Moms and Maids

I feel like it shouldnt be this way...

So, im getting married in 16 days!! Yay! Im super excited. But i feel disappointed in my bridesmaids. And im not sure what to do.
So since the beginning ive felt like my bridesmaids have not put in the work or cared enough to do anything for me except for one. My friend brittany did my whole bridal shower which was super sweet of her. For my bachlorette party, i ended up having to do pretty much EVERYTHING though. My maid of honor wanted to wait until the last minute to book and plan (like the week before), so i had to take matters into my own hands. I put the hotel on my card, paid for all the cab rides, my fiance paid for the hotel for one night, and i even paid for some drinks. My MOH and another bridesmaid ditched me during my night out on the bachlorette because their "stomach didnt feel good" and they werent even drunk. Only one girl gave me a good portion of money back and my MOH forgot to pay me for everything. And this was a month ago. Since the the bachlorette ive tried contacting my MOH to talk about wedding details and she acts like she is too busy to talk and i dont know what to do. Im getting really frustrated. Money aside, i feel like they dont care and its almost like they just want to show up the day of and thats it. Ive been planning the whole wedding by myself. I even had to ask my own mother to help me out. His family hasnt done anything either. I feel alot of disappointment and that ive seen who my true friends are. Im trying be positive but i cant help but feel resentment towards some people. What now

Re: I feel like it shouldnt be this way...

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    So, im getting married in 16 days!! Yay! Im super excited. But i feel disappointed in my bridesmaids. And im not sure what to do. So since the beginning ive felt like my bridesmaids have not put in the work or cared enough to do anything for me except for one. My friend brittany did my whole bridal shower which was super sweet of her. For my bachlorette party, i ended up having to do pretty much EVERYTHING though. My maid of honor wanted to wait until the last minute to book and plan (like the week before), so i had to take matters into my own hands. I put the hotel on my card, paid for all the cab rides, my fiance paid for the hotel for one night, and i even paid for some drinks. My MOH and another bridesmaid ditched me during my night out on the bachlorette because their "stomach didnt feel good" and they werent even drunk. Only one girl gave me a good portion of money back and my MOH forgot to pay me for everything. And this was a month ago. Since the the bachlorette ive tried contacting my MOH to talk about wedding details and she acts like she is too busy to talk and i dont know what to do. Im getting really frustrated. Money aside, i feel like they dont care and its almost like they just want to show up the day of and thats it. Ive been planning the whole wedding by myself. I even had to ask my own mother to help me out. His family hasnt done anything either. I feel alot of disappointment and that ive seen who my true friends are. Im trying be positive but i cant help but feel resentment towards some people. What now

    I'm sorry that your bridesmaids ditched you and stuck you with the bill.  That wasn't cool.

    That said, I am wondering if you discussed your plans with them in advance and they actually agreed to plan and attend a bachelorette party for you.  This isn't a "duty" of bridesmaids-their only actual duties are to acquire whatever outfit you designate (after getting their budgets from them in advance and in private), show up in them on time, sober, and in good spirits, go up the aisle and back with you, and pose for some photos. 

    But beyond that, it's not their job to plan parties, go on shopping trips, or otherwise help you plan the wedding.  If that's what you've been expecting of them, then you need to dial back your expectations.  Plus, it really isn't okay to expect people to pay you compensation for your costs if they didn't agree to it in advance.

    So I'd take a step back and think about what you've been expecting of people and don't complain about how they've treated you up to now.  Show some interest in their lives. Presumably you chose them because they are close to you, so treat them with that same closeness and don't treat your relationships with them as quid pro quo.  And give them a break in terms of communication-don't call them solely for the purpose of discussing your wedding.

  • So, im getting married in 16 days!! Yay! Im super excited. But i feel disappointed in my bridesmaids. And im not sure what to do. So since the beginning ive felt like my bridesmaids have not put in the work or cared enough to do anything for me except for one. My friend brittany did my whole bridal shower which was super sweet of her. For my bachlorette party, i ended up having to do pretty much EVERYTHING though. My maid of honor wanted to wait until the last minute to book and plan (like the week before), so i had to take matters into my own hands. I put the hotel on my card, paid for all the cab rides, my fiance paid for the hotel for one night, and i even paid for some drinks. My MOH and another bridesmaid ditched me during my night out on the bachlorette because their "stomach didnt feel good" and they werent even drunk. Only one girl gave me a good portion of money back and my MOH forgot to pay me for everything. And this was a month ago. Since the the bachlorette ive tried contacting my MOH to talk about wedding details and she acts like she is too busy to talk and i dont know what to do. Im getting really frustrated. Money aside, i feel like they dont care and its almost like they just want to show up the day of and thats it. Ive been planning the whole wedding by myself. I even had to ask my own mother to help me out. His family hasnt done anything either. I feel alot of disappointment and that ive seen who my true friends are. Im trying be positive but i cant help but feel resentment towards some people. What now
    Your wedding will never be as important to other people as it is to you.  Have you tried calling your MOH to talk about anything that ISN'T wedding details?  Do you ever talk about what's going on in HER life?  Or is it always only about you and your wedding?  She was your FRIEND before she was you MOH, right?  Maybe you should talk about what you used to talk about before there was a wedding to plan.
    PupatellaOliveOilsMomarrrghmateyInLoveInQueens
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    Your expectations of your BMs was WAY TOO HIGH!  Yes, all your BMs need to do is show up in their dress, sober, and on time the day of your wedding.  If they want to do anything extra, like plan a shower, b-party, stuff envelopes, etc.  Then they will offer their services for those tasks.

    You are responsible to plan your wedding with your FI.  It is who you are marrying after all.  To expect your BMs to help you plan is your problem, not theirs. 

    If I were your MOH, I'd be feeling put off that my b-party plans for you weren't good enough.  She offered to throw you a b-party, which is optional, but you felt the plans weren't good enough and planned something "better".  But you were so wrong in planning that b-party on three fronts.  First, its rude to plan and throw a party in your own honor.  Second, you probably hurt your MOHs feelings that what she was planning to do was not good enough.  Third, you probably didn't even ask anyone else for a budget and just spent money that wasn't yours to spend.  You should be lucky you were reimbursed at all.

    Lastly, no one will ever be as excited about your wedding as you and your FI are.  So lower your expectations with your BMs.  They have probably been putting up with a crazy bridezilla, based on your OP rant.

    PrettyGirlLost
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    It sucks that you got ditched. But did it ever occur to you that maybe your bridal party just couldn't afford a night out like that? 

    Look, none of them are required to throw you any showers or parties. Really, their only responsibilities are to show up the day of the wedding, in the outfit you've selected. That's it. You were thrown a shower, and honestly, a lot of brides don't even get that. 

    As far as planning, my husband and I planned the entire wedding ourselves. My H did DIY projects with me. We had no outside help from our families or friends. 

    InLoveInQueens[Deleted User]PrettyGirlLost
  • Your bridesmaids do not need to help you plan your wedding. It is YOUR wedding, not theirs. Therefore, YOU and your FI should be planning it. 
                                     Wedding Countdown Ticker

                                                   image
    InLoveInQueens[Deleted User]redoryx
  • You're 16 days out from your wedding. It's time to be nothing but excited and be happy with everything that you have. Some things might have not gone as you envisioned, but they're past you. Could your expectations have been too high? Probably. Blame the wedding industry that exists if you must. Be grateful that you have had any help (with your mom, soak in the fact that this is probably something special that the two of you have now shared) and hopefully you have been sharing the experience and work with your FI that the two of you can look back and relish all the memories of doing things as a couple leading up to the wedding day. My fiance and I are looking forward to seeing the culminating result of our hard work together to give all of our friends and family one great party that hopefully will be a memorable one for everyone. Focus on the positive and that you'll be marrying the man of your dreams in less than 3 weeks!
  • I feel like you have teed yourself up for disappointment with expectations that are not realistic.

    No one is responsible for helping you plan YOUR wedding. No one is responsible for throwing you parties. People don't love you any less because they don't plan the perfect bach. Your FILs aren't bad people for not being involved in planning. 

    Only you and your FI are responsible for the wedding. If others offer to help, it's a PERK. Not a right.
    *********************************************************************************

    image
    [Deleted User]lc07PrettyGirlLost
  • You planned your own bach party? That's just wrong. You should have left it up to your girls to plan and if they didn't, then you don't get one and only then is it appropriate to call up some friends and ask if they want to go out on the town or something. But you shouldn't be planning your own bach party and then expecting reimbursement.

    Many people don't have the money to shower a bride with pre-wedding parties in every wedding they're in. That's why that isn't an official duty of a bridesmaid. They just need to show up the day of.

    Now don't get me wrong, I have a few friends who are crazy happy for me (one even got a binder out and started helping me plan as soon as I announced my engagement) and I love them to death for that. But *I* never asked them or expected that of them. THEY did it because they wanted to. But had they not taken the lead, I never would have asked or expected them to because it's not their wedding.
    [Deleted User]
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited September 2015
    So, im getting married in 16 days!! Yay! Im super excited. But i feel disappointed in my bridesmaids. And im not sure what to do. So since the beginning ive felt like my bridesmaids have not put in the work or cared enough to do anything for me except for one. My friend brittany did my whole bridal shower which was super sweet of her. For my bachlorette party, i ended up having to do pretty much EVERYTHING though. My maid of honor wanted to wait until the last minute to book and plan (like the week before), so i had to take matters into my own hands. I put the hotel on my card, paid for all the cab rides, my fiance paid for the hotel for one night, and i even paid for some drinks. My MOH and another bridesmaid ditched me during my night out on the bachlorette because their "stomach didnt feel good" and they werent even drunk. Only one girl gave me a good portion of money back and my MOH forgot to pay me for everything. And this was a month ago. Since the the bachlorette ive tried contacting my MOH to talk about wedding details and she acts like she is too busy to talk and i dont know what to do. Im getting really frustrated. Money aside, i feel like they dont care and its almost like they just want to show up the day of and thats it. Ive been planning the whole wedding by myself. I even had to ask my own mother to help me out. His family hasnt done anything either. I feel alot of disappointment and that ive seen who my true friends are. Im trying be positive but i cant help but feel resentment towards some people. What now
    Grow up.  No one owes you a party.  My daughter didn't have a shower.  Did she care?  Not one bit!  She had sort of a bachelorette party where she and two girlfriends went out to a bar.  She paid for her own drinks.  Big deal.  She had a beautiful wedding, surrounded by her dear friends, who were happy to be with her on her wedding day.  You should be so lucky!
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    [Deleted User]InLoveInQueens
  • I hope this is a joke.

    No one owes you anything. Planning your own bachelorette party is gross, let alone expecting your MOH to pay you back for it? No wonder she's "too busy to talk". 

    And the only thing they HAVE to do is show up the day of. 

    Again, I seriously hope this is a joke. 
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