Attendant?

pennydl · August 2015

A friend of mine is doing the alterations on my dress. All she asked was that she be an attendant. I know there's been some discussions about having an attendant and most opinions are against it. Which I agree with. Does anyone have an opinion on a nicer sounding title, or some other way I can acknowledge her in our program?

STARMOON44 · August 2015

Bridesmaid.

MyNameIsNot · August 2015

Attendant is often used as a gender neutral term for bridesmaid/groomsman. I'm going to assume that's what she's asking based on the language you've used.

Still, no one gets to dictate a place in your wedding. If she's not close enough to be a bridesmaid, decline her offer and hire a seamstress.

AddieCake · August 2015

Yeah, bridesmaid.

charcoalandblush · August 2015

"Attendant" is used in a couple of different ways. Many people use it as a catchall for the bridal party (i.e., all of the bridesmaids, groomsmen, MOHs and Best Men are the "attendants").

To others, including in my circle, it's a "personal attendant," which I like to call the "wedding bitch" or "bridal bitch." It's someone who runs errands for the bride, basically waits at her beck and call, gets her coffee and food, helps her get dressed, carries her stuff around all day, solves any wedding emergencies that come up, etc. It's basically an unpaid day-of coordinator. Please do not do this to your friend. It is rude, insulting, and being a personal attendant SUCKS.

I think it's weird that your friend would ask you to be a bridesmaid or personal attendant in exchange for doing your dress alterations, but if she really is one of your dearest friends, you should make her a bridesmaid. Not because she's doing your alterations, but because she's one of your closest friends.

Maggie0829 · August 2015

So this person is asking to be in your wedding? That is odd.

Do you want this person to be in your wedding? Are you paying her for the alterations? I don't think you should include her in your wedding just because she is doing your alterations and is asking to be included. But if she is one of your dearest friends who is just so happening to be doing your alterations, then you should ask her to be a bridesmaid.

And if you are using the term "attendant" as like a personal assistant to the bride. Don't do this to your friend. You don't need someone on stand by to get you a glass of water or help you pee.

AddieCake · August 2015

It is rather odd that she is asking to be in your wedding as "payment" for her services.

Jen4948 · August 2015

Take the alterations out of it and determine if she's really close to you. If she is, make her a bridesmaid. If not, pay her for her services, send her a really nice thank-you note, and if she did a good job on your dress, give her a really great testimonial that she can use in her marketing and post on social media.

MobKaz · August 2015

pennydl said:

A friend of mine is doing the alterations on my dress. All she asked was that she be an attendant. I know there's been some discussions about having an attendant and most opinions are against it. Which I agree with. Does anyone have an opinion on a nicer sounding title, or some other way I can acknowledge her in our program?

Did this friend volunteer to alter your dress, or did you ask her? If she volunteered to alter your dress with being a bridesmaid as her form of payment, you merely decline her offer. Tell her your bridal party is set and that you would be happy to compensate her monetarily for her service.

If you asked her, that is unfortunate. Asking friends to perform vendor functions complicates everything. You may have left yourself no option but to include her in your wedding party as a BM, since an attendant is simply wrong as a role. ***LURKERS***This is why it is ALWAYS recommended that you keep friends and vendors separate when it comes to wedding planning.

pennydl · August 2015

Thank you all for the opinions. Now I'm really stuck on what to do. It's to late to ask her to be a BM. Wedding is 7 weeks away, BM dresses have already been bought, they had to be ordered. She offered to do the alterations. At my first fitting with her, we, my mom and I, asked for an estimate of her fee. She said this was her gift to me. When she asked about being an attendant, she laughed, so I'm not sure if she was serious or joking. I do plan on buying her a thank you gift. But I'd also like to acknowledge her in some way, I was thinking in our program. I was planning on acknowledging her in the special thanks of our program?

OfftheMap27 · August 2015

This is a pretty odd scenario, and all else aside-

Is she in alterations professionally? Does she specialize in wedding dresses?

If the answer to either of these questions is no, run, don't walk. Altering a wedding dress is no joke, and a very specialized skill. Especially if there's already weirdness about her asking to be in the wedding party for her services.

Maggie0829 · August 2015

pennydl said:

Thank you all for the opinions. Now I'm really stuck on what to do. It's to late to ask her to be a BM. Wedding is 7 weeks away, BM dresses have already been bought, they had to be ordered. She offered to do the alterations. At my first fitting with her, we, my mom and I, asked for an estimate of her fee. She said this was her gift to me. When she asked about being an attendant, she laughed, so I'm not sure if she was serious or joking. I do plan on buying her a thank you gift. But I'd also like to acknowledge her in some way, I was thinking in our program. I was planning on acknowledging her in the special thanks of our program?

Don't acknowledge her in your program. No one cares who did the alterations to the dresses. Just get her a very nice gift and write her a nice card. And if you want, you can invite her to get ready with all of you the day of, but that is something you do only if you really want to. Other then that don't mention the attendant thing again. And if she does bring it up tell her that you don't want her to be your attendant but to just have a great time at the wedding.

Jen4948 · August 2015

I wouldn't acknowledge her in your program because that could come off as a commercial endorsement.

If it's too late to ask her to be a bridesmaid, I'd just let it go. If she brings it up, I'd respond, "Unfortunately, as it's too late to ask you to be a bridesmaid, and I really don't need an 'attendant,' I'd rather you just enjoy yourself as a guest. We're really honored to have you with us."

AddieCake · August 2015

There is no reason to acknowledge her in the program. Just give her a gift card and thank her and call it a day.

SP29 · August 2015

Do not ask her to be a bridesmaid, that ship has sailed. Although no one has the right to ask to be in your WP. You choose your nearest and dearest. Hopefully it was just a joke.

If she offered her services when you asked about payment, she offered her services. I would still send her a card and nice gift.

Do not acknowledge her in the program- there is no reason for it. The program is to give details about the ceremony.

If she brings it up again (hopefully she doesn't), you can let her know "We've already established our wedding party. I hope you will enjoy the wedding as a guest!". If she brings it up regarding payment, I would tell her you would be happy to pay for her services.

mollybarker11 · August 2015

pennydl said:

Thank you all for the opinions. Now I'm really stuck on what to do. It's to late to ask her to be a BM. Wedding is 7 weeks away, BM dresses have already been bought, they had to be ordered. She offered to do the alterations. At my first fitting with her, we, my mom and I, asked for an estimate of her fee. She said this was her gift to me. When she asked about being an attendant, she laughed, so I'm not sure if she was serious or joking. I do plan on buying her a thank you gift. But I'd also like to acknowledge her in some way, I was thinking in our program. I was planning on acknowledging her in the special thanks of our program?

I'm guessing she was just being a bit snarky about not being asked to be a bridesmaid to begin with. I'd forget about it.

Also who all is in your Special Thanks section? Listing your seamstress in your program seems really strange to me. Like pp said it would look like an advertisement or sponsorship. Show her your gratitude with a gift card. Tell people who did your alterations if asked(?) but that's as far as I'd go.

pennydl · August 2015

Thank you all again for the advice. I think I will just leave it for now and not bring it up. In regards to mentioning her in our special thanks of our program, I wasn't going to say where she worked, I was just going to list her name. And yes, I was also planning on buying her a thank you gift.

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