Just doesn't seem right...

lembaslover · September 2015

So my brother is in the army and is currently stationed in the US a few hours from where my wedding is. He's told me that he is not being granted leave even though he has the time saved up. Apparently he's been trying to get it for the last couple months and it hasn't been granted so it's not like a last minute thing which was what I initially assumed when he told me he couldn't make it.

Do people with family in the military find this is a common occurrence? I mean I guess I can understand if they are stationed overseas and the military wouldn't want to fly them back and all but that isn't the case here. It'd be no cost to them they just need to give him a day off! Is there someone I can contact to make this happen without getting him in trouble? He's my only brother and I know he wants to make it and it'd mean the world to have him standing by me!

We've already talked about the option of skyping or doing a recorded message if we have to but I'd really like him to be there!

kmmssg · September 2015

I am a retired veteran with 26 years of service, and also a 4 time MOB (that's why I am here!).

Yes, this can happen and no matter what - NO YOU CAN'T CONTACT ANYONE TO MAKE THIS HAPPEN!

Here is a case in point for your. My niece and her DH are on the end of a 45 day leave. They have been stationed at Fort Benning where he was an MP. His unit is on the smaller side and for well over a year leave has only been granted for emergencies because they need everyone to perform their mission. They are PCSing (moving to a new duty station) to Fort Hood, TX. He was in a use or lose status for his leave as well as needing time for the move itself. That is how he ended up taking 45 days of leave. I never had that problem, but it was due to his unit's mission and that is what drives everything. Everything.

I know it is hard to accept not having him there and it is unfortunate that he can't be granted leave. His unit could be in a particular training rotation or they could be short people (think emergency leaves), etc. The reasons could be a number of things.

MANY service members attend things through skype or they send video messages. Several years ago a friend of mine was graduating from ROTC and asked me to be the Senior NCO to whom she rendered her first salute. One of her classmates was actually wired (up the back of the shirt, under her hair, and to an earpiece) and her dad was on the other end so he could hear her take her oath as an officer. He was in Afghanistan at the time.

I know this sucks, but sometimes this is just the way it ends up. You can also take a couple of minutes to call him during the reception if that is a possibility.

Whatever you do in this life, do not not not try to contact someone in his chain of command. You will have to accept whatever their answer is. Weddings can't come in over the mission.

Stay strong - maybe he will get last minute leave, but if he doesn't, be a really supportive sister and know he wants to be there.

pinupbride6189 · September 2015

It can happen, unfortunately. It doesn't usually happen, but it can. Leave is technically an entitlement that is earned, but if mission doesn't permit, and the unit can't spare him, then in the eyes of the Army, that's what comes first. I'm really sorry. I know this has to hurt so much, but it's not his fault, so keep that in mind, and know that if there were any possible way for him to be there, he would.

julieanne912 · September 2015

Our best man is not active duty, but is a civilian employed by the Army doing ammunition inspections in Germany, and I guess he's only one of like 3 people who do it at his base, and all the rules that apply to military apply to him too. He put in his leave request about 6 months before our wedding (once we had set a date). He didn't find out until 2 weeks before the wedding that he could actually come, and they only leave they granted him was Thursday through Sunday even though he requested another week on top of that, even though he hasn't taken leave in almost 3 years. Apparently he had to go through many approval processes and rejections before he finally was able to get those 4 days to fly here. His wife and kids had to stay behind (ETA because the Army wouldn't pay for his flight back, and it was $1500 for him to get just one ticket since it took forever for the leave to be approved).

Another friend of ours works for the WY National Guard, but in an administrative setting in Washington DC. He originally was granted the leave to come to the wedding but then 3 days before, they "un" granted it so he wasn't able to come.

lembaslover · September 2015

julieanne912 it's completely disgusting how the military treats their members. I'm sorry but if you request leave with plenty of notice and you have it saved up you should be granted it and have plenty of notice that it's been granted. My brother has had that happen to him before too where he's told he can be off and we've planned to see him and then it get's canceled with little to no notice. I think it's awful. These are the people defending us and giving up months of their lives at a time. The least they can do is give someone a couple of days vacation when they earned it. My brother has tried many times too, first he had asked for a week then tried just a couple of days, then tried just 1 day... It's really insane.

It's not like he's on a mission or overseas. He's at his home on base. I don't hold it against my brother and yes I realize there is skype and stuff but that's not the same when he's being kept a few hours drive away. Any other job people could just call in sick or take the vacation they actually built up. I mean he's asking for a day. I just can't believe there is someone so cruel as to tell someone that they have to miss their only sister's wedding for some bullshit. I really hope that person who gave the final denial stamp misses every family event from now on.

kmmssg · September 2015

I really do sympathize with you but you just aren't understanding how the military works. When leave is denied it isn't because someone is trying to be mean or cruel or whatever. It is because the mission requires a certain number of people and if they are short already or if operations are running at a high tempo everyone is needed.

The military is mission first above all else. You have no idea what training is going on, how many people in his unit might be on emergency leave because a relative is dying, how many are out on convalescent leave, etc.

And, mission is not some bullshit. I missed my daughter's first day of school, her elementary school graduation, middle school graduation (yes our school system does that) and several programs - because of mission. That is just how it works.

You need to stop comparing the military to people in any other job. That's not how it works. Many of us have had leave denied for important events. It is part of the military life. Any other job is not like the military. It is just the way it is.

Please let go of the idea that someone is sitting back and being cruel about this. There is a reason when leave is denied.

Sammy0709 · September 2015

I understand you're frustrated but it's really immature to wish the leave reviewers and approvers miss all their family stuff. Like, what good does that attitude do for you? At the end of the day, mission will always come first whether we're deployed or at our home base. Those of us that have signed on the dotted line knew that when we did so. I missed my grandfather's funeral and two weddings for cousins I am really close to because I couldn't get leave and those are just the really major things. There's nothing to hold against anyone. We're in the military, not selling tv's at Best Buy. We have a 24/7 obligation to our country and mission. In no way is this comparable to a job in the civilian sector. Stop trying to compare apples to oranges and maybe you'll be a little less bitter. Like kmmsg said, no one is sitting at their fancy mahogany desk plotting ways to f**k people over. Service members are subject to the needs of their respective service and your brother's command obviously needs him to complete whatever their mission is because every command has a mission to complete, even at home.

lembaslover · September 2015

You think it's ok to tell someone they have off and then go and change that on them with just a day or 2 notice? People make plans, buy expensive plane tickets etc... and it fucks with their lives. I think people deserve to be treated better than that. It's 1 fucking day I'm not going to get over that, it's ridiculous. It's sad that that is the way it is. He is completely devastated and so am I.

They have been so awful to my brother. Last winter he almost died because they wouldn't give him the time off to go see a doctor and it turned out he had a major infection and ended up in the hospital where he had to stay for a couple of weeks. It was made worse because the person on base gave him the wrong medicine so he ended up getting sent to a private hospital. So sorry if I feel like they are cruel, clearly he hasn't been treated with the proper respect a living person deserves.

kmmssg · September 2015

engagedhamstermom said:

You think it's ok to tell someone they have off and then go and change that on them with just a day or 2 notice? People make plans, buy expensive plane tickets etc... and it fucks with their lives. I think people deserve to be treated better than that. It's 1 fucking day I'm not going to get over that, it's ridiculous. It's sad that that is the way it is. He is completely devastated and so am I.

They have been so awful to my brother. Last winter he almost died because they wouldn't give him the time off to go see a doctor and it turned out he had a major infection and ended up in the hospital where he had to stay for a couple of weeks. It was made worse because the person on base gave him the wrong medicine so he ended up getting sent to a private hospital. So sorry if I feel like they are cruel, clearly he hasn't been treated with the proper respect a living person deserves.

As for the bolded, do you have any idea how many times my leave was cancelled with no notice? Did it mess with my life and totally piss me off? Yes. Did I reenlist every time til I had 26 years of service? Yes.

Seriously - you can let this go and take some of the gray cloud off your day or you can just keep stewing about it and change nothing. Your choice.

Jen4948 · October 2015

Yes, it can. My dad is an Air Force veteran. He and my mom planned their wedding in NYC, where they're both from, for a scheduled leave, only for the leave to be cancelled. Since they didn't know when he would next have leave, my mom and their immediate family members traveled to Wichita Falls, Texas, where he was stationed, and they were married there. It meant giving up their plans for extended family members and friends to attend in NYC, but them was the breaks. They've been happily married for over 46 years.

fyrchk · October 2015

Unfortunately, the military isn't like any other job. I was an army brat (born in an army hospital even) and served myself. Now I work with veterans. Part of our issue with reintegrating back into the civilian sector is that people don't understand when you join the military, you LITERALLY sign your life to the US Government. We become government issue.

I've missed funerals, weddings, family reunions, you name it. The difference is, I come from a military family so they understand. However, when my grandmother died, the funeral director made a comment about my father leaving home and not coming back enough to visit during the eulogy. (Meanwhile, we were living in overseas for many years.) You should have seen my mom tearing him a new asshole after the funeral.

When you serve your life is not your own. You eat when they tell you, you live where they tell you, you come and go when they tell you.

It's not that your brother doesn't want to be there. It's that for some reason the mission dictates that he can't be.

Just doesn't seem right...

Re: Just doesn't seem right...

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