But do I invite them?

[Deleted User] · October 2015

So long story short: I was adopted as a baby, and I grew up as one of 11 children. Then, about 4 years ago I met my biological brother and sister. Over the course of the last 4 years I've come to meet what seems like 60+ more family members, aunts, uncles, cousins, you name it. Though I'm very very very close with my biological brother (we hit it off like two old friends almost immediately), and one of my aunts (I actually lived with her for a few months when I started a new job near her in SC), and I'm pretty close with my sister, the numbers add up quite quickly on my new side of the family.

We are getting married in a small barn that can only hold about 80 people, not to mention the fact that we're on the worlds tightest budge because we're paying for ourselves. Between my (adoptive) family, FH's family, and just a couple of my "new" family members (aunt,sister & nephew,and brother & fiance) it's added up to well over 100 people. Is it crazy and rude of me not to invite members of my biological family? I know that it seems weird, but I met them when I was an adult and really they're only a little more than acquaintances. I've never been invited to baby showers or weddings from that part of my family, but I think they are assuming they will be invited to mine.

Has anyone gone through anything like this? What's good etiquette for handling this situation?

Liatris2010 · October 2015

It is okay to only invite the people you are closest to. If that means you invite your biological brother and aunt, but not other relatives, that is fine. Do remember that anyone in a relationship must be invited with their SO, even if you don't know the SO well.

JediElizabeth · October 2015

Invite those you're close to and want to share the day with. Don't invite those you aren't. This is true for your biological family, your adopted family, your FI's family, and your friends.

Personally, when we went through our list, we mostly chose people who we feel support us and our marriage, and will be there for us in the future - it sounds like your biological brother and aunt fit that description, so I'd definitely invite them (and of course your brother's fiance needs to be invited with him).

Is there anyone you can take off the list from your adopted family or your FI's family? If not, it sounds like you may need a larger venue that's cheaper per person, if you can find it. The budget wedding board has lots of suggestions for making changes to fit a budget.

VicTim328 · October 2015

Even with your "new" family taken out of the equation, you are still over 15 people on the capacity of the venue. You need to plan for everyone to attend, or you will be back here in crisis mode about finding a last minute venue...

I'd recommend finding a new venue (if you aren't in a contract), or cutting back the guest list. It's nice you want to include them, and given that it is only 5 people, of which you have been close enough to live with one, and the other two have significant potential to become closer in the future, I would try my best to include them.

If it were me, I would see if there is another location similar to the current one that can accommodate everyone.

ryanandjoe4 · October 2015

OK, being a birth mom, I may have a biased opinion, I will try to tone that down...

I would treat them like any regular guests, Individually, Close to birth brother, invite.. not close to Aunt X on birth family side don't invite..

the argument that you met them as an adult is kind of weird to me, like your trying to split hairs on why not to invite them, if you don't want to then don't... do you know every single other guest since you were young, or on your FI side has he known all of them from when he was young? If not then why would meeting birth family be different? I have only known my MOH for 3 years, only met another one when I interviewed her to be my sons adoptive mom 8 years ago.. I was 20..

If you do not invite them, then they ask why, I would say it was a really small affair, and with three sets of family it was hard to get all invited. For the love of god wouldn't say family and close friends, adoption holds so many feelings for not only you and immediate sets of parents, but grandparents, and aunts and uncles. it will sound like you don't consider them family, and from your post you seem to consider them family.

Do you invite them to be apart of your life events? I know that birth families may only reciprocate what the adoptive family does. Your family may want to invite you to their family events but may not because they don't know what your feelings are towards them.. On the other hand if you have invited them, some that are acquaintances my not be fully over/comfortable/used to the situation. for example, my grandfather, was terrified to meet my son and his parents because what if they decide to not let us visit anymore, and he is attached, it would be hurtful for us and my son. so after 5 years of me visiting and staying in his life he finally came with me.

EDT: Just so you know, mt son will be 9 this year, and I still teared up when I wrote this.. being a birth family is hard, not matter if it is open or closed..

redoryx · October 2015

Knottie954741 said:

So long story short: I was adopted as a baby, and I grew up as one of 11 children. Then, about 4 years ago I met my biological brother and sister. Over the course of the last 4 years I've come to meet what seems like 60+ more family members, aunts, uncles, cousins, you name it. Though I'm very very very close with my biological brother (we hit it off like two old friends almost immediately), and one of my aunts (I actually lived with her for a few months when I started a new job near her in SC), and I'm pretty close with my sister, the numbers add up quite quickly on my new side of the family.

We are getting married in a small barn that can only hold about 80 people, not to mention the fact that we're on the worlds tightest budge because we're paying for ourselves. Between my (adoptive) family, FH's family, and just a couple of my "new" family members (aunt,sister & nephew,and brother & fiance) it's added up to well over 100 people. Is it crazy and rude of me not to invite members of my biological family? I know that it seems weird, but I met them when I was an adult and really they're only a little more than acquaintances. I've never been invited to baby showers or weddings from that part of my family, but I think they are assuming they will be invited to mine.

Has anyone gone through anything like this? What's good etiquette for handling this situation?

Taking the bio family factor out, you really need to either 1) find a new venue or 2) start cutting people.

monkeysip · October 2015

I agree with ryanandjoe4 that the issue isn't really whether they're biological or adoptive family... just pick whoever you are close to. It's the same problem we all deal with when making our guest lists. It was very important to us to have a smallish wedding, so we only invited those people we regularly talk to and care about.

But either way, your venue sounds too small. Are you going to cut your current list down? DON'T invite more than your venue holds!

princessleia22 · October 2015

Like others said, take birth vs. adopted out of the equation and invite those you are close to that you would like to have at your wedding. When choosing to have a smaller size wedding, it's inevitable to have to cut people from the list. It's okay to invite brother, sister, aunt, and those that you actually have a relationship with and not invite the other family that you don't know as well. And if people ask, just say you wanted a smaller wedding and had to limit the guest list.

I have 7 aunts & 7 uncles... among them I have 20 cousins, most of whom are adults & married and many have kids of their own. We also are still in contact with my 2nd & 3rd cousins. If I were to invite my whole extended family, that's around 100 people right there. My sister invited everyone to her wedding and ended up with 250 guests. I wanted a smaller wedding with around 50 guests. So, I cut my list at aunts & uncles. I didn't invite any of my cousins or other extended family. And it was fine. If anyone asked, I just said it was a small wedding and they were understanding.

[Deleted User] · October 2015

Thanks everyone for your help. I think I typed what was in my head and left some things out. I HAVE cut out people from my adoptive family. People I'm not close to haven't been on the list at all. My real issue I guess, is that I just don't want to hurt feelings of people I just met/hardly know. That's the only reason I made a distinction between adoptive and bio family here. The people in my adoptive family who aren't invited aren't going to be surprised they're not invited, we're not close, we don't talk... blah blah blah... I'm worried that my "new" family members who don't know me as well are going to be hurt by not being invited, and it's not that... it's just that we really want to keep it small, and we are paying for everything ourselves. This space is perfect and exactly what we want. It's not that I want more people to come to the wedding, I don't... it's just how can I be tactful about saying, I'm glad you're in my life now, but we're keeping things simple?

huskypuppy14 · October 2015

Knottie954741 said:

Thanks everyone for your help. I think I typed what was in my head and left some things out. I HAVE cut out people from my adoptive family. People I'm not close to haven't been on the list at all. My real issue I guess, is that I just don't want to hurt feelings of people I just met/hardly know. That's the only reason I made a distinction between adoptive and bio family here. The people in my adoptive family who aren't invited aren't going to be surprised they're not invited, we're not close, we don't talk... blah blah blah... I'm worried that my "new" family members who don't know me as well are going to be hurt by not being invited, and it's not that... it's just that we really want to keep it small, and we are paying for everything ourselves. This space is perfect and exactly what we want. It's not that I want more people to come to the wedding, I don't... it's just how can I be tactful about saying, I'm glad you're in my life now, but we're keeping things simple?

You never tell people they are not invited. Invite who you want to invite, and leave it at that. It's presumptuous for people to feel that they are invited to your wedding. If it does get brought up, the simplest thing to say is "we couldn't invite everyone we wanted".

I'm a little confused though. Are you not inviting anyone from your adoptive family? Are you planning on inviting your new brother, sister and aunt?

pegasuskat · October 2015

If I was the aunt you lived with and we had a good relationship, then I would be very hurt not to be invited. Same for the brother and sister, now the fringe relatives you've only met a few times, sure - leave them off.

ryanandjoe4 · October 2015

Knottie954741 said:

Thanks everyone for your help. I think I typed what was in my head and left some things out. I HAVE cut out people from my adoptive family. People I'm not close to haven't been on the list at all. My real issue I guess, is that I just don't want to hurt feelings of people I just met/hardly know. That's the only reason I made a distinction between adoptive and bio family here. The people in my adoptive family who aren't invited aren't going to be surprised they're not invited, we're not close, we don't talk... blah blah blah... I'm worried that my "new" family members who don't know me as well are going to be hurt by not being invited, and it's not that... it's just that we really want to keep it small, and we are paying for everything ourselves. This space is perfect and exactly what we want. It's not that I want more people to come to the wedding, I don't... it's just how can I be tactful about saying, I'm glad you're in my life now, but we're keeping things simple?

I would again treat them like any other family member, because they are. I have the same ?? as PP are you not inviting anyone from the birth family, like the ones that you said your close to?

No one should assume that they are invited, and if it comes up, like PP said, just state that it was a very small wedding and we couldn't invite everyone. People will understand that, what would hurt my feelings as a birth family member is if you said, we only wanted family there.. So it should not hurt someone to not be invited it will only be your response to why it was a small wedding.. We couldn't afford to invite the whole family, We fell in love with a very small venue and couldn't invite everyone.

STARMOON44 · October 2015

ryanandjoe4 said:

Knottie954741 said:

Thanks everyone for your help. I think I typed what was in my head and left some things out. I HAVE cut out people from my adoptive family. People I'm not close to haven't been on the list at all. My real issue I guess, is that I just don't want to hurt feelings of people I just met/hardly know. That's the only reason I made a distinction between adoptive and bio family here. The people in my adoptive family who aren't invited aren't going to be surprised they're not invited, we're not close, we don't talk... blah blah blah... I'm worried that my "new" family members who don't know me as well are going to be hurt by not being invited, and it's not that... it's just that we really want to keep it small, and we are paying for everything ourselves. This space is perfect and exactly what we want. It's not that I want more people to come to the wedding, I don't... it's just how can I be tactful about saying, I'm glad you're in my life now, but we're keeping things simple?

I would again treat them like any other family member, because they are. I have the same ?? as PP are you not inviting anyone from the birth family, like the ones that you said your close to?

No one should assume that they are invited, and if it comes up, like PP said, just state that it was a very small wedding and we couldn't invite everyone. People will understand that, what would hurt my feelings as a birth family member is if you said, we only wanted family there.. So it should not hurt someone to not be invited it will only be your response to why it was a small wedding.. We couldn't afford to invite the whole family, We fell in love with a very small venue and couldn't invite everyone.

I also think it's fine to say you don't consider your birth family "family." It sounds like this poster does, but it would be perfectly acceptable for her, or any other child placed for adoption, to define their family as the people who raised them, and not the ones who gave them away, hurtful or not. I just think it's very important to consider carefully the message that you are sending and I think here perfectly fine to just invite people you are close to, whether through birth or adoption.

ryanandjoe4 · October 2015

STARMOON44 said:

Knottie954741 said:

Thanks everyone for your help. I think I typed what was in my head and left some things out. I HAVE cut out people from my adoptive family. People I'm not close to haven't been on the list at all. My real issue I guess, is that I just don't want to hurt feelings of people I just met/hardly know. That's the only reason I made a distinction between adoptive and bio family here. The people in my adoptive family who aren't invited aren't going to be surprised they're not invited, we're not close, we don't talk... blah blah blah... I'm worried that my "new" family members who don't know me as well are going to be hurt by not being invited, and it's not that... it's just that we really want to keep it small, and we are paying for everything ourselves. This space is perfect and exactly what we want. It's not that I want more people to come to the wedding, I don't... it's just how can I be tactful about saying, I'm glad you're in my life now, but we're keeping things simple?

I would again treat them like any other family member, because they are. I have the same ?? as PP are you not inviting anyone from the birth family, like the ones that you said your close to?

No one should assume that they are invited, and if it comes up, like PP said, just state that it was a very small wedding and we couldn't invite everyone. People will understand that, what would hurt my feelings as a birth family member is if you said, we only wanted family there.. So it should not hurt someone to not be invited it will only be your response to why it was a small wedding.. We couldn't afford to invite the whole family, We fell in love with a very small venue and couldn't invite everyone.
I also think it's fine to say you don't consider your birth family "family." It sounds like this poster does, but it would be perfectly acceptable for her, or any other child placed for adoption, to define their family as the people who raised them, and not the ones who gave them away, hurtful or not. I just think it's very important to consider carefully the message that you are sending and I think here perfectly fine to just invite people you are close to, whether through birth or adoption.

Considering she calls them Birth FAMILY, and that she lived with one for a while, and is close to some of them. sounds like family.. they should be treated like they have feelings, and like any other extended family member..

to bold, educate yourself, more adoptions are due to young kids not being ready, and doing what is best for the child. not "giving them up/away" this is offensive to say to anyone who is involved in an adoption. Deciding to hand your child over to someone else is the hardest decision that anyone can make.

STARMOON44 · October 2015

ryanandjoe4 said:

STARMOON44 said:

ryanandjoe4 said:

Knottie954741 said:

Thanks everyone for your help. I think I typed what was in my head and left some things out. I HAVE cut out people from my adoptive family. People I'm not close to haven't been on the list at all. My real issue I guess, is that I just don't want to hurt feelings of people I just met/hardly know. That's the only reason I made a distinction between adoptive and bio family here. The people in my adoptive family who aren't invited aren't going to be surprised they're not invited, we're not close, we don't talk... blah blah blah... I'm worried that my "new" family members who don't know me as well are going to be hurt by not being invited, and it's not that... it's just that we really want to keep it small, and we are paying for everything ourselves. This space is perfect and exactly what we want. It's not that I want more people to come to the wedding, I don't... it's just how can I be tactful about saying, I'm glad you're in my life now, but we're keeping things simple?

I would again treat them like any other family member, because they are. I have the same ?? as PP are you not inviting anyone from the birth family, like the ones that you said your close to?

No one should assume that they are invited, and if it comes up, like PP said, just state that it was a very small wedding and we couldn't invite everyone. People will understand that, what would hurt my feelings as a birth family member is if you said, we only wanted family there.. So it should not hurt someone to not be invited it will only be your response to why it was a small wedding.. We couldn't afford to invite the whole family, We fell in love with a very small venue and couldn't invite everyone.

I also think it's fine to say you don't consider your birth family "family." It sounds like this poster does, but it would be perfectly acceptable for her, or any other child placed for adoption, to define their family as the people who raised them, and not the ones who gave them away, hurtful or not. I just think it's very important to consider carefully the message that you are sending and I think here perfectly fine to just invite people you are close to, whether through birth or adoption.

Considering she calls them Birth FAMILY, and that she lived with one for a while, and is close to some of them. sounds like family.. they should be treated like they have feelings, and like any other extended family member..

to bold, educate yourself, more adoptions are due to young kids not being ready, and doing what is best for the child. not "giving them up/away" this is offensive to say to anyone who is involved in an adoption. Deciding to hand your child over to someone else is the hardest decision that anyone can make.

I'm sorry I haven't used the right terminology- do you prefer the family who placed them for adoption? Or "hand [them] over" as you used? I wasn't trying to be flippant or offensive with that word choice.

Obviously it is a very hard decision, but that really wasn't my point. I think it's up to the child in question who they consider family. As I acknowledged, it sounds like this poster does. I was just disagreeing with you that birth families must be considered family. I don't think anyone gets to make that decision for an individual who has been adopted except that individual.

ryanandjoe4 · October 2015

STARMOON44 said:

STARMOON44 said:

Knottie954741 said:

Thanks everyone for your help. I think I typed what was in my head and left some things out. I HAVE cut out people from my adoptive family. People I'm not close to haven't been on the list at all. My real issue I guess, is that I just don't want to hurt feelings of people I just met/hardly know. That's the only reason I made a distinction between adoptive and bio family here. The people in my adoptive family who aren't invited aren't going to be surprised they're not invited, we're not close, we don't talk... blah blah blah... I'm worried that my "new" family members who don't know me as well are going to be hurt by not being invited, and it's not that... it's just that we really want to keep it small, and we are paying for everything ourselves. This space is perfect and exactly what we want. It's not that I want more people to come to the wedding, I don't... it's just how can I be tactful about saying, I'm glad you're in my life now, but we're keeping things simple?

I would again treat them like any other family member, because they are. I have the same ?? as PP are you not inviting anyone from the birth family, like the ones that you said your close to?

No one should assume that they are invited, and if it comes up, like PP said, just state that it was a very small wedding and we couldn't invite everyone. People will understand that, what would hurt my feelings as a birth family member is if you said, we only wanted family there.. So it should not hurt someone to not be invited it will only be your response to why it was a small wedding.. We couldn't afford to invite the whole family, We fell in love with a very small venue and couldn't invite everyone.
I also think it's fine to say you don't consider your birth family "family." It sounds like this poster does, but it would be perfectly acceptable for her, or any other child placed for adoption, to define their family as the people who raised them, and not the ones who gave them away, hurtful or not. I just think it's very important to consider carefully the message that you are sending and I think here perfectly fine to just invite people you are close to, whether through birth or adoption.

Considering she calls them Birth FAMILY, and that she lived with one for a while, and is close to some of them. sounds like family.. they should be treated like they have feelings, and like any other extended family member..

to bold, educate yourself, more adoptions are due to young kids not being ready, and doing what is best for the child. not "giving them up/away" this is offensive to say to anyone who is involved in an adoption. Deciding to hand your child over to someone else is the hardest decision that anyone can make.
I'm sorry I haven't used the right terminology- do you prefer the family who placed them for adoption? Obviously it is a very hard decision, but that really isn't the point. I think it's up to the child in question who they consider family. As I acknowledged, it sounds like this poster does. I was just disagreeing with you that birth families must be considered family. I don't think anyone gets to make that decision for an individual who has been adopted except that individual.

Why does that point have to be made here? no one stated that ALL birth family are family end of story.. we were responding to the fact that she called them family, and is close to some of them.. of course if you have no idea who your birth parents are, have birth relation to anyone that you're aware of then you don't invite them even to a large expensive wedding, or if they are someone you don't want to invite to anything.

As for terminology, yes placed is correct.. and while it isn't the point, and I knew that, there is an etiquette when talking about adoption, and saying "give up" give way" implies that the child was an object to just give away to someone. Or for the child that they were unwanted and just left to anyone. When majority of the time it is the opposite, that a birth mother has taken every step possible to do what is best for the child, and do a very selfless thing. The stigma with adoption is that the birth mother didn't want for selfish reasons, or is full of drugs and that is all they care about. When actually most parents on drugs get their child taken, they are not given.. Or they keep them and then use them to get $ for said drug use, then get them taken in time. Using the termonolgy that you did implies this stigma, if you meant to or not.

STARMOON44 · October 2015

Which is why I apologized.

SP29 · October 2015

Treat your birth family like the rest of your family. You are not required to invite anyone to your wedding. Invite those you want there, BECAUSE you want them there, not because they are family.

If you *really* WANT more people there, then you find a different venue that suits your guest list. But don't think you are required to do this.

Agreed that you never point out who isn't invited to an event. I agree with the sentiment of "We couldn't invite everyone we would have liked" or "We are keeping the wedding small" if anyone asks- but no one should assume to be invited.

If you want to let people know about your wedding without inviting them, one option is sending wedding announcements shortly after you have been married. It's a simple note about when you were married, and you could include a picture.

[Deleted User] · November 2015

I've kind of figured this whole situation out at this point, but just to be clear. I wasn't making a huge distinction when I'm saying "adoptive family" versus "birth family." I love both my families, and I am proud to be a child of adoption. Yes, my brother, sister and the aunt I lived with are invited. My question was more along the lines of more distant relatives... I guess I should never have even said "adoptive" and "birth" because it could apply to both/either family.

My adoptive family is WAY smaller than my birth family, so I only had siblings to invite on that end. My birth family however is full of aunts, uncles, cousins, friends of aunts and uncles who we call "aunt" and "uncle" and what-have-you. I was looking for a way to narrow down my list based on who I am close to and who I am not. If I invited everyone, our guest list would easily top 250. Our venue however can only host 100.

My FI and I decided (based on either a comment here or something I read I can't even remember anymore) that our guests should be people who we are very close to and have had a hand in/supported our relationship... And neither of us wanted to invite someone that the other person had never met. So we are now at our perfect amount, Save the Dates have been sent, and we're good to go!

Thank you to everyone for their input!

But do I invite them?

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