Should I offer to buy this person a hotel room?

Re: Should I offer to buy this person a hotel room?

• ShesSoCold mod

  

  August 2015 edited August 2015

  Could she stay at your house? ETA: I'm assuming here that you were staying at your own house, which you didn't specify. Of course, you're not required to provide any accommodations for her but it sounds like you want to. If I were you, and if my FI and I were staying in a hotel, I would probably buy her one.

  
  

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• madamerwin member

  

  August 2015

  How long until your wedding? Generally, it's not your responsibility to cover accommodations and transportation for your bridal party, though it's awesome if you are able to. If you wedding is still a good ways out, then I would just tell her that you changed your mind and want to stay with your FI. If you want to (and can afford to) pay for her room, maybe you just give her the room you planned to stay in, and you and FI find another hotel? Or pay for her room elsewhere and she can pay for her own transportation. I assume this is an adult, so she should be able to figure it out on her own.

  
  

  Unrelated: If this usher is being included in all of the bridesmaid activities, why isn't she just a bridesmaid? I don't really understand the whole usher thing in general...

  

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• snowywinter member

  

  August 2015

  How long before your wedding? If it's coming up, then I do feel like you should help her out since you changed plans on her and now all the hotel rooms are booked where you are. What if you guys were going to all share a room. Where would you stay? In the room you're not inviting your Fi to share?
  

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• lc07 member

  

  August 2015

  Knottie91800232 said:

  Long story - We have two ushers - a guy and a girl. Both are friends of mine. I've been including the girl usher in all the things the bridesmaids are doing as well, basically the only difference is, she is wearing whatever dress she wants at the wedding.

  
  

  We're getting married in about 3 weeks or so. Months ago, I sent an email asking all the bridesmaids and usher if anyone would want to share a big hotel room the night before the wedding, after the rehearsal dinner. Well, only the usher said yes (my other BMs have husbands and kids and they didn't want to spend two nights in a row away from home, I totally understand). But it took everyone awhile to decline. 

  
  

  So once the last BM declined this weekend, FI and I talked and decided if I'm not going to have a night with close friends, we would actually rather stay together the night before the wedding. 

  
  

   Well, since usher was planning to stay in the hotel with me the whole time, she wouldn't have anywhere to go. She doesn't have a car and she lives 45 minutes from the wedding area. She has a lot of debt, so she said she won't be able to afford another hotel room. I asked one of my BMs how she felt about letting the usher stay at her house, and she said it would be fine, but I could tell it was "it would be fine as a last resort" response. So there is that option, kind of.

  
  

  Bonus problem: Our hotel is sold out, so if I get her a hotel room elsewhere, I have to figure out how to get her to and from it since she has no car. It's suburbia.
  

  
  

  Should I still find her a hotel room since she was planning on a cheap/free ride in ours (I had told the girls contributions would be nice but unnecessary)? Or do I need to stop worrying about one person? I definitely feel terrible for inconveniencing her by changing our plans, but I feel like I'm worrying way too much about one grown adult. What do you all think?

  
  

  Yes, because you initially offered for her to stay with you and she accepted that you need to find her a place to stay if you are canceling that arrangement. Especially because now the rooms are sold out.

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• Knottie91800232 member

  

  August 2015

  FI and I are staying in the hotel room. Our house is also 45 minutes away, so I can't offer it either. I like the idea of getting her a room and letting her figure out a cab between hotels. That seems reasonable. 

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• snowywinter member

  

  August 2015

  If you had never made the offer, what would she have done?
  

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• Liatris2010 mod

  

  August 2015

  Why does she need a hotel at all? She only live 45 minutes away.

  

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• STARMOON44 member

  

  August 2015

  You offered, she accepted, relied on it in making her plans, and now you're up and changing your mind because you feel like it. Where was FI going to be staying that night? Why can't you go stay there with him and let her kept the room? If not I think you need to book another one for her. Changing your mind and costing her more money and/or time than she budgeted less than a month out isn't cool. It's also not particularly nice to decide if she's the only friend to want to stay with you that's not good enough and you'd rather not bother.

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• MobKaz member

  

  August 2015

  STARMOON44 said:

  You offered, she accepted, relied on it in making her plans, and now you're up and changing your mind because you feel like it. Where was FI going to be staying that night? Why can't you go stay there with him and let her kept the room? If not I think you need to book another one for her. Changing your mind and costing her more money and/or time than she budgeted less than a month out isn't cool. It's also not particularly nice to decide if she's the only friend to want to stay with you that's not good enough and you'd rather not bother.

  This is my issue as well.  She seems good enough to participate in all BM related things, but isn't a BM.  I have to wonder if an "official" BM still required a room, whether OP would have a different opinion, and would have kept the original plan.
  

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• photokitty mod

  

  August 2015

  MobKaz said:

  
  

  STARMOON44 said:

  
  

  You offered, she accepted, relied on it in making her plans, and now you're up and changing your mind because you feel like it. Where was FI going to be staying that night? Why can't you go stay there with him and let her kept the room? If not I think you need to book another one for her. Changing your mind and costing her more money and/or time than she budgeted less than a month out isn't cool. It's also not particularly nice to decide if she's the only friend to want to stay with you that's not good enough and you'd rather not bother.

  
  

  This is my issue as well.  She seems good enough to participate in all BM related things, but isn't a BM.  I have to wonder if an "official" BM still required a room, whether OP would have a different opinion, and would have kept the original plan.
  
  
  I agree. You offered, she accepted. I think you should stay with her, as planned, or give her the room, and you still pay for it, and stay at home with your FI.

  ~xoxo~

  
  

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  August 2015

  I agree with other PP and it's kind of mean actually... You say you've included her like a BM and yet she's not and when she accepted but your other BM's did not you now want to bail on her?  I think she's getting the short end of the stick here.  You offered, you already made the plans if I were her and all of a sudden you were like oh wait NM I'd wonder why I wasn't good enough.

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• kvruns member

  

  August 2015

  I think since it is just a few weeks out and she was planning on staying there you shouldn't change the plan. Maybe you can downgrade the room from a big suite to a regular room but I think you and she should still stay in it and FI can do whatever he was originally planning to do.  I'd be hurt if I knew the hotel room plans were cancelled because I was the only one who wanted to stay and that made you then decide you wanted to be with your FI instead.

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• TheCheeseWench member

  

  August 2015

  photokitty said:

  STARMOON44 said:

  You offered, she accepted, relied on it in making her plans, and now you're up and changing your mind because you feel like it. Where was FI going to be staying that night? Why can't you go stay there with him and let her kept the room? If not I think you need to book another one for her. Changing your mind and costing her more money and/or time than she budgeted less than a month out isn't cool. It's also not particularly nice to decide if she's the only friend to want to stay with you that's not good enough and you'd rather not bother.

  This is my issue as well.  She seems good enough to participate in all BM related things, but isn't a BM.  I have to wonder if an "official" BM still required a room, whether OP would have a different opinion, and would have kept the original plan.
  

  I agree. You offered, she accepted. I think you should stay with her, as planned, or give her the room, and you still pay for it, and stay at home with your FI.

  ^^^This. This is very rude. Your FI needs to stay wherever it was that he was planning to stay when you were going to have a girls night. He can bunk with a friend or groomsman if needed. You need to honor your offer to stay with her. Invite some other non BP girlfriends if it will make it more fun. You have the rest of your life to spend the night with FI. Should you choose to stay with FI, the two of you need to go to another hotel and let her have the original room so she doesn't feel quite as ditched and sent away (she will anyway since you are basically saying she isn't good enough to hang with unless there are others there). It is absolutely NOT okay to pawn her off on a bridesmaid either. The point of having bridesmaids is to honor them, not to inconvenience them by using their homes as a hostel.
  

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• lembaslover member

  

  August 2015

  PP are right, you already offered her this so you need to go through with it. I'd say at the very least you are expected to pay for her hotel room. However I'd consider still spending the night with her. I'd find it odd if you had offered to have a fun night with me and then said actually I'll be staying with FI and here's a room for you alone... 

  
  

  I too want to know why this person is an usher and not a Bridesmaid?

  

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  August 2015

  I think you should pay for her hotel room. I do think it seems kind of hurtful that you no longer want to stay with her because she is the only member of your group that will be there, but if I were her, I would also understand that you'd rather be with your FI. Obviously I can't speak for her feelings. Definitely pay for the hotel room though, and let her figure out transportation. Are there taxis? Uber? Public transportation?

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• SP29 member

  

  August 2015

  I think that because you offered her a spot in the hotel room (which you also offered to cover the cost of- might be different if she were already paying), and then cancelled the plans at a point when the rest of the rooms are booked, that you should honour your offer and pay for her hotel room.
  

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• JellyBean52513 member

  

  August 2015

  The more responses I read, the more I realize how terrible this is to do the usher.
  
  I agree, you need to honor your original plans and stay with her. To change plans on her now will be SO selfish and hurtful. You care about her enough to include her in your wedding (although I'm also confused as to why she's not a BM while she is doing all BM things), you should care about her enough to want to spend time with just her if others aren't interested.
  
  I also have to point out the fact that she's the only one who wanted to stay with you that night, and yet you want to bail on her. As they say: I can't.

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• Knottie1440387140 member

  

  August 2015

  So, she's not close enough to be a bridesmaid and you aren't comfortable enough to have her stay at your house.  So she's a token relative included due to family pressure?  I'm sure that she relishes being the only person that wants to spend time with you the night before.  Or she also agreed due to family pressure?  It happens, a lot!

  I hope her feelings for you are the same as yours are for her.  

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• PrettyGirlLost member

  

  August 2015

  I'm with PPs- You need to follow through with your plans and stay in the hotel with your usher.  You're FI can manage w/o you for a single evening.
  
  Lurkers- having an adult slumber party and "Squee-fest" the night before your wedding day *might* seem like a cute and fun idea in theory, but logistically it's not a great idea and will likely be a pain in the ass.
  

  
  "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
  
  

  
  

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