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Wedding 911
luckystraw
member
Wedding may be postponed or cancelled
in Wedding 911
So, this is kind of a long story, but I'll compress it as much as possible. The events leading up to this have been going on for about 3 months, but this development just hit us about a week ago and it could go either way. However, the panic is strong in this one.
My FI and I have been engaged for some time, around a year and a half. We worked with a $5000 budget for our wedding and booked all of our vendors, putting money aside each month to make payments and put money away for the final payments and so on. In February we started having heavy financial problems and after a while, our entire living and wedding budget was being spilled into making sure my car is not repoed and we are not evicted. While we're not really worried about having to move (we both have parents that would welcome us with open arms) we've gotten to the point that we may have to postpone or even cancel our wedding.
We applied for a loan in the past two weeks to pay off our debts as well as take care of our remaining wedding expenses, but we have yet to hear an answer. With 63 days left until the wedding and nothing completely paid for except for my gown and our wedding bands (thank god for Etsy! We got our wedding bands for only $70), I'm beginning to panic. If the loan is indeed denied, we will definitely have to postpone or cancel. If we're approved, Whoohoo, party time! But with 63 days I have very little time to plan for a cancellation if it does indeed happen. While it's hitting me hard at the thought of having to cancel, I'm trying to plan ahead so that I'm prepared.
I'm posting to basically ask if anyone has ever dealt with a similar situation or personally had to postpone or cancel their wedding? How did you handle it; announcing it, any changes you had to make, etc? Did you elope and then have a reception/vow renewal at a later date, or did you postpone the entire event and wait to get married until you could afford it? (FI and I discussed all of these options a little bit). How did you handle it emotionally? In regards to my situation, what would you all suggest by ways of how I'd go about postponing or canceling should I have to? Would you suggest I just go ahead, cancel, and elope? If everything goes well and we can indeed have a wedding, which wine would you suggest I inhale to take my deep breaths with?
End note: Yes, loans are not the best idea for paying for a wedding. However, we have our reasons for needing it other than the wedding; we just took a leap of hope and the silence is killing us. Also, nothing is really set in stone at the moment. I'm just panicking because of the time limit that we are on and would like to be prepared for the worst.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Wedding may be postponed or cancelled
I would never take out a loan for a wedding. I would cancel the wedding and elope or go to the courthouse. A wedding only requires people, a licence and someone who can legally marry you, maybe witnesses depending on your state. Typically that can all be done for $50-100, no loan needed.
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Totally agree that if you invite people to your ceremony, that you have to host them afterwards.
I don't think OP should host any party considering the current financial situation.
I worded what I was thinking weirdly in my PP. I meant that OP shouldn't invite anyone to their wedding. But if Mom and Dad insist on coming to the courthouse wedding, I would allow them to be there as witnesses.
Considering that the OP's car is in threat of being repoed, and there is also a threat of eviction, I think even doing a cake and punch reception is too much. Even if the cake and punch is $50, that is $50 that should be going towards car and rent payments.
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This seems awfully classist to me. If I couldn't afford to host lunch, I only had the $ for the license, and even that was borrowed, you bet my mother would be a witness, as would FI's parents. In our case one of them would probably pay for lunch after, but if they couldn't, they would still be there, because they'd be SO MUCH MORE HURT by not being there than by being there and not being thanked after. And they would know this before the wedding itself, so they wouldn't expect it.
If you can't afford anything, I think an exception should be made for immediate family or BFF (depending on the relationship). Sometimes not hurting those you love is more important than what is proper.
(Sorry for yelling, phone doesn't allow bold or italics.)
If I were in the OP's situation and I told my Mom "sorry but you can't come to the courthouse to see me get married because I can't afford to take you out to celebrate afterwards", that would start a war!! Haha.
I wouldn't invite anyone to the courthouse. But if my Mom and step Dad told me they did not want to miss the ceremony, I would absolutely have them there (and honestly would want them there).
This seems awfully classist to me. If I couldn't afford to host lunch, I only had the $ for the license, and even that was borrowed, you bet my mother would be a witness, as would FI's parents. In our case one of them would probably pay for lunch after, but if they couldn't, they would still be there, because they'd be SO MUCH MORE HURT by not being there than by being there and not being thanked after. And they would know this before the wedding itself, so they wouldn't expect it.
If you can't afford anything, I think an exception should be made for immediate family or BFF (depending on the relationship). Sometimes not hurting those you love is more important than what is proper.
(Sorry for yelling, phone doesn't allow bold or italics.)
Yep, totally agree with this. I think it's taking the letter of etiquette law to a place that it actually violates the spirit of etiquette to suggest that if all you can afford to do is get married at the courthouse and absolutely no more, you can't invite your parents. Th vast majority of parents would be devastated by that decision and I think it's insane to not invite them based on the fact that you don't have money to take them to lunch/buy a cake/even make them a PB&J.
Likewise, if my siblings or children could only afford a courthouse wedding, I would NEVER expect to be hosted afterwards for being witness. I think anyone who looks at a situation such as this -- where cars are being repoed and rents aren't being paid -- and expects to be "hosted" for witnessing their courthouse wedding has a few etiquette screws loose, frankly.
All-righty.. Time to pull out the big pair of scissors for your budget and rework this to what you can afford.
1) Invitations - Clearance rack at Walmart.
2) Cake & Punch... (and by cake - I mean from the big box store along with the punch)...
3) No DJ
4) Flowers - They sell a mixed bouquet at the florist or local grocery store/big box - put a ribbon on it!, $7 gets you a bout for FI... If you've got BM, a single stem with a ribbon, if you've got GM, a trimmed carnation..
Those four cuts - just saved you around $2500... If you lose some deposits, it's not the end of the world given that you don't have the money to pay the rest of the amount. Some vendors such as your florist and baker, you may be able to renegotiate the terms of the contract to what your reality budget is.
5) Dress alterations - needle and thread! Learn to sew - you can't afford a pro to do them. For your FI, don't rent a suit, put that money into owning a nice shirt/tie/slacks combo. The clearance rack for a suit will be cheaper!
6) You don't need a loan, you need to sit down with a financial advisor at the bank (free service) to figure out how to live on a realistic budget for your life and potentially refinance your car loan into one you can afford for the car. Another possibility is taking on a part-time job. I know people who detail cars for local dealerships in their spare time, think outside the box for odds and ends jobs you can do on your schedule to pick up some extra money now and into the future. In the future, once your car is paid off, keep making payments into a savings account and when it's time for your next car, pay cash. The money you'll save from interest adds up over a lifetime especially since that savings will gain interest. Finances are the #2 reason couples break up. If your vehicle is ready to be repo'd and you're about ready to get evicted, you need some serious financial counseling so you get out of the mess you're in, AND learn the tools you need to for the future so you never find yourself in this spot ever again.
Do you see the people you invited verbally on a regular basis? How close are you to these people? Are they aware of your financial stresses?
I would personally call, or talk to in person, the people that I am more close to, have FI talk to his friends and family, have Mom and FMIL talk to family or friends that they are more close to.
"HI ______. My FI and I have decided to postpone our nuptials until sometime next year. We are now going to plan a very small wedding for only immediate family and friends. I hope you understand."
Also, keep in mind that people will probably figure out that you are making this decision due to financial troubles. Honestly this is not something I would be ashamed about or deny. I think you are being smart by delaying your wedding until you can afford it!
With the added info - you need to remember, the only things you need to get married is someone to marry, a license, and someone to officiate. The rest is window dressing.
Look at your contracts, you may be on the hook for more than your deposit in some cases. I guess I'm questioning after reading the additions if there isn't another issue that's going on entirely unrelated to the loans and finances that you are looking for an excuse to postpone. I agree with the PP in that it is entirely possible that this mess is going to take years to get dug out of (that dress may not fit by then!), so you've really got to get things figured out and taken care of.
So, you got a crappy loan, it happens. Until I got my final private loan into repayment, what I did was go in (while still in school to the tune of $11K), laid it all on the line, took out a higher flat-rate interest loan that I could afford (12% is still less than 30% on a credit card!), working with a financial advisor at the bank, and got that thing paid off over four years earlier than necessary because we set a payment that even on a rough month I could afford the minimum amount, they worked with me because not only did I not give them a choice because it's to their advantage to still keep getting paid. I also was able to afford our wedding incidentals during that time. If there isn't something relationship wise that you're looking for an excuse to postpone over, have the wedding you can afford even if that means calling people up to say (the truth!!!) about who you can afford to invite, then start saving up for the party you really wanted for your 25th!
I do want to thank everyone again for a) the reality check, and b) the great advice. Again, we did postpone and are now planning an event we can afford. I'm going to skuttle over to another board to ask advice on more affordable venues in my local area, as that was our biggest budget killer (the venue itself was over half of our original budget). If anyone has ideas in Central PA that would allow us to just rent the property (I've been getting messages about packages and whatnot, which are all way out of our price range), any advice would be awesome!
The Park was a great idea especially if they have covered buildings.
Our big money saver was the venue, linens, plates, silver, catering, bar, and even centerpieces if we didn't get super inexpensive better ones. was a complete package deal, so we only paid one price for how many people we have coming. Almost everything was included except entertainment, cake, and extra decor that we wanted but didn't need. that made budgeting so much better!
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