Recently engaged - am I stealing my friend's thunder?

Re: Recently engaged - am I stealing my friend's thunder?

• banana468 member

  

  October 2015

  Just be honest.

  
  

  Some brides feel like there needs to be some kind of date block when they're getting married and others are completely chill.   Just do what you need to do and hopefully she doesn't go crazy. 

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• mileybangerz member

  

  October 2015

  tlm23 said:

  I live abroad and most of my friends still live in the US. A few months ago, one of my good friends called with news that she was engaged and plans to marry next autumn (yay!). I've already said that I will fly back to America to attend her wedding. This week I've just become engaged...and we need to be married next summer for immigration reasons and plan to do it in the country where I currently live. I'm nervous about calling my friend to tell her that I'm engaged and will be getting married before her. I don't want her to feel like she has to find money to fly to my wedding abroad when she is saving for her own upcoming wedding. I also don't want to seem like I'm "stealing her thunder" by getting married first.

  
  

  Am I over-analyzing the situation? How would you break the news?

  Congrats!  Do your thang.  If she gets upset, that's on her.  You can invite her & it's her call on whether she comes or not. 
  

  
  

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• climbingsingle member

  

  October 2015

  Just call and tell her. Hopefully your friend is a rational person and will be overjoyed for you. My cousin got engaged after me and got married 3 weeks before me, and I was over the moon for her. IMO, there's no such thing as stealing someone's thunder. It's a silly notion. 

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• wink0erin member

  

  October 2015 edited October 2015

  No, you are not stealing her thunder. Do what works for you, and hopefully she is sane enough to realize it's not all about her.  

  EDIT: That said, she may choose not to attend your wedding due to cost or time, and that's ok.

  ******************************************************
  
  

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  October 2015

  tlm23 said:

  I live abroad and most of my friends still live in the US. A few months ago, one of my good friends called with news that she was engaged and plans to marry next autumn (yay!). I've already said that I will fly back to America to attend her wedding. This week I've just become engaged...and we need to be married next summer for immigration reasons and plan to do it in the country where I currently live. I'm nervous about calling my friend to tell her that I'm engaged and will be getting married before her. I don't want her to feel like she has to find money to fly to my wedding abroad when she is saving for her own upcoming wedding. I also don't want to seem like I'm "stealing her thunder" by getting married first.

  
  

  Am I over-analyzing the situation? How would you break the news?

  You're not.  But what if you ARE 'stealing her thunder'?  What are your options?   Are you going to decide to not be engaged?  To not get married?  Because you have a friend who is engaged and getting married?  Or do you decide not Tell your friend that you're engaged and getting married?  Do you wait and tell her AFTER you're married and after she's married so that you haven't stolen her thunder?  "Well, friend, I didn't want to tell you earlier, because I didn't want to steal attention away from you, but I've been married for three months now."

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• MesmrEwe member

  

  October 2015

  IMO, you know your friend best. She's your friend, but the question really is - is she going to take it personally, and second to that, are your guest lists otherwise the same social circle.  Only you know that and your friend best.  If your guest lists are relatively similar, then yes, there may be an element of SHT if you're getting married "within the window" (0-6 weeks before her).  I've got friends who've had to do the quick get married because of immigration BS (still took 15 years for her to fully get her citizenship paperwork through - which is a different discussion..) in that short window, so I get it.  But, you really need to talk to your friend if she's someone who is that close to you such that you'd want her there with you on your wedding day but know she's got a lot of expenses associated with the wedding that she may be unable to attend (it's up to her to decide what is/isn't in her own budget, not you to project it onto her!). 

  Another option is, you could speed up your wedding so it's out of "the window" and a completely different season.. 

  At the end of the day though...  If she's going to get worked up about this, unless your wedding is on the same day, that's an issue with her, not you.  Whatever you do, never rip on her ideas of what the ideal wedding day is as her day may be polar opposite of what you plan for yourselves. 

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• SP29 member

  

  October 2015

  No you're not stealing her thunder (although some people seem to have this weird notion of that...). You get one day. I mean sure, if your wedding is a week before hers, it might make it impossible for her or you to travel, but you're not taking anything away from her.

  
  

  I would call her up and let her know everything that is going on- like you would with any other good friend. 

  
  

  The only thing to consider is travel and timing. But otherwise, if you want her at your wedding, invite her, and let her decide if she is able to come or not. 

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• kimmiinthemitten member

  

  October 2015

  OP, I hope you come back and let us know how it goes after you talk to your friend.

  
  

  And congrats!!

  
  

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• Knottie1440365793 member

  

  November 2015

  You're not stealing her thunder. Your wedding isn't a week before hers. You aren't doing this as a race. You have a very logical reason for why you are getting married before your friend and I think that if you explain the reason to her she'll be fine with it. 

  
  

  My cousin got engaged 6 weeks before me, but I'm getting married a year before him. I called him to talk about potential dates before we set anything and he was fine with it. My FI's cousin got engaged a few weeks after us and is getting married the week after we are (which WILL keep some family members from attending out wedding) and while I'm a little peeved about that, I don't feel like it's stealing my thunder, because our weddings are going to be so vastly different. I'm sure you and your friend's weddings will be so vastly different (starting with different countries!) and far enough apart that I'm sure there won't be any problems. 

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• kimmiinthemitten member

  

  November 2015

  Knottie1440365793 said:

  You're not stealing her thunder. Your wedding isn't a week before hers. You aren't doing this as a race. You have a very logical reason for why you are getting married before your friend and I think that if you explain the reason to her she'll be fine with it. 

  
  

  My cousin got engaged 6 weeks before me, but I'm getting married a year before him. I called him to talk about potential dates before we set anything and he was fine with it. My FI's cousin got engaged a few weeks after us and is getting married the week after we are (which WILL keep some family members from attending out wedding) and while I'm a little peeved about that, I don't feel like it's stealing my thunder, because our weddings are going to be so vastly different. I'm sure you and your friend's weddings will be so vastly different (starting with different countries!) and far enough apart that I'm sure there won't be any problems. 

  Even if it was, you're still not stealing her thunder.  She gets one day, you get one day.  That's the way this works.

  
  

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• Vivandiere8 member

  

  November 2015

  On the flip side she just might not only be over joyed that you are engaged, but her own engagement might make her even more excited for you than usual. We often tend to  remember the self absorbed people who expected both engagements, and even pregnancy announcements to cease and desist between their engagement and wedding date, but there are other people who become even more excited at the thought that others are experiencing the same joy that they are.
  
  I remember when my friend became engaged she asked me if I thought my DH would be asking me soon, and joked that maybe her engagement would encourage him along. I know she would have reacted with pure joy if we had become engaged a few days later. And then I remember how after I did get engaged I felt the same way about another friend. I knew how much she was hoping her own boyfriend would ask her, and I was also hoping it might give him ideas. I was so happy and I wanted that happiness for my friend. The thought of saying "Yay! we are both engaged!" and then sharing ideas was wonderful!
  
  So basically... She might actually be crazy thrilled for you, and very happy it's happening simultaneously. Many people feel this way.
  

  
  

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• scrunchythief member

  

  November 2015

  One of my closest friends got engaged and married during our engagement. Our engagement was just shy of 2 years and theirs was 6 months. We all just did what worked best for us. On top of that, it ws so much fun sharing that with her. We were both so excited for each other and we even went dress shopping together. Here's hoping she's as excited for you as you are for her.

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