Bridesmaid for a Wedding That is a an Etiquette Nightmare

colasuda · October 2015

A dear friend of mine recently got engaged. When she asked me to be a bridesmaid, I was honored. After checking my calendar/finances/life state, I told her I would love to stand up with her. Now that she is in the thick of planning, and committing some serious etiquette faux pas, I'm wondering what my place is here. I'm not one to tell someone else their business, but since I'm standing up with her, do I have any responsibility to let her know that some people may be offended with the way that she's doing things?

A few of the issues:

1. A four hour gap. She's going with a 1 PM ceremony, and a 6 PM dinner reception. She has a lot of out of town guests, and I'm worried that they'll be frustrated with four hours of down time.

2. Tiered reception. She's having an open ceremony, which is common in our Church. But she's only inviting certain people to certain parts of the reception. The guest list splits our circle of friends, and I just know feelings are going to be hurt.

3. Cash bar.

I love this girl, and I know she means well. I'm not sure she realizes how rude these things are. Stepping down as a bridesmaid would severely damage our friendship, but I'm worried that bringing any of these issues up would do the same. (The gap is already set in stone, since she has booked the venues and put down the deposits.) I'm definitely a fan of the "not my circus, not my monkeys" mentality, so my instinct is to just let everything be. I'm just wondering if that's the best route.

OliveOilsMom · October 2015

colasuda said:

A dear friend of mine recently got engaged. When she asked me to be a bridesmaid, I was honored. After checking my calendar/finances/life state, I told her I would love to stand up with her. Now that she is in the thick of planning, and committing some serious etiquette faux pas, I'm wondering what my place is here. I'm not one to tell someone else their business, but since I'm standing up with her, do I have any responsibility to let her know that some people may be offended with the way that she's doing things?

A few of the issues:

1. A four hour gap. She's going with a 1 PM ceremony, and a 6 PM dinner reception. She has a lot of out of town guests, and I'm worried that they'll be frustrated with four hours of down time.
2. Tiered reception. She's having an open ceremony, which is common in our Church. But she's only inviting certain people to certain parts of the reception. The guest list splits our circle of friends, and I just know feelings are going to be hurt.
3. Cash bar.

I love this girl, and I know she means well. I'm not sure she realizes how rude these things are. Stepping down as a bridesmaid would severely damage our friendship, but I'm worried that bringing any of these issues up would do the same. (The gap is already set in stone, since she has booked the venues and put down the deposits.) I'm definitely a fan of the "not my circus, not my monkeys" mentality, so my instinct is to just let everything be. I'm just wondering if that's the best route.

Unless she directly asks for advice, you may want to just let her stay on her bad etiquette train. She probably won't listen to unsolicited advice.

Or you could direct her here and we can tell her how her plan is awful.

Jen4948 · October 2015

If you continue to be her bridesmaid, knowing that all this is happening, will it cause your relationships with anyone else who is negatively affected by these things to suffer?

Do you really want to continue your friendship with someone who would do all these breaches of etiquette and set them in stone?

If the answer to the first question is yes, and the answer to the second is no, then step down. Otherwise, if you really prefer the "not my circus, not my monkeys" mentality, then just let things be and let her catch the blame. Make plans of your own for the four hour gap and bring cash with you to the reception to pay for your drinks.

Edited to add: If you choose to address them with her, I'd tell her that you're worried that her other guests will be hurt by these breaches but not that they're "rude." That won't go over well. You can of course send her over here.

Liatris2010 · October 2015

I think this depends on how close you are. Presumably, if you are close enough to be in the wedding, you are close enough for honest input. That being said, pick your battles. I might let the gap go, and focus on the cash bar and tiered hosting. I know in my circle gaps are common, but I have never seen a cash bar or tiered reception.

It isn't your responsibility to correct people, but I also think that friends should help one another avoid landmines, and I think the tiered reception is going to blow up in your friend's face big time.

banana468 · October 2015

This is really tricky. The only possible way I could see you approaching her is if you said something about looking up some things in wedding planning and you came across the following points that tell her why those things are against etiquette.

Only you know your friend. I'd approach a close friend who was doing something like splitting the guest list or having a four hour gap to tell her about why those things may lead to frustrated / offended guests. You will probably need to tread lightly but as a BM, you're hopefully close enough to say something in a matter of fact way vs. an emotional one.

ryanandjoe4 · October 2015

If asked I would say something.. I am a fan of the "not my circus, not my monkeys".. If your able to bring it up completely randomly, then send her here.

The part about splitting up circles of friends, and the tired reception? Where did that come from, and why is she splitting up friends? How is she justifying/explaining that people are walking into a already happening reception like they are late? (Sorry I have never heard of this even in all my lurking on here)

julieanne912 · October 2015

I think out of those 3 blunders, the tiered reception is the worst one. Is there a way you can tactfully tell her that some people's feelings might be hurt by only being invited to part of her wedding/reception?

The other two, while they both suck, probably aren't worth mentioning to her because while they are annoying and piss people off, they're probably not friendship ending moves. A tiered reception, in my opinion, is a friendship ending move.

colasuda · October 2015

Thanks, guys. I do want to remain her friend (honestly she'd have to do a lot worse than host a rude wedding for me to cut her from my life--like I mentioned, I don't think she realizes how much she is potentially hurting some of her guests.) I don't think that standing up for her in the wedding will harm any of my other relationships. We have the type of relationship where honest communication works well, and I do feel close enough to bring these issues up with her, but right now she is in the recently engaged, cloud nine phase of planning. I know that any dissent at this point would not only fall on deaf ears, but seriously hurt her feelings. I don't want to do that.

As for the question about the tiered reception: only family and close friends are invited to the dinner part of the reception, and everyone else is invited to the dance afterwards. We have a pretty extended friend group. I'm not sure why some people "made the cut" and some didn't (I know she limited it due to cost, but how she decided who was "close enough" and who wasn't is beyond me.) Apparently in her culture, this is a little more common but still. It's obviously unacceptable and there will be hurt feelings. This is the part that worries me the most, and I think I will bring up the fact that she will be alienating a lot of people who love her by going this route. The cash bar/gap are secondary, in my opinion, and I feel that raising those issues at this point would do more harm than good.

I love the idea of sending her here. I'll tell her that this site has been super helpful in planning my wedding, and send her a link.

ryanandjoe4 · October 2015

colasuda said:

Thanks, guys. I do want to remain her friend (honestly she'd have to do a lot worse than host a rude wedding for me to cut her from my life--like I mentioned, I don't think she realizes how much she is potentially hurting some of her guests.) I don't think that standing up for her in the wedding will harm any of my other relationships. We have the type of relationship where honest communication works well, and I do feel close enough to bring these issues up with her, but right now she is in the recently engaged, cloud nine phase of planning. I know that any dissent at this point would not only fall on deaf ears, but seriously hurt her feelings. I don't want to do that.

As for the question about the tiered reception: only family and close friends are invited to the dinner part of the reception, and everyone else is invited to the dance afterwards. We have a pretty extended friend group. I'm not sure why some people "made the cut" and some didn't (I know she limited it due to cost, but how she decided who was "close enough" and who wasn't is beyond me.) Apparently in her culture, this is a little more common but still. It's obviously unacceptable and there will be hurt feelings. This is the part that worries me the most, and I think I will bring up the fact that she will be alienating a lot of people who love her by going this route. The cash bar/gap are secondary, in my opinion, and I feel that raising those issues at this point would do more harm than good.

I love the idea of sending her here. I'll tell her that this site has been super helpful in planning my wedding, and send her a link.

julieanne912 worst part of the whole thing, sounds like someone wanted a bigger wedding than they could afford to host.. or doesn't know what a reception is really for..

colasuda · October 2015

ryanandjoe4 said:

colasuda said:

Thanks, guys. I do want to remain her friend (honestly she'd have to do a lot worse than host a rude wedding for me to cut her from my life--like I mentioned, I don't think she realizes how much she is potentially hurting some of her guests.) I don't think that standing up for her in the wedding will harm any of my other relationships. We have the type of relationship where honest communication works well, and I do feel close enough to bring these issues up with her, but right now she is in the recently engaged, cloud nine phase of planning. I know that any dissent at this point would not only fall on deaf ears, but seriously hurt her feelings. I don't want to do that.

As for the question about the tiered reception: only family and close friends are invited to the dinner part of the reception, and everyone else is invited to the dance afterwards. We have a pretty extended friend group. I'm not sure why some people "made the cut" and some didn't (I know she limited it due to cost, but how she decided who was "close enough" and who wasn't is beyond me.) Apparently in her culture, this is a little more common but still. It's obviously unacceptable and there will be hurt feelings. This is the part that worries me the most, and I think I will bring up the fact that she will be alienating a lot of people who love her by going this route. The cash bar/gap are secondary, in my opinion, and I feel that raising those issues at this point would do more harm than good.

I love the idea of sending her here. I'll tell her that this site has been super helpful in planning my wedding, and send her a link.

Do these people know they are not getting dinner?!julieanne912 worst part of the whole thing, sounds like someone wanted a bigger wedding than they could afford to host.. or doesn't know what a reception is really for..

BOXES

Theoretically, they would know. I know she was planning on sending separate invites: some that said "dinner and dancing" and others that just said "dessert and dancing." This thread actually inspired me to text her. We are getting coffee later and I'm going to bring up how hurtful it is. At the end of the day, the gap and the cash bar suck, but I don't think either would end any of her friendships. This tiered reception nonsense definitely will. As her friend, I feel as though this is something I just can't let go.

ryanandjoe4 · October 2015

colasuda said:

ryanandjoe4 said:

colasuda said:

Thanks, guys. I do want to remain her friend (honestly she'd have to do a lot worse than host a rude wedding for me to cut her from my life--like I mentioned, I don't think she realizes how much she is potentially hurting some of her guests.) I don't think that standing up for her in the wedding will harm any of my other relationships. We have the type of relationship where honest communication works well, and I do feel close enough to bring these issues up with her, but right now she is in the recently engaged, cloud nine phase of planning. I know that any dissent at this point would not only fall on deaf ears, but seriously hurt her feelings. I don't want to do that.

As for the question about the tiered reception: only family and close friends are invited to the dinner part of the reception, and everyone else is invited to the dance afterwards. We have a pretty extended friend group. I'm not sure why some people "made the cut" and some didn't (I know she limited it due to cost, but how she decided who was "close enough" and who wasn't is beyond me.) Apparently in her culture, this is a little more common but still. It's obviously unacceptable and there will be hurt feelings. This is the part that worries me the most, and I think I will bring up the fact that she will be alienating a lot of people who love her by going this route. The cash bar/gap are secondary, in my opinion, and I feel that raising those issues at this point would do more harm than good.

I love the idea of sending her here. I'll tell her that this site has been super helpful in planning my wedding, and send her a link.

Do these people know they are not getting dinner?!julieanne912 worst part of the whole thing, sounds like someone wanted a bigger wedding than they could afford to host.. or doesn't know what a reception is really for..

BOXES

Theoretically, they would know. I know she was planning on sending separate invites: some that said "dinner and dancing" and others that just said "dessert and dancing." This thread actually inspired me to text her. We are getting coffee later and I'm going to bring up how hurtful it is. At the end of the day, the gap and the cash bar suck, but I don't think either would end any of her friendships. This tiered reception nonsense definitely will. As her friend, I feel as though this is something I just can't let go.

I would still be angry that I walked in early to a reception taking place like I was late, and see some eating a dinner, and also does that mean some have a 4 hour gap and some have a 5 hour gap? I just think this is also a logistics nightmare. good luck hope she can see past her "vision"

banana468 · October 2015

I agree with you. A large issue I'd have is that if the friends aren't in the culture, then they shouldn't be expected to understand it - because in THEIR culture, it's rude.

IMO, understanding a culture is understanding that a tea ceremony may immediately follow a Chinese ceremony. Or a polka might be a common dance at a Polish wedding. You should not do something that is rude to those in one culture and say that those affected should understand because that's what you do in YOUR culture when this is a choice.

colasuda · October 2015

banana468 said:

I agree with you. A large issue I'd have is that if the friends aren't in the culture, then they shouldn't be expected to understand it - because in THEIR culture, it's rude.

IMO, understanding a culture is understanding that a tea ceremony may immediately follow a Chinese ceremony. Or a polka might be a common dance at a Polish wedding. You should not do something that is rude to those in one culture and say that those affected should understand because that's what you do in YOUR culture when this is a choice.

Oh, I completely agree. Culture is not an excuse for rudeness. I only brought it up because I feel that someone raised in her culture may not realize how hurtful this custom will seem to someone raised outside of it. She's really not a bad or rude person--just maybe a bit oblivious in this regard.

peachy13 · October 2015

I was a bridesmaid in a friend's wedding last year that was very much like the one you're in. Gap in between ceremony and reception, cash bar, OH and it was a PPD! And the couple didn't tell half their guests that they were already married months before in town hall. Less severely, the bride assumed our budget, picked expensive (and ugly) bridesmaid dresses, and gave us jobs. Jobs. I was in charge of planning the bachelorette party, someone else had to help the bride with centerpieces, someone else had to go with her to vendor appts, etc. Yeah. Fun.

I think she knew a lot of these things were wrong but did them anyway. I'm a pretty passive person and I hate confrontation so it was actually pretty easy for me to just go along with it and keep my mouth shut, though I of course knew a lot of what she was doing was pretty awful. Now it's my turn to get married and she is a bridesmaid. She keeps asking me things like "what do you want me to do?" and I say things like "oh nothing, you just need to show up! Me and FI are taking care of that!" Or she'll ask "are you guys doing a cash bar?" And I'll say "No! No one should be paying for anything all night!"

Slow, passive burn to her PPD trainwreck a year later.

colasuda · October 2015

peachy13 said:

I was a bridesmaid in a friend's wedding last year that was very much like the one you're in. Gap in between ceremony and reception, cash bar, OH and it was a PPD! And the couple didn't tell half their guests that they were already married months before in town hall. Less severely, the bride assumed our budget, picked expensive (and ugly) bridesmaid dresses, and gave us jobs. Jobs. I was in charge of planning the bachelorette party, someone else had to help the bride with centerpieces, someone else had to go with her to vendor appts, etc. Yeah. Fun.

I think she knew a lot of these things were wrong but did them anyway. I'm a pretty passive person and I hate confrontation so it was actually pretty easy for me to just go along with it and keep my mouth shut, though I of course knew a lot of what she was doing was pretty awful. Now it's my turn to get married and she is a bridesmaid. She keeps asking me things like "what do you want me to do?" and I say things like "oh nothing, you just need to show up! Me and FI are taking care of that!" Or she'll ask "are you guys doing a cash bar?" And I'll say "No! No one should be paying for anything all night!"

Slow, passive burn to her PPD trainwreck a year later.

I love the fact that you can refer to your wedding to show her the error of her ways! I made a few comments like referring to my wedding ("Of course everyone is invited to the entire receptions!") but she was not picking up what I was putting down.

thisismynickname2 · October 2015

I, too, was a bridesmaid in a wedding facing some etiquette faux-pas. The way I handled it- so long as things weren't a done deal already-- was asking questions. "Oh, why is that? Did you consider x? Gosh, I just think some people might be offended... so did you think about y option instead?"

I tried to help brainstorm some non-rude options rather than flat-out tell her the ideas were bad.

PrettyGirlLost · October 2015

Holy shit! So the people who aren't invited to dinner will have an even longer gap than just 4 hours. Plus, they will discover pretty quickly that they didn't make the cut for dinner since they have mutual friends who did.

I'd absolutely tell my good friend that this is a very, very bad idea that will likely result in many people being offended and that she may even lose friendships over it. Then I'd warn her that with a gap that long many people may skip her ceremony, so be prepared.

anjemon · October 2015

Would it also be good to bring up the logistical issues? Like a PP mentioned, someone arriving a little early to the "dancing" portion of the reception would likely see people sitting down and eating. Then they would know there was something they had missed out on. Maybe point out the issues of trying to get everyone in and see if that helps change her mind? Because I have been to weddings with cash bars and gaps, but the wedding where we got a "dancing only" invitation is the only one that still annoys me and makes me think the friend was a jerk.

colasuda · October 2015

So I got back from coffee with my friend. I asked how planning was going, and she is still very excited. And then the best thing happened--she actually asked my opinion on both the cash bar AND the tiered reception! I told her that I felt guests shouldn't have to open their wallets at a wedding, and that a dry wedding is preferable to a cash bar. She actually felt relieved--she has some family members who are recovering alcoholics (and a few that are not in recovery) so the whole idea of having booze was turning her off anyway. So it sounds like they are doing a dry wedding (or possibly just hosted wine.)

The tiered reception thing was a little tougher. Apparently her venue coordinator had told her that tiered receptions do not go over well, so she was rethinking that. I told her I agreed with the coordinator and that I think that there would definitely be hurt feelings. She got pretty emotional here, as they just don't have the funds to host everyone that they would like to. I feel her pain. The venue allows for outside catering, so she still has time to plan a meal for all of her guests within her budget. She was disappointed (one of the reasons she chose the venue was because of their menu) but she accepted that she'd rather have the larger guest list over the fancy food.

The gap is already established, since she's booked both the Church and the venue. (Also, most of the guest list is Catholic, and our circle seems to expect a gap. Not trying to defend it or anything, but I have a feeling that it won't be as alienating as the other things would be.) I guess you can't win them all. But everything actually worked out better than expected!

ryanandjoe4 · October 2015

colasuda said:

So I got back from coffee with my friend. I asked how planning was going, and she is still very excited. And then the best thing happened--she actually asked my opinion on both the cash bar AND the tiered reception! I told her that I felt guests shouldn't have to open their wallets at a wedding, and that a dry wedding is preferable to a cash bar. She actually felt relieved--she has some family members who are recovering alcoholics (and a few that are not in recovery) so the whole idea of having booze was turning her off anyway. So it sounds like they are doing a dry wedding (or possibly just hosted wine.)

The tiered reception thing was a little tougher. Apparently her venue coordinator had told her that tiered receptions do not go over well, so she was rethinking that. I told her I agreed with the coordinator and that I think that there would definitely be hurt feelings. She got pretty emotional here, as they just don't have the funds to host everyone that they would like to. I feel her pain. The venue allows for outside catering, so she still has time to plan a meal for all of her guests within her budget. She was disappointed (one of the reasons she chose the venue was because of their menu) but she accepted that she'd rather have the larger guest list over the fancy food.

The gap is already established, since she's booked both the Church and the venue. (Also, most of the guest list is Catholic, and our circle seems to expect a gap. Not trying to defend it or anything, but I have a feeling that it won't be as alienating as the other things would be.) I guess you can't win them all. But everything actually worked out better than expected!

Awesome!

To bold, I am having a catholic wedding this Saturday, with no gap, we will be taking pictures in between, but the Cocktail hour with snacks and bar open, the ceremony should end at ~6:30, and the drive is 20 minutes (closest one, small town, and wanted specific church that FI grew up going to) so with drive time there is no gap the party starts as soon as the guest can arrive from the ceremony.

monkeysip · October 2015

If you want to avoid the drama, I wouldn't blame you for saying nothing.

But if this were my good friend, I'd try to at least address the tiered reception thing. Just come from a "these are our friends, and I'm worried they may have hurt feelings if you do this" perspective. Come from a point of concern. And if she shoots you down, don't push it to make it a fight.

The gap and cash bar are really annoying but forgivable as a friend. A tiered reception? I'd be so offended as a "second tier" guest, I wouldn't want to be that person's friend anymore.

Edit because I'm stupid and didn't read the whole thing. Glad it worked out and she's not doing the tiered reception!

colasuda · October 2015

ryanandjoe4 said:

colasuda said:

So I got back from coffee with my friend. I asked how planning was going, and she is still very excited. And then the best thing happened--she actually asked my opinion on both the cash bar AND the tiered reception! I told her that I felt guests shouldn't have to open their wallets at a wedding, and that a dry wedding is preferable to a cash bar. She actually felt relieved--she has some family members who are recovering alcoholics (and a few that are not in recovery) so the whole idea of having booze was turning her off anyway. So it sounds like they are doing a dry wedding (or possibly just hosted wine.)

The tiered reception thing was a little tougher. Apparently her venue coordinator had told her that tiered receptions do not go over well, so she was rethinking that. I told her I agreed with the coordinator and that I think that there would definitely be hurt feelings. She got pretty emotional here, as they just don't have the funds to host everyone that they would like to. I feel her pain. The venue allows for outside catering, so she still has time to plan a meal for all of her guests within her budget. She was disappointed (one of the reasons she chose the venue was because of their menu) but she accepted that she'd rather have the larger guest list over the fancy food.

The gap is already established, since she's booked both the Church and the venue. (Also, most of the guest list is Catholic, and our circle seems to expect a gap. Not trying to defend it or anything, but I have a feeling that it won't be as alienating as the other things would be.) I guess you can't win them all. But everything actually worked out better than expected!

Awesome!

To bold, I am having a catholic wedding this Saturday, with no gap, we will be taking pictures in between, but the Cocktail hour with snacks and bar open, the ceremony should end at ~6:30, and the drive is 20 minutes (closest one, small town, and wanted specific church that FI grew up going to) so with drive time there is no gap the party starts as soon as the guest can arrive from the ceremony.

I'm having a Catholic wedding with no gap as well (and we are also utilizing drive time and our cocktail hour for pictures.) Definitely not trying to hand wave away the etiquette issues of a gap. But over the past few years, I've been to four Catholic weddings within our friend group, and three of those had a gap. No one in our group said anything about the gap. Not to say they weren't thinking it! I just feel like that won't turn as many people off as a tiered reception or a cash bar would.

ryanandjoe4 · October 2015

colasuda said:

ryanandjoe4 said:

colasuda said:

So I got back from coffee with my friend. I asked how planning was going, and she is still very excited. And then the best thing happened--she actually asked my opinion on both the cash bar AND the tiered reception! I told her that I felt guests shouldn't have to open their wallets at a wedding, and that a dry wedding is preferable to a cash bar. She actually felt relieved--she has some family members who are recovering alcoholics (and a few that are not in recovery) so the whole idea of having booze was turning her off anyway. So it sounds like they are doing a dry wedding (or possibly just hosted wine.)

The tiered reception thing was a little tougher. Apparently her venue coordinator had told her that tiered receptions do not go over well, so she was rethinking that. I told her I agreed with the coordinator and that I think that there would definitely be hurt feelings. She got pretty emotional here, as they just don't have the funds to host everyone that they would like to. I feel her pain. The venue allows for outside catering, so she still has time to plan a meal for all of her guests within her budget. She was disappointed (one of the reasons she chose the venue was because of their menu) but she accepted that she'd rather have the larger guest list over the fancy food.

The gap is already established, since she's booked both the Church and the venue. (Also, most of the guest list is Catholic, and our circle seems to expect a gap. Not trying to defend it or anything, but I have a feeling that it won't be as alienating as the other things would be.) I guess you can't win them all. But everything actually worked out better than expected!

Awesome!

To bold, I am having a catholic wedding this Saturday, with no gap, we will be taking pictures in between, but the Cocktail hour with snacks and bar open, the ceremony should end at ~6:30, and the drive is 20 minutes (closest one, small town, and wanted specific church that FI grew up going to) so with drive time there is no gap the party starts as soon as the guest can arrive from the ceremony.

I'm having a Catholic wedding with no gap as well (and we are also utilizing drive time and our cocktail hour for pictures.) Definitely not trying to hand wave away the etiquette issues of a gap. But over the past few years, I've been to four Catholic weddings within our friend group, and three of those had a gap. No one in our group said anything about the gap. Not to say they weren't thinking it! I just feel like that won't turn as many people off as a tiered reception or a cash bar would.

for sure agreed, I do feel like people try to use this as an excuse for gaps, and I am like

I have been to a few catholic weddings with a gap, and no alcohol, or cash bar, and I feel like the joke of "a catholic wedding with no/not provided alcohol, that seems weird' or joke about the Catholics and drinking, and not a word about the 2 hour gap for pictures.. At least you got through on the most important thing!

snowywinter · October 2015

You could just bring it up with her a way as if you're helping out rather than "correcting" her.

YOU: Any ideas for what out of town guests could do between ceremony and reception?

FRIEND: Hm.

YOU: I'm just thinking they might get bored, not knowing the area and having nowhere to go. Any way we could move up the reception start time?

I did the exact thing with my friend planning her wedding and her response was "good point." Hers was a 2 hour gap and the reception was held at a restaurant owned by her uncle (she just wanted a nighttime reception) and when she moved it up, it was only a half hour gap, which was fine because the venue was 15 minutes away anyway.

Tiered reception is just a no-no. I would flat out tell her this will hurt feelings. If you're close enough to be a bridesmaid, you're close enough to tell her that she's going to hurt other friends' feelings by doing this.

Cash bar will be difficult to bring up without flat-out telling her she's breaking the rules of etiquette, but as others said, send her here.

SP29 · October 2015

Glad your talk went well. The tiered reception is the biggest thing, to me. Especially since you say some friends made the cut while others didn't- I see hurt feelings.

Generally though, I stick to the "not my circus, not my monkeys". The other day, a bunch of my friends were talking about wedding planning and how it's ok to have a cash/toonie bar, and no one expects an open bar if you're "young, in school, or poor". DH and I just kept our mouths shut...

[Deleted User] · October 2015

1. A four hour gap. She's going with a 1 PM ceremony, and a 6 PM dinner reception. She has a lot of out of town guests, and I'm worried that they'll be frustrated with four hours of down time.

Just casually ask her, with a gap of that time, what plans does she have for her OOT guests to entertain them during that time period? OK, to others, I know that's not acceptable, but it could open the door for a conversation about the time gap

2. Tiered reception. She's having an open ceremony, which is common in our Church. But she's only inviting certain people to certain parts of the reception. The guest list splits our circle of friends, and I just know feelings are going to be hurt. You can't tell her who to invite to what parts, but when talking about guests, ask her hey, I notice Jane is invited to this part but Sue isn't. What are you going to due if Sue finds out since they are both friends and we hang out with both of them?

3. Cash bar I'm at a lost on how to help with that one. Just hope she tells people so they actually bring cash with them. Not too many people carry cash on them these days.

MesmrEwe · October 2015

"The Gap" and the "Cash Bar" aren't the end of the world. Really - 99% of all weddings I've been to have both (I get all things etiquette-wise both are no-no's). Heck, I was just at a BYOB reception a couple weeks ago (y'all would have had a field day if I explained how the etiquette book was tossed out the window for that one LOL).. And, being Catholic, you realize that sometimes you don't get control over the start time of the ceremony and people can figure out what to do with themselves for that four hours - really... Most hotels don't let you check in until 3PM if they're OOT, and I always have a had a great time during "the gap" even if OOT because there's always something to do (if I'm really lost for what to do, I go antiquing).. If anything suggest when they do their wedding website to include "things to do in the (essentially) 2 hour window between the ceremony and reception and what they do plan to include for drinks when they post the menu (most people who have a cash bar still cover something - whether that's all NA's or NA's and Beer or NA's and Wine, etc.).

The only thing on your list worth mentioning is the "B-list" for the dinner. Really, that one's the one which will get the stink-eye and loss of friendships, especially if any of those guests walk in and see empty seats in the room and people eating. I know some who've gone as far as to grab their gift and walk out with that person forever-remembered for having done so to their guests.

PrettyGirlLost · October 2015

MesmrEwe said:

"The Gap" and the "Cash Bar" aren't the end of the world. Really - 99% of all weddings I've been to have both (I get all things etiquette-wise both are no-no's). Heck, I was just at a BYOB reception a couple weeks ago (y'all would have had a field day if I explained how the etiquette book was tossed out the window for that one LOL).. And, being Catholic, you realize that sometimes you don't get control over the start time of the ceremony and people can figure out what to do with themselves for that four hours - really... Yeah but the couple has complete control over the start time of their reception, that's what pisses people right the fuck off with gaps- really. Oh, so you wanted the look and feel of an evening reception so I now have to piss around for four hours so that your vision remains intact? Thanks for wasting my time- really. If I'm going to a wedding, especially as an OOT guests, I don't want to piss around for four hours going antiquing or wasting time at a bar. I want to head to your reception and start celebrating with you. Not only are gaps rude since they waste my time, they totally disrupt the flow and energy of the day. Most hotels don't let you check in until 3PM if they're OOT, and I always have a had a great time during "the gap" even if OOT because there's always something to do (if I'm really lost for what to do, I go antiquing).. If I'm an OOT guest, 99% of the time I have driven/flown into town for your event the night before. And if not, I call ahead for early check in. If anything suggest when they do their wedding website to include "things to do in the (essentially) 2 hour window between the ceremony and reception and what they do plan to include for drinks when they post the menu (most people who have a cash bar still cover something - whether that's all NA's or NA's and Beer or NA's and Wine, etc.).
The only thing on your list worth mentioning is the "B-list" for the dinner. Really, that one's the one which will get the stink-eye and loss of friendships, especially if any of those guests walk in and see empty seats in the room and people eating. I know some who've gone as far as to grab their gift and walk out with that person forever-remembered for having done so to their guests.

Bridesmaid for a Wedding That is a an Etiquette Nightmare

Re: Bridesmaid for a Wedding That is a an Etiquette Nightmare

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