We are getting married on October 17th of this year. My partner and I are both women, so there aren't too many wedding traditions that we are stringently abiding by. My partner and I each asked five attendants to stand with us at our wedding in October. They all agreed. I asked my ladies this past fall about two or three months after we got engaged. Just after the first of the year, I told them what color/length dress and type of shoes to wear, but I did not pick a specific one- I wanted them to choose what would be in their budget, and flattering on their respective figures. No one had any objections to this at the time. I created a private facebook group for the girls to discuss some of the details. Several of them shared pictures of the dresses they chose. Now, I am having some trouble with one of my friends, who I will call "E." I have been checking in with them as we go to talk to them about their dresses (some of us live far apart). E is the only one who has not gone to choose and order her dress. I have asked her to go several times when I went with other girls, or offered to go with her one on one. For weeks, she kept telling me that she would go when she next got paid, and that she did not need me to go. I have not talked to her about it directly for almost a month- I know she hasn't forgotten because I can see that she has read the other posts and comments on the page, and even commented on a few. At the beginning of the week I asked her if she would like to go look at dresses on Friday. She told me she was unavailable. I asked if she had gone yet, and she said no. I asked instead if she had time to go next week, and that some dresses were taking up to six weeks to get in. It is now only eight weeks to the wedding. She became very short-tempered and told me that I should have given her a budget and a timeline. I found that odd considering I had told them eight months ago what the price range was for dresses (and have discussed it several times since), and when they needed them by. She indicated that the money might be a problem.
I have been trying to call her, but she will not answer the phone. At the risk of being rude, I tried to drop by her apartment for a one-on- one talk, but she wasn't at home. I didn't know what to do so I texted her and asked her if she still wanted to be in the wedding party. I told her that I want her up there with me (and I still do), but that I understand if she isn't financially able. I told her I wasn't offended if that was the case, that I understand that she is doing me a favor by being a part of it. I tried to work it in a way that sounded non-aggressive, but I also wanted her to know that I care about her, and want her to be a part of it if she can. She immediately sent me back a hateful response, saying she "does not have time to talk/text this out right now. I will text you tomorrow." Four days later, I still had not heard from her. I wanted to give her a few days, so I left her alone. Yesterday I went with a different bridesmaid, the last other than E, to pick out her dress and was told that some of the dresses would not be in until October 7th, depending on size and style. Again, our wedding is October 17th. I texted her again and simply asked if she had time to talk. She never answered. Today, a mutual friend of mine and E's told me that E has another friend getting married that weekend out of state, and that she said she would rather be at that wedding, but that since I had asked her to actually be IN mine, she felt obligated to go to mine. I hate that she only agreed because she felt she had to. If that is true, she would be spending more to travel out of state than she would on the dress, so that makes me question whether the cost is truly the problem, as she's led me to believe.
My feelings are incredibly hurt by her behavior. I have tried to be as informative and accomodating as I can, but I feel like she is being selfish at this point. I do not want to dis-invite her, but I don't know what to do. I am concerned that she will not order her dress in time, which I suppose would be her passive-aggressive way of saying she does not want to be in it. I don't know whether I should offer to help her pay for it, or what, since I do not know for a fact whether that is the problem. I have not paid for anyone else's, except the flower girls. Honestly, I do not have the extra money. My fiancee and I are paying for most of the wedding ourselves- our parents offered to pay for the honeymoon in exchange for a smaller, simpler wedding. The only cost to her other than her dress and shoes would be the cost of gas to get her there and back (it is about 90 minutes from home). My MOH assured me that the cost of the dress/shoes is not unreasonable,
and that everyone who agrees to be in a wedding in general understands
that they will have to spend that money. I've already arranged for her hotel room, as well as for someone else to do our hair and nails. I feel a little bit like she is holding me hostage. There are certain details of the planning that cannot move ahead without her- I need to know what she decides, if for no other reason than I will need to give her hotel room back. Obviously I would prefer an even number on both halves of the party, but I know it's not the end of the world if that can't happen. I am more concerned at this point about keeping the friendship together, even though I have been forced to take a good hard look at it. There is only about a ten day window from today in which she can still order a dress and have it be here in time. Other than offering to help E pay for it, the only other option I see is to wait until that window expires...but then, do what? What do I say to her once I know she has run out of time to get a dress by the wedding? She has stopped talking to me, more or less. Since she did not take the 'out' when I offered it, so to speak, I assumed she still wanted to be a part of it. But now that I know she would rather be somewhere else, I am not sure what her motives are. I am very non-confrontational and I do not want to argue with her about it. At this point, I just need to know where we stand. I have my doubts that she will come through for me. She can be very abrasive, and I know that no matter what happens, I will end up being the 'bad guy.' I do not know what the appropriate response is here, or how to get
through without making it worse. I realize I have made this sound like
an ordeal, when really it's just a drop in the bucket, but she is
important to me and I don't want to offend her. In retrospect I see that
maybe she wasn't the best choice, but what's done is done. This is not
important enough to me to lose a friendship over. Do I plan on her being there, do I not plan on her being there...Do I offer to help her pay, or wait and see what happens? How do I discuss this with her? What do I say when the timeline expires? Am I being unreasonable by asking her about the dress? Does anyone have any suggestions about how to deal with something like this?