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Etiquette

Ex's butting in (not either of ours)

In recent weeks FI and I have had some very sad events to tend to involving his side of the family. FI's dad is divorced from FI's step-mother, with whom FI didn't really get along, and she strongly dislikes me. Our wedding is in May and  we have sent STDs to FI's dad, FI's grandparents and siblings/step-siblings without including step-mother or a few of his less-than-desirable other family members. I have only met said family members once or twice a few years back prior to our getting engaged, and subsequent events left me and FI either uninvited, or called 1-2 hours before event start time, so needless to say, we have missed a few family functions.
FF to sad events where everyone is present. FI's step-sister mentioned receiving our STD and step-mother overheard. Now all of a sudden she wants to know where is hers, and did we invite XYZ....My polite response was "This is not the place/time to talk about our wedding/guest list." Since then, FI's dad has been hounding him about the "right thing" to do, ex-wife is nagging about it, just suck it up. FI and I are paying for this wedding 100%, and do not feel we should invite those with whom neither of us is close. I have a list of family members who did not make the cut and am handling those gripes by simply stating "I haven't seen/spoken to *blah* in over 2 years and *blah* is not invited. I'm sorry this is not acceptable to you; however, we have a budget and we feel that only those who are nearest and dearest should be invited." I understand that FI should be the one to handle his dad, but I feel that he is going to cave. We have already had a discussion regarding "friends" his dad said "have to be" invited, and I stood my ground on our budget, capacity of our venue, and the fact that I would have to remove the only 3 friends I have invited in order to accommodate these people his dad knew from a job he had 10 years ago.
I guess I'm asking, when (if ever) would it be appropriate for me to step in and steer things away from getting out of hand? I do not want a group of people (my side or his) to cause drama, a scene, or worse, and those who have been cut from the guest list are the type that drama (and usually the authorities) follows like a cloud of stink on a skunk. Help?

Re: Ex's butting in (not either of ours)

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers

    Tell your FI to say the following whenever the subject of your guest list comes up: "I'm sorry, but it isn't possible for us to invite every single person whose name has come up that we would have liked.  We're sorry if this has resulted in hurt feelings.  That said, the guest list for our wedding is a closed subject and we're not willing to discuss it or hear complaints.  We hope that regardless of who is or isn't there that everyone is able to enjoy the day and be there for us."

    SP29Knottie1430965129PupatellaInLoveInQueens
  • I will try this. Thank you :) ... it is much easier for me to say that to my side of the family as I have learned (unfortunately) to stand my ground in spite of guilt tripping and "you're 30, what have you DONE with your life??" 
  • You're definitely right that you don't HAVE to invite anyone you don't want to. It seems odd to me ex-step mom would want to come if she isn't close to FI and yourself... but anyway.

    I second what Jen said. I think this still needs to come from your FI, as otherwise it makes you look like the bad guy who is *forcing* your FI to agree with you. But you can definitely tell him what to say.
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    In recent weeks FI and I have had some very sad events to tend to involving his side of the family. FI's dad is divorced from FI's step-mother, with whom FI didn't really get along, and she strongly dislikes me. Our wedding is in May and  we have sent STDs to FI's dad, FI's grandparents and siblings/step-siblings without including step-mother or a few of his less-than-desirable other family members. I have only met said family members once or twice a few years back prior to our getting engaged, and subsequent events left me and FI either uninvited, or called 1-2 hours before event start time, so needless to say, we have missed a few family functions.
    FF to sad events where everyone is present. FI's step-sister mentioned receiving our STD and step-mother overheard. Now all of a sudden she wants to know where is hers, and did we invite XYZ....My polite response was "This is not the place/time to talk about our wedding/guest list." Since then, FI's dad has been hounding him about the "right thing" to do, ex-wife is nagging about it, just suck it up. FI and I are paying for this wedding 100%, and do not feel we should invite those with whom neither of us is close. I have a list of family members who did not make the cut and am handling those gripes by simply stating "I haven't seen/spoken to *blah* in over 2 years and *blah* is not invited. I'm sorry this is not acceptable to you; however, we have a budget and we feel that only those who are nearest and dearest should be invited." I understand that FI should be the one to handle his dad, but I feel that he is going to cave. We have already had a discussion regarding "friends" his dad said "have to be" invited, and I stood my ground on our budget, capacity of our venue, and the fact that I would have to remove the only 3 friends I have invited in order to accommodate these people his dad knew from a job he had 10 years ago.
    I guess I'm asking, when (if ever) would it be appropriate for me to step in and steer things away from getting out of hand? I do not want a group of people (my side or his) to cause drama, a scene, or worse, and those who have been cut from the guest list are the type that drama (and usually the authorities) follows like a cloud of stink on a skunk. Help?

    I will try this. Thank you :) ... it is much easier for me to say that to my side of the family as I have learned (unfortunately) to stand my ground in spite of guilt tripping and "you're 30, what have you DONE with your life??" 
    If needed, try to remove the middle person between FI and ex-stepmom about the invitation.  In this case, it sounds like FIL.  So have FI encourage FIL to have ex-stepmom contact him directly.  She is being rude by asking for an invitation, so while typically its not nice to tell someone they aren't invited, you should do this to ex-stepmom.  Use some of the language PP gave you.
  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    In recent weeks FI and I have had some very sad events to tend to involving his side of the family. FI's dad is divorced from FI's step-mother, with whom FI didn't really get along, and she strongly dislikes me. Our wedding is in May and  we have sent STDs to FI's dad, FI's grandparents and siblings/step-siblings without including step-mother or a few of his less-than-desirable other family members. I have only met said family members once or twice a few years back prior to our getting engaged, and subsequent events left me and FI either uninvited, or called 1-2 hours before event start time, so needless to say, we have missed a few family functions.
    FF to sad events where everyone is present. FI's step-sister mentioned receiving our STD and step-mother overheard. Now all of a sudden she wants to know where is hers, and did we invite XYZ....My polite response was "This is not the place/time to talk about our wedding/guest list." Since then, FI's dad has been hounding him about the "right thing" to do, ex-wife is nagging about it, just suck it up. FI and I are paying for this wedding 100%, and do not feel we should invite those with whom neither of us is close. I have a list of family members who did not make the cut and am handling those gripes by simply stating "I haven't seen/spoken to *blah* in over 2 years and *blah* is not invited. I'm sorry this is not acceptable to you; however, we have a budget and we feel that only those who are nearest and dearest should be invited." I understand that FI should be the one to handle his dad, but I feel that he is going to cave. We have already had a discussion regarding "friends" his dad said "have to be" invited, and I stood my ground on our budget, capacity of our venue, and the fact that I would have to remove the only 3 friends I have invited in order to accommodate these people his dad knew from a job he had 10 years ago.
    I guess I'm asking, when (if ever) would it be appropriate for me to step in and steer things away from getting out of hand? I do not want a group of people (my side or his) to cause drama, a scene, or worse, and those who have been cut from the guest list are the type that drama (and usually the authorities) follows like a cloud of stink on a skunk. Help?
    Yeah it is totally inappropriate for FFIL to expect you to invite colleagues he worked with a decade ago to a wedding he isn't paying for. No is a complete sentence, and your FI has to not be bullied into inviting people he doesn't want to. And there is certainly no reason you have to exclude your friends for people you don't even know. 

    Sometimes you just have to be firm and FI has to say "Dad, this is our wedding and we are paying for it. Our guest list is not up for discussion and we can't invite everyone, now how about last night's football game."

    It was incredibly rude for ex Step mom to fish for an invite when only STD have gone out. STD are usually only for VIPs, though some people (like me) send them to every guest.


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    [Deleted User]
  • "I'm sorry, but we are at the maximum capacity allowed by our venue and our budget, and since STDs have already been sent no one can be removed from the list in order to accommodate XXX."
    [Deleted User]Pupatella
  • Thanks for all the advice :). I definitely don't want to come off as "the B" FI is marrying. Ex-stepmom is one of those "I have to be involved in everything, and everyone has to know I know you" people, I was on one of my clinical rotations with my entire group and instructor and she felt the need to interrupt bc she saw me and "wanted to say hi."  FFIL has voiced his (asinine) opinion on marriage to FI multiple times to which FI ever so kindly reminds him they are not the same person and we understand the meaning of working TOGETHER as a TEAM to build our relationship and marriage stronger.
    I will pass these suggestions on to FI and hopefully nothing more becomes of the issue.
  • APDSS22APDSS22 O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A is OK member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    OP, if you feel your FI wavering, remind him that you don't need to spend $$$ inviting an unpleasant woman who is no longer married to his father to your wedding. When calculating, make sure you add the cost of the table, chair, linen rental, food, alcohol, invitation, centerpiece, etc. down to the stamp on the invite. Also, hanging up on his father is an option if it's too much.

  • In recent weeks FI and I have had some very sad events to tend to involving his side of the family. FI's dad is divorced from FI's step-mother, with whom FI didn't really get along, and she strongly dislikes me. Our wedding is in May and  we have sent STDs to FI's dad, FI's grandparents and siblings/step-siblings without including step-mother or a few of his less-than-desirable other family members. I have only met said family members once or twice a few years back prior to our getting engaged, and subsequent events left me and FI either uninvited, or called 1-2 hours before event start time, so needless to say, we have missed a few family functions.
    FF to sad events where everyone is present. FI's step-sister mentioned receiving our STD and step-mother overheard. Now all of a sudden she wants to know where is hers, and did we invite XYZ....My polite response was "This is not the place/time to talk about our wedding/guest list." Since then, FI's dad has been hounding him about the "right thing" to do, ex-wife is nagging about it, just suck it up. FI and I are paying for this wedding 100%, and do not feel we should invite those with whom neither of us is close. I have a list of family members who did not make the cut and am handling those gripes by simply stating "I haven't seen/spoken to *blah* in over 2 years and *blah* is not invited. I'm sorry this is not acceptable to you; however, we have a budget and we feel that only those who are nearest and dearest should be invited." I understand that FI should be the one to handle his dad, but I feel that he is going to cave. We have already had a discussion regarding "friends" his dad said "have to be" invited, and I stood my ground on our budget, capacity of our venue, and the fact that I would have to remove the only 3 friends I have invited in order to accommodate these people his dad knew from a job he had 10 years ago.
    I guess I'm asking, when (if ever) would it be appropriate for me to step in and steer things away from getting out of hand? I do not want a group of people (my side or his) to cause drama, a scene, or worse, and those who have been cut from the guest list are the type that drama (and usually the authorities) follows like a cloud of stink on a skunk. Help?
    Yeah it is totally inappropriate for FFIL to expect you to invite colleagues he worked with a decade ago to a wedding he isn't paying for. No is a complete sentence, and your FI has to not be bullied into inviting people he doesn't want to. And there is certainly no reason you have to exclude your friends for people you don't even know. 

    Sometimes you just have to be firm and FI has to say "Dad, this is our wedding and we are paying for it. Our guest list is not up for discussion and we can't invite everyone, now how about last night's football game."

    It was incredibly rude for ex Step mom to fish for an invite when only STD have gone out. STD are usually only for VIPs, though some people (like me) send them to every guest.


    This.  Just tell your FI it's okay to say, No.  You Need to invite this person.  No.  This person will be hurt if you don't invite her.  No.
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