MOH and Sister Can't Come

Re: MOH and Sister Can't Come

• 6fsn member

  

  September 2015

  I'm sorry about your MOH and I'm even more sorry about your sister.  Her husband sounds like an ass.  You're under no obligation to pay for the whole family to come.  BUT I guess if you want her there that's the way it will have to happen. 

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• Heffalump member

  

  September 2015

  Bad luck about your MOH.  I'm sorry.
  
  As for your sister, WTF?  Is her husband normally an a-hole?  I mean, I don't want to jump to conclusions based on this little bit of info, but his behavior sounds insanely controlling and possibly abusive.  Is this normal for him?  Even the language of "refuses to allow" is a big red flag.
  
  How old are her kids?  I have two, and while I don't love being away from them (I travel occasionally for work), I know that they can survive without me for a couple of days.  They don't necessarily love it either, but I think it's actually good for kids to know that even if mom is out of town, they're still loved and cared for, and she'll come back.  So her issue about "abandoning and letting down" seems overwrought to me, assuming she'll be out of town for a weekend and not on a three week bender.
  

  �

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• LD1970 member

  

  September 2015

  Your brother-in-law is an asshole, and the fact that your sister allows it sucks.
  
  BUT,if your MOH and sister can't or won't come, there's no need to further "lighten" the wedding party. If you're left with uneven sides, so be it. I promise it'll be fine

  You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
  

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• JediElizabeth member

  

  September 2015

  Knottie1432695067 said:

  So in the last 2 days my best friend (MOH) and sister (bridesmaid) have both told me they cannot attend my wedding. My fiancé and I live in Florida and are having a beach wedding here in a little less than 3 months. The issue is that all of my family live in other states and are all having to travel to come. Airfare is not cheap during that time. Knowing that, we are not doing things like bridal shower, bachelor/ette party or anything to add any additional costs to everyone coming. Plus our bridal party gifts are their outfits and accessories for that day. Sadly my best friend lost her job and, understandably, cannot afford to come. My sister, on the other hand, just informed me her husband refuses to allow her to come unless I pay for her, him and their 2 children to attend (which this wedding is supposed to be child free). He feels that we should pay at least half and refuses to come, otherwise. I suggested that my sister just come and offered to buy her plane ticket but she won't come by herself in fear she's abandoning and letting down her children. I am at a loss. I really can't afford to pay for their travel expenses, as we just bought and moved into a new home and are paying for our wedding. It just breaks my heart not to have them there- more so my sister as both of our parents are deceased and we are all we have left. So with that being said, do I try to figure something out to pay for them? Or do I cut my losses and just figure out how to lighten the wedding party? I'm at a loss...

  
  

  ALLOW her to come? Really? Is that how their relationship works?

  
  

  Full disclosure: my sister and I are twins (and the only siblings), and so we spoil each other rotten, so for mine I would figure out how to pay for her (and only her) to get to me. As PPs have said, it's not really your responsibility or your problem, but I'd want my sister away from someone like that as much as humanly possible.

  
  

  Barring that, PPs have it covered: uneven sides are fine, and shouldn't lead you to stress more.

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• *Barbie* member

  

  September 2015

  So you're having your wedding right around Thanksgiving? If so, I don't blame people for taking issue with travelling then - it is more expensive, and a lot of times people already have family plans. 

  
  

  I think the first 3 responses nailed it, though- 

  your BIL sounds like a controlling asshole. 

  it sucks that MOH lost her job and can't travel

  you don't need to have balanced sides on the wedding party - so these 2 dropping out would not mean firing groomsmen. 

  
  

  also - to your sister and BIL's point - it does seem kind of crummy to expect people to travel for your wedding and then their kids aren't invited. We don't have anyone locally to watch our daughter for a few nights, so we would be in the same boat - either split up the family and only one person attends (which isn't particularly fun - I've done it) or pay for the whole family to travel ($$$) and then have to find and pay for a local sitter. I guess i don't understand why you wouldn't want your nieces/nephews to attend your wedding. I'm not saying I'm against child-free events/trips - i'm not - but it complicates things when you expect people to travel. 

  
  

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• MesmrEwe member

  

  September 2015

  Yep - another vote for BIL is an AH... 

  Here's the deal - you're already paying for far more than you're obligated to, give people an inch, they take a mile.  You've got to make the choice, but I'd be firm and put your foot down that if you're buying a ticket, it's only hers.  He can figure out how to manage without her there for a weekend.  It's not babysitting, it's fatherhood.  Worse comes to worse, she can do meal prep for him so he just tosses something in the microwave to eat..  If it feels like she's abandoning them to go away for a weekend, she sure as heck needs to get away to have a moment to breathe! 

  At the end of the day either you pay for your Sister's ticket only, or you compromise and let the kids attend.  I understand the whole "no kids" thing, I do, but you're expecting them to travel with the kids, but the kids have to stay at the hotel, that's kind of crappy too since you're their only Aunt from the likes of what you've said.  It's about compromise - do you want your sister there or not.  You've got two lousy options you've got to decide which you want to do.  Otherwise, what about paying for gas if the flights and incidentals are going to be too expensive?

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• Knottie1432695067 member

  

  September 2015

  Just make it clear. We were allowing our nieces and nephews to come all along due to no other arrangements for their care- even though we wanted this to be child free, as we just want our siblings there. The reason we have it as child free is that it's a later wedding- if kids came, there would be no one left to come to our reception which starts at 7pm (kids usually go to bed 8-9). They are all between the ages of 2-4. We offered to find local sitters to watch the children at the resort but my sister and BIL aren't keen on having anyone babysit their kids- when they don't even do that at home. (They have a hard time trusting their kids under anyone else's care other than their own or family). Most of our family and friends are happy of having a kid free weekend. It's not that kids aren't welcome- it's more the timing and everyone knows that.
  Thank you for your input!

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• Pupatella member

  

  September 2015

  Knottie1432695067 said:

  Just make it clear. We were allowing our nieces and nephews to come all along due to no other arrangements for their care- even though we wanted this to be child free, as we just want our siblings there. The reason we have it as child free is that it's a later wedding- if kids came, there would be no one left to come to our reception which starts at 7pm (kids usually go to bed 8-9). They are all between the ages of 2-4. We offered to find local sitters to watch the children at the resort but my sister and BIL aren't keen on having anyone babysit their kids- when they don't even do that at home. (They have a hard time trusting their kids under anyone else's care other than their own or family). Most of our family and friends are happy of having a kid free weekend. It's not that kids aren't welcome- it's more the timing and everyone knows that. Thank you for your input!

  I think offering to find a local sitter is incredibly generous, and what I was about to suggest to solve the problem. Unfortunately, that is not a good enough solution for them. I am so sorry that your BIL is being completely ridiculous. What if you offered to pay for half the plane tickets (you are being bullied into this), and then have your BIL watch the two kids, while your sister attends the wedding?

  
  

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• Knottie1432695067 member

  

  September 2015 edited September 2015

  Thank you everyone. I know it's a tough time for people to travel. My sister and BIL are the main reason we chose Thanksgiving, as they are both teachers and have that as a long weekend and it's before plane tickets get even more expensive from Dec-May for tourist season. This was openly discussed with them 10 months ago when we got engaged. We decided this date with them so they could be there. Since then, we reviewed every possible options from them driving, leaving their kids with friends/family, and all of them to just my sister traveling. I, even, send them and other family/friends deals I find for airfare. I found tickets just last night for $280/person which is half of what they were a week ago. It seems the only resolution for them coming, in my BIL's eyes, is if we pay for their flights and hotel. We got them $200 ($120/night for a Resort on the Gulf Coast is amazing deal) off their hotel room thanks to my amazing wedding planner, plus the kids eat free. I can afford to buy a plane ticket for her but not everyone as we are paying for our own wedding and just bought a new home. I just feel like if I buy my sister's plane ticket- I should, also, buy my brother's and my MOH. It only seems fair. As for my BIL, he doesn't like me very much (we are two very different people and tend to butt heads, though I always play nice out of respect of my sister and her family) which is a lot of the reason behind him keeping her from coming. I guess things will work out, just wish this could go a bit smoother. Also, just wish they would realize how much we spent on traveling to their wedding 8 years ago. But, it is what it is...
  
  Thanks again!

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• Jen4948 member

  

  September 2015

  Knottie1432695067 said:

  Thank you everyone. I know it's a tough time for people to travel. My sister and BIL are the main reason we chose Thanksgiving, as they are both teachers and have that as a long weekend and it's before plane tickets get even more expensive from Dec-May for tourist season. This was openly discussed with them 10 months ago when we got engaged. We decided this date with them so they could be there. Since then, we reviewed every possible options from them driving, leaving their kids with friends/family, and all of them to just my sister traveling. I, even, send them and other family/friends deals I find for airfare. I found tickets just last night for $280/person which is half of what they were a week ago. It seems the only resolution for them coming, in my BIL's eyes, is if we pay for their flights and hotel. We got them $200 ($120/night for a Resort on the Gulf Coast is amazing deal) off their hotel room thanks to my amazing wedding planner, plus the kids eat free. I can afford to buy a plane ticket for her but not everyone as we are paying for our own wedding and just bought a new home. I just feel like if I buy my sister's plane ticket- I should, also, buy my brother's and my MOH. It only seems fair. As for my BIL, he doesn't like me very much (we are two very different people and tend to butt heads, though I always play nice out of respect of my sister and her family) which is a lot of the reason behind him keeping her from coming. I guess things will work out, just wish this could go a bit smoother. Also, just wish they would realize how much we spent on traveling to their wedding 8 years ago. But, it is what it is...
  
  Thanks again!

  I have to agree with PPs- your BIL is being an asshole. It's too bad your sister puts up with it. I feel sorry for their kids, who when they are older probably will not appreciate the way their parents use them as weapons against other people.

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• *Barbie* member

  

  September 2015

  Pupatella said:

  Knottie1432695067 said:

  Just make it clear. We were allowing our nieces and nephews to come all along due to no other arrangements for their care- even though we wanted this to be child free, as we just want our siblings there. The reason we have it as child free is that it's a later wedding- if kids came, there would be no one left to come to our reception which starts at 7pm (kids usually go to bed 8-9). They are all between the ages of 2-4. We offered to find local sitters to watch the children at the resort but my sister and BIL aren't keen on having anyone babysit their kids- when they don't even do that at home. (They have a hard time trusting their kids under anyone else's care other than their own or family). Most of our family and friends are happy of having a kid free weekend. It's not that kids aren't welcome- it's more the timing and everyone knows that. Thank you for your input!

  I think offering to find a local sitter is incredibly generous, and what I was about to suggest to solve the problem. Unfortunately, that is not a good enough solution for them. I am so sorry that your BIL is being completely ridiculous. What if you offered to pay for half the plane tickets (you are being bullied into this), and then have your BIL watch the two kids, while your sister attends the wedding?

  I wouldn't be paying $280/pp to travel (+hotel) for my kid to sit in a hotel room with a sitter I don't know - almost $600 for the kids to travel for the wedding, and they have to sit in a hotel room? I don't think the OP is doing her guests much of a favor by looking for a local sitter. 

  
  

  My husband and I planned one trip to travel for a wedding where our daughter (and kids in general) was not invited. Since it was in my hometown (where my parents live) we were able to leave her with them, and they got extra grandkid time. (we were planning a trip there anyways - we just pushed it back to coincide with the wedding.) I didn't mind paying her airfare in this case since she was getting family time, and it was an extended trip.

  
  

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• Knottie1432695067 member

  

  September 2015

  The only part they would have a sitter would be during the reception after dinner is served because it'll be close to their bedtime. The only reason we offered the sitter is so my family could enjoy the reception and not have to leave once the dinner is over. This is a small wedding. My nieces and nephew would be welcome to be at the ceremony and everything else. Unfortunately when figuring out the date with my sister, brother in law, brother and sister in law- this was never an issue. They weren't concerned about the kids and the reception- were initially fine about having a sitter but now that's all changed. Not sure if it is because my sister's in laws decided not to come and my brother and sister in law decided to not bring my niece and nephew.
  
  Regardless, things will have a way of working themselves out. I'll be sure she gets there, I'll just pay for her expenses. It's the only way she will be able to go.

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• Teddy917 member

  

  September 2015

  Knottie1432695067 said:

  So in the last 2 days my best friend (MOH) and sister (bridesmaid) have both told me they cannot attend my wedding. My fiancé and I live in Florida and are having a beach wedding here in a little less than 3 months. The issue is that all of my family live in other states and are all having to travel to come. Airfare is not cheap during that time. Knowing that, we are not doing things like bridal shower, bachelor/ette party or anything to add any additional costs to everyone coming. Plus our bridal party gifts are their outfits and accessories for that day.
  Sadly my best friend lost her job and, understandably, cannot afford to come. My sister, on the other hand, just informed me her husband refuses to allow her to come unless I pay for her, him and their 2 children to attend (which this wedding is supposed to be child free). He feels that we should pay at least half and refuses to come, otherwise. I suggested that my sister just come and offered to buy her plane ticket but she won't come by herself in fear she's abandoning and letting down her children.
  I am at a loss. I really can't afford to pay for their travel expenses, as we just bought and moved into a new home and are paying for our wedding. It just breaks my heart not to have them there- more so my sister as both of our parents are deceased and we are all we have left.
  So with that being said, do I try to figure something out to pay for them? Or do I cut my losses and just figure out how to lighten the wedding party? I'm at a loss...

  Their uniforms for your wedding aren't gifts. Their gifts need to be something tailored to each individual girl and not related to your wedding.

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• MesmrEwe member

  

  September 2015

  Here's a head's up... Approximately 50% of the guests at most weddings will take off the second they're done with dinner.  Whether you want them to go or not, they're heading out.  Either they've got something going on the next day, they want to enjoy their time at the resort, they have tired out kids, they need to reorganize their belly button lint, who knows, there are about 50% who will leave within the first hour after dinner.  And that's o.k.! 

  So the kids are invited - clear on that...  So they need to go to bed.  I'll be honest, I would NEVER trust a stranger to put my kids to bed at night.  Sorry, too many creepers in the world, not happening.  Chances are, bedtime is going to go out the window for a wedding and they'll likely stick around until witching hour strikes and go.  Don't project what time they choose to do these things on them, they know what their routine is. 

  $120/night on a Gulf side resort may be nice, however, there are cheaper options in the area maybe not on the beach itself, but they're there.  I've done 11 days in Florida over on the Gulf side for super cheap during tourist season.  My travel motto was "the locals have got to live".  If finances are really the issue, check on cheaper options. 

  It sounds like you need to get to the heart of what the real-world objection is by ONLY talking to your sister.  If she chooses to back out, it'll be on her, not you.  Whether you like BIL or not, something bigger is going on here and you need to figure out what the elephant in the room is.  For example, Is she pregnant with their third and having a rough pregnancy so she's uneasy about traveling?  Are there concerns at work she has but hasn't mentioned to anyone.  Has she put on weight and doesn't like the dress you picked out?  There's an elephant in the room and you've got to get to the bottom of it.  AH BIL isn't the only issue here. 

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