What's $300 Between Friends?

[Deleted User] · August 2015

My dear friend of fourteen years lives in New England. She is not in my WP as my sister is the only one standing up with me. About a year ago, after I got engaged, she made an offhand comment about how inviting people to be in your WP is important to show them how much they mean to you, but she hasn't expressed any disappointment about not being a bridesmaid.

My October 2015 wedding is in a southern state. I no longer live in that state and, due to an unexpected move, this is somewhat of a DW for all. Last week, my friend called to say that she likely cannot afford to go to my wedding but that she will keep looking in the hopes that ticket prices go down. She confirmed that, if the expense weren't an issue, she would be there. I then offered to cover the cost of about 2/3 of her plane ticket and told her she could stay in an extra room in one of the suites we have reserved for the wedding at no cost to her. She thanked me and said she would keep looking for tickets. I sent her a text early this week to ask if she found a flight that will work, and she said she is not comfortable taking money from me and that she now has even more financial commitments that will likely prevent her from from attending the wedding.

I know that how she spends her money is her business, but this is weighing on me, particularly since I offered to cover the majority of her trip. I want to stress to her that I would really rather part with the money and have her at my wedding, but I don't want to end up the subject of another "My friend is mad at me because I can't attend her DW" post. Is there a reasonable way forward here?

Pupatella · August 2015

That is very generous of you to offer to pay for most of her trip. That shows how much you truly want her there.

I can see why your friend didn't accept your money though. It would be really hard for me to accept any money from my friends, and I would feel the need to pay them back even if they told me it was a gift.

I would maybe help her look for flight deals, hotel deals, etc. But if she can't afford it, you need to accept that. I wouldn't send her constant messages asking if she's coming. That is probably tough for her. Just be a friend, and be supportive of her.

I honestly can't fault your friend for being responsible and not spending money she doesn't have.

JediElizabeth · August 2015

I know you'd rather not hear this, but I'd respect her wishes and leave it be. Let her know you understand and you hope you can go to dinner when you're back in the area or something instead.

Likely, "expenses" mean more than the money it takes to get down there behind it: a DW often means taking time off work (with lost vacation days and/or money), possibly buying an outfit suited for a different climate, etc. She may not be able to do that, and it seems like she's embarrassed enough about her situation as it is without explaining those kinds of details.

*Barbie* · August 2015

If your friend cannot afford to attend the wedding, and has turned down your offer to cover a majority of the costs, then you just need to be understanding and say "I'm sorry you won't be able to attend. I'll miss having you there." (end of discussion)

Travel requires both time and money - not only would she be paying (something) to attend, she also would be giving significantly more time than if the wedding was in her town. While your wedding may be one of the most important days in *your* life, there's no requirement for your friend to be in attendance. It's an invitation, not a subpoena. You need to accept her decision and drop it - or risk causing a fight and losing the friend.

MesmrEwe · August 2015

Quite honestly, that money would put a wedge, possibly permanent, in a friendship - really - it would! Especially so depending on her upbringing. It's not just the cost of the flight, it's the rental car, it's the outfit, it's the time away from work, it's the awkwardness of the gift (accepting money from you only to turn around and spend at least $50-75 on a gift), shoes, meals, etc. It's a lot.

IMO, you need to take it with a grain of salt and just be positive about how you want her there but understand that she won't be able to attend.

GBCK · August 2015

^a couple people mentoned the $ to take off work...

when I was in college, my friends often could *NOT* seem to get that a week to go to the Bahamasfor 'just $200" would cost me $200 + the extras + the 60 hours of pay I was loosing for that timeframe.

She's admitted she can't afford it--that's a hard thing to do. Either you trust that she's telling the truth or you think there's something else wrong in your relationship--but either way, she's saying she can't come.
So, feel a bit sad about that, and grump to yourself, and then just accept that them's the breaks.

[Deleted User] · August 2015

Thanks, ladies. I appreciate the advice. I understand that there are hidden costs and that I can't make her come. I think that my disappointment is compounded by the fact that she has talked to me about her participation in several recent, high-cost excursions (e.g., a trip to Jamaica for another friend's bachelorette party). Granted, I don't know how she paid for those trips, but it feels a bit like she could have allocated some funds toward attending my wedding if she had so chosen. In any event, I'll let it go and focus on those who will be there.

*Barbie* · September 2015

Knottie50115812 said:

Thanks, ladies. I appreciate the advice. I understand that there are hidden costs and that I can't make her come. I think that my disappointment is compounded by the fact that she has talked to me about her participation in several recent, high-cost excursions (e.g., a trip to Jamaica for another friend's bachelorette party). Granted, I don't know how she paid for those trips, but it feels a bit like she could have allocated some funds toward attending my wedding if she had so chosen. In any event, I'll let it go and focus on those who will be there.

Just stop. You don't get to dictate how other people spend their money and time.

A girls' trip to Jamaica sounds like a lot more fun than attending a wedding in a "southern state."

Maybe she's in the other wedding party and decided to attend that event instead. Maybe she's been planning on attending your wedding but unexpected costs came up in the last few months and she can't afford it. Maybe she doesn't want to travel to and attend your wedding alone. Maybe she's just not that into you anymore. Whatever the reason, she gave you more of an explanation than she had to, and you continued to press the issue and likely make her uncomfortable. Seriously just drop it - when people need to travel to attend any event, you're going to get some declines - accept it and move on.

What's $300 Between Friends?

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