MOH Concerns

Knottie1440405724 · August 2015

AddieCake · August 2015

Knottie1440405724 said:

So for my wedding I decided to go with 2 co-MOH. One being my only sister, and my other my best friend of 10+ who is practically my sister. Everything has worked out beyond my wildest dreams, they have been so wonderful. My sister is perfect at planning events and making sure I have been stress free. While my best friend has also helped with some planning, but she's mainly been my distraction; she is the one that helps me take my mind off planning and to just have a good time.

However, I am concerned that one of my MOH is going to have "too good" of a time at my reception. We were talking about how much fun it would be...and she blatantly said "I can't wait to get drunk at your wedding."

It didn't concern me at first..because I want people to have a good time. But my sister is starting to get annoyed that my best friend isn't taking her duties seriously...and with my wedding in 6 days...so am I.

I have 2 major concerns...
1. That she will be too drunk and it will be me or my sister having to give her instructions to give others instructions...which is quite bluntly kind of annoying and adds onto my stress.
2. I am worried about her speech. I am concerned that she thinks that she's the next Amy Shumer and will think of her toast as a stand up, more than a speech to honor my new husband and me.

I realize I shouldn't worry about these things...she's my best friend. I would hope that she would know better..but she has made quite a few comments that have made me feel otherwise. I am actually concerned, and frankly, starting to get irritated with her!

I want to ask some of these questions to give myself some peace of mind, so there isn't any confusion/confrontation on my big day...but I'm not quite sure how to do so without sounding like a fuddy duddy. Any advice?

The only duties she has are to show up sober, on time, and in the right clothes to the ceremony. What instructions are these MsOH supposed to be giving out? That's amusing as hell. As for her speech, if you don't trust her, tell her you don't want anything embarrassing in her speech because you don't want to be made to feel embarrassed at your wedding. Or nix speeches altogether.

MobKaz · August 2015

Knottie1440405724 said:

So for my wedding I decided to go with 2 co-MOH. One being my only sister, and my other my best friend of 10+ who is practically my sister. Everything has worked out beyond my wildest dreams, they have been so wonderful. My sister is perfect at planning events and making sure I have been stress free. While my best friend has also helped with some planning, but she's mainly been my distraction; she is the one that helps me take my mind off planning and to just have a good time.

However, I am concerned that one of my MOH is going to have "too good" of a time at my reception. We were talking about how much fun it would be...and she blatantly said "I can't wait to get drunk at your wedding."

It didn't concern me at first..because I want people to have a good time. But my sister is starting to get annoyed that my best friend isn't taking her duties seriously...and with my wedding in 6 days...so am I.

I have 2 major concerns...
1. That she will be too drunk and it will be me or my sister having to give her instructions to give others instructions...which is quite bluntly kind of annoying and adds onto my stress.
2. I am worried about her speech. I am concerned that she thinks that she's the next Amy Shumer and will think of her toast as a stand up, more than a speech to honor my new husband and me.

I realize I shouldn't worry about these things...she's my best friend. I would hope that she would know better..but she has made quite a few comments that have made me feel otherwise. I am actually concerned, and frankly, starting to get irritated with her!

I want to ask some of these questions to give myself some peace of mind, so there isn't any confusion/confrontation on my big day...but I'm not quite sure how to do so without sounding like a fuddy duddy. Any advice?

---------------------------BOXES-------------------------------------------------------

Unless this is new behavior, I am not sure why her desire to "get drunk" would come as a surprise.

Many, many threads have discussed the "duties" of a member of a wedding party. The good news is that you do not have to worry about how seriously this friend takes her duties because she has NO duties. Being a BM is an honorary role, not one that requires manual labor. Guest will not require instructions. You do not need to give your BM's instructions.

This friend does need to be sober for your ceremony. However, once your ceremony ends, her role as BM technically ends. After that, wedding party members should be considered honored guests, albeit in often lame, matching attire. She is free to get her party on at that point.

No one should be giving any "speeches" at the reception. The hosts of the wedding can make a welcome toast. The bride and groom can make a general toast of thanks to their guests. Wedding party members are under no obligation to make any speech or toast. Has your friend mentioned giving a toast? If she has, gracefully decline them. If you are seriously that concerned about her state of mind, simply make sure the microphone does not get into her hands. You can make that one of your sister's duties, since she is so good at keeping you stress free!

pinupbride6189 · August 2015

What Addie said. I am also curious about what instructions she'll need to give. People know how to eat cake and dance. These girls aren't your employees. There are no expectations they have to meet, or duties they have to perform except for the ones Addie mentioned. You asked these girls to stand beside you to honor THEM, not to have them honor you (or at least you should have...). If you want to let her know what kind of toast you're comfortable with, I think that's fine, but other than that, you need to let her enjoy herself.

downtondiva · August 2015

Your MOH needs to show up sober, showered, and in the agreed-upon attire and stand with you during the ceremony. Beyond that, she doesn't really have any other responsibilities, especially once the reception starts. If you're that concerned about the toast, either ask her (nicely) not to say anything embarrassing or just tell her she doesn't have to do one at all. It is not necessary for multiple wedding party and family members to give toasts.

As for concerns about her being drunk, that is only your problem if you think she may pose a danger to other guests while intoxicated. If it's just a case of her looking silly or not giving people the proper "instructions" (whatever that means) then you need to let it go.

Knottie1440405724 · August 2015

I think I explained it poorly, I'm not expecting her to do a lot. But a lot of my vendors have asked for numbers to call, other than myself or my parents. In that case, I directed them to my MsOH in case anything should happen. that way I'm not in charge if something goes wrong on that day.

I say "duties" lightly, and I in no way am looking to put her into manual labor or physical work. And of course I want her to have a good time. But at the end I was hoping that the BMs would help pass out match boxes and sparklers for our depart...

You people are Wedding pros and I guess i mean toast instead of a speech.... somethings in my post were taken too literal and I guess I should have chosen better wording.

onefootinthebayou · August 2015

Knottie1440405724 said:

I think I explained it poorly, I'm not expecting her to do a lot. But a lot of my vendors have asked for numbers to call, other than myself or my parents. In that case, I directed them to my MsOH in case anything should happen. that way I'm not in charge if something goes wrong on that day.

I say "duties" lightly, and I in no way am looking to put her into manual labor or physical work. And of course I want her to have a good time. But at the end I was hoping that the BMs would help pass out match boxes and sparklers for our depart...

You people are Wedding pros and I guess i mean toast instead of a speech.... somethings in my post were taken too literal and I guess I should have chosen better wording.

------------------------------------Gah. SITB-----------------------------------------------------------

RE: the boled. That is very bizarre. I have never heard of this. I planned my whole wedding, I was the one signing the vendor contracts, so why would vendors want any phone numbers other then my own, the venues, or my fi's? That's very strange. I wouldn't have given BP numbers to vendors and if they asked, I would have said, you have my number and Fi's number, that's enough. Then again, I'm bossy and I wouldn't want anyone else to be burdened with managing something that was my responsibility.

Also, it's considered poor form to delete your original post. You were quoted, so people know what you posted. It's pointless to delete and also calls more attention to your post. It's rude b/c the advice given isn't just for your benefit, but for the benefit of anyone who reads it and may have similar questions as you. FYI.

FWIW, I would enlist someone at the venue to pass out anything that needs passing out. That is what staff is for. Even though passing out sparklers is a small task, there should be hired help to do these things, not guests or your BP who are actually your honored guests.

Teddy917 · August 2015

Knottie1440405724 said:
I think I explained it poorly, I'm not expecting her to do a lot. But a lot of my vendors have asked for numbers to call, other than myself or my parents. In that case, I directed them to my MsOH in case anything should happen. that way I'm not in charge if something goes wrong on that day.

I say "duties" lightly, and I in no way am looking to put her into manual labor or physical work. And of course I want her to have a good time. But at the end I was hoping that the BMs would help pass out match boxes and sparklers for our depart...

You people are Wedding pros and I guess i mean toast instead of a speech.... somethings in my post were taken too literal and I guess I should have chosen better wording.

Tell your vendors that they work for you, so you are the one they need to speak to. Don't give them any other numbers.

MobKaz · August 2015

Teddy917 said:

I think I explained it poorly, I'm not expecting her to do a lot. But a lot of my vendors have asked for numbers to call, other than myself or my parents. In that case, I directed them to my MsOH in case anything should happen. that way I'm not in charge if something goes wrong on that day.

I say "duties" lightly, and I in no way am looking to put her into manual labor or physical work. And of course I want her to have a good time. But at the end I was hoping that the BMs would help pass out match boxes and sparklers for our depart...

You people are Wedding pros and I guess i mean toast instead of a speech.... somethings in my post were taken too literal and I guess I should have chosen better wording.
Tell your vendors that they work for you, so you are the one they need to speak to. Don't give them any other numbers.

But, she needs to be stress free on her wedding day. If something goes wrong at HER wedding, why should SHE have to deal with it?

OliveOilsMom · August 2015

Put your sparklers in a basket, have the DJ announce where said basket is so the guests can go grab one. Have the people you are paying work for you, not your nearest and dearest who should be enjoying your reception.

zitiqueen · August 2015

You need to hire a day of coordinator.

Hire. Pay.

themosthappy91 · August 2015

onefootinthebayou said:

Knottie1440405724 said:

I think I explained it poorly, I'm not expecting her to do a lot. But a lot of my vendors have asked for numbers to call, other than myself or my parents. In that case, I directed them to my MsOH in case anything should happen. that way I'm not in charge if something goes wrong on that day.

I say "duties" lightly, and I in no way am looking to put her into manual labor or physical work. And of course I want her to have a good time. But at the end I was hoping that the BMs would help pass out match boxes and sparklers for our depart...

You people are Wedding pros and I guess i mean toast instead of a speech.... somethings in my post were taken too literal and I guess I should have chosen better wording.

------------------------------------Gah. SITB-----------------------------------------------------------

RE: the boled. That is very bizarre. I have never heard of this. I planned my whole wedding, I was the one signing the vendor contracts, so why would vendors want any phone numbers other then my own, the venues, or my fi's? That's very strange. I wouldn't have given BP numbers to vendors and if they asked, I would have said, you have my number and Fi's number, that's enough. Then again, I'm bossy and I wouldn't want anyone else to be burdened with managing something that was my responsibility.

Also, it's considered poor form to delete your original post. You were quoted, so people know what you posted. It's pointless to delete and also calls more attention to your post. It's rude b/c the advice given isn't just for your benefit, but for the benefit of anyone who reads it and may have similar questions as you. FYI.

FWIW, I would enlist someone at the venue to pass out anything that needs passing out. That is what staff is for. Even though passing out sparklers is a small task, there should be hired help to do these things, not guests or your BP who are actually your honored guests.

Just for the record, several of my vendors did the same thing. Of course I told them they should just contact me or H or, if we were unavailable and something needed to happen imminently, one of our parents, but I thought it was worth mentioning that this is a somewhat common practice.

STARMOON44 · August 2015

Your bridal party needs to show up sober, not stay that way until the end. She prob needs a drink!

huskypuppy14 · August 2015

Do you have a coordinator, either a DOC, or a venue coordinator? This is the person that should be taking care of the small tasks, not your MOH. Also, as a bridesmaid, I have never had my phone on me (or as a bride) so it seems pretty ridiculous to have other vendors call your bridesmaids. It makes absolutely no sense.

photokitty · August 2015

Come on, be honest. Your venue makes you tear down that night, and rather than paying someone to do it, you are expecting your wedding party to do it for you. Bc it's not that much, and it will be super easy with all them working together

And, Your sister is worried she is going to get stuck cleaning up alone when everyone else bails or is drunk.

Hire someone to do these tasks and let your sister have fun and not worry about ordering around the other BMs.

Heffalump · August 2015

If she gets drunk, I'm pretty sure her only restrictions are not operating a vehicle and/or heavy machinery. Assuming those aren't part of your "instructions," I'd say you're all set.

lembaslover · August 2015

I hope our wedding party gets drunk. That means they'll be having a great time! FI and I plan on getting a bit drunk too!

Also I would not be giving out their numbers to vendors. That is the responsibility of my FI and I.

Hire a DOC to hand out sparkler stuff. Our venue actually requires that they hand that stuff out so you might want to make sure that you don't need someone to do that for legal or fire risk reasons.

Finally please don't make your wedding party and family clean up after your wedding. It will prevent them from having a good time even if "it isn't that much".

loveislouder · August 2015

Our party were all telling us how excited they were to be hammered at the wedding, and we were excited for them. We don't get to have drinks often as a team and we wanted them to have a great time.

pennydl · August 2015

themosthappy91 said:

onefootinthebayou said:

Knottie1440405724 said:

I think I explained it poorly, I'm not expecting her to do a lot. But a lot of my vendors have asked for numbers to call, other than myself or my parents. In that case, I directed them to my MsOH in case anything should happen. that way I'm not in charge if something goes wrong on that day.

I say "duties" lightly, and I in no way am looking to put her into manual labor or physical work. And of course I want her to have a good time. But at the end I was hoping that the BMs would help pass out match boxes and sparklers for our depart...

You people are Wedding pros and I guess i mean toast instead of a speech.... somethings in my post were taken too literal and I guess I should have chosen better wording.

------------------------------------Gah. SITB-----------------------------------------------------------

RE: the boled. That is very bizarre. I have never heard of this. I planned my whole wedding, I was the one signing the vendor contracts, so why would vendors want any phone numbers other then my own, the venues, or my fi's? That's very strange. I wouldn't have given BP numbers to vendors and if they asked, I would have said, you have my number and Fi's number, that's enough. Then again, I'm bossy and I wouldn't want anyone else to be burdened with managing something that was my responsibility.

Also, it's considered poor form to delete your original post. You were quoted, so people know what you posted. It's pointless to delete and also calls more attention to your post. It's rude b/c the advice given isn't just for your benefit, but for the benefit of anyone who reads it and may have similar questions as you. FYI.

FWIW, I would enlist someone at the venue to pass out anything that needs passing out. That is what staff is for. Even though passing out sparklers is a small task, there should be hired help to do these things, not guests or your BP who are actually your honored guests.

Just for the record, several of my vendors did the same thing. Of course I told them they should just contact me or H or, if we were unavailable and something needed to happen imminently, one of our parents, but I thought it was worth mentioning that this is a somewhat common practice.

I too, was asked by a couple of my vendors if they could have someone else's phone number as an emergency contact for the day of our wedding. Just in case they couldn't get a hold of me or my FI. I don't have a MOH so I asked one of my BM's if she would mind if I gave them her number. So as themosthappy91 mentioned, it does seem to be common practice.

DarthV8r · August 2015

@addiecake , you're on it today homegirl.

MandyMost · August 2015

You need to immediately apologize to your MOHs, and anyone else that you've asked/expected to do work at your wedding who you're not paying.

We hired a DOC, and she dealt with all of this stuff for us. As we were leaving that night, she had packed up all the important "keep" items (such as some framed photos we had out, extra flowers, left over cake, etc.) and friends/family/wedding party helped to carry such items to the shuttle and into the hotel. That's the only work any of them did at the wedding!

aurianna · August 2015

This logic does not compute.

You want her to be sober in case any of the vendors call to let people know there's a problem? Aside from that not doing much good since she probably will not know how you want to handle any of those problems, since 98% of any of those calls would likely happen BEFORE your reception, her getting drunk at the reception would have no impact.

This is a non-issue.
Hire a day of coordinator if you're this worried about day of disasters, and let your friends party.

SP29 · September 2015

Agree with aurianna.

Any issues would be happening before your ceremony starts, thus you or your FI will be able to be contacted.

If anything goes wrong at the ceremony/reception you will be there to deal with it.

Thus, MOH can drink away.

If you are worried about any toasts I think that is something that is fine to broach. You can't tell them what to say, but I think letting anyone toasting know that you wouldn't like anything said that would embarrass you, or that would not be appropriate to be heard by your grandparents (or someone similar).

My dad likes to tell jokes, he likes to say potentially embarrassing things- it's not embarrassing to him. I had a childhood nickname that is embarrassing to me now- I told him he was NOT allowed to bring that up. My MIL and her family are also very conservative, so I told him anything he said needed to be appropriate for them (where as my family or our friends would probably find it funny).

If you are REALLY worried about someone, you can also let your DJ know that no one except those who have agreed to give toasts may take the microphone.

Not all WP members are required to give toasts, so you could decline a toast from this friend.

And P.S. Don't delete your posts. Everyone learns from them.

anjemon · September 2015

My MOH was definitely drunk at my wedding. It didn't impact anything except the fact that I was happy she was having a good time. She was still hyper organized the day of. She actually went around and introduced herself to my friends she didn't know during the reception. And she gave a wonderful toast - saved most of the drunkenness for after when the real party started.

I was just happy she had a good time because I had heard her story about how at her sister's wedding she spent the entire reception being a sober cab and packing stuff up because she's super responsible and concerned about things.

I also just had any vendors call me the day of. My Mom (I think) had my phone until the ceremony started so if anyone called me we would know about it. We also had a venue coordinator so I'm sure most of the vendors dealt with her when they had questions and issues.

I agree with PP's. Let your MsOH off the hook after the ceremony. They don't need to be worried about anything while you're thanking them. Maybe hire a DOC or make sure your venue coordinator can handle any issues.

TrixieJess · September 2015

'Tis that time again:

OP, it's rude to erase your post. Also, you were quoted so we can see what you wrote.

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