My mom wants Elopement :(

Re: My mom wants Elopement :(

• mrscomposer member

  

  August 2015

  First of all, that dress is hella gorgeous.  You're going to look amazing.

  Second, if you and your FI are the ones paying, your opinions are the only ones that matter.  Just stop talking to your mom about the wedding.  As long as she knows when and where it is, the rest of the details don't need to be run past her.  I understand that you're disappointed that you're not going to get the typical 'OMG, Mom, it's my wedding!' relationship through this process, but hey - at least your mom isn't running you down with everything SHE wants

  And for your FMIL - just smile and say 'thank you for your suggestions, but FI and I are happy with the plans we've made'.  And then change the subject.

  **The OMH formerly known as jsangel1018**

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  August 2015

  Ok, first things first, don't listen to your mom, especially on that dress. You look beautiful in it as is!
  
  Second - this is your wedding, and your money... so continue in planning the wedding you want and ignore the noise coming from everyone else! Do your best to just change the subject if someone brings it up.
  
  Focus your energy and excitement on the fact that at the end of the day you will get to marry your FI.
  
  If I were you, and she continues to be rude... I would be super tempted to get snarky with your mom and tell her if she wants you to elope so badly, and doesn't care about being there, she can just not come to the wedding. Same result for her had you decided to elope.

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• AddieCake member

  

  August 2015

  I'm so sorry your mom is being so critical. Stop talking to her about the wedding. She isn't paying, so she doesn't need any input, and since she isn't interested, all it does is hurt you and make you feel rejected. If she tries to say ugly things now, at the wedding, or after, shut her down immediately. Tell her, "I'm sorry you don't approve, but this is the wedding we want. This topic is no longer open for discussion." Repeat as necessary.

  What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14

  

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• kmmssg mod

  

  August 2015

  Dear God we must be related because I come from the most anti "wedding" family on the planet.  "Wedding" to them is defined as anything other than JOP (which is awesome if that is your choice) and anything other than JOP is a waste of money.  I had "other than JOP" weddings and so did my 4 daughters.  Every one before me stresses that you are just as married if you go to the courthouse as you are if you "waste all that money."  We have to be related somehow.

  Your dress is gorgeous.

  Stop talking to your mom about the wedding.  She isn't going to change her tune and you aren't going to get the feedback you want to hear.  The best advice I ever got was from a former sister-in-law who basically said "stop going to a dry well looking for water."  Your mom is the well and she has no water.  Stop looking for it and you will stop hurting so much.

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• novella1186 member

  

  August 2015

  I'm sorry your mom is being such a downer. Her opinion really has no bearing on your wedding, though. It's your money-- you can spend it how you want. As long as you're planning the wedding that you and your FI truly want, that's what's important. So too bad for your mom. 

  
  

  I love your dress. I think it looks amazing on you, and it's beautiful! 

  
  

  And I agree with PP-- stop talking to your mom about the wedding. Don't even give her the opportunity to put a damper on all your excitement. It's going to be an amazing day, you're going to be wearing an amazing dress, and at the end of it you'll be married to the love of your life! Yay! 

  

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• JediElizabeth member

  

  August 2015

  I agree with PPs about your mom. She has her worldview, and you have yours. 

  
  

  I have to say, though, you look lovely in that dress without loosing any of the weight you want. Good luck with it, but know that right now there is nothing "goofy" about it!

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• OliveOilsMom member

  

  August 2015

  Knottie1439960789 said:

  Hey Ladies, My fiance and I have been engaged for 1 year as of 2 weeks ago and are finally starting to plan our wedding. We are paying for everything ourselves since he is 33 and I am 36. I'm an only child and always thought I would have some sort of wedding. My parents eloped and many relatives in my family have done the same so this whole wedding concept is alien to my parents. Anyway.. it's just been frustrating in terms of my mom. She kept telling me what a waste of money this all is and how we should elope like my cousin 43 year old male cousin recently did. We are looking to spend around 3-4k max. for everything including dress etc.. there would be 8 of us in total at the wedding and reception. My mom has also said she is to busy to participate in any way even when it came to helping me find a dress. I ended up going alone with my fiance and ran across a beautiful one at a sample sale for 500$ plus $250 for alterations. Anyway..I was hesitant to even go to a bridal dress shop since she thought the as she calls them poofy gowns look over the top and thought I should look at a department store for a nice  simple dress. When I called her about the dress and how I found it she was not that excited and just said I should have it taken in after wedding so I can use it and not waste all that money. Anyway.. it's just one thing after the other and it makes me super duper sad. I feel no excitement about this wedding.. my fiance is very sweet and told me he was proud of me for finding a nice dress with him.. but I just wish my mom cared . She just thinks weddings are a waste and the money should be used for more important things. We are financially stable though and we own a house with only 14 more years left on mortgage and we both have savings.. so I don't get it. On the other hand fiance's mom was ANTI us buying the house haha.. and thought we should be throwing a BIG WEDDING! omg.. I have had her questing me about this wedding for well over a year.. it's like the complete opposite of my mom. She's made me feel bad for NOT planning anything and she's bummed her bunch of friends can't come since the location is for 10 max. Anyway.. mom's you can never make them happy. Ug.. I can't wait till this is all over. P.S I attached a pic of the dress.. I'm dropping 30-40 llbs before the big day.. so hopefully I'll look pretty and not goofy as my mom currently thinks. Any thoughts on how to cope with this?

  Your dress is gorgeous and you will be gorgeous in it, whether or not you lose any weight.  No hopefully about it, you will look pretty because you will be in a gown you love marrying the person you love most!

  Stop talking to your mom about the wedding.  Since elopements run in your family, your family members probably just don't get the desire to have a wedding with other people there.  So only give them the information that they need about the wedding - date, time, and place.

  Addie gave a great example of something to say to your mom about shutting her down when she tries to act negatively.  Keep repeating it as often as possible.  Hopefully, your mom will get the hint and stop mentioning it.  But if she doesn't start leaving the conversation.  "Mom, I have told you numerous times.  My wedding is not up for discussion.  If you don't have anything else to talk about, I'm just going to say good bye now."  Then either hang up the phone or leave.  She can't talk negatively about your wedding, if you cannot hear her.

  As for people to talk to, obviously your FI has been great so far!  But we are also a great sounding board as well!  So change your username so we can get used to you and ask us your wedding questions!
  

  

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• MairePoppy mod

  

  August 2015

  Your dress is beautiful and very flattering. Congrats on the great deal  

  
  

  My MIL is a lot like your mom, so practical and frugal that she isn't able to be frivolous, ever. She can suck the joy out of life with a stern word or two, don't you think she can't, young lady On the chance that your mom isn't aware of the impact her words are having, you should let her know that it hurts your feelings when she belittles your plans. 

  
  

  Some of us are mothers of adult daughters, who also happen to love weddings. We'd be happy to listen to your ideas about your wedding, if you'd like to share. 

  
  

  
  

  
  

                     

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• Liatris2010 mod

  

  August 2015

  You look great in that dress! It is really pretty, and not at all over the top.
  
  Stop talking to your mom about the wedding. It is clear she has nothing nice to say about it. Send her an invitation and be done with it.
  
  Do talk to us about your wedding. I think an intimate ceremony and dinner sound lovely. Are you planning on hiring a photographer for the ceremony or portraits?
  

  

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• madamerwin member

  

  August 2015

  Liatris2010 said:

  You look great in that dress! It is really pretty, and not at all over the top.
  
  Stop talking to your mom about the wedding. It is clear she has nothing nice to say about it. Send her an invitation and be done with it.
  
  Do talk to us about your wedding. I think an intimate ceremony and dinner sound lovely. Are you planning on hiring a photographer for the ceremony or portraits?
  

  I don't really have any advice for handling your mom that PPs have not already said, but to the bolded - this! If you're looking for opinions, advice, etc. hang out here. Read through old posts (they are a treasure trove of useful info), lurk around the boards, and ask us anything. We can be excited with/for you, if that's what you are needing.

  
  

  If you are going to stick around, change your username - no one can keep the Knottie#'s straight.

  

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• mollybarker11 member

  

  August 2015

  You look absolutely beautiful! Very elegant dress, I love it. Not at all goofy(???)!

  
  

  Don't bring up any more wedding talk with your mom & FMIL, if they're not paying they have no say in it. Ignore any more comments they make. Enjoy this exciting time with your fiance!

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• chloe97 member

  

  August 2015

  My mother is similar to your mother. She wasn't a killjoy, but she certainly was concerned about us spending our money on a one day event. 

  
  

  I don't think I have ever seen my mom happier than on the day of my wedding,  so I agree with PP, don't talk about wedding planning with your mom. Come here and hang out with us and chat as much as you want about it.I bet on your wedding day, she won't be focused on the money you are spending, but on the amazing day that she has had watching you get married and celebrating a happy occasion!

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• Jen4948 member

  

  August 2015

  That's a beautiful dress and you look wonderful in it.
  
  As the PPs say, don't talk about your wedding with your mother, and if she keeps bringing up "waste," shut her down with "I'm sorry you feel that way, but as you've made your opinions known repeatedly, they are hurtful to me, and they aren't going to affect the plans, I'm not willing to discuss them any more. Please consider my wedding a closed subject."

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• huskypuppy14 member

  

  August 2015

  Agree with everyone else. You look great in that dress! You and your FI should plan the wedding you want and stop talking to the mothers. I'm sorry your Mom is being such a downer, but you can't control other people, you can only control how you react to them. 

  
  

  One little nitpick: your mom did have a wedding. She just didn't invite anyone to it. A wedding is when you get married. So she had her wedding her way, and since you are paying for your own wedding you get to have it your way, without her input. Good luck!

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• doeydo member

  

  August 2015 edited August 2015

  Ditto PPs on how to deal with your mom.  Also, You look gorgeous in your dress at your present weight/body size.  
  ETA the ditto

  
  

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• CMGragain member

  

  August 2015

  You are not alone.  My Mom had just been divorced from ex-stepdad when I announced my engagement and quickly planned wedding.  My only sister was also in the process of being divorced.  Do you think anybody wanted to be happy about a wedding?  Ha!
  That dress looks beautiful on you, and it is not a pouffy ball gown.
  Unfortunately, your family will not change into different people just because you are getting married.   You are going to have to depend on your FI for planning help.  You can do it.  Your current plans sound very realistic.
  If what Addie advised you to say does not work, you can always say, "Well, Mom, it is my wedding and I am paying for it. I am sorry if you don't like my plans, but I am happy with them.  Please keep your criticism to your self.  It makes me angry with you."  Truth.  I think I told my mother that I knew a nice lake that she could jump into.  She was shocked.
  

  

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