Bridal Shower w/o Opening Gifts?

Knottie95407472 · March 2015

Hi! Is it possible to have some sort of shower w/o opening gifts in front of everyone? I don't feel comfortable doing this, but obviously don't want to be rude either. I was hoping to have some sort of luncheon and/or gathering just to celebrate (originally I din't even want a shower, but family/BMs veto'ed that pretty quickly) Has anyone ever been to a shower where gifts weren't opened in front of them?

mikenberger · March 2015

Knottie95407472 said:
Hi! Is it possible to have some sort of shower w/o opening gifts in front of everyone? I don't feel comfortable doing this, but obviously don't want to be rude either. I was hoping to have some sort of luncheon and/or gathering just to celebrate (originally I din't even want a shower, but family/BMs veto'ed that pretty quickly) Has anyone ever been to a shower where gifts weren't opened in front of them?

The point of a shower is to shower the bride with gifts and watch her open them to see what she received. If you don't want a shower, don't have one. Just because people want to throw you one, doesn't mean you have to participate.

ShesSoCold · March 2015

Knottie95407472 said:
Hi! Is it possible to have some sort of shower w/o opening gifts in front of everyone? I don't feel comfortable doing this, but obviously don't want to be rude either. I was hoping to have some sort of luncheon and/or gathering just to celebrate (originally I din't even want a shower, but family/BMs veto'ed that pretty quickly) Has anyone ever been to a shower where gifts weren't opened in front of them?

Sorry, a shower without opening gifts would be rude. The literal point of a shower is to shower the bride with gifts.

You need to be insistent that you don't want a shower, regardless of what your bridesmaids and/or family think. Or you could see if they'd change it from a "shower" to a "bridal luncheon" or tea. Those typically are not gift-giving events.

chibiyui · March 2015

What they said.

If you have a shower you must open gifts. Either decline the shower or have a "bridal tea/luncheon" If the people who want to throw it for you refuse to do a luncheon, then decline their kind offer.

MyNameIsNot · March 2015

The point of the shower is to give gifts. If you are really that uncomfortable opening gifts or don't want them, decline the shower.

No one gets to veto that. If you don't want a shower, decline it.

Knottie95407472 · March 2015

Thanks all

thisismynickname2 · March 2015

FWIW OP, I didn't want a shower either and vetoing it was very hard. It was my FMIL that desperately wanted to host one. Even my mom got roped into it (they like each other) and my mom was like, "I can't really seem to stop her or steer her in another direction so you're getting a shower..."

It took my lovely FI giving a very stern and blunt talk to his mother to stop the shower madness. She was upset but she got over it pretty quickly (at least to our faces!).

So, I don't know who's vetoing you and why, but if you don't want this, you'll really, really have to put your foot down. Stomp it down.

blabla89 · April 2015

Again, the purpose of a shower is for guests to receive gifts and see them opened. It's okay if you don't want one, but you need to be firm about it.

Etiquette gurus check me here, but I think it is fine to host your own bridal luncheon or tea as a thank you to your BMs and the other women in your life. Just don't say anything about bringing gifts.

MyNameIsNot · April 2015

blabla89 said:
Again, the purpose of a shower is for guests to receive gifts and see them opened. It's okay if you don't want one, but you need to be firm about it.

Etiquette gurus check me here, but I think it is fine to host your own bridal luncheon or tea as a thank you to your BMs and the other women in your life. Just don't say anything about bringing gifts.

If the bride is hosting, it's called a bridesmaids' luncheon. It's given for the purpose of an extra thank you to the BMs, not to celebrate the bride, so the bride would host. It does have the same practical effect of a little extra time for the bride to bond with her closest friends. When I've been to these, the bride gave gifts to the BMs, not the other way around.

I do think that a BM luncheon is supposed to be limited to the BMs and the mothers. I don't think it would include the other typical shower attendees, like aunts or grandmothers.

BlueBirdMB · April 2015

I HATE showers. I try to avoid going as a guest, so I certainly didn't want one for myself. One of my main issues was the gift opening, but obviously you have to open the gifts as PPs have stated. I rejected all offers of having a shower. My in laws were horrified I wasn't having a shower. They got over it.

Bridal luncheons are when the bride takes out their bridesmaids for lunch. It's not a party in your honor, it's a party in their honor. If you are fine with that, they go for it.

notdoingitbythebook · April 2015

If only the gift opening could be skipped at showers... they are so tedious and boring. Once you've seen one salad bowl you don't have to see 80 others. Unfortunately the gift opening is a part of the estrogen filled hell of showers. I plan on running through the gifts as fast as I can so that I am not holding people prisoner. Seriously, who thought that people would want to watch one person open gifts. Stupid practice. But unfortunately a part of the event.

Dreamergirl8812 · April 2015

Knottie62810702 said:
If only the gift opening could be skipped at showers... they are so tedious and boring. Once you've seen one salad bowl you don't have to see 80 others. Unfortunately the gift opening is a part of the estrogen filled hell of showers. I plan on running through the gifts as fast as I can so that I am not holding people prisoner. Seriously, who thought that people would want to watch one person open gifts. Stupid practice. But unfortunately a part of the event.

Did you read the previous responses? Opening gifts is the point of a bridal shower. You shower the bride with gifts. I think they're boring as fuck, too. That's why I declined when my MIL offered to throw me one.

redoryx · April 2015

Knottie62810702 said:
If only the gift opening could be skipped at showers... they are so tedious and boring. Once you've seen one salad bowl you don't have to see 80 others. Unfortunately the gift opening is a part of the estrogen filled hell of showers. I plan on running through the gifts as fast as I can so that I am not holding people prisoner. Seriously, who thought that people would want to watch one person open gifts. Stupid practice. But unfortunately a part of the event.

People come to a SHOWER to SHOWER the bride with gifts. That's the point of a shower. If you don't want to have to open gifts, DON'T HAVE A SHOWER.

notdoingitbythebook · April 2015

I am well versed in what a shower is for. I am going to do the gift opening at the shower that is being held for me in a very traditional manner. I said in my post that the gift opening is a part of the shower hell. So if you have a shower, you have the gift opening. I made that very plain. I was saying it would be nice if the gift opening was NOT a part of the event because it's tedious and boring as hell as a guest to watch one person open gifts. But it's not. So when I go to the very traditional shower being thrown for me (without any regard for my wishes or requests or even if I wanted one) I will slap a smile on my face and do what's expected... including opening the gifts at what is hopefully a faster pace than what I've seen lately (which is slower than molasses in a deep freeze... seriously speed it up). I just wish like other gift giving events that the opening was less of an issue and expectation. I'd much rather just open them at a pace that I set, rather than being on display for hours.

MyNameIsNot · April 2015

Knottie62810702 said:
If only the gift opening could be skipped at showers... they are so tedious and boring. Once you've seen one salad bowl you don't have to see 80 others. Unfortunately the gift opening is a part of the estrogen filled hell of showers. I plan on running through the gifts as fast as I can so that I am not holding people prisoner. Seriously, who thought that people would want to watch one person open gifts. Stupid practice. But unfortunately a part of the event.

This is part of the reason that 80 guest showers are unbearable. I find it pretty unbelievable that a bride thinks she's super close to that many people.

notdoingitbythebook · April 2015

Oh lordie, the "let's invite a gazillion people" showers are the worst. I've been told by my mother (who was tired of keeping the secret of the shower) that it's 35-40 tops. Still a lot but not 80!

redoryx · April 2015

notdoingitbythebook said:
I am well versed in what a shower is for. I am going to do the gift opening at the shower that is being held for me in a very traditional manner. I said in my post that the gift opening is a part of the shower hell. So if you have a shower, you have the gift opening. I made that very plain. I was saying it would be nice if the gift opening was NOT a part of the event because it's tedious and boring as hell as a guest to watch one person open gifts. But it's not. So when I go to the very traditional shower being thrown for me (without any regard for my wishes or requests or even if I wanted one) I will slap a smile on my face and do what's expected... including opening the gifts at what is hopefully a faster pace than what I've seen lately (which is slower than molasses in a deep freeze... seriously speed it up). I just wish like other gift giving events that the opening was less of an issue and expectation. I'd much rather just open them at a pace that I set, rather than being on display for hours.

You always have the option of declining the shower. Seriously, if they aren't listening to what you want, stand up for yourself and say no: while you appreciate their offer to throw you a shower, you'd prefer to not have one.

[Deleted User] · April 2015

redoryx said:

notdoingitbythebook said:
I am well versed in what a shower is for. I am going to do the gift opening at the shower that is being held for me in a very traditional manner. I said in my post that the gift opening is a part of the shower hell. So if you have a shower, you have the gift opening. I made that very plain. I was saying it would be nice if the gift opening was NOT a part of the event because it's tedious and boring as hell as a guest to watch one person open gifts. But it's not. So when I go to the very traditional shower being thrown for me (without any regard for my wishes or requests or even if I wanted one) I will slap a smile on my face and do what's expected... including opening the gifts at what is hopefully a faster pace than what I've seen lately (which is slower than molasses in a deep freeze... seriously speed it up). I just wish like other gift giving events that the opening was less of an issue and expectation. I'd much rather just open them at a pace that I set, rather than being on display for hours.
You always have the option of declining the shower. Seriously, if they aren't listening to what you want, stand up for yourself and say no: while you appreciate their offer to throw you a shower, you'd prefer to not have one.

QFT. What would happen if you just didn't show up? "I don't want a shower. I really don't want a shower. If you insist on throwing me a shower, I will not show up. I will spend the day in a movie theater with my phone off and not attend the shower. But you feel free to get together without me."

Ghostie625 · October 2015

I'm going to disagree with everyone and say that yes, you can have a shower without actually opening gifts. My cousin did this several years ago and I plan to do the same. She asked people to bring the gifts unwrapped and they were all put out on display on a table with the cards so people who wanted to see all the gifts could go check them out. (If someone brought a wrapped gift she just opened them as they arrived. She also unwrapped some of the more sentimental gifts in front of everyone.) Because she did it this way there was a lot more time for her to mingle with her guests and the general feedback was that it was more fun than other showers people had been to and most of the guests were happy not to have to sit through hours of gift opening.
TBH opening all those gifts is a chore for everyone involved. At a friend's shower a few months ago the gift opening took so long that everyone stopped paying attention, so nobody saw her unwrap their gift anyway. If you are only having a small number of people then this won't be as big of a problem, but if you are having a large shower it does become very time-consuming and tedious. And I know this is going to sound bad but, assuming you registered, you know exactly what you're getting, so it's not like the gifts are going to be a surprise. ("Oh, here's another thing I picked out specifically!) I think as long as you make a point to personally thank everyone for their gift and for coming you should be fine. Unless you know that most of your guests will be offended I say go for it!

onefootinthebayou · October 2015

DC625 said:
I'm going to disagree with everyone and say that yes, you can have a shower without actually opening gifts. My cousin did this several years ago and I plan to do the same. She asked people to bring the gifts unwrapped and they were all put out on display on a table with the cards so people who wanted to see all the gifts could go check them out. (If someone brought a wrapped gift she just opened them as they arrived. She also unwrapped some of the more sentimental gifts in front of everyone.) Because she did it this way there was a lot more time for her to mingle with her guests and the general feedback was that it was more fun than other showers people had been to and most of the guests were happy not to have to sit through hours of gift opening.
TBH opening all those gifts is a chore for everyone involved. At a friend's shower a few months ago the gift opening took so long that everyone stopped paying attention, so nobody saw her unwrap their gift anyway. If you are only having a small number of people then this won't be as big of a problem, but if you are having a large shower it does become very time-consuming and tedious. And I know this is going to sound bad but, assuming you registered, you know exactly what you're getting, so it's not like the gifts are going to be a surprise. ("Oh, here's another thing I picked out specifically!) I think as long as you make a point to personally thank everyone for their gift and for coming you should be fine. Unless you know that most of your guests will be offended I say go for it!

Ugh. To loosely quote another respected poster, why would you resurrect a zombie thread to give terrible advice? What you're proposing is very rude. It "may sound bad" to quote your post, b/c it is bad.

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