Wedding Woes

Dealing with Grief 11 days out.

I am 11 days out from my wedding and my grandfather has passed away from cancer. Up until a few weeks ago, he was well enough that he was planning on being at the wedding. He deteriorated very quickly, and it came as a big shock to me. I'm struggling with my feelings right now. I'm overwhelmed with grief and sorrow for losing such a wonderful and important man, but I'm also stressed out about wedding planning and overjoyed that I will be married so soon. Simultaneously, I feel like I'm in some sort of bizarre fog that won't let me understand things clearly. 

We had already ordered the programs--with my grandfather in the wedding party--when he passed, but we are not planning on changing them. We have a Memorial section in the program for FI's mother, cousin, and aunt, so I feel that it might be a little strange to just "leave it as is" without saying something. At the same time, I don't want to upset people (including myself) on my wedding day by adding some sort of elaborate memorial for my grandfather. Would it be acceptable to have our officiant add something at the beginning of the ceremony to honor our passed loved ones, or would that be too much? Maybe I could put a framed photo on his chair? I feel like I'm so tied up in my grief right now that I can't figure out how to approach this situation gracefully.
(formerly rusticbride27)

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Re: Dealing with Grief 11 days out.

  • I'm so sorry for your loss.

    In general, I think the majority opinion is usually to do something private to remember your grandfather.  I know this is a difficult time for you and your family.  Given that some people will react differently than others, I think it's best to keep it low key:  things that some people might be okay with (empty chair) might reopen the wound for others.  Here are some good, relevant threads. 

    http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1054373/honoring-late-dad-and-stepdad-as-well

    http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1063204/deceased-parent

    http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1063082/honoring-my-dad/p1

    http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/comment/7710997



    Pupatella[Deleted User]
  • I just wanted to say I am so sorry for your loss, that is devastating, especially so close to your wedding. Sending lots of love to you and your family.
    [Deleted User]Pupatella
  • I'm so very sorry for your loss.  That is hard to deal with at any time, but it definitely colors a major life event.  I hope Heffa's links help you.  

    No matter what you do, big or small, I'm sure your family will appreciate that you are keeping him on your mind and in your heart on a day that he would have loved to be a part of. 
    [Deleted User]
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    I'm sorry for your loss.

    I would skip the photo on his chair.  Emotions are running high on a wedding day, without fresh grief to deal with.  I think seeing that picture of your grandfather will cause you to be unable to control your emotions.  I would also skip having an empty chair there as well.

    Keep any memorials to your grandfather small and subtle.  Put a picture of him in a locket and put it around your bouquet, if you can get a blue tie of his - have it sewn into the underside of your dress, if you can get a handkerchief of his - carry it with you that day.  We displayed pictures of our parents and grandparents, from their wedding days, at our reception as well.  Lastly, we had a bouquet of flowers at the ceremony that represented our deceased grandparents and FIL - there was no note or meaning to the bouquet, but H & I knew what the flowers were for and who they represented.

    Also, since you are having a ceremony with a pastor, I think it would be fine to have a quick prayer offered to your grandfather and other family members who are deceased.  Just ask that the pastor keep his words short and quick so as not to upset many people who are also still mourning your grandfather.

    [Deleted User]
  • I'm sorry for your loss. 

    I think you're right to have some sort of memorial, but make sure it's subtle, especially since the loss is so fresh. 
    Olive Oil's mom made a good point re: the empty chair or picture actually making you or family guests more upset. Just use your best judgement. 

    We listed our (deceased) grandparents in the program, and had a bouquet of flowers with "in memory of" sign with it - but the losses were nowhere near as fresh as yours.  

    you could also do something like play his favorite song 
    [Deleted User]
  • I'm sorry for your loss.

    I'm not sure I'd have any sort of big memorial either.  You might touch base with your officiant and see what their thoughts are.  Any officiant should be willing to add some words of remembrance, but it might be too fresh for people to handle.  I'd keep anything small and personal to just you.
    [Deleted User]
  • edited September 2015
    A wedding is a wedding, a memorial is a memorial- keep them seperate. Don't do anything showy or public. To me even a prayer is too much.

    Very sorry for your loss. Lost my grandparents years ago in a car accident and it still makes me sad.
    [Deleted User]
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