complicated situation re: verbal invitations

bride2b71614 · August 2015

Sooo I know if a person is in a relationship you invite their SO. Additionally a verbal invite is just as valid as a paper one.

Here is my issue. I verbally invited my friend of ten years and his gf of three months. I never met her up until two weeks ago during a dinner party that i hosted. My friend's SO has severe trust issues and during our initial meeting she was extremely drunk and stand offish. At the end of dinner she accused me of sleeping with my friend. I was shocked and my FI tried to come to my defense. She then threatened to beat me up and came lunging at me. My friend dragged her off and apologized profusely on her behalf a few days later.

As I'm addressing the invites now, I am unsure if I should invite the SO especially after the fact that she lunged at me. Etiquette-wise would it be wrong to exclude her from the invite, or should I follow etiquette and invite both as a unit because of the verbal invitation?

ShesSoCold · August 2015

I think most people here would say you're okay not to invite her, as she tried to physically attack you. But I personally would be the bigger person, invite her and hope your friend RSVPs for one or takes her home if she gets nutty.

STARMOON44 · August 2015

Etiquette wise I think you should invite her more because she is your friends SO than because you verbally invited her.

Reality wise I would invite neither. If you're dating someone who tried to assault me, you aren't my friend.

JediElizabeth · August 2015

Maybe have a conversation with the friend? If my best friend's SO did this, he would probably be the one insisting that she not come to the wedding even if invited, because he'd know for sure that he would be 100% responsible for her behavior the entire time.

Otherwise, I think it's ok to invite him and not her in this instance. It's technically against etiquette, yes, but the girl is frankly lucky that someone held her back, or you'd be within your rights to press assault charges on her. I'd take that as declining an invite, personally.

TheCheeseWench · August 2015

Why is he still dating this person? Honestly if it were me I would talk to the friend and tell him that while I want him there, I am NOT comfortable having someone who cannot be trusted to behave, especially if there will be alcohol at the wedding. She threatened you with violence. You are not obligated to invite someone who tried to physically attack you, regardless of who she's been dating for three whole months. After what happened I would hope he would understand and be cool with leaving her at home. Hopefully she'll be history by then, but I would not risk it.

Also, if this chick is batshit craycray, what happens if they break up? If she has been invited she may choose to show up just to mess with him, unless you go through the awkwardness of un-inviting her.

ChemFanatic25 · August 2015

I don't care what etiquette says. In this situation I would not invite her because she literally tried to attack you. That is not okay whatsoever. She should not get an invite. If your friend asks why she wasn't invited you can give him an upfront answer that his SO tried to attack you and refuse to be around that person on your wedding day. Personally I'd refuse to be around her whatsoever but that is just me.

randomslove · August 2015

I would say either invite them together or don't invite either. I think not inviting them because of a possible risk to your safety is fair enough.

AddieCake · August 2015

I wouldn't invite her. I would still invite him, though. If he RSVPs for both or asks about bringing her, I would tell him then that she is not welcome and why.

Liatris2010 · August 2015

AddieCake said:

I wouldn't invite her. I would still invite him, though. If he RSVPs for both or asks about bringing her, I would tell him then that she is not welcome and why.

____box?

This, but I would call and give your friend a head's up about why she is not invited. I know it is rude to point out who is not invited, but in this case, I think it is warranted.

"Normally, we'd welcome the person you are dating, but since she tried to attack me the last time we went out, I am not comfortable including her. I hope that you understand and can still come to the wedding."

bride2b71614 · August 2015

Thank you for the replies!

@AddieCake I like your suggestion. If he has a question about why she isn't invited he can call me.

I mean, why shouldnt my friend of ten years be invited to the wedding? He has no control over his SO's behavior he shouldn't be excluded because he's dating a bsc person. Uninviting him wouldn't sit right with me. I just wanted to make sure that the SO exclusion was okay given the circumstances.

ETA: a word

STARMOON44 · August 2015

bride2b71614 said:
Thank you for the replies!

@AddieCake I like your suggestion. If he has a question about why she isn't invited he can call me.

I mean, why shouldnt my friend of ten years be invited to the wedding? He has no control over his SO and he shouldn't be excluded because he's dating a bsc person. Uninviting him wouldn't sit right with me. I just wanted to make sure that the SO exclusion was okay given the circumstances.

Personally, I think he has all the control in the world. He can break up with her, because she tried to attack me. But I agree with everyone else, fine to invite him without her.

bride2b71614 · August 2015

@STARMOON44 I should've said that he has no control over his SO's behavior. I'll make the edit.

Jen4948 · August 2015

I think violence is an exception to the "always invite SOs together" rule.

Simply because someone is in a relationship with someone who is violent shouldn't prevent them being invited if their SO isn't. Some of them, however much they'd like to leave, can't "just break up" with their SO for various reasons.

SP29 · August 2015

Have you talked to your friend at all since the incident?

I'm kind of curious how he has dealt with it- like is it just OK that she's BSC and tried to attack his friend? Not that it is really any of my business, but if it were me it might change how I looked at the situation.

I might also talk to him before invitations go out about it. "Friend, you are important to me and I would love to have you present on my wedding day. I would usually invite whomever you are dating, but considering your gf's behaviour the last time we met, I do not feel comfortable inviting her to my wedding". Is he understanding, or will this cause a rift?

As for the etiquette- technically it is breaking etiquette, but anyone can choose to break etiquette for any reason as long as they are prepared to deal with the consequences. (But pretty sure everyone here would break etiquette in favour of not inviting someone who has personally attacked you).

bride2b71614 · August 2015

@SP29, I've spoken with him a few times after the interaction. He apologizes profusely on her behalf. Today he explained that she's been through a lot in the past year. Her dad died, her moms alcoholism got worse, etc. I feel badly, but lots of people go through hardships without threatening violence or attacking people. I asked if he was safe, he said that he was. He said that he's attempted to break up with her on a few different occasions. Each time she threatened suicide and he would back pedal. Its a horrible situation, and I wouldn't know what to do if I were in his shoes.

I'm hoping that she gets some help and that he has a come to Jesus moment. Either way? Hes getting invited without her.

LondonLisa · August 2015

bride2b71614 said:

@SP29, I've spoken with him a few times after the interaction. He apologizes profusely on her behalf. Today he explained that she's been through a lot in the past year. Her dad died, her moms alcoholism got worse, etc. I feel badly, but lots of people go through hardships without threatening violence or attacking people. I asked if he was safe, he said that he was. He said that he's attempted to break up with her on a few different occasions. Each time she threatened suicide and he would back pedal. Its a horrible situation, and I wouldn't know what to do if I were in his shoes. I'm hoping that she gets some help and that he has a come to Jesus moment. Either way? Hes getting invited without her.

You can't control your partner's behaviour, but you shouldn't be with someone that you would want to control their behaviour. I know a woman who I really liked who is in a LTR with a complete homophobe/bigot. She is always like "ugh, I wish he wouldn't say that" and I just have to say "well, he does, and you put up with it so shame on you".

I know plenty of people who had horrible childhoods and it doesn't make them physically attack someone else. Apologies should never come with an explanation. As soon as your friend started saying "I'm sorry but she had a rough childhood", I just think enabler. An 11 year old who hits bcause they are being abused? Yes, fair enough, that is a child who does not have the maturity to process what is happening.

Your childhood might have been great, or your childhood might have been horrible. But your childhood is over, and you are an adult now who has control over their life and how they would like to be.

I would not invite either of these people to your wedding. Your friend of 10+ years has serious judgement problems if he is still with someone who attacks others.

downtondiva · August 2015

I do not think you should ever feel obligated to invite anyone who makes you feel unsafe. Your friend's SO's problems would be an excuse to be aloof or in a bad mood; they are not an excuse to attack you and threaten you with violence. Your friend can apologize all he wants, but I don't think he can guarantee that she won't do the same thing to you or someone else at the wedding.

I agree with @SP29 that you may want to talk about this with your friend before the invitations go out. I don't think we can predict how he'll react, but if he argues with you, stand your ground. It would be unfortunate to have a rift in your friendship over this, but this is one of those situations where you need to look out for you.

LD1970 · August 2015

Threatening suicide is the ultimate manipulation and he needs to dump this bitch immediately. She's toxic and potentially dangerous - to others, not herself.

As to not knowing what you'd do? If a guy I was dating threatened me with suicide when I wanted to break up, I'd laugh in his face and tell him that was his choice. And walk away. No one's controlling me with bullshit threats. And if he made a show of attempting suicide, I wouldn't be drawn back into his life by it. I'd stay away and teach him that's not going to work.

As for the wedding, if he doesn't have enough spine to rid himself of her before your invitations go out, I'd invite neither of them. Not out of ire or retribution, and not because of etiquette. I'd invite neither because in simple, practical terms, you're looking for trouble. It'll cause a fight between the two of them that could incite her violent streak against him. It could cause her to come after you again. It could cause her to crash your wedding to jump one or both of you and make a scene... or worse, possibly cause injury. I know he's a longstanding friend, but I don't think it's worth it.

[Deleted User] · August 2015

My first relationship turned nasty in the end as he threatened suicide if I left -- it was horrible, and took another 6 months of my life. I left, he didn't kill himself. In the end, it isn't your friend's responsibility to make sure she doesn't hurt herself. All he can do is end the relationship, and if he fears for her safety then he can call the police and they can handle it -- that's part of their job. Unless he sees her in his future then I really think he should end it now, it's really not going to get better. Depending on how close you guys are, you could help him research some local crisis lines who may be able to help him through this process.

Jen4948 · August 2015

LD1970 said:

Threatening suicide is the ultimate manipulation and he needs to dump this bitch immediately. She's toxic and potentially dangerous - to others, not herself. As to not knowing what you'd do? If a guy I was dating threatened me with suicide when I wanted to break up, I'd laugh in his face and tell him that was his choice. And walk away. No one's controlling me with bullshit threats. And if he made a show of attempting suicide, I wouldn't be drawn back into his life by it. I'd stay away and teach him that's not going to work. As for the wedding, if he doesn't have enough spine to rid himself of her before your invitations go out, I'd invite neither of them. Not out of ire or retribution, and not because of etiquette. I'd invite neither because in simple, practical terms, you're looking for trouble. It'll cause a fight between the two of them that could incite her violent streak against him. It could cause her to come after you again. It could cause her to crash your wedding to jump one or both of you and make a scene... or worse, possibly cause injury. I know he's a longstanding friend, but I don't think it's worth it.

I disagree with the bolded.

First, the OP can have security to escort this bitch or anyone else away who requires it.

Second, because he's a longstanding friend, he deserves an invitation, whether she's invited or not.

Third, yes, the GF is being a bitch and poses a threat to the safety of others-that by itself is a reason not to invite her. But it is not a reason not to invite him. Not inviting him could in fact threaten his safety even more than inviting him without her because leaving him off the guest list might make him feel isolated and even more victimized. And she could still be violent to him regardless of whether or not he is invited, or even because he isn't invited. Who knows?

So I'd invite him and make sure there is security available to protect him and anyone else from his GF and anyone else who poses a threat to them.

kkitkat79 · August 2015

PPs have covered the invitation issue so I'll just add that if it is a close friend and you feel comfortable enough talking to him about it suggest to him this book. It's about emotional manipulation and it helped me a lot when I was in a similar situation.

julieanne912 · August 2015

FI has a cousin with a long term (like 10 years) GF who did actually physically attack me for no reason at all a couple years ago, while she was drunk out of her mind. We invited the cousin, as he and FI are close, but we did not invite her. I don't care what etiquette says, she's not invited, period.

He RSVP'd without her, so that's good. I haven't quite thought about what I'll do if she shows up, because she probably won't as they live out of state, but you might want to make arrangements with your venue for extra security if you really think she will.

bride2b71614 · August 2015

UPDATE: They broke up and he has a stay away order filed against her. He comes to the wedding and I'll never have to deal with her crazy ever again

TheCheeseWench · August 2015

bride2b71614 said:

UPDATE: They broke up and he has a stay away order filed against her. He comes to the wedding and I'll never have to deal with her crazy ever again

Exactly what needed to happen. I love it when the trash takes itself out!

complicated situation re: verbal invitations

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