Mentioning a Deceased Parent

ferricfox · October 2015

This has likely been touched on before, but I wanted to ask;

In the briefest of backstories, my FMIL passed away two days ago. Our wedding is next Saturday, on Oct 17. We have talked with the family to ask if everyone wants to continue with the wedding, and everyone does; "FMIL wouldn't want us to cancel on her accord."
I'd like to give her a mention at some point during the rehearsal or wedding ceremony (i.e. with a short prayer) or in the welcoming toast at the reception. She was an awesome woman who made me feel like family from the very beginning of my and FI's relationship, and we miss her terribly.
My question is this: Is there a good way or time to mention her/her absence, or is it going to be rude/tacky/awkward no matter what?

Maggie0829 · October 2015

I am so sorry for your and your FI loss.

I am not a fan of people mentioning those that are no longer with us, especially when that person is recently passed, at weddings. Since it is so fresh I feel like the happy moment your wedding is supposed to be could quickly turn somber. So you could always include a lovely quote in honor of your late FMIL in your program and maybe have a quick mention of her at your RD in the form of a prayer, but that is really all I would do.

Jen4948 · October 2015

I'm very sorry for your and your FI's loss.

While I do think it is best to avoid really in-your-face memorial gestures, like empty seats, you can certainly mention her during appropriate prayers and in toasts, and you can wear or carry something she owned or that is associated with her. If your plans are flexible enough to allow for food, drink, decorations, or entertainment she would have enjoyed that you aren't already going to have, you could also adjust your plans to allow for such things.

OliveOilsMom · October 2015

There was a very similar post on a different board a few weeks ago. clicky It had lots of helpful posts.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Any overt memorials will probably have unexpected results and not in a good way. Like the empty seat, portrait of the person, or flower left on an empty seat.

ferricfox · October 2015

Thanks for the quick response. We're definitely not going to do something as overt as set a place for her at the table; I think that would make ME cry, at all times. I'm already going to be waterlogged on the day of.

I was thinking of maybe doing a resin cast of a black and white photograph of her to attach to me bouquet. Thoughts?

Jen4948 · October 2015

ferricfox said:

Thanks for the quick response. We're definitely not going to do something as overt as set a place for her at the table; I think that would make ME cry, at all times. I'm already going to be waterlogged on the day of.
I was thinking of maybe doing a resin cast of a black and white photograph of her to attach to me bouquet. Thoughts?

That sounds sweet.

OliveOilsMom · October 2015

The B&W photo sounds like a nice idea. As for FI, did his mom have any handkerchiefs that he could us as his pocket square? He could also just carry a picture of her in his suit jacket, so that she is with him all day.

ferricfox · October 2015

Unfortunately she did not use handkerchiefs, but I will see what he thinks about having a photo in his pocket, so I can print an extra for him.

VicTim328 · October 2015

I am so very sorry for your loss.

Is there anything of hers you could borrow for the day? Earrings or some small piece of jewelry? Or a jewelry box or pouch your rings can be kept in during the first part of the ceremony?

I agree with PP that mentioning the loss should be limited to prayers and toasts. I doubt she would want everyone mourning when they should be celebrating your marriage. My FI lost his mom exactly one year before we met (I met him on the anniversary). I've had to explain to FI that a chair with his mom's photo and urn is more than a bit morbid. I know that we would cry hard every time he sees the photo. We are getting married on what would have been his parents' 30th anniversary. She wrote both of us a letter days before she passed for our wedding day, and he will have them in his jacket. We will read them after the festivities are over/when he is ready. We are not making an announcement about the significance of the day. Those who know us know the significance.

Being that the wedding is so close, you may want to mentally prepare yourself for some extra touches of hers (cards, gift, letters etc.). She may have already had things ready, especially if her passing was not sudden.

SP29 · October 2015

So sorry for your loss.

I think a prayer at a meal time (whether it is the RD or reception), or toast, would be appropriate.

The personal touches sound lovely! Another option is to carry her favourite flower in your bouquet, or have FI wear her fav. flower as his boutonniere. Play her favourite song over dinner, or during the reception if it's up beat (I wouldn't make any announcement of this, just play it as part of the list).

levioosa · October 2015

I'm so sorry for your loss. PPs have it covered.

sparklepants41 · October 2015

I'm so sorry for your & your FI's loss.

ferricfox · October 2015

Sort of a side note, but I was talking with my father last night, and he said to me, "I really don't agree with you celebrating after FI's mom died, so I'm just going to leave after the ceremony."
It kind of hit me like a brick. He never even knew her, and it was the decision of FI's family to continue on, because it's what she would have wanted and what they DO want.
It is obviously not in my power to MAKE my dad stay, but it made losing her hurt so much more.
Is it weird that I'm so taken aback by this sudden development in his attitude just days away?

[Deleted User] · October 2015

ferricfox said:

Sort of a side note, but I was talking with my father last night, and he said to me, "I really don't agree with you celebrating after FI's mom died, so I'm just going to leave after the ceremony."
It kind of hit me like a brick. He never even knew her, and it was the decision of FI's family to continue on, because it's what she would have wanted and what they DO want.
It is obviously not in my power to MAKE my dad stay, but it made losing her hurt so much more.
Is it weird that I'm so taken aback by this sudden development in his attitude just days away?

Wow. I'm sorry your dad is being such a judgemental dick. I think you should have your wedding and reception and have a wonderful time. You are doing nothing wrong. Hell, we partied the same day after we buried my grandfather. Exactly how long does your dad believe you should be wearing black dresses and a black veil and being in mourning before you're allowed to get on with your life?

Jen4948 · October 2015

ferricfox said:

Sort of a side note, but I was talking with my father last night, and he said to me, "I really don't agree with you celebrating after FI's mom died, so I'm just going to leave after the ceremony."
It kind of hit me like a brick. He never even knew her, and it was the decision of FI's family to continue on, because it's what she would have wanted and what they DO want.
It is obviously not in my power to MAKE my dad stay, but it made losing her hurt so much more.
Is it weird that I'm so taken aback by this sudden development in his attitude just days away?

Well, did you tell your father about your FI's family's request that you carry on before or after you made your decision to do so? Even though that might be what she would have wanted and what they want, does your father come from a background where this wouldn't be done and any wedding ceremony following shortly after a death in the family would be followed by a small, subdued reception and not a big celebration? Maybe that's why he's so icked out by it that he's refusing to stay for the reception-it's just not what he's used to.

ferricfox · October 2015

It's hard to say what he thinks would be "acceptable."

All he said was, "I'm from a different time and I have a different idea of things."

It kind of makes me angry, and I'm trying hard not to be because he's my dad and I love him and with 8 days before the wedding, angry is the last thing I want to be.

ferricfox · October 2015

He and I talked extensively about it. I told him that we had talked to FI's family and that was the decision.
The thing is, too, it's not a big reception. There's no alcohol. It's less than thirty people and most are family, and it's not going to raging all night long.
So it's just really jarring to me and FI.
I asked my dad, too, if he still wanted a father/daughter dance, and he said, "Only if it's right at the beginning, because I'm going to need to leave."

Jen4948 · October 2015

It sounds like he is being unintentionally hurtful, but there probably isn't anything you can do to get him to change his mind. I'm sorry.

OliveOilsMom · October 2015

OP - That must hurt. I would try to talk to him again. Tell him how much it would mean to you (and FI) that he be there for at least the reception meal.

"Dad, I know you have said you are from a different time and I can understand that. But can you understand how it would make me feel that my own father couldn't stay for the reception meal? It makes me upset, hurt, and a little bit angry. (Or add your own feelings) You know that our reception isn't set up to be some giant party, so while we will be celebrating our marriage, that does not mean we still aren't mourning for FMIL." I would also reiterate how it was FILs decision to carry on.

ferricfox · October 2015

So, he lives ten hours away, and all of our discussion has been on the phone. Do you think this is a conversation to have over the phone, or should I wait until he comes down for the wedding next week and talk to him face to face?

Jen4948 · October 2015

ferricfox said:
So, he lives ten hours away, and all of our discussion has been on the phone. Do you think this is a conversation to have over the phone, or should I wait until he comes down for the wedding next week and talk to him face to face?

I'd tell him in person.

OliveOilsMom · October 2015

Jen4948 said:

So, he lives ten hours away, and all of our discussion has been on the phone. Do you think this is a conversation to have over the phone, or should I wait until he comes down for the wedding next week and talk to him face to face?
I'd tell him in person.

This, if he is coming in a few days before the wedding, then yes, wait until you are in person. Him seeing your reactions during the discussion may help him change his mind. But if he doesn't come in for the wedding until the day before, I'd call him again to have this discussion, but wait a few days first.

ferricfox · October 2015

As it turns out, we didn't really need to have a discussion about it. My father stayed for most of the whole reception (he left about an hour early because he had a flight to catch early the next morning), and we had our dance and everything. I thanked him for staying (in private, of course) and he said, "anything for my little girl."
I don't really know what happened between when he said he wouldn't stay and Saturday, but I'm happy for it. It was really nice to have my father there for the whole time.

SP29 · October 2015

Glad you had a lovely evening involving your father

Mentioning a Deceased Parent

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