MIA bridesmaid? UPDATE in thread

bride2b71614 · August 2015

So I'm 56 days away from the wedding! I'm really excited but also somewhat concerned. I've been in contact with my bridal party and four out of the five have been pretty responsive, which is really awesome (as in saying we ordered the dress, we've booked the hotel, etc.). But one bridesmaid is MIA. She attends college out of state, and I've heard nothing from her. She hasn't indicated if she bought plane tickets, or even if she's ordered a dress. The girls have their own thread and my MOH has informed me that she's been unresponsive. I have tried to contact her via texts, email, phone calls, Facebook messaging, no response. I even asked her best friend if she's heard from her, and she said no. I'm concerned that something is really wrong, and I'm not sure what to do at this point? I am worried about her. If something is wrong, I would like to know so that I can be a supportive friend. I would hate to continue to contact her, but we are getting down to the nitty gritty, and I would rather know if she wants to be in the bridal party or attend as a guest if things are too overwhelming. Has anyone been in this position? What did you do? What would you do in this situation?

jacques27 · August 2015

Forget your wedding. Be a friend and do whatever you would do as a friend if there were no wedding involved, meaning if you reach out to her, then do so with no ulterior motive except to be a friend and talk about whatever you normally talk about (not to ask where she is at with your wedding stuff).

There's still what...8 weeks? And if she took summer classes then she probably just had finals and she's just about to start fall semester in a week or two. And if she's paying for school herself or only working part-time while going to school, there's a good chance it's taking her longer to save up or she's waiting until school starts to finalize travel and such.

Honestly, you don't need to know 8 weeks in advance if she's planning to walk down the aisle or just be a guest. Would it be nice to know? Sure, but you don't need to know. Her only responsibilities are to get herself there in the proper attire and be sober enough to walk a straight line and stand up there with you. Other than figure out what order to walk down the aisle and where to put her plate of food, there isn't a whole lot to reconfigure that can't be figured out in a few minutes.

bride2b71614 · August 2015

That's what I was saying. I am hoping she's okay because I haven't heard anything. When I reached out my messages weren't wedding related. I'm genuinely concerned about her wellbeing. At this point I agree with wanting to be a good friend and I'm just hoping she's okay and not on crisis or going throug stuff alone.

I wish she'd return my messages so that I can help her if needed.

Jen4948 · August 2015

Have you tried going to see her in person and just making sure she's okay?

bride2b71614 · August 2015

@Jen4948, She's in CO

otherwise I would.

Jen4948 · August 2015

She might just be busy with classes or something. It can be scary and annoying when people don't get back to you, but that might be all it is.

LD1970 · August 2015

Are you in contact with her parents at all?

climbingsingle · August 2015

Remove your wedding from the equation. Who cares if she still plans to be in it? You have a friend that has dropped off the face of the earth that no one has been able to get in touch with.

Find a relative of hers and contact them.

aliwis000 · August 2015

LD1970 said:

Are you in contact with her parents at all?

This is my thought.

Call any friends/relatives you know of hers and find out if they have also not talked to her. I would contact the best friend again too. Tell her you are really worried and are thinking about contacting the authorities if you do not get word she is ok. If her best friend is just helping cover for her this will probably spur them to at least tell you she is ok.

From your post it seems you have reached out with non-wedding texts but to me this could just mean she is avoiding you for some reason. Could be a thousand reasons, school is crazy, work is crazy, she just keeps forgetting. Could also be because she does not know how to tell you she cannot be in the wedding.

Priotiry number 1 right now though is her safety and ensuring she is ok.

novella1186 · August 2015

scribe95 said:

Has she posted on FB, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat? If so she is likely fine and just busy. Though honestly, it's just rude to ignore people.

This is what I was wondering too. See if she has been online/posted anything. If not, contact the best friend again as PP suggested.

If you find that she's fine but just busy or hasn't been able to get back to you for whatever reason, I would just send her a quick message and ask if everything is alright and that you'd love to hear from her because you miss her/are concerned/whatever, and then leave the ball in her court to get in touch with you.

[Deleted User] · August 2015

Send a text or call just to see how she is doing. You sound concerned about her well being in general. She may be taking a facebook break. I see more and more people doing that. Not logging on for a few weeks to even doing a temp. deactivation of facebook. If you still can't get a hold of her via text/calling, if you know her family, contact them. First is to find out if she's ok and what is going. Then once you find that all out, you can address the BM questions you have.

bride2b71614 · August 2015

I haven't spoken with her family members. I've noticed that she posted on Instagram a few days ago. I've contacted her via call, text and email. I've asked if she's okay. She hasn't responded. Her Instagram showed pics of her smiling and happy so I'm assuming she's okay.

Pupatella · August 2015

Oh this is very positive as it sounds like she is okay if she's posting on Instagram!!

Could she be avoiding the questions about the wedding because the plane tickets / dress / hotel room are expensive and she has limited funds? I'd try to talk to her over the phone or skype, and if she is feeling overwhelmed by the expenses, maybe you can help her out, or figure out an alternative dress / plan?

Of course, she may also be avoiding everyone because school can be very time consuming.

Either way, I'd reach out as a friend, and go from there.

[Deleted User] · August 2015

bride2b71614 said:

I haven't spoken with her family members. I've noticed that she posted on Instagram a few days ago. I've contacted her via call, text and email. I've asked if she's okay. She hasn't responded. Her Instagram showed pics of her smiling and happy so I'm assuming she's okay.

At least you know she's alive. Message her again and don't bring up the wedding. "Saw your photo on instagram. Glad to see you're alive and happy. I miss you."

Jen4948 · August 2015

adk19 said:

bride2b71614 said:

I haven't spoken with her family members. I've noticed that she posted on Instagram a few days ago. I've contacted her via call, text and email. I've asked if she's okay. She hasn't responded. Her Instagram showed pics of her smiling and happy so I'm assuming she's okay.

At least you know she's alive. Message her again and don't bring up the wedding. "Saw your photo on instagram. Glad to see you're alive and happy. I miss you."

I would do this.

bride2b71614 · August 2015

Finally reached out to her parents. They said that she won't be attending the wedding and that her best solution was to avoid telling me. I am more hurt that she didn't feel comfortable enough to tell me, than her not being in the bridal party. Oh well. I wrote a really nice, understanding email, and sent it. I have yet to hear back from her.

themosthappy91 · August 2015

Yeah honestly I would be super upset in your shoes- not about her not being in/at the wedding, but the fact that she lacked the basic respect for you to tell you. I would be considering heavily whether this friendship was worth it to me to keep up with... I just don't see the point if there's no trust, respect or communication.

Jen4948 · August 2015

bride2b71614 said:
Finally reached out to her parents. They said that she won't be attending the wedding and that her best solution was to avoid telling me. I am more hurt that she didn't feel comfortable enough to tell me, than her not being in the bridal party. Oh well. I wrote a really nice, understanding email, and sent it. I have yet to hear back from her.

I think under the circumstances she's not your friend anymore. I would not consider someone who dropped out of my wedding party and thought their "best solution was to avoid telling me" a friend. And I would not send that person any communication after that, let alone anything "nice" or "understanding" because they IMO forfeited that along with my friendship. Definitely don't expect to hear any response to that "nice, understanding" email. The more "niceness" and "understanding" you show such an (expletive), the less of it you ever get in return.

jacques27 · August 2015

Jen4948 said:

Finally reached out to her parents. They said that she won't be attending the wedding and that her best solution was to avoid telling me. I am more hurt that she didn't feel comfortable enough to tell me, than her not being in the bridal party. Oh well. I wrote a really nice, understanding email, and sent it. I have yet to hear back from her.
I think under the circumstances she's not your friend anymore. I would not consider someone who dropped out of my wedding party and thought their "best solution was to avoid telling me" a friend. And I would not send that person any communication after that, let alone anything "nice" or "understanding" because they IMO forfeited that along with my friendship. Definitely don't expect to hear any response to that "nice, understanding" email. The more "niceness" and "understanding" you show such an (expletive), the less of it you ever get in return.

I'm going to disagree with this. I think being a gracious person who can show empathy even in the face of disappointment is a tremendous virtue to have and commendable, @bride2b71614. Sure, she may never respond, but writing a nice email and knowing that you reached out to someone will likely serve your peace of mind far better than harboring hostility and bitterness and being a withholding person.

You mentioned that she's a student. Unless she got a free ride somewhere or she's independently wealthy, that is expensive and time-consuming. It's possible that she can't afford to be in the wedding and is too embarrassed to tell you. Discussing finances is a touchy subject for people even in a decent financial standing, let alone those who may be in much more dire straits. She could be experiencing some depression or anxiety as well. You said she wasn't in much contact with others, but you at least confirmed she was ok after posting on Instagram. People have a tendency to withdraw and use social media as an escape, only posting the good things or engaging in things that allow them to escape whatever is going on. Sure, maybe it turns out in the end she really just isn't feeling your friendship anymore and wanted to ditch you, but these are just two completely plausible explanations. It doesn't excuse her behavior, but at least serves as reason enough to keep the lines of communication open.

Jen4948 · August 2015

jacques27 said:

Jen4948 said:

bride2b71614 said:
Finally reached out to her parents. They said that she won't be attending the wedding and that her best solution was to avoid telling me. I am more hurt that she didn't feel comfortable enough to tell me, than her not being in the bridal party. Oh well. I wrote a really nice, understanding email, and sent it. I have yet to hear back from her.
I think under the circumstances she's not your friend anymore. I would not consider someone who dropped out of my wedding party and thought their "best solution was to avoid telling me" a friend. And I would not send that person any communication after that, let alone anything "nice" or "understanding" because they IMO forfeited that along with my friendship. Definitely don't expect to hear any response to that "nice, understanding" email. The more "niceness" and "understanding" you show such an (expletive), the less of it you ever get in return.

I'm going to disagree with this. I think being a gracious person who can show empathy even in the face of disappointment is a tremendous virtue to have and commendable, @bride2b71614. Sure, she may never respond, but writing a nice email and knowing that you reached out to someone will likely serve your peace of mind far better than harboring hostility and bitterness and being a withholding person.

You mentioned that she's a student. Unless she got a free ride somewhere or she's independently wealthy, that is expensive and time-consuming. It's possible that she can't afford to be in the wedding and is too embarrassed to tell you. Discussing finances is a touchy subject for people even in a decent financial standing, let alone those who may be in much more dire straits. She could be experiencing some depression or anxiety as well. You said she wasn't in much contact with others, but you at least confirmed she was ok after posting on Instagram. People have a tendency to withdraw and use social media as an escape, only posting the good things or engaging in things that allow them to escape whatever is going on. Sure, maybe it turns out in the end she really just isn't feeling your friendship anymore and wanted to ditch you, but these are just two completely plausible explanations. It doesn't excuse her behavior, but at least serves as reason enough to keep the lines of communication open.

I don't disagree about graciousness being a virtue, but this chick didn't say that she couldn't afford to be a bridesmaid, or didn't have time, or give any reason at all and actually thought it was okay to get out of a major promise with complete silence and showed a total lack of concern for someone who had thought of her as a "good friend" and was really worried about her safety!

I think she was so rude that while forgiveness might be a kindness on the OP's part, let's remember that she did absolutely nothing to deserve it. If she tries to pull the same shit on other people in the future, they probably won't be so forgiving and she'll be subjected to consequences which may well be severe. But she'll have brought it on herself if that happens.

MIA bridesmaid? UPDATE in thread

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