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How has being rude to guests gotten so common?

lembasloverlembaslover member
First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment First Answer
in Snarky Brides
So my parents have recently been to two weddings that are just full of etiquette blunders and my FI and I are invited to one in a couple weeks which I am already seeing issues with. I'm not sure if I was just blind before coming on the knot or if these are just becoming more common. Anyways thought I'd share.


1st Wedding my parents went to this summer:
1. They were invited verbally because the bride (daughter of a family friend) had received too many declines. They were told that the area held 100 but that they were numbers 107 and 108 and hoped that they could be squeezed in... Not even sure why you would invite extra people due to declines if you were already over capacity but for some reason my parents accepted.
2. They get there a little before 3 the scheduled start time and the bride doesn't arrive until 4:30. To appease the people waiting the groom comes and gets the bar started so everyone is drunk without food before the ceremony even begins.
3. Dinner isn't served until after 6:30, people have been drinking on empty stomachs for a good 3.5 hours now.

I'm sure there were more issues but those are just the ones I got from my parents.


2nd Wedding my parents went to:
1. My dad went to the bachelor party which had raffles and other fundraising for the groom. He thought it was fun he won whiskey and beer.
2.Again wedding started late. Everyone was there but it started 45 minutes after the time on the invite.
3.They told me that it was in an old house so the close family/friends was seated on the first floor and co-workers (my father) and extended family/friends were on a balcony on the second floor. It was a buffet so they had to go downstairs to get food and then carry it back up the stairs. 


Wedding FI and I are going to in a couple of weeks:
1.There is a minimum 2.5 hr gap between ceremony and reception (this is assuming a very long ceremony)
2.The invite says tthat there will be a cash bar at the reception (at least there's a warning I guess...) and includes a link to their registry - you guessed it a honeymoon registry...

They are coming to our wedding 2 weeks later so we are going. I'm less than excited about the experience but at least my expectations are low so it can only get better.. right? I'm also worried b/c they didn't have a section for meal choice so they are probably having a buffet but as I'm a vegetarian and due to current etiquette overlooks I'm wondering if I'll be surviving on salad and cornbread for the night.
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Re: How has being rude to guests gotten so common?

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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    This is now seen as acceptable because these people love you so they should be fine with being treated like dirt and "ZOMG it is our super special day so we are the only one's that matter!!!"

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    thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 member
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    I've observed two things.

    Either the weddings are better as we get older, because people know how they felt going to etiquette-hell weddings previously and don't want to put their loved ones through that crap or....

    A couple says, "Well, every other wedding was this way so I'm going to do that too."

    Fortunately, for me, the weddings have gotten better as I've gotten older. The worst, prevailing issue is still gaps but I can deal with that. 
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    lembasloverlembaslover member
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    thisismynickname said:
    I've observed two things.

    Either the weddings are better as we get older, because people know how they felt going to etiquette-hell weddings previously and don't want to put their loved ones through that crap or....

    A couple says, "Well, every other wedding was this way so I'm going to do that too."

    Fortunately, for me, the weddings have gotten better as I've gotten older. The worst, prevailing issue is still gaps but I can deal with that. 

    Well the second wedding that my parents went to was for people in the 40s, second wedding for both parties. In fact when I said that's so rude how do they not know better by now? My parents used the fact that it was a second wedding as an excuse! I don't care if it's your first, second, or 10th wedding, there are resources on how to properly host your guests.
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    banana468banana468 member
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    I think we are getting to an age where it's increasingly "bad" to correct people.

    We have parents who think that they're supposed to be the friend of their children instead of being an authority figure.   We contradict the authority figures because we know better.

    Is there any shock that people are doing rude, self-serving things and no one speaks up.   Instead, we smile and talk of their individuality.

    And as we do all of this, we still need to be better than those around us.   So our weddings are more ornate and "bigger" but hosts do this in a selfish way.   So the up-lighting, monogram and dress changes all take place in an expensive hotel where you pay for your drinks. 

    FWIW, I don't think it's all that bad to carry your food to a second floor though.  I think that's starting to get picky. 
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    aliwis000aliwis000 member
    5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper First Comment
    edited September 2015
    I think its just another example of the "me me me" mindset we have in our culture. People, in general, think they are much more important than they are. Add on to that getting married and what the "buy buy buy/spend spend spend" industry we have created and BOOM - people who think that they are above etiquette and good manners.

    The problem people are the ones who think that, some how, getting married makes them special, like they have accomplished something worthy of others respect. And with this undiserved sense of respect they acquire some sort of entitlement. Sorry, getting married is not something I respect anyone for nor does it entitle you to act like a brat. (Staying married and family/friends that celebrate their 15,25, 30, 50 year anniversary, now that is different.) Now will I celebrate with you, of course! Will I send you a gift and, with my whole heart, wish you nothing but happiness? Absolutely! This is a big adult choice and will change your life forever so of course we should recognize it! But respect is different, this is not something I respect you for, nor is it something that took time/effort/skill to achieve. Getting married takes none of these.

    Sorry for the vent but I truly think this is the problem. It is my guess that people who have terrible etiquette at their weddings generally have bad manners all the time. It just gets highlighted at a big event like this, plus they have the opportunity to piss people off on a mass scale.
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    lembasloverlembaslover member
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    banana468 said:
    I think we are getting to an age where it's increasingly "bad" to correct people.

    We have parents who think that they're supposed to be the friend of their children instead of being an authority figure.   We contradict the authority figures because we know better.

    Is there any shock that people are doing rude, self-serving things and no one speaks up.   Instead, we smile and talk of their individuality.

    And as we do all of this, we still need to be better than those around us.   So our weddings are more ornate and "bigger" but hosts do this in a selfish way.   So the up-lighting, monogram and dress changes all take place in an expensive hotel where you pay for your drinks. 

    FWIW, I don't think it's all that bad to carry your food to a second floor though.  I think that's starting to get picky. 
    I agree that is getting kind of picky but the one thing my parents were actually unhappy about, with it being an old house they said the stairs were really narrow and curved and it was difficult to get up them with a plate and drink. The real problem is that it was only the second level guests who had to do it. And it was quite clear who was considered important enough to be on the first floor. It's my hope that no one looks at our reception and is like well clearly those are the important people to the couple. If you get an invite you should be considered important enough to be treated the same. 
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    anjemonanjemon member
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    I honestly think some of it is that people don't get taught most of this anymore. If it's not something your parents care about, you probably don't hear a bunch of these rules. Then you have to really think about whether things are rude to realize they are. 

    And some of them make things easier. Having a gap is easier on planning (for the bride) and you can do pictures at another location or something fun. You get so caught up in doing everything you want to do that you don't think about how bored a guest will be sitting on their butt for 2 hours while you traipse around town.

    Obviously that doesn't apply to being so late to your own wedding. I can't imagine. I'm a late person, I'll arrive at the end of my window (if I say between 2 - 3, it'll be 3:00) and I have trouble arriving at 8:00 (I'm always 5 - 10 minutes late). And I'm pretty sure my wedding started exactly on time. Weddings are the sort of thing you should be on time for, especially when you're the bride.
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    southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
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    I think the easy answer is: Wedding Industry. 

    Weddings have been marketed as all about the once in a lifetime "super speshul princess day". And the perfect dress, the right colors, the best flowers, the most popular BM dresses, the trendiest menus..... It's all about "stuff" and having the perfect day. There's this attitude that they get a free pass for the day because it's THEIR day to basically do whatever they want.

    I think people just get so wrapped up in it that they forget about what's actually important: their new relationship and their post-wedding relationships with their closest family/friends. Because after the party is over, they're left with any consequences of how they treated people. 
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    lnixon8lnixon8 member
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    I was just talking to a European man this weekend in an airport. He was cracking up laughing about how Americans think they "deserve" everything. He was talking more about people treating themselves, vocally saying they deserve it but offering no explanation- whether it's an expensive drink or designer cars and purses they can't afford. What exactly did you do to "deserve" a 800 calorie fat bomb-accinno? Walked the dog? Studied for a test? Just say you want it, because you certainly don't "deserve" a photo booth or Caribbean honeymoon.

    I think mere exposure to insane weddings without knowing what goes into them can catch people off guard. Which happens to most people I think, but it's the people that don't scale back on things for themselves but let guests suffer that really suck.

    My dad owns a liquor store so my top shelf beer truck, wine and drinks was pretty much expected but I am glad I sure as hell wouldn't trade that and my ikea lantern/fake flower centerpieces for a cash bar and giant peony centerpieces.

    More exposure also means that fb wedding groups and pinterest give people "acceptable" ways to be rude. As long as you did it, or you received it and weren't offended, it must not be rude! I'm invited to a child's first birthday in 2 weeks and just got a followup email that instead of a card to bring a book! Kohls has these really cute book/stuffed animal combos (if you give a mouse a cookie) that I already bought as the gift itself! I'm sure someone saw that and thought it was really "cute"- but I hate seeing stuff like that even at a shower!



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    charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Sadly I've experienced the same things this summer. Went to two outdoor weddings, neither of which had anywhere near enough seating (he first had seating for maybe 50-75 and a guest list of around 300 the second had 50 chairs and 150 guests). Outside, blazing sun, no shade, no water and both started at least 25 minutes late.
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    julieanne912julieanne912 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Just had my wedding on Saturday.  More than one person was completely astonished that we were not asking people to pay for their drinks.  It's like people are used to being treated rudely at this point.
    Married 9.12.15
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    thefanciestbecklerthefanciestbeckler member
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    edited September 2015
    Yeah... I am sad to say that one of my own family members is having a wedding filled with poor etiquette.

    She did not do a HoneyFund, but she did some kind of online registry and it had a specific place asking for cash donations for her honeymoon.... That she is not taking until Spring or Summer of 2016. Now in my opinion, there is this adult thing that you could do called saving your money for a vacation instead of asking your guests to pay for something that you have 8+ months to budget for.

    Her invitations also specify that there will be a cash bar and dessert reception. I'd be totally cool with a dessert reception if her wedding wasn't right at dinner time.

    ETF words

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    lerowebleroweb member
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    I honestly think it happens because you one person does it others begin to think it's okay.
    In my family it's very common to have a gap because of catholic ceremonies dictating the Time of the wedding. Most are okay but one cousin did it but every other wedding now has had a huge gap.
    With my wedding I'm going to hopefully set a standard hopefully
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    lembasloverlembaslover member
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    leroweb said:
    I honestly think it happens because you one person does it others begin to think it's okay. In my family it's very common to have a gap because of catholic ceremonies dictating the Time of the wedding. Most are okay but one cousin did it but every other wedding now has had a huge gap. With my wedding I'm going to hopefully set a standard hopefully
    I'm hoping ours does this too! Luckily we're one of the first (there's only been 3 others in the past 2 years) in our group of friends/families to get married so I'm hoping the rest of our friends see what a properly hosted wedding looks like and follows suit... Unfortunately my brother and his FI are already talking about a PPD... 
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    futurecptkirkfuturecptkirk member
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    +1 on the whole pinterest/WIC thing. Even TK posts those articles like how to have an over the top reception and it makes you think "oh is mine going to be boring because I paid for food and booze rather than a 15 piece mariachi band with fire dancers??" I still think at the end of the day cash bar is the WORST thing you can do to me at a wedding. I will leave early. Honeyfund is probably the least offensive to me, warranting an eye roll and maybe a snarky comment to myself or FI if he is around. 
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    People don't even know what a reception is for. I was sharing our buffer menu with a diabetic guest to ensure they had enough to eat. She was like, "gosh so nice of you to ask." I responded with the reception being a thank you to our guests and wanting to host them well. She was liken "no, it's a celebration of you guys." Um- no, that was the wedding...
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