited August 2015

  littlepep said:

  Do you even want a cake? We had cakes but we also had macaroons. If you two are huge cake people, maybe you go with a different dessert option and that eliminates the issues entirely. 

  
  

  Otherwise I would tell her that you want her to be able to relax and spend time with you the day of and days leading up to the wedding. Baking a cake, especially a wedding cake, is a stressful, time-consuming process. It's more important for her to enjoy the day with you.

  I don't think not having cake will "eliminate the issues entirely," because what if the mother says her coming is dependent on her baking the cake and even if there isn't a cake she still won't come "because the OP has no use for her" ? Not to mention, the cake is probably not the only issue that could arise should it turn out that the OP and her FI's ideas about their wedding differ from her mother's. It's not appropriate to expect them to give in completely to her mother because she keeps creating drama about being "of no use" to the OP when she is told that she isn't going to get her way.

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  August 2015

  Mom, I'm throwing a party.  Thank you but I don't need help in throwing a party.  I may have cake.  I may not have cake.  I haven't decided yet because I'm not yet ready to start planning this party.  When I have this party, I want you to come and have a great time with zero stress.  It's a PARTY!  You should enjoy yourself!  Please stop discussing the cake.  If I need your help with something, I'll let you know.  Until then, this is a stress-free party-planning zone.

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• MCmeow member

  

  August 2015 edited August 2015

  Jen4948 said:

  MandyMost said:

  We all have to make compromises when a person we love and want in our lives is being unreasonable. I think it's fine to tell her that there will be no cake at your wedding, and therefore don't need her to bake a cake. (Have other desserts, but no cake). But personally, based on her reactions so far, I don't think you should refuse her cake and go buy another cake. Even if logically she should understand and she's being unreasonable, why would you want to hurt her that way over such a minor point?

  I disagree.  Her mother is not entitled to expect there to be either her cake or no cake.  That's not her decision and not a mature way of handling it.  And she'll pull the exact same crap whenever she wants something that the OP and her FI don't-her way or not at all.  Where does it stop?  When?  After their great-grandchildren are born?

  Sorry, but "compromising" with people like the OP's mother just lets them think they can win every time they threaten to walk out so they always get what they want.  Also, "compromising" means a two-way street of concessions-what is the OP's mother supposed to concede besides not walk out and not misbehave, which she's supposed to do anyway?  And what if the mother refuses to compromise and insists that even if there's no cake "the OP has no use for her" and still refuses to come?

  OP: Call her bluff.
  

  I would loove a cake at my wedding, and a catering company I looked up already has pretty cakes included with awesome options and very nice designs. We're still in pre-planning mode but I've been researching for fun.

  
  

  But I guess I'm in my dream wedding state where I envision everything being the exact way I want, haha (realistically I know that won't happen). But yeah great suggestions, I'll give her something to do I don't care too much about, my mom is the type that won't stop at just cake so I think I'll have to take charge in what she can help with or not, or else the wedding will end up belonging to her. I was hoping I wasn't wrong in refusing her cake. I honestly don't want to make her stressed with that kind of work, cause when she's stressed everyone gets stressed. I just want her happy and relaxed at my wedding. I'll use suggestions from here the next time she mentions it.
  

  

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• SP29 member

  

  August 2015

  adk19 said:

  If I need your help with something, I'll let you know.  Until then, this is a stress-free party-planning zone.

  This. 

  
  

  I would continue to repeat, "We haven't even thought about that yet, so I don't know" or, "If I need your help, I'll let you know".

  
  

  I agree it sounds like your mother may not stop at the cake, so I wouldn't give in now. 

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