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Bridesmaids who have never been married. How to motivate them?

zerostarzombiezerostarzombie member
Second Anniversary 25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
in Wedding Etiquette Forum

Hi all! This is in no way a negative thing. My 4 BMs are my best friends, and I wouldn't trade them for the world; however, none of them have been married before, or in a wedding. I do not expect them to do much, but some have told me they need to be more...involved? I'm not sure how, though. One lives out of state (in CA while I live in PA). 2 of them are coming with me this weekend to do dress shopping, and the other 2 I will meet with sometime in the future to do so. Is there anything, specifically, they should be doing? A "friend" of mine said it's their job to help me, but I don't think so because they don't know. Is there something they should be doing?


Thank you!

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Re: Bridesmaids who have never been married. How to motivate them?

  • peachy13peachy13 member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    zerostarzombie said:

    Hi all! This is in no way a negative thing. My 4 BMs are my best friends, and I wouldn't trade them for the world; however, none of them have been married before, or in a wedding. I do not expect them to do much, but some have told me they need to be more...involved? I'm not sure how, though. One lives out of state (in CA while I live in PA). 2 of them are coming with me this weekend to do dress shopping, and the other 2 I will meet with sometime in the future to do so. Is there anything, specifically, they should be doing? A "friend" of mine said it's their job to help me, but I don't think so because they don't know. Is there something they should be doing?


    Thank you!



    Your friend is wrong. Your bridesmaids are not your wedding planning assistants. They don't have to do anything except for buy their bridesmaid dress (that you should pick within their budget) and show up for your wedding day. If they want desperately to help you with your wedding, that's fine, but please don't give out jobs for them to do. 
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers


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  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    Unless you intend to pay them for services, there is nothing they should be doing. You asked them to be bridesmaids to honor them, not so they would wait on you.
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited October 2015
    My sister/MOH helped me with stuff. She lives OOT and we spent time chatting online looking at stuff.  She was closer to the location and she offered up her house as a "staging" area.  I lived in the islands and it was much easier to have things shipped to her.  She also kept my dress for me. 

     One other BM helped address envelopes 3 months out with my sister.   Then they both helped with stuff the week of the wedding.  Stuffing OOT bags, putting stickers on candy boxes, stuff like that (bottle of wine was included).    My other BM's didn't help at all, nor did I need their help.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • zerostarzombiezerostarzombie member
    Second Anniversary 25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
    peachy13 said:
    zerostarzombie said:

    Hi all! This is in no way a negative thing. My 4 BMs are my best friends, and I wouldn't trade them for the world; however, none of them have been married before, or in a wedding. I do not expect them to do much, but some have told me they need to be more...involved? I'm not sure how, though. One lives out of state (in CA while I live in PA). 2 of them are coming with me this weekend to do dress shopping, and the other 2 I will meet with sometime in the future to do so. Is there anything, specifically, they should be doing? A "friend" of mine said it's their job to help me, but I don't think so because they don't know. Is there something they should be doing?


    Thank you!



    Your friend is wrong. Your bridesmaids are not your wedding planning assistants. They don't have to do anything except for buy their bridesmaid dress (that you should pick within their budget) and show up for your wedding day. If they want desperately to help you with your wedding, that's fine, but please don't give out jobs for them to do.
    I plan to get the dresses from David's Bridal, so my friend in CA can shop for herself once I get a color picked for the other 3. Thank you! I agree. They are there to support me, not to be my assistants. :)
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    No, it's not their job to do anything. Your bridal party only needs to purchase whatever outfit you choose for them the day of, and then show up at the wedding that. That's it. 
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    zerostarzombie said:

    Hi all! This is in no way a negative thing. My 4 BMs are my best friends, and I wouldn't trade them for the world; however, none of them have been married before, or in a wedding. I do not expect them to do much, but some have told me they need to be more...involved? I'm not sure how, though. One lives out of state (in CA while I live in PA). 2 of them are coming with me this weekend to do dress shopping, and the other 2 I will meet with sometime in the future to do so. Is there anything, specifically, they should be doing? A "friend" of mine said it's their job to help me, but I don't think so because they don't know. Is there something they should be doing?


    Thank you!

    All they should be doing is buying the address you all agreed upon, showing up to your ceremony site sober and on time, walking down an aisle and posing for pictures.

    If they choose to organize a shower or bachlorette party, that's great, but it's not a requirement.  Anyone in your life can throw you those pre wedding parties.

    Tell your friends who are giving you this questionable advice to step away from the wedding magazines and wedding TV shows.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    zerostarzombie said:
    peachy13 said:
    zerostarzombie said:

    Hi all! This is in no way a negative thing. My 4 BMs are my best friends, and I wouldn't trade them for the world; however, none of them have been married before, or in a wedding. I do not expect them to do much, but some have told me they need to be more...involved? I'm not sure how, though. One lives out of state (in CA while I live in PA). 2 of them are coming with me this weekend to do dress shopping, and the other 2 I will meet with sometime in the future to do so. Is there anything, specifically, they should be doing? A "friend" of mine said it's their job to help me, but I don't think so because they don't know. Is there something they should be doing?


    Thank you!



    Your friend is wrong. Your bridesmaids are not your wedding planning assistants. They don't have to do anything except for buy their bridesmaid dress (that you should pick within their budget) and show up for your wedding day. If they want desperately to help you with your wedding, that's fine, but please don't give out jobs for them to do.
    I plan to get the dresses from David's Bridal, so my friend in CA can shop for herself once I get a color picked for the other 3. Thank you! I agree. They are there to support me, not to be my assistants. :)
    Actually they are there to serve a ceremonial role of honor that YOU have bestowed upon THEM.

    And they are not there to support you.  People on this site often get the terms support and celebrate confused.  Support is given during trying times, times of grief, illness, etc. . . bad times in life.  When something happy is going on- a marriage, birth of a child, graduation, etc. your friends and family celebrate you or with you.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited October 2015
    Your friend is wrong.  It's not their job to help you because it's simply not their job.  You can ask them, but they have the right to refuse without repercussions, and they don't have to offer.  As long as they show up on time, sober, and in good spirits in the designated outfit, go up and down the aisle with you, and pose for photos, they are doing their job.
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Bridesmaids are not there to "support" you. They're actually people that YOU are honoring. 
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  • mileybangerzmileybangerz member
    500 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    If you want motivation, hire Matt Foley to be a speaker

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  • MandyMostMandyMost member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    With all the media around being bombarded that "wedding planning takes over your whole life", your bridesmaids may think you're not including them if they aren't "involved". Honestly, if they are showing interest/excitement in your wedding, simply share more of your thoughts with them. Maybe send them links to things online that you like or hate, or when you pick something show them what you picked. Stuff like that. Maybe the local ones want to go to a bridal expo with you or something.

    But honestly, all of this excitement gets old quick for a lot of people, so let them guide you on how much to inlcude them!
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    MandyMost said:
    With all the media around being bombarded that "wedding planning takes over your whole life", your bridesmaids may think you're not including them if they aren't "involved". Honestly, if they are showing interest/excitement in your wedding, simply share more of your thoughts with them. Maybe send them links to things online that you like or hate, or when you pick something show them what you picked. Stuff like that. Maybe the local ones want to go to a bridal expo with you or something.

    But honestly, all of this excitement gets old quick for a lot of people, so let them guide you on how much to inlcude them!
    Exactly this.  I was super excited at first to help my sister plan her wedding.  It stopped being fun for me when she shot down every single one of my ideas and I realized we have Completely. Different. Taste.  In EVERYTHING.
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  • levioosalevioosa member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    This post did not at all go how I expected.  Thank god.  


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