Wedding Dress Shopping Drama

Futuremrsmaelia · October 2015

Hey all, I have been engaged since July 4th and I knew it wouldn't be long before I encountered some drama. I come from a divorced family, so I planned on having my mom, step mom and two step sisters come dress shopping with me. They are the four most important women in my life and I want them to be part of the experience. My mom has become a complete drama queen over this whole fiasco and doesn't feel they have the "right" to attend. She even began guilt-tripping me and holding money over my head (she is paying for my dress). How does one put their own mother in her place without sounding like a complete biotch?

monkeysip · October 2015

If you can't get her to understand how you feel by having a good heart-to-heart, then you have to decline her $ to pay for the dress. You can't "put someone in their place" and also accept money from them at the same time.

Also, are you sure you want all of them together on this shopping trip? It sounds like enough drama having them at the wedding. Maybe you could do one trip with your mom, and one with the step-family? I just feel like shopping for a dress is already stressful, and I'd feel better if I didn't also have to worry about family drama. Plus, 4 opinions on your dress is a lot. That's up to you though.

ohmrs2014 · October 2015

I agree with PP. I would decline her money and save what you need for your own dress.

Once again to echo PP, dress shopping itself can be stressful. My mom and I were the only ones to go and when we found a few I liked, we went back with my dad (he paid). I had enough of a hard time dealing with just my mom, I couldn't imagine adding more people to the mix.

Futuremrsmaelia · October 2015

Since speaking to her earlier today, I'm leaning more toward declining her money and going dress shopping with a friend instead. It's stressful enough working, going to school and planning a wedding without the added drama. I want this to be a fun and enjoyable experience and so far, it has been nothing but a headache.

I'm just curious to see if anyone has had a similar experience and how they dealt with it.

Futuremrsmaelia · October 2015

It's such a difficult situation because I know that if I just went with my step sisters, it would be fun and they would completely support any dress choices as long as I was happy. It's just so frustrating that my mom has to make it all about her.

monkeysip · October 2015

Could this be about more than the dress? Maybe your mom is feeling left out in other ways?

I would go dress shopping with a friend, but maybe invite mom to something else. Spend some time bonding with her, but don't bring up the wedding.

Futuremrsmaelia · October 2015

I wouldn't doubt that there is something else underlying. She even went as far as to say that my step sisters and my step mom are my "friends" and not family lol. I guess you would have to know my mom to completely understand her batty ways, but it always has to be about her, so I shouldn't be surprised that she is acting this way.

ohmrs2014 · October 2015

Could your mom have wanted to experience this moment with just you two?

If thats the case, I can see why she would be upset, but its still your decision.

Futuremrsmaelia · October 2015

Thinking back to about a week ago, I think it's because she thinks that my step sisters don't like her. When I asked her why, she said "because they have never 'liked' or commented on anything she has posted on Facebook". I tried to explain to her that they have children and work for a living, so they don't even have time to spend on Facebook, but she doesn't get it.

levioosa · October 2015

Decline her money.

FWIW, I don't get shopping with huge groups of people. I've been to fittings where it's a whole group of us, and it always ends up getting very overwhelming for the bride, ESPECIALLY if her mother is a...strong personality. I would just cancel the group outing, decline your mom's money, and either go with a friend, or plan two separate trips, one with your mom, and one with your step sisters. If your mom persists tell her, "Mom, I love you, but this topic is closed for discussion." Boundaries are your friend. Remember, if you take her money, it comes with strings. Strings can be nasty. She's already shown you that she's not afraid to pull them.

Futuremrsmaelia · October 2015

levioosa said:

Decline her money.

FWIW, I don't get shopping with huge groups of people. I've been to fittings where it's a whole group of us, and it always ends up getting very overwhelming for the bride, ESPECIALLY if her mother is a...strong personality. I would just cancel the group outing, decline your mom's money, and either go with a friend, or plan two separate trips, one with your mom, and one with your step sisters. If your mom persists tell her, "Mom, I love you, but this topic is closed for discussion." Boundaries are your friend. Remember, if you take her money, it comes with strings. Strings can be nasty. She's already shown you that she's not afraid to pull them.

Good point. I think I may need to just spare myself the aggravation and just make a fun trip with a close friend. My step sisters will understand because they have both been through weddings of their own and are reasonable people :-D

Thank you for your advice :-)

kimmiinthemitten · October 2015

I come from a similar place. FMIL gets BSC over FSMIL too. I think the wedding signals an end to split parties and she knows it, which means her XH's "new family" will be less avoidable than they were for the last 30 + years. I try to be as cognizant of that as I can (admittedly hard; my parents have been divorced for 30 years and are friends) while still drawing a hard boundary that FI enforces.

It's important for her to know she'll always be his mom and has a special place, but that doesn't mean two weddings; and when and if we add a JR two of anything offspring related to protect a decades old grudge. Skip the group dress hunt, find something special for her while finding other ways to not exclude the other half of your family.

charlotte989875 · October 2015

Good luck OP, my Mom was pretty similar in that she didn't want anyone else shopping with us. So her and I shopped together then I invited my close friends to the first fitting. My Mom was even annoyed about that but she got over it. I agree with PPa that sometimes with dress fittings fewer opinions can be better. I've gone with friends and large groups and almost always (in my experience) the bride has gotten disappointed because someone didn't like what she liked or they really likes something the bride didn't. Less is more when it comes to dress shopping.

MairePoppy · October 2015

My daughter invited me and a bm to shop for her dress. The bm declined. I wouldn't have minded if she had invited her MIL, but I'm not going to lie, I loved the traditional mother/daughter shopping trip. She tried on at least 10 dresses, even though the second one she tried was 'the one.' She just wanted to be certain. I don't imagine a lot of other people would have had the patience for that, but I enjoyed it.

If your mom is generously offering to pay for your dress (and not because she wants control over it), then I think it's going to be very hurtful to turn down her money and leave her out of the process completely.

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