Anxiety rant... e-party, save-the-dates, etc.

spockforprez · September 2015

Everything about this wedding, I feel self-conscious about. I constantly feel like apologizing over anything to do with it, even posting here or on other forums.

Yesterday we had an engagement party thrown by my aunt, NINE MONTHS after we got engaged. I was mortified when the invites went out. Out of 10 guests invited from FH's side, only his parents showed up--his family, including us, lives about 1.5 hours away from my hometown where the e-party was and where the wedding will be, so I can understand why they didn't want to make the drive. It just made me feel bad for my FH and made me feel even more self-conscious AW about the party. I kept wanting to apologize to the aunt who hosted it, even though I had nothing to do with the planning whatsoever. Another aunt at the party said when she was leaving, "Thanks for giving us plenty of time to get this party together!" referring to how long we'd been engaged already. GAHHHH so embarrassing.
People brought gifts to the party. I was very upset because my FMIL called us about a week ago asking where we were registered so they could bring a gift yesterday. I was shocked as I had no idea anyone thought it was a gift-giving party, and told her that the party was just for the families and WP to get together, and was not meant for gifts. So there I am opening gifts from my side of the family while she watches. I wanted to melt into a puddle. We also just had a housewarming party about six weeks ago with pretty much the same guest list, so I felt like an ass to get two gifts from the same set of people in under 2 months.
I made a total, complete ass of myself by doing the whole wedding cake-cutting and feeding thing with the e-party cake. I got confused because when the cake came out my cousins said for us to come over and cut the first piece, but to wait for my aunt so she could take pictures. That made me think it was a ceremonial thing, and in my mind, I just went for the only "ceremonial" cake cutting thing I knew about. About halfway through I realized that is a WEDDING DAY thing, what the fuck was I doing, and I was so embarrassed. I grabbed my half of the cupcake (it was a cupcake cake) from my FH's hand and ate it and walked away.
Cousin posted photos of the whole thing on fb. My aunt only invited family and members of the WP. I hate having wedding-related things on fb. I hid everything from my own timeline, but FH, my parents, aunts, cousins, and brothers were tagged in everything, so it did no good. Plus, a lot of the photos were very unflattering (sitting down opening gifts) and made me feel like crap.
We finally mailed save-the-dates Saturday (had wanted to do them in July but issues with photographer). People should start getting them tomorrow and my stomach is in knots. I've been obsessively proof-reading our website over and over, changing pictures, changing wording. I am so terrified of being judged by our guests, and I can't figure out why.

I'm a hot mess, and trying to resist the urge to apologize for posting. Thank god, nothing else is planned for our wedding until my b-party/shower in April.

luckya23 · September 2015

I really get the feeling that most people out in the real world (not on TK) don't know much or care much about perfect wedding etiquette. Especially these things you have no control over - don't worry about it!

My MIL is an etiquette mess herself, but she suggested starting to plan an engagement/1 year anniversary party for BIL/us next summer... which would be a year after their engagement and about 2 months before their wedding! Derrrrrrr

spockforprez · September 2015

luckya23 said:

I really get the feeling that most people out in the real world (not on TK) don't know much or care much about perfect wedding etiquette. Especially these things you have no control over - don't worry about it!
My MIL is an etiquette mess herself, but she suggested starting to plan an engagement/1 year anniversary party for BIL/us next summer... which would be a year after their engagement and about 2 months before their wedding! Derrrrrrr

Thanks! I think it's not so much the etiquette side of things as feeling self-conscious about the attention or effort people have to put in, or that they will think our wedding is lame. For the most part we are doing it all properly, as far as I know.

To the bolded, yikes! At least we have more than 8 months left to our wedding! Between that e-party and any pre-wedding events like a shower, that would be a lot of celebrating within 8 weeks of the wedding.

lnixon8 · September 2015

I just went to me MOH's engagement party and she felt the same way. She was sweaty and nervous all day. I'm her MOH and when H asked to see my speech while we were driving over there I was laughing uncontrollably.

OliveOilsMom · September 2015

spockforprez said:

Everything about this wedding, I feel self-conscious about. I constantly feel like apologizing over anything to do with it, even posting here or on other forums.

Yesterday we had an engagement party thrown by my aunt, NINE MONTHS after we got engaged. I was mortified when the invites went out. Out of 10 guests invited from FH's side, only his parents showed up--his family, including us, lives about 1.5 hours away from my hometown where the e-party was and where the wedding will be, so I can understand why they didn't want to make the drive. It just made me feel bad for my FH and made me feel even more self-conscious AW about the party. I kept wanting to apologize to the aunt who hosted it, even though I had nothing to do with the planning whatsoever. Another aunt at the party said when she was leaving, "Thanks for giving us plenty of time to get this party together!" referring to how long we'd been engaged already. GAHHHH so embarrassing.
People brought gifts to the party. I was very upset because my FMIL called us about a week ago asking where we were registered so they could bring a gift yesterday. I was shocked as I had no idea anyone thought it was a gift-giving party, and told her that the party was just for the families and WP to get together, and was not meant for gifts. So there I am opening gifts from my side of the family while she watches. I wanted to melt into a puddle. We also just had a housewarming party about six weeks ago with pretty much the same guest list, so I felt like an ass to get two gifts from the same set of people in under 2 months.
I made a total, complete ass of myself by doing the whole wedding cake-cutting and feeding thing with the e-party cake. I got confused because when the cake came out my cousins said for us to come over and cut the first piece, but to wait for my aunt so she could take pictures. That made me think it was a ceremonial thing, and in my mind, I just went for the only "ceremonial" cake cutting thing I knew about. About halfway through I realized that is a WEDDING DAY thing, what the fuck was I doing, and I was so embarrassed. I grabbed my half of the cupcake (it was a cupcake cake) from my FH's hand and ate it and walked away.
Cousin posted photos of the whole thing on fb. My aunt only invited family and members of the WP. I hate having wedding-related things on fb. I hid everything from my own timeline, but FH, my parents, aunts, cousins, and brothers were tagged in everything, so it did no good. Plus, a lot of the photos were very unflattering (sitting down opening gifts) and made me feel like crap.
We finally mailed save-the-dates Saturday (had wanted to do them in July but issues with photographer). People should start getting them tomorrow and my stomach is in knots. I've been obsessively proof-reading our website over and over, changing pictures, changing wording. I am so terrified of being judged by our guests, and I can't figure out why.
I'm a hot mess, and trying to resist the urge to apologize for posting. Thank god, nothing else is planned for our wedding until my b-party/shower in April.

I think you just need to relax and breath. These things you are obsessing about are no big deal. It sounds more like you have some anxiety about being center of attention.

Sometimes e-parties aren't thrown right away, that just happens. Also, it depends on the area, but sometimes they are gift giving occasions and sometimes they are not. Just get your TYs out to the people that did give you a gift.

Also, it is traditional at most parties for the guests of honor to cut the cake. So since you and FI were the guests of honor, it makes sense for you to both cut the cake. I also don't think its a big deal to then feed each other a small bit of the cake.

I also think your timeline on STDs is fine, 6-9 months is generally the standard timeframe and you seem to be within that range.

So again, I think you just need to calm down. You are being too critical on yourself and that is not fair to you. You have never planned a wedding before (right?), so how would you know how anything is supposed to go?

peachy13 · September 2015

I think you're being too hard on yourself. Your e-party doesn't sound like it was bad at all, I don't think I really see any harm done. My mother threw us one 8 months after we got engaged and everyone brought gifts and I panicked, thinking it was coming off as gift grabby. I later realized that our guests were pretty excited to be part of our wedding celebrations and actually wanted to be there. My mom hosted everyone properly and the party was an excellent preview of our wedding. One of FI's uncles still tells me (over a year later) how much fun he had. I sent thank yous out quickly and properly and in my memory, my e-party was a really awesome day.

I also, in the early stages of planning, was really anxious about making things perfect and making sure I didn't do something stupid like make a dumb etiquette slip-up. I promise you it will pass. You sound like you know the do's and don'ts of wedding planning, and I would try not to worry so much. Do your best to enjoy your engagement. If you know something is spelled right and ready to go, buy it and put it out of your mind.

julieanne912 · September 2015

I started to have the same feelings when I was around 3 months out, and sorrybutnotsorry, I partly blame TK. Reading posts here, you start to think EVERYONE will judge/sideeye/snark every last little detail (cause let's be honest, that's what we do here). I took a bit of a TK break at that point and that helped a lot.

I also felt super awkward at my shower since I'm not a center of attention kind of person. There was only 15 people there and I still felt like I ignored a few people (which I know I really didn't but I seriously felt so guilty for not sitting down and having a conversation with each guest). But, we received nothing but positive feedback about what a nice time everyone had.

Like peachy13 mentioned, most guests are just happy to celebrate with you, even if you have some moments of awkwardness.

spockforprez · September 2015

Thanks, all. I appreciate the pep talks! I'm an extrovert and usually have no issue with attention or feeling embarrassed, but I've had trouble during my engagement for some reason. In general I have a very strong paranoia about people doing things out of a sense of obligation rather than sincerity (when it comes to their relationships with me) and I think all the "CELEBRATE ME" feelings that accompany engagement has just heightened that.

@julieanne912, maybe so! I might try to detach from wedding media for a bit.

lyndausvi · September 2015

I think you are overthinking and being really hard on yourself.

1) Time frame seems fine too me. Don't feel bad that not a lot of people attended from your FI's side.. Many people will not drive to an OOT e-party. Heck, I'm not sure I would. Doesn't mean they will not come to the wedding.

2) Some people bring gifts to e-parties. You are not ass for accepting them. You would have been an ass for asking, but not accepting. Stop being hard on yourself.

3) the guest of honor often cuts the cake. NBD

4) You can not control what people put on FB. The only thing you can do is make yourself un-tag-able. Normal people also get the concept that no everyone is invited to everything and do not think twice about seeing pictures from a party they didn't attend.

5) Step away from the website. I'm sure it's fine. Honestly, I think less people read it then you realize anyway.

Just step back and relax. As long as you are hosting people properly it's all good.

PandaNikki · September 2015

I get where you are coming from with the anxiety and worrying about being judged. I've had to learn that people don't remember every detail of everything I said and did the way that I do, and most of the things that I obsess over/am embarrassed about (like your cake cutting thing) are things that nobody really remembers/cares about.

I ended up getting super irritated about the way mine ended up being an engagement party. Right after we got engaged (and before we announced our engagement), DH and I bought our house. We were excited and about a month after we bought it we wanted to have a housewarming party. We invited all of our families and friends. Somehow my MIL got the impression that this was an engagement party that she was throwing at our house and got all controlling. Me not being able to say no/not wanting to upset her ended up going along with it. She insisted we make a registry (I made a half-assed one of gift cards on a generic registry website)- we had no intention of this being a gift thing, we just wanted to show our new house to our family and friends. Then she got mad when I called it a housewarming registry and insisted I add "engagement" in there. She had a banner and all sorts of stuff and my favorite part was when people were leaving- she started thanking people like my mother for coming to my party at my house.

I still feel embarrassed when I think about it- people buying gifts, my party being taken over, some people maybe thinking I threw myself an engagement party which was not the intention, etc.. but I'm sure all anyone else remembers is seeing my house, meeting the other side of the family (it was really the first time our extended families met), and celebrating DH and myself.

spockforprez · September 2015

lyndausvi said:

I think you are overthinking and being really hard on yourself.

1) Time frame seems fine too me. Don't feel bad that not a lot of people attended from your FI's side.. Many people will not drive to an OOT e-party. Heck, I'm not sure I would. Doesn't mean they will not come to the wedding.

2) Some people bring gifts to e-parties. You are not ass for accepting them. You would have been an ass for asking, but not accepting. Stop being hard on yourself.

3) the guest of honor often cuts the cake. NBD

4) You can not control what people put on FB. The only thing you can do is make yourself un-tag-able. Normal people also get the concept that no everyone is invited to everything and do not think twice about seeing pictures from a party they didn't attend.

5) Step away from the website. I'm sure it's fine. Honestly, I think less people read it then you realize anyway.

Just step back and relax. As long as you are hosting people properly it's all good.

Thanks for the reassurances. I felt embarrassed by the time frame for the e-party mostly because no one mentioned it until my cousin got engaged and people started planning things for her. I think that made them realize FH and I hadn't had anything, so my aunt insisted we do something. I felt it was conspicuous and made me look competitive with my cousin. Not that anyone said anything to me like that, just my many neuroses at work.

I felt bad for my FMIL because I specifically told her that the party was not for gifts (because she asked). I felt like I put her in an awkward position. Thankfully, my mom didn't give us a gift either so hopefully this is, again, all in my head and FMIL was fine with it.

Other than my general issues with anxiety, I'm not sure why everything is such a huge deal with this stupid engagement. My cousin is having two e-parties back to back in October so maybe I can project all my nervous energy onto her parties instead. :P

spockforprez · September 2015

PandaNikki said:

I get where you are coming from with the anxiety and worrying about being judged. I've had to learn that people don't remember every detail of everything I said and did the way that I do, and most of the things that I obsess over/am embarrassed about (like your cake cutting thing) are things that nobody really remembers/cares about.

I ended up getting super irritated about the way mine ended up being an engagement party. Right after we got engaged (and before we announced our engagement), DH and I bought our house. We were excited and about a month after we bought it we wanted to have a housewarming party. We invited all of our families and friends. Somehow my MIL got the impression that this was an engagement party that she was throwing at our house and got all controlling. Me not being able to say no/not wanting to upset her ended up going along with it. She insisted we make a registry (I made a half-assed one of gift cards on a generic registry website)- we had no intention of this being a gift thing, we just wanted to show our new house to our family and friends. Then she got mad when I called it a housewarming registry and insisted I add "engagement" in there. She had a banner and all sorts of stuff and my favorite part was when people were leaving- she started thanking people like my mother for coming to my party at my house.

I still feel embarrassed when I think about it- people buying gifts, my party being taken over, some people maybe thinking I threw myself an engagement party which was not the intention, etc.. but I'm sure all anyone else remembers is seeing my house, meeting the other side of the family (it was really the first time our extended families met), and celebrating DH and myself.

Thank you so much. This really hits on how I feel. I KNOW it's irrational but the embarrassment is still there.

Anxiety rant... e-party, save-the-dates, etc.

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