Lost a friend over wedding

AlmostMendez · October 2015

So I had a good friend who is getting married next year, I got engaged several months after her and set my date a month ahead of hers. She got really pissed at me and told me I was selfish and childish for doing that and that she would never forgive me. She was also upset because my FI and met after she got engaged and she feels as though we're rushing. Even though both our families are extremely supportive, and no-one has raised an eyebrow about our quick engagement. I was a BM in her wedding, but chose to drop out after her very rude texts and she refused to talk to me. I was very hurt because she belittled my relationship because we didn't date for 6 years like her and her FI, I told her oftentimes it's not how long you've known someone but how well you know them. Was I wrong for setting the date that we felt was right for us?

photokitty · October 2015

AlmostMendez said:
So I had a good friend who is getting married next year, I got engaged several months after her and set my date a month ahead of hers. She got really pissed at me and told me I was selfish and childish for doing that and that she would never forgive me. She was also upset because my FI and met after she got engaged and she feels as though we're rushing. Even though both our families are extremely supportive, and no-one has raised an eyebrow about our quick engagement. I was a BM in her wedding, but chose to drop out after her very rude texts and she refused to talk to me. I was very hurt because she belittled my relationship because we didn't date for 6 years like her and her FI, I told her oftentimes it's not how long you've known someone but how well you know them. Was I wrong for setting the date that we felt was right for us?

No, you weren't wrong. She gets one day. Sounds like you dodged a bullet. Move on and enjoy the instant stress reduction of not having to deal with her BSC.

Welcome and best wishes.

lyndausvi · October 2015

photokitty said:

So I had a good friend who is getting married next year, I got engaged several months after her and set my date a month ahead of hers. She got really pissed at me and told me I was selfish and childish for doing that and that she would never forgive me. She was also upset because my FI and met after she got engaged and she feels as though we're rushing. Even though both our families are extremely supportive, and no-one has raised an eyebrow about our quick engagement. I was a BM in her wedding, but chose to drop out after her very rude texts and she refused to talk to me. I was very hurt because she belittled my relationship because we didn't date for 6 years like her and her FI, I told her oftentimes it's not how long you've known someone but how well you know them. Was I wrong for setting the date that we felt was right for us?
No, you weren't wrong. She gets one day. Sounds like you dodged a bullet. Move on and enjoy the instant stress reduction of not having to deal with her BSC. Welcome and best wishes.

pretend I wrote this.

kimmiinthemitten · October 2015

AlmostMendez said:

So I had a good friend who is getting married next year, I got engaged several months after her and set my date a month ahead of hers. She got really pissed at me and told me I was selfish and childish for doing that and that she would never forgive me. She was also upset because my FI and met after she got engaged and she feels as though we're rushing. Even though both our families are extremely supportive, and no-one has raised an eyebrow about our quick engagement. I was a BM in her wedding, but chose to drop out after her very rude texts and she refused to talk to me. I was very hurt because she belittled my relationship because we didn't date for 6 years like her and her FI, I told her oftentimes it's not how long you've known someone but how well you know them. Was I wrong for setting the date that we felt was right for us?

No, you get one day and so does she. It shouldn't be a race to who weds first or a competition over who dated the longest.

. However, are you surprised the friendship ended after you dropped out from being a BM and are you hurt by it? Have you talked as friends, not as brides, about your friendship and expectations? Crazy people don't usually recognize when they're being crazy so I can't help but wonder if this is normal, expected behavior for her.

AlmostMendez · October 2015

Well I wasn't planning on dropping out of her wedding; until she went crazy on me. She was never really clear on what I had did to her exactly, so I'm assuming it was choosing a date before hers. I told her I wasn't trying to take away from her and there is no reason why we can't be happy for each other. I wasn't planning on having her as a BM, maybe a hostess but she wasn't playing a significant role in my wedding where she would have to be distracted from planning hers.

This behavior is totally out of left field, we've been friends for years and we've never had any real conflict. We haven't spoken in almost 2 months and we have a lot of mutual friends; but I've been very hush hush on what happened to avoid drama, I'm not sure if she's gone in depth to our friends about it though.

photokitty · October 2015

AlmostMendez said:
Well I wasn't planning on dropping out of her wedding; until she went crazy on me. She was never really clear on what I had did to her exactly, so I'm assuming it was choosing a date before hers. I told her I wasn't trying to take away from her and there is no reason why we can't be happy for each other. I wasn't planning on having her as a BM, maybe a hostess but she wasn't playing a significant role in my wedding where she would have to be distracted from planning hers.

This behavior is totally out of left field, we've been friends for years and we've never had any real conflict. We haven't spoken in almost 2 months and we have a lot of mutual friends; but I've been very hush hush on what happened to avoid drama, I'm not sure if she's gone in depth to our friends about it though.

Another bullet dodged...asking people to be a hostess at your wedding is not an honor, it's a bullshit job. Don't do it. If you need work done at your wedding, hire a day of coordinator. Don't ask your friends to run errands. House party, hostesses, attendants, junior bridesmaids are all made up jobs, and rude ways to put your nearest and dearest to work.

The hosts of the wedding are traditionally the couple and/or one or both sets of parents. Totally different than what you are suggesting though.

Eta..bridesmaids also don't have to do anything for your wedding that would distract from their lives. They buy the required dress, show up at the wedding - sober and stand up with you.

AlmostMendez · October 2015

We do have a day of coordinator, when I say hostess I just mean someone to point people in the general direction of the ceremony and ask them to sign the guestbook. I'm trying to minimize stress on people for the wedding and avoid being a Bridezilla because I've been on the other end of that and it sucks!

For some reason she expected me as a BM to do things her MOH should be doing. She told me she was stressed out enough about her wedding and that she didn't need this and that IF I was still getting married after her then she would be happy to help with anything I need.

I just hate to write someone off after so many years of friendship, but it is good to know that I'm not in the wrong. I feel like you get ONE day not an entire month and friends can be happy at the same time. It's like she felt like she had to wait years to get proposed too, and everyone else should have to wait that long too... Thank you everyone for the advice.

JediElizabeth · October 2015

AlmostMendez said: We do have a day of coordinator, when I say hostess I just mean someone to point people in the general direction of the ceremony and ask them to sign the guestbook. I'm trying to minimize stress on people for the wedding and avoid being a Bridezilla because I've been on the other end of that and it sucks!
For some reason she expected me as a BM to do things her MOH should be doing. She told me she was stressed out enough about her wedding and that she didn't need this and that IF I was still getting married after her then she would be happy to help with anything I need.
I just hate to write someone off after so many years of friendship, but it is good to know that I'm not in the wrong. I feel like you get ONE day not an entire month and friends can be happy at the same time. It's like she felt like she had to wait years to get proposed too, and everyone else should have to wait that long too... Thank you everyone for the advice.

>>BOXES<<

Wait....Set aside the bullshit about "IF" (because it is indeed bullshit and you should not dwell on it. That's 100% her being a bitch)....in your OP you said that you set y our date a month ahead of hers. Here she's saying you're getting married after her.

Was this a typo, or did she actually suggest that you change your wedding date so she could get married first?

Edited for disappearing boxes

AlmostMendez · October 2015

No you read right, my wedding is before hers but she suggested I get married after her. In all honesty I did not set my date ahead of hers as some kind of competition. I wanted a spring wedding and I had to work with the venue. Also my FI is from Central America and we want to honeymoon in his home country, we want to go there before their rainy season starts. I've been there before and even though it's summer here, its humid and rainy and not very romantic down there.

jacques27 · October 2015

AlmostMendez said:

We do have a day of coordinator, when I say hostess I just mean someone to point people in the general direction of the ceremony and ask them to sign the guestbook. I'm trying to minimize stress on people for the wedding and avoid being a Bridezilla because I've been on the other end of that and it sucks!

For some reason she expected me as a BM to do things her MOH should be doing. She told me she was stressed out enough about her wedding and that she didn't need this and that IF I was still getting married after her then she would be happy to help with anything I need.

I just hate to write someone off after so many years of friendship, but it is good to know that I'm not in the wrong. I feel like you get ONE day not an entire month and friends can be happy at the same time. It's like she felt like she had to wait years to get proposed too, and everyone else should have to wait that long too... Thank you everyone for the advice.

Never ask someone to do the same job (cause it's job) a sign could do. It's not an honor; it's insulting. And people don't need to be told to sign a guestbook; it's obvious. Just make a sign.

And you say this is uncharacteristic for your friend. Did you try talking to her calmly after things died down and before you just dropped out of her wedding? I mean, yes, in theory you did nothing wrong by choosing to get engaged and get married when you did. But if this is truly uncharacteristic for her, it would probably behoove you to at least attempt having a rational discussion with her when cooler heads prevail instead of just ending everything. I personally don't understand the whole "stealing my thunder" mentality, but apparently it's a thing and realistically feelings don't always obey the laws of reason. Taking time away to cool and then talking things out might be a good idea, especially if this seems like a one-off thing. She's probably overly sensitive since she did wait so long and having a hard time seeing beyond that right now. And if nothing comes of the discussion, then you can walk away knowing you tried.

MobKaz · October 2015

jacques27 said:

AlmostMendez said:

We do have a day of coordinator, when I say hostess I just mean someone to point people in the general direction of the ceremony and ask them to sign the guestbook. I'm trying to minimize stress on people for the wedding and avoid being a Bridezilla because I've been on the other end of that and it sucks!

For some reason she expected me as a BM to do things her MOH should be doing. She told me she was stressed out enough about her wedding and that she didn't need this and that IF I was still getting married after her then she would be happy to help with anything I need.

I just hate to write someone off after so many years of friendship, but it is good to know that I'm not in the wrong. I feel like you get ONE day not an entire month and friends can be happy at the same time. It's like she felt like she had to wait years to get proposed too, and everyone else should have to wait that long too... Thank you everyone for the advice.

Never ask someone to do the same job (cause it's job) a sign could do. It's not an honor; it's insulting. And people don't need to be told to sign a guestbook; it's obvious. Just make a sign.

And you say this is uncharacteristic for your friend. Did you try talking to her calmly after things died down and before you just dropped out of her wedding? I mean, yes, in theory you did nothing wrong by choosing to get engaged and get married when you did. But if this is truly uncharacteristic for her, it would probably behoove you to at least attempt having a rational discussion with her when cooler heads prevail instead of just ending everything. I personally don't understand the whole "stealing my thunder" mentality, but apparently it's a thing and realistically feelings don't always obey the laws of reason. Taking time away to cool and then talking things out might be a good idea, especially if this seems like a one-off thing. She's probably overly sensitive since she did wait so long and having a hard time seeing beyond that right now. And if nothing comes of the discussion, then you can walk away knowing you tried.

PP's have already discussed the dreaded "hostess" position. However, it should also be noted that there are also no "things" that the MOH should be doing, and as such, there should be no expectation that these "things" be delegated to the BM.

Weddings bring out the crazy in people. If, when wedding planning, brides stopped referring to their wedding party as their "girls", or BM's, and maintained the concept and label of "friend", there might be much less drama.

AlmostMendez · October 2015

I always thought a hostess was a female equivalent of an usher, I've been one several times and I never really did anything besides greet guest and point them in the right direction at the wedding. I guess we can just do a cute sign instead.

I tried to talk to her a few days later but she didn't want to talk to me at that point. then a few weeks later she sent me a text that said "Is it safe to assume you're bowing out of this bridesmaid role? I need to make my arrangements" so I just said yes.

At first I didn't want our friendship to end over this, but she has really held some animosity towards me, and she said a lot of mean and nasty things to me, even after I reached out to her again. I'm really not the type who likes conflict, so I haven't discussed it with friends, that's why I came on here for advice. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that maybe I don't want to be friends with someone with like that, and maybe our friendship has just run it's course.

kimmiinthemitten · October 2015

AlmostMendez said:

I always thought a hostess was a female equivalent of an usher, I've been one several times and I never really did anything besides greet guest and point them in the right direction at the wedding. I guess we can just do a cute sign instead.

I tried to talk to her a few days later but she didn't want to talk to me at that point. then a few weeks later she sent me a text that said "Is it safe to assume you're bowing out of this bridesmaid role? I need to make my arrangements" so I just said yes.

At first I didn't want our friendship to end over this, but she has really held some animosity towards me, and she said a lot of mean and nasty things to me, even after I reached out to her again. I'm really not the type who likes conflict, so I haven't discussed it with friends, that's why I came on here for advice. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that maybe I don't want to be friends with someone with like that, and maybe our friendship has just run it's course.

Eew so it sounds like she replaced you too?!?!

switSwoo00 · October 2015

AlmostMendez said:

So I had a good friend who is getting married next year, I got engaged several months after her and set my date a month ahead of hers. She got really pissed at me and told me I was selfish and childish for doing that and that she would never forgive me. She was also upset because my FI and met after she got engaged and she feels as though we're rushing. Even though both our families are extremely supportive, and no-one has raised an eyebrow about our quick engagement. I was a BM in her wedding, but chose to drop out after her very rude texts and she refused to talk to me. I was very hurt because she belittled my relationship because we didn't date for 6 years like her and her FI, I told her oftentimes it's not how long you've known someone but how well you know them. Was I wrong for setting the date that we felt was right for us?

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This may come over as a little critical but I don't intend to be, I just want you to think carefully about it all from your friend's point of view. I am also not suggesting for a moment that just because feelings are powerful, it doesn't mean that they are right. People can behave very irrationally at times and of course it doesn't give them a free pass to be an ass. However, if this girl really is your long term friend then perhaps it's worth investing in trying to figure this out with her.

Sometimes when someone has waited a very long time for something that they want so desperately, when they finally get it, it can feel very overwhelming. It's not okay, but I found that many people started to judge my relationship with my (now) FI as not as 'good' as other couples who were starting to get married. As if we hadn't settled down somehow, even though we own a house together, have a cat, have supported one another through illness, injury and grief etc. Your friend 'waited' six years for a proposal (although that is just one interpretation - maybe she was not ready either?). Maybe she got sick of people asking her when they would be getting married and worried about them judging her relationship. Maybe she started to worry that they would never do it, and to believe the stuff about marriage being the ultimate commitment and to worry that she and her FI would never 'get there'. Then within the time that she has finally been engaged, you have met, dated and become engaged to your FI and you'll be married by the time she gets to the alter. Do you see how this might be interpreted by her as a bit of a race? Again, I must emphasise that I am not necessarily agreeing, but maybe this is how she sees it. Not fair, but that's people for you.

No, you don't get a whole month for your wedding and you're right that it's one day.I understand that this has not been nice for you - However to the bolded: the way you've written this could be interpreted like you have belittled her relationship....like you were saying: 'it took you guys a whole six years to know one another, but my FI and I have done it in no time at all!' Again, I am not saying this is the case but maybe it's how she read into it.

delujm0 · October 2015

DH and I had been together for 10 years by the time our wedding rolled around. We went to literally DOZENS of weddings for couples that met after us and were engaged, married, and in some cases, had children before we even got engaged. We were happy for all of them, because we love our friends.

My two best friends and I were all in each other's weddings, and we all got married in a 6 month window. we got engaged in this order: me, friend A, friend B. We got married in this order: friend B, friend A, me. Friend A had been with her FI about the same amount of time as DH and I had been together, friend B had been with hers for only 2 years. Friend A's wedding was only two weeks before mine, and this in no way affected me or made me less happy for her. She scheduled her honeymoon so that she'd be back in time to be in my wedding, which was awesome.

This is what reasonable people do and how they react. Your friend is not reasonable. It's probably better than you broke this off.

ryanandjoe4 · October 2015

this story sounds a lot like the other side of this:

http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1064073/bm-shotgun-wedding-timing/p1

And people on there are saying the same, that she isn't entitled to a month, week, or even a weekend.. you could have yours on Sunday the day after hers and she cant say boo.. it sounds like she kicked you out and replaced you, I would let this all blow over, enjoy your wedding, and planning, and if this truly isn't a typical thing for her then she may come to her senses once the whole wedding is over..

pinkcow13 · October 2015

AlmostMendez said:

I always thought a hostess was a female equivalent of an usher, I've been one several times and I never really did anything besides greet guest and point them in the right direction at the wedding. I guess we can just do a cute sign instead.

I tried to talk to her a few days later but she didn't want to talk to me at that point. then a few weeks later she sent me a text that said "Is it safe to assume you're bowing out of this bridesmaid role? I need to make my arrangements" so I just said yes.

At first I didn't want our friendship to end over this, but she has really held some animosity towards me, and she said a lot of mean and nasty things to me, even after I reached out to her again. I'm really not the type who likes conflict, so I haven't discussed it with friends, that's why I came on here for advice. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that maybe I don't want to be friends with someone with like that, and maybe our friendship has just run it's course.

Yea, make a sign. I don't know where your venue is, but people can figure out on their own where the ceremony is. And a lot of times the people who work at the venue will point people in the right direction. And honestly, the guestbook is not that serious. People will sign it, or they won't. We had a guest book, but didn't make a sign, it was placed somewhere. Not everyone signed it, and honestly, we couldn't care less. Personally, I think it's annoying when someone tries to get me to sign the guestbook.But I would be way more annoyed at a wedding if I had to "work." I want to mingle with friends and or family, not have to stand around pointing things out, you know?

And it sucks about your friend. Weddings do bring out the worst in some people. They get so caught up in the wedding, and give no thought the important part, which is the marriage. I'm sorry you lost a friend, maybe she will realize what an ass she was and apologize. If not, I guess you have one less toxic person in your life.

VicTim328 · October 2015

I can sympathize with the friend to an extent. She's been in a relationship for a long time, but, for who knows why, is not yet married.

My best friend dated her now FI for 4 years before they were engaged. Education, jobs, long distance just didn't allow for the relationship to progress quickly. They knew they would get married, but many pieces had to fall into place. He finally moved to be closer to her, and she waited another year for him to gain job stability. The week he moved here, I met my FI, we started to date, and were engaged 2 months after they were. FI and I set our date before she did. We are in each others' weddings. It's been fun to go through the whole process with my best friend. There are no hard feelings. We are both elated for each other, and could not be happier that we are both experiencing this milestone at the same time.

If you were in my grandparents' shoes, your friend would have a right to be concerned (they met, went on first date, and got engaged on the same day... married 6 weeks later). But it doesn't sound like you are.

If this is completely out of character for her something must truly be bothering her. It could be she is insanely jealous you are having your wedding before she is. Is she upset about not being asked to be a bridesmaid in your wedding? Is she taking out problems with her FI on you? You may find out eventually, or you will never know. Regardless, her behavior is uncalled for and rude.

I wouldn't try to do anything more to reach out. It's tough with so many mutual friends, but you dodged a bullet, at least for now. If there is something wrong, she could always reach out to you.

Sorry to hear you are going through this.

wmam35 · October 2015

Your former friend is being very selfish. I was "that person" that waited years to be engaged, while I watched a few of my friends start dating someone, get engaged, and married, all before I got engaged and they had started dating after we did. Was I disappointed that I wasn't engaged? Oh sure. Was that my friends' faults? NO. Did they deserve for me to be selfish and expect them to wait so that I could be first? NO. Once I got engaged, a bunch of my friends did as well (one of my friends even got engaged the same day that I did) and it was very exciting! It ended up being the "year of the weddings" and we all had a blast seeing each other more often and spending time together at various events. It's a shame your friend can't think of that aspect of it.

teddygirl9 · October 2015

I can see how a friend might be worried that you met and got engaged within a few months, that sounds like a concerned friend. But how she is acting is way out of line. I think you might be better off without her unfortunately.

TheCheeseWench · October 2015

AlmostMendez said:

I always thought a hostess was a female equivalent of an usher, I've been one several times and I never really did anything besides greet guest and point them in the right direction at the wedding. I guess we can just do a cute sign instead.

I tried to talk to her a few days later but she didn't want to talk to me at that point. then a few weeks later she sent me a text that said "Is it safe to assume you're bowing out of this bridesmaid role? I need to make my arrangements" so I just said yes.

At first I didn't want our friendship to end over this, but she has really held some animosity towards me, and she said a lot of mean and nasty things to me, even after I reached out to her again. I'm really not the type who likes conflict, so I haven't discussed it with friends, that's why I came on here for advice. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that maybe I don't want to be friends with someone with like that, and maybe our friendship has just run it's course.

"Usher" is an unnecessary job too. People know how to sit. As PP said your MOH does not have any "duties" aside from showing up in the designated dress.

As for your former friend, she's being an ass.

Lost a friend over wedding

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