MIL and SIL want to "help"

[Deleted User] · September 2015

I have a small situation with my MIL and SIL. They are two very dear people to me and I love them, but their idea of helping with the planning so far has been to buy stuff (decorations, etc) without asking me or my fiance about it and then we are stuck using it.
For example: we are having cookies in small bowls on our tables at the reception. I just wanted plain little bowls, nothing fancy, so that it wouldn't distract from our decor.
They went out and bought these really fancy, crystal bowls. Not my taste at ALL, and they spent way too much money on something so insignificant!
Of course I will be using the bowls. The fact that they want to help so badly is appreciated.
The ONLY issue I have here is that they keep doing things without asking either of us first - if they had asked me about the bowls, I honestly would have said no. It isn't worth spending that much money on something no one will really notice.

What have yall done to calm down overexcited in-laws?

(And before anyone says it - I know they're just bowls and I appreciate the help... it's just that they often do things without asking.)

Pupatella · September 2015

First, is your MIL paying for your wedding? If so, I would say nothing but "thank you, these are gorgeous!!"

If your MIL is not paying for the wedding, and they just bought a couple of things, I would just let it go. But if it is getting overwhelming with the amount of items they are purchasing for your reception without asking, I would have your FI talk to his Mom and sister about including both of you in the decisions from now on.

As for the bowls, did they know what bowls you were using, and just decided to purchase different ones?

*Barbie* · September 2015

Have you discussed with your FI? What's his take?

If he's in agreement with you/supports you, then have him talk to MIL/SIL. "We really appreciate that you're so excited and willing to help - but this isn't really what we pictured for the wedding...."

(if you really want them to return the bowls this would be the time for him to recommend doing that - "we won't be able to use the bowls, so please try to return them")

if you decide to keep the bowls, but nothing else - "since you already went through the effort to get the bowls, we'll use them, but please check with us before you get anything else (or) let's go shopping as a group for the rest of the supplies" (if you still want to include them).

[Deleted User] · September 2015

No, we are paying for everything aside from two things. My MIL and SIL have generously offered to pay for both the dj and a videographer, since we weren't planning on doing a video.

We are keeping the bowls since they're non-refundable. But there is a language barrier between my MIL and I, so I can't really talk to her about it. My FI said he has talked to them for me, but I'm not really sure if he actually has or not... For me I think this is one of those wait and see kind of things. As long as they don't try to buy anything else, I'll be okay.

I feel like I sound like a total brat right now! But it's just that I like my opinion being considered and I feel like they don't care about my opinions. It's a bunch of little stuff combined.

[Deleted User] · September 2015

My FI thinks I'm being ridiculous and that they're just being nice and trying to help. I keep telling him it's not the help that's the issue, it's the fact that they keep doing stuff without asking either of us first.

zitiqueen · September 2015

sarahjhd said:

My FI thinks I'm being ridiculous and that they're just being nice and trying to help. I keep telling him it's not the help that's the issue, it's the fact that they keep doing stuff without asking either of us first.

Then the problem is with your FI. You both need to get on the same page.

[Deleted User] · September 2015

For him that isn't a problem I guess? They're an extremely close family. He doesn't mind them doing stuff because then he won't have to worry about it. But I've been the one doing most of the planning and work on this wedding, which is fine because I'm a control freak if yall couldn't tell. I'm going to talk to him about all of this tonight and see what he says.

Pupatella · September 2015

You and FI need to come to an agreement on this. If he wants to use the stuff his Mom and sister are buying, then you should support him on that.

I think that if FMIL doesn't see the bowls she purchased out at the reception, there will be some hurt feelings. Not sure what else she has purchased, but you and your FI need to be in agreement on what you will and won't be using.

[Deleted User] · September 2015

Oh I'm definitely using all of the stuff she's bought. I love them, and I know they mean well. I definitely support him wanting to use their decorations because they did spend good money on them.

Its more of just the questions that I'm missing -"do you like these bowls?" "Do you like these favors?" "What about these programs?"
That's all I want!

Pupatella · September 2015

sarahjhd said:

For him that isn't a problem I guess? They're an extremely close family. He doesn't mind them doing stuff because then he won't have to worry about it. But I've been the one doing most of the planning and work on this wedding, which is fine because I'm a control freak if yall couldn't tell. I'm going to talk to him about all of this tonight and see what he says.

This is perfect. Just share what you have been doing with the planning, if he doesn't already know. He may not know all that you have been doing, and thought his Mom and sister were truly helping. Just explain to him how important all of the details are to you, and that you are choosing everything very carefully.

Good luck!!

*Barbie* · September 2015

I'm with @zitiqueen. You really have a FI problem. You guys need to get on the same page.

MesmrEwe · September 2015

Chances are there's more than a language barrier but a cultural one as well.. Yes, you obviously need to talk to your FI and more importantly "let it go" ...

How do you get them on task with doing things how you want them - you give them a task to do to keep them occupied! Some DIY project with an image and the supplies... Table runners, centerpieces, table numbers, Place cards, Monogrammed Aisle Runner, etc.

[Deleted User] · September 2015

We talked about it and we're definitely on the same page. It's just hard for him to tell them that we don't need them to help with every single thing.

They have had plenty of tasks to do. There isn't much else we need to get done because thankfully, everyone has really been on top of it! Yes, in this case the cultural barrier is the "helping"... With my SIL's wedding, everyone helped with every single detail. An aunt did this, a friend did that, so on. So I've met them halfway by letting them help with waaaay more than they needed to. I calmly spoke with his sister today and let her know that she can absolutely talk to me about anything she has questions on, etc. Becsuse I realized today, maybe they do not handle things the exact way I like. But they are sweet and loving people. My FI's been pretty much like the second dad of the family, so all they really want to do is pay him back in any way they can. Even if that means buying bowls I don't like

They want to help with the candleholders. I let them know I already had something in mind. And they said thats fine and they'll help me put together what I want. Yay!!!

[Deleted User] · September 2015

I know all of this sounds SO silly, but my FI's family is extremely close. They do EVERYTHING together and I guess at the root of it I want to know that our wishes are important and will be respected. Thankfully, it seems like that's going to be the case from now on.

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