How to cope....

[Deleted User] · August 2015

Hi y'all. H and I got married on Saturday, but then woke up Sunday morning to learn that my grandfather had passed away.

I am at a loss on how to cope. I'm 25, and this is the first time I've ever lost anyone. Ever. I have no idea what to do with myself. I have been in crying spells ever since.

It was an expected death, as he had been very sick for a long time, but it still really sucks. He meant so much to me. He and my grandmother were unable to make it to the wedding due to his illness and I was so looking forward to visiting them within the next couple of weeks to share pictures and stories.

He passed Friday afternoon and my grandmother waited to tell us until Sunday so that it would be after the wedding. It kills me to know that I was partying and having fun on Saturday and he was already gone.

I also feel bad for H. This is the time that we are supposed to be in newlywed bliss, but all I wanted to do was stay in the hotel room and cry. He has been so supportive, I just can't help but feel bad.

I am angry at the universe's timing. I don't know if that is selfish or not, but I am. There is never a good time for this, but to have the two events back-to-back has left me really confused emotionally. it feels so wrong to be happy right now.

Any ideas on how to cope? Death is a new experience to me and I feel lost trying to navigate it.

AprilH81 · August 2015

I'm so sorry for your loss. It is okay to stay in the hotel and cry if that is what you need. I'm sure your husband will understand.

TheCheeseWench · August 2015

That just plain SUCKS. Sadly I don't have any profound advice other than take the time you need and the happiness will still be there after. When is your honeymoon? Can you postpone if needed?

redheadbride15 · August 2015

I'm sorry for your loss. April is right though, you need to let yourself grieve. Do not feel bad if you need some time to sit in the hotel and cry. Yes, the timing sucks. Yes, this is not how you planned things. But in the long run it's important that you allow yourself to feel how you need to feel. You'll be married for the rest of your life - there will be lots time to make up for whatever moments you may have lost this week.

[Deleted User] · August 2015

TheCheeseWench said:

That just plain SUCKS. Sadly I don't have any profound advice other than take the time you need and the happiness will still be there after. When is your honeymoon? Can you postpone if needed?

We are taking a belated honeymoon next summer since he had to be back at base yesterday (military). We had a semi-DW, so we stayed there for 2 days before heading back to where I live - we are long-distance.

randomslove · August 2015

About seven years ago, my grandmother died. It was a few days before her birthday, and a week before the due date of my niece. It was very sad, but like your grandfather, she'd been sick for a very long time. My mother was up there with her (had been for a week or so-- her birthday was a few days before and she wanted to be there with her mom one last time). The whole family was very sad to lose her. Then something amazing happened-- my niece came early, on her birthday. Everyone was happier for it, because it showed that there was new life, still something to celebrate, and she was not forgotten (her middle name is my grandmother's name). While we all still miss my grandmother, we know we'll never forget her, and that she'd have been pretty happy with her great-granddaughter being born on her birthday.

That, I think, is the most important thing to remember. It's always hard losing someone you care about. It doesn't become easier with each new death. It can also take a long time for you to stop crying and be okay with being happy. That's all pretty normal. I found out someone I was stationed with and went to school with died and I was a mess sporadically for the next week, until I realized that feeling guilty or bad would not somehow lessen anyone's pain on losing her. But that's a realization I had to make for myself, and make with every new loss I encounter.

In other words, the way you are coping right now is perfectly normal. Your new husband has promised to love you through rough times and good times, and while it sucks that some bad times are here right now, you shouldn't feel bad that you're grieving. However, it's also okay to be a newlywed and in-love and happy about that. You can do both-- crying for the loss of someone you love and enjoying married life don't cancel each other out. So try to take it easy on yourself with any guilt over happiness.

After all, there's a reason why your grandmother waited to tell you. She wanted you to be happy and enjoy your wedding day. It's a happy thing, to marry someone you love. I'm sure your grandfather wanted the same. You said you were excited to visit them and share your memories of it. They were probably very happy for you,that you were starting on the path they've been on together.

Anyway, take some time to grieve. Like I said, it's normal to grieve and how you're grieving is all right. Not everyone experiences grief the same way or copes with it the same way. Let your husband do what he can to help you. And try not to feel too guilty about being happy. The people who love you don't want you to diminish your happiness.

Also, I'm sorry for your loss.

ShesSoCold · August 2015

I'm so sorry. I want you to know that your feeling are not wrong and they are not selfish. It's okay to feel that way and it's okay to want time to be a happy newlywed and time to grieve and for those to be separate. Please do not beat yourself up because of your feelings.

You H married you for a reason (well, many reasons, I'd assume). He married you because he loves you and he'll do anything for you. Unfortunately "for worse" is happening awfully soon, but that's okay. He's there to support you. Tell him what you need from him - whether it's to do laundry, give you a hug or leave you alone. He may not know how to cope either and he may not know what he can do to help you.

My wedding experience was *somewhat* similar and I don't think I got that happy movie "newlywed" year but that's okay. I have the rest of my life with my husband. I also have the rest of my life to grieve the loss of my mom. Take your time. Don't beat yourself up, for anything. Embrace the good days without feeling guilty that you're happy. Work through the bad days knowing you have the support of people who love you. I know this is all easier said than done but I really thing that owning your feelings and not feeling guilty for them will really really help.

Hugs.

Maggie0829 · August 2015

I am so sorry for your loss. Allow yourself to feel and grieve however is best for you at this time. Your husband will understand.

Yes, the timing sucks but there is nothing you can do about that. You can be happy that you are married and still sad because of the loss of your Grandfather. There is nothing wrong with feeling both things at the same time.

[Deleted User] · August 2015

Thank you all so much. I am so appreciative of such heartfelt responses. My family is also grieving and H is preparing to deploy with his ship (and not always able to communicate by phone during the day), so I needed someone else to talk to candidly about things. For a group of internet strangers, you all have said some things that are really helping. Thank you.

Edit: don't mean "for a group of internet strangers" to sound like a qualifier. I just mean that it's amazing how supportive a group of people who don't even know one another can be. JIC.

onefootinthebayou · August 2015

redheadbride15 said:

I'm sorry for your loss. April is right though, you need to let yourself grieve. Do not feel bad if you need some time to sit in the hotel and cry. Yes, the timing sucks. Yes, this is not how you planned things. But in the long run it's important that you allow yourself to feel how you need to feel. You'll be married for the rest of your life - there will be lots time to make up for whatever moments you may have lost this week.

QFT.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing a family member is always difficult and I understand you're feeling pulled in two directions between grieving the loss of your grandfather and the joy of marrying the person you love. It's OK to cry and it's OK to be happy. Don't put pressure on yourself about how you should feel. I hope that you can find some peace in the time you spend with your family during this sad time. Sending hugs.

huskypuppy14 · August 2015

I'm so sorry Jen. Your grandmother was very compassionate for waiting to tell you. I know you feel terrible, but knowing earlier wouldn't have changed anything, so why ruin your wedding.

My grandfather died when I was 25, and I was very very close to him. He died suddenly of a heart attack. I had seen him a week and a half before and he was fine.

What helped was spending time with my family, and remembering him and telling stories, etc. Is that something that is feasible for you? If your husband is being deployed, you shouldn't be alone during this time (unless you want to).

AddieCake · August 2015

I'm sorry for your loss.

loveislouder · August 2015

All I have are hugs for you.

justsie · August 2015

I agree with PPs OP, don't pressure yourself into feeling a certain way about this. You feel exactly as you feel and your feelings are valid. I remember I was in class when I found out my grandmother had passed, same as you she had been sick for a long time and I was more or less just waiting on the phonecall. Sitting in class I saw my mother call, leave me a text to call when I could and then my then BF call me. I just knew, waited until break to ask the prof if I could leave, and then called BF when I got out. For some reason I wanted to hear it from him first and I didn't cry at all until I got home, even after talking to my mom on the phone and hearing her cry. When I closed that door I let some of it out, but I still didn't cry fully until a few weeks later sitting in a Red Lobster. Then BF was with me at the time so I wasn't alone or with someone that wasn't aware of what happened. I felt a lot of pressure to feel less sad about this from my family, I heard a lot of "remember the happy moments" and that was fine, but I also missed her and needed to let myself grieve.

So I share all of that to say whatever your feeling let yourself feel it. If you are laughing because you remember something funny he did don't beat yourself up for laughing now that he is gone. The same for sadness, confusion, anger, etc.

WinstonsGirl · August 2015

I'm sorry to hear about this. Take all the time you need. Hugs to you

lyndausvi · August 2015

I'm sorry for your loss. Hugs.

Everyone grieves differently. In my family we celebrate life. We think of the good times with the deceased. We actually do a lot of laughing. It seems to help us grieve remember what amazing people they were.

When my grandmother was in the hospital she had 5 great-grandkids born in the same hospital. 4 of which my grandmother was able to see. It was so bittersweet to see one generation on their deathbed and another just entering the world. However, that is how life works.

It's okay to be sad. It's also okay to be happy. Take your time, but do not feel guilty for being either.

CMGragain · August 2015

I am so very sorry. Try to think of your Grandfather celebrating with you in heaven. I thought of my Dad that way.

MissKittyDanger · August 2015

I agree with all above. Personally, I would suggest counseling just to understand how you feel. Everyone passing - expected and unexpected - are never easy. I learned the hard way that it can build.

Sending hugs to you, your H and family

ILoveBeachMusic · August 2015

I am so sorry for your loss. I don't think I have any words to add to PPs. Let yourself grieve however you need to grieve.

princessleia22 · August 2015

So sorry for your loss. It's never easy to lose someone you love, especially when it's coupled with happy events and puts you on a major emotional roller coaster. I spent my 13th birthday at my grandfathers funeral and my 14th birthday at my grandmothers funeral. It's okay to be sad and take the time you need to grieve. And I understand feeling a bit guilty about having a great time at your wedding, but you need to remember that your grandparents wouldn't want you to feel guilty or to have taken away from your wedding day happiness... that's why they waited to tell you. And as far as your husband, he signed on for better or worse... sometimes the worse part comes at inconvenient times. But, it's also nice to start out the marriage seeing how supportive he can be during the bad times. It's the bad times that made me know my husband was the guy I wanted to marry.

[Deleted User] · August 2015

Thanks you guys. I'm currently in grad school half way across the country from my family, so it's not possible to be there physically right now. But I know they are they by phone if I need. I have our dog with me, so that company has been really nice.

I have plans to see a counselor next week. Counseling has been helpful to me in various aspects of life, so i figured it may help me navigate the grieving process and develop some strategies for coping.

I really appreciate all of yall's insight and internet hugs. It really has helped me feel less alone with the situation.

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