Cutting down guest lists -- when his family isn't helping to pay

bcmfall · October 2015

Hi all - I'm in the very early stages of wedding planning. We are trying to nail down our budget, date, etc. We don't have a huge cushion of savings to start from, so of course the budget and date of the wedding are dependent on each other, as how much we think we need to save will in large part decide by what date we can actually hold the event. And of course the size of our guest list is a huge determinant of the budget. The complicating factor, now, is that we were feeling good that we could manage the budget for 150-175 person wedding about a year from now. My mother offered to contribute part of our budget which is the only reason we decided we can pull that off within a year. Of that 150-175 list, only about 60 of the guests are from my side. The other 90-100+ are from my fiance's (read: his parents') list, and that list keeps growing. He feels bad crossing people off the list, even though he acknowledges its completely lopsided and his parents aren't helping to pay. I know the options are basically to cut the list, or have to push the wedding back further. I really don't want to delay the wedding in order to pay for 100+ people I don't know at all (and my fiance barely knows a bunch of them). It just doesn't seem reasonable. Is it me? Should I be more open to pushing the wedding back? Or if not, any suggestions/advice on how to (kindly) let his parents know that we do have a tight budget and need to limit our list to no more than 175? Along those lines, what do people think about a "b" list where we can invite additional people as we know who among our first list are able to attend? Thanks for any thoughts from your own experiences!

nerdwife · October 2015

I think the first thing people on here will tell you is that you can't count on money that a family member has promised - unless you have it in the bank, don't factor it into to your planning. Lots of things can happen.

As for the number of guests, if you two are paying for the wedding, you get to make the guest list, not his parents. I'm having a similar problem with my FILs (though on a much smaller scale, since our wedding is going to be much smaller than yours), and the (good) advice I received here is that you and FI need to first get on the same page (i.e., you need to sit down and tell him that you don't think it's fair/reasonable to have so many more people on his side there over yours and/or you don't want to spend this much on a wedding and/or whatever your reasoning is) and, if that page is that you agree that his family is making too many demands, he needs to tell his parents no. He'll probably need to be firm and say it a bunch of times. And they probably won't be happy. But since it's your wedding that you are financing, they'll have to get over it eventually. I know that's not thrilling, but it's the way it probably will be.

It does sound like FI is not really on the same page as you, so that's really the first thing you need to address. I went to FILs thinking FI was going to say one thing and he said something different, and it sucked. He's fixed it since, but it was an unnecessary and stressful wrinkle.

His parents aren't thrilled with us and have continued to suggest we have a longer engagement so we can afford to invite his entire family. We're not doing that. They will have to adjust. We did make the same offer we made to my mom, which is they can add up to six more guests if they are willing to pay for them. Maybe you can consider doing something similar for your scale - say each side is getting X number (maybe 50?) and they can have up to X number more if they are willing to cover all costs.

Hope that helps and good luck!

aurianna · October 2015

B lists, where you don't invite people until after you get declines from other guests are super rude. Avoid like the plague.

You and your FI should get on the same page. Once you are, you just say to future-in-laws "We can accommodate XYZ guests from your side (be it 60, 80, 100, etc. You and FI need to agree on number). The list you gave us is a little over that number. Are you comfortable with our making cuts ourselves or do you want to go through and send us a new list?"

Note: You don't have to give them just 60 because your side has 60. Some people have family of different sizes and it can be nice to accommodate that.

CMGragain · October 2015

This is how you plan a wedding:

1. Budget. Only include the money that you will actually have in your bank account to spend. If your mother is offering to contribute, she should cut you a check to deposit into your wedding savings account.

2. Guest list. I see that you are still doing this, so it isn't time to make any more plans, yet. Once you have finished this, THEN you can start planning your wedding.

Options:
1. Elope. Cheap and easy. Send out wedding announcements after the ceremony to friends and family. No reception.

2. Afternoon ceremony with cake and punch reception. No dancing. Very budget friendly, and you can invite a lot of people. This is a very traditional wedding. Miss Manner's daughter had a wedding like this.

3. Late morning ceremony with brunch reception. This can be formal and elegant, or casual and laid back. Alcohol is optional. Cost is about half of a dinner reception.

4. Dinner reception. This is the most expensive kind of wedding. If budget is an issue, you should consider the other options, instead.

CMGragain · October 2015

bcmfall said:

Hi all - I'm in the very early stages of wedding planning. We are trying to nail down our budget, date, etc. We don't have a huge cushion of savings to start from, so of course the budget and date of the wedding are dependent on each other, as how much we think we need to save will in large part decide by what date we can actually hold the event. And of course the size of our guest list is a huge determinant of the budget. The complicating factor, now, is that we were feeling good that we could manage the budget for 150-175 person wedding about a year from now. My mother offered to contribute part of our budget which is the only reason we decided we can pull that off within a year. Of that 150-175 list, only about 60 of the guests are from my side. The other 90-100+ are from my fiance's (read: his parents') list, and that list keeps growing. He feels bad crossing people off the list, even though he acknowledges its completely lopsided and his parents aren't helping to pay. I know the options are basically to cut the list, or have to push the wedding back further. I really don't want to delay the wedding in order to pay for 100+ people I don't know at all (and my fiance barely knows a bunch of them). It just doesn't seem reasonable. Is it me? Should I be more open to pushing the wedding back? Or if not, any suggestions/advice on how to (kindly) let his parents know that we do have a tight budget and need to limit our list to no more than 175? Along those lines, what do people think about a "b" list where we can invite additional people as we know who among our first list are able to attend? Thanks for any thoughts from your own experiences!

You have it backwards. Your budget might be a huge determinate of your guest list. See my post, above.
His parents have no obligation to pay for your wedding.

SP29 · October 2015

The first steps of wedding planning are decide on your budget and how many people you would like to have- that will determine your venue and what type of reception you are able to host.

You could probably invite more people if you have a brunch/lunch or cake and punch reception versus a sit down dinner. However, it is also within your decision to say, "We'd like to have a smaller guest list so we can have a dinner reception".

Next you and your FI have to be on the same page. He who pays, gets a say. It would not be appropriate to ask your ILs to contribute. At the same time, it is also not appropriate for them to dictate the terms of your wedding (such as who must be invited) if they are not contributing. If they offer to contribute, that's one thing, but as said, don't count on money until it's in your hand. Sometimes, because there are strings attached, it's best to not accept money and plan the wedding you and your FI can afford.

While in your planning process, it is fine to have a list of guests who are your MUST HAVES and a second list of guests who you would like to invite, but would be able to cut if needed. However, by the time invitations go out you need to have a clear guest list, that includes SOs. Inviting guests after others have declined would not be appropriate and is what the definition of a "B list" is.

Families are different, and some are bigger than others. It's OK if FI's family is larger, or he is closer to those family members than you are to yours, and thus his side might be bigger. But you two need to get on the same page about who you really want there. It is not OK for his parents to dictate or guilt you into inviting all these extra family members (FI will need to be the one to say, "NO" on this). It is also reasonable (and generally recommended) to invite in circles- for example, stop family invitations after first cousins. But so you know, adults are individual invitations. If you invite one or two cousins, that does not mean you have to invite ALL the cousins. Same with children. Circles just help to ease any tension created for you by other people.

It is fine for you (as in both of you) to say that you do not want to push back your wedding to invite more guests.

We had a 2 year engagement, partially because we wanted to be able to save up more money to host a dinner reception for all the guests we wanted. It's a personal choice about who you want there and what kind of event you wish to plan. As long as you host your guests properly, there is no right or wrong wedding- you can go from eloping to full out evening bash with 300+ people.

What we did with our parents, is ask them who they would like to see invited (both of our parents are divorced). We told them to give us a list, and we would consider it, but that didn't mean we were automatically going to invite everyone from the list. It worked out pretty well as my parents only had one couple each, FIL had 3 (we invited 2), and MIL had about 7 couples (I think we invited 3 or 4 only).

Another option is after you and your FI have created your list of guests you want there, tell his parents that you have X spots available for them to invite whomever they'd like- and to provide you with a list of names and addresses by Y date.

If they really push you, then you can tell them, "I am sorry but our budget only allows us to invite 175 guests". They *may* offer to contribute at that point, which you could (carefully) accept, or they may not. This is where you stand firm with FI that this is your budget and your guest list and that is that.

Good luck!

P.S. Don't let anyone guilt you into inviting more than you can afford/ your venue can hold because "I promise they won't come!".

mauiwowie9 · October 2015

The pp's gave some really good advice, I would just add that it might help to bring up the "would you invite this person to dinner/drinks on a regular occasion and treat them for it" analogy to your fiance. Sometimes its easy to feel pressured to invite everyone you've ever known to your wedding, but IMO if the potential guest isn't someone you would choose to call and up and hang out with, they aren't really adding anything to your wedding/ you wouldn't really miss them if they weren't there and its not really worth spending a significant amount of money to host them at your wedding. Especially when that money could be used for something like a honeymoon or a downpayment :-)

huskypuppy14 · October 2015

While no one but you and your FI are responsible for paying for your wedding, if his parents are not contributing, they also don't get a say in the guest list. Have your FI make a list on his own of who he would invite, and then if you have room left, tell his parents they can have X spots remaining.

Your future in laws are being unreasonable to expect to invite 100+ people to an event that they are not paying/hosting. Do they expect to be co hosts (hosting and paying are separate)?

Jen4948 · October 2015

B lists are rude, so don't do that.

@SP29 pretty much covered in her post above the best way to go about planning: come up with a guest list and budget based solely on the money you actually have in your bank account at the moment and, for planning purposes, assume that none of your parents will be contributing financially, even if they actually do later on.

Your FI needs to make clear to his parents that they are not entitled to expect to invite large numbers of guests without contributing to the costs of hosting them, even if it makes him uncomfortable. He can tell his parents, "Mom, Dad, you've given us a guest list with a huge number of names on it, but we can only afford to invite X of this number. While we don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, we have to ask you to cut the list down to that many people. If you aren't willing to do that yourselves, then bcmfall and I will have to do that for you."

kvruns · October 2015

agree with the others, makes your list based on your budget. Definitely would be nice to have a certain # of spots for his family but it doesn't have to be 2/3 of the guest list or whatever. Make a preliminary list of people and a firm count of how many you can afford to host. Let him take the list to his parents and see if they have changes to make. Perhaps they would rather have family friend of 30 years there instead of 2nd cousin twice removed, but they can have the option of including XX # of guests within the allotment given. He needs to put on his big boy pants and tell his parents how many people you guys can accommodate from their list.

and for the record it doesn't have to be even anyway. Our wedding was probably 2/3 "my" people and 1/3 "his" and it was just fine

bcmfall · October 2015

Thanks for all of the replies. I agree it's not a problem for the guest lists to be lopsided, I'm totally at fine with that. My discomfort is at the idea that we'd have to adjust our timing/type of wedding (we do want to host a dinner reception) etc. to accommodate the bigger than expected guest list. We just need to sit down and figure out whether all of those people are really important to HIM (not just his parents) - in which case our planning needs to change - or whether we are on the same page about wanting to keep it to the range we'd talked about previously. I like the idea of having our must have list, and then letting his parents know how many more people we have room to add so they can weigh in on choices.

One other thing that I wonder whether anyone has experience with is that his family, and many of the friends on his list, would be coming from Ireland. He has a pretty good sense of who would definitely make the trip, and who would definitely not, but there are a decent number of maybes on the list as well, which of course makes sense given the huge ask it is of people to travel internationally. What do people think about contacting the "must haves" on the list directly to get a sense of whether they think they'd be able to make the trip? If we know with more certainty who is willing to, it could help figure out how much room there is for the kind of second tier guest list... Thanks again for the input!

Jen4948 · October 2015

bcmfall said:

Thanks for all of the replies. I agree it's not a problem for the guest lists to be lopsided, I'm totally at fine with that. My discomfort is at the idea that we'd have to adjust our timing/type of wedding (we do want to host a dinner reception) etc. to accommodate the bigger than expected guest list. We just need to sit down and figure out whether all of those people are really important to HIM (not just his parents) - in which case our planning needs to change - or whether we are on the same page about wanting to keep it to the range we'd talked about previously. I like the idea of having our must have list, and then letting his parents know how many more people we have room to add so they can weigh in on choices.

One other thing that I wonder whether anyone has experience with is that his family, and many of the friends on his list, would be coming from Ireland. He has a pretty good sense of who would definitely make the trip, and who would definitely not, but there are a decent number of maybes on the list as well, which of course makes sense given the huge ask it is of people to travel internationally. What do people think about contacting the "must haves" on the list directly to get a sense of whether they think they'd be able to make the trip? If we know with more certainty who is willing to, it could help figure out how much room there is for the kind of second tier guest list... Thanks again for the input!

Don't do the bolded. There should not be a "second tier guest list." Everybody you are going to invite should be invited at one time. Tiering is a huge breach of etiquette and when it gets out to people in the "second tiers" that they didn't make the cut for the original list (and this happens), their feelings are justifiably hurt. If your FI really wants to invite these people, then they should get invitations along with everyone else on the list and allowed to determine for themselves whether or not they are attending, not have it pre-determined for them by not inviting them or "tiering" them.

SP29 · October 2015

Agree with Jenn. Invite whom you want there, even if they *think* they can't come. People change their minds, or situations change, and you may have a guest who originally told you they can't come are now able to. You would also be surprised about which guests do come and which guests don't.

It would also be rude to call someone up and say, "Hey, when we get married a year from now, will you come?" and then base your decision to invite from that. Who knows what's going to happen in a year? What if you call and ask a family member if they will come, and they say no, but 6 months from now they contact you back and say, "Hey! We can come to your wedding now!!". You've already created your guest list based on your yes/no responses from your original phone calls- do you still invite this person possibly going over budget and capacity? Do you say, "Sorry but you said no, so too bad"? By calling them in the first place you've verbally invited them to your wedding, so they should be able to come, and you obviously wanted them there if you asked.... just creates a messy situation.

Be prepared for 100% attendance (in terms of budget and space), and if these OOT guests can't come, take it as a savings in your budget and use that already saved up money towards your honeymoon or something.

[Deleted User] · October 2015

bcmfall said:

Thanks for all of the replies. I agree it's not a problem for the guest lists to be lopsided, I'm totally at fine with that. My discomfort is at the idea that we'd have to adjust our timing/type of wedding (we do want to host a dinner reception) etc. to accommodate the bigger than expected guest list. We just need to sit down and figure out whether all of those people are really important to HIM (not just his parents) - in which case our planning needs to change - or whether we are on the same page about wanting to keep it to the range we'd talked about previously. I like the idea of having our must have list, and then letting his parents know how many more people we have room to add so they can weigh in on choices.

One other thing that I wonder whether anyone has experience with is that his family, and many of the friends on his list, would be coming from Ireland. He has a pretty good sense of who would definitely make the trip, and who would definitely not, but there are a decent number of maybes on the list as well, which of course makes sense given the huge ask it is of people to travel internationally. What do people think about contacting the "must haves" on the list directly to get a sense of whether they think they'd be able to make the trip? If we know with more certainty who is willing to, it could help figure out how much room there is for the kind of second tier guest list... Thanks again for the input!

My mom felt people out, since I'm in a similar situation as your FI. She didn't straight up ask anyone for a firm yes or no, but I sent my save the dates 11 months in advance and some family members have been giving her pretty clear indications whether they can attend or not. We created one guest list, and in that list I bolded names I was fairly certain would attend, italized people who were maybes, and we developed a budget from that number (note: we DO have backup savings in case we have more RSVPs than we anticipated/budgeted, and our venue also holds about 100% of the guest list).

Now, when invitations go out I imagine we're going to have a really clear sense of who is coming from my side and who is not. That *may* play a part in who we decide to invite from our mutual friend group here (note: we will be sending out one wave of invitations, and everyone who received a save the date will receive an invitation.) Realistically, most people from my side should have already started booking their flights/hotels around the time the invitations get sent.

The difference from my situation, it sounds, is that the people I'm inviting from my side are for the most part really close family and friends. There was no B-list, I just sent everyone a save the date to maximize their chances of showing up. I grew up with a lot of cousins, and still see them as often as can be expected. If you're having a dinner reception, do you *really* want B-list guests there? We're paying a good 150€ per person, and I'd rather a small group of A-list guests and the extra money than a bunch of random people who don't mean much to my FI or me.

As a side note, I'm slightly biased, but I do think it's fair if your FI gets a bigger percentage of invites than you do. My side of the guest list is double my FI's side, this is partly because I have a big family and he has a small one, but also because I'm going to have a much higher decline rate. For us splitting the invites between the two of us equally just didn't make sense.

Cutting down guest lists -- when his family isn't helping to pay

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