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Decision making

Knottie1441728776Knottie1441728776 member
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in Wedding Woes
We got engaged in July and due to a possible move out of state, we are rushing to plan a wedding for December 6, 2015.

I love that my fiance wants to be involved in wedding planning, but it feels like so far we disagree on almost everything and we end up doing exactly what he wants.

I'm feeling like this wedding is spinning completely out of control and the only thing that I'm truly happy with is my dress and the venue. Everything else (colors, groom/groomsmen's clothes, registry issues, seating arrangements, invitations, music, etc.) is no where close to what I wanted.

We are on such a time crunch, there really isn't an opportunity to take time and discuss these issues in detail and come up with mutually agreeable options, etc. So I end up just giving in, trying to tell myself "the colors or invites aren't the most important part of the day" Which is true...but its also hard to feel like nothing about your wedding feels like your style or choice.
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Re: Decision making

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    *Barbie**Barbie* member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    why is the *possible* move necessitating a rush to the altar? 

    just focus on the move itself and plan the wedding after you're settled. if you're wanting to have it in your current town, you can do your research now and then book it once you've settled in your new home. it might mean you need to travel back for the wedding, but you'll have time to budget and plan for that too. 
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    Teddy917Teddy917 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    Pick your 3 most important things and have your Fi do the same. If there is overlap in the lists, great. On the ones where only one of you cares, you get control on that item.
    Example: Your list has Mexican cuisine, birds of paradise, and a mermaid style dress. His list has Mexican cuisine, country music, and red and gold colors.
    You have Mexican cuisine, country music, red and gold, a mermaid dress, and birds of paradise.

    If there are polar opposite wants on the things that are important to you, try to compromise (good practice for later). Like you want blue and lavender, he wants red and gold, do blue and gold.
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    CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited October 2015
    So what is it about his choice of clothing and groomsmen's clothing that you don't like?  What colors are you arguing about?

    If you two can't compromise about your wedding plans, you need to reconsider if you should get married at all.  There are lots of compromises in married life.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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    Knottie1441728776Knottie1441728776 member
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    Its not that we CAN'T compromise, we have no problem with that on big/real life issues.

    Its been more of that I have given in out of convenience and the time frame.

    And the issues like the clothes and colors really are "small" issues (he wants black tuxes for a 2:00pm afternoon wedding, I think that's too formal...he wants to say no gifts, I feel we should have registered...I wanted my bouquet all burgundy and he wants it all white...my dress is ivory and I wanted ivory shirts for the guys, he wants white...things like that) that I feel like I should be able to easily just let go as unimportant. 

    Deep down I think its about getting that "perfect wedding" I had already constructed for years before I even met him, out of my head.  I know it will all be amazing when it happens, but I am very much a details type person, so I do stress about the little things, even if I know that's not what is most important.
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    Knottie1441728776Knottie1441728776 member
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    He is likely transferring jobs, he has been told "wink, wink" you will get the position, but its not official until 11/4. If he does get it, he will be expected to be there by Jan or Feb, so if we waited til it was 100% sure, there would be no way to plan a wedding in our current town. All our friends are here, so we wanted to do it before moving.

    There is no postponing now, venue and all vendors are booked and paid for, invites are out, RSVP's mostly in...so our wedding IS December 6, 2015 at 2:00 pm. Its about 90% done with all planning and completely paid for. 

    I know it will be a great day in the end, just trying to learn to "let go" of things.
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    HeffalumpHeffalump member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited October 2015
    Knottie1441728776 said:
    Its not that we CAN'T compromise, we have no problem with that on big/real life issues.

    Its been more of that I have given in out of convenience and the time frame.

    And the issues like the clothes and colors really are "small" issues (he wants black tuxes for a 2:00pm afternoon wedding, I think that's too formal...he wants to say no gifts, I feel we should have registered...I wanted my bouquet all burgundy and he wants it all white...my dress is ivory and I wanted ivory shirts for the guys, he wants white...things like that) that I feel like I should be able to easily just let go as unimportant. 

    Deep down I think its about getting that "perfect wedding" I had already constructed for years before I even met him, out of my head.  I know it will all be amazing when it happens, but I am very much a details type person, so I do stress about the little things, even if I know that's not what is most important.
    Well, if you keep giving in, then no wonder you're starting to feel frustrated.  There's a way to talk things through without it throwing your entire timeline off, so I'd really work on that.  Is it that you're rolling over to speed things alone and then the resentment simmers under the surface, or is it more that he's bullying you into getting his way?  If it's the former, definitely practice being more assertive; if it's the latter, put the planning on hold and reconsider whether you want to spend the rest of your life with someone like that.

    As for no gifts, you never say "no gifts" on your invitations.  So hopefully you mean when someone asks him where you're registered, he says "Oh, we haven't registered" or something to that effect?
    Knottie1441728776 said:
    He is likely transferring jobs, he has been told "wink, wink" you will get the position, but its not official until 11/4. If he does get it, he will be expected to be there by Jan or Feb, so if we waited til it was 100% sure, there would be no way to plan a wedding in our current town. All our friends are here, so we wanted to do it before moving.

    There is no postponing now, venue and all vendors are booked and paid for, invites are out, RSVP's mostly in...so our wedding IS December 6, 2015 at 2:00 pm. Its about 90% done with all planning and completely paid for. 

    I know it will be a great day in the end, just trying to learn to "let go" of things.
    You can always postpone.  It may not be convenient, but it can always be done.  Not saying you necessarily should, but I'm seeing a lot of lack in agency in these posts:  I have to do whatever my FI says, there's no way to plan a wedding in our current town, there's no postponing.  Of course you can do any of these things, it's just that you choose not to.  Which is totally fine, but own it.
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    Knottie1441728776Knottie1441728776 member
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    Heffalump said:

    Well, if you keep giving in, then no wonder you're starting to feel frustrated.  There's a way to talk things through without it throwing your entire timeline off, so I'd really work on that.  Is it that you're rolling over to speed things alone and then the resentment simmers under the surface, or is it more that he's bullying you into getting his way?  If it's the former, definitely practice being more assertive; if it's the latter, put the planning on hold and reconsider whether you want to spend the rest of your life with someone like that.

    Definitely the first, he isn't bullying in any way at all! I've been in that type of relationship in the past and this is nothing like that. I'm giving in just out of an effort not to be my usual detail obsessive self...but then it simmers up as much as I am trying to turn over a new leaf and be more chill!

    As for no gifts, you never say "no gifts" on your invitations.  So hopefully you mean when someone asks him where you're registered, he says "Oh, we haven't registered" or something to that effect?

    Definitely not on our invitations. We have a wedding website with hotel info, directions, etc. and a link for "registry" and instead of a registry we just said

    "We'd love your well wishes,
    And congratulations too,
    No gifts are necessary,
    We'd just like to see you!

    Your presence is the best present!"

    You can always postpone.  It may not be convenient, but it can always be done.  Not saying you necessarily should, but I'm seeing a lot of lack in agency in these posts:  I have to do whatever my FI says, there's no way to plan a wedding in our current town, there's no postponing.  Of course you can do any of these things, it's just that you choose not to.  Which is totally fine, but own it.

    Absolutely, we are choosing to do things quickly. For many reasons it is the best choice for us. I am totally okay with that. The decision making process being a little rushed is one of the drawbacks to doing things quickly, but overall the quicker timeline will benefit us in many big ways (logistically, financially, career wise, etc.) Which is why its worth sticking with even if they have white instead of ivory shirts!

    Just trying my best to find perspective...sometimes in wedding planning I think its tough to see the big picture and was hoping some people could relate to that!


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    sparklepants41sparklepants41 member
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    FWIW my dress was ivory and H's groomsmen wore white shirts - no one noticed. No one cared.

    I agree with @engagedhamstermom - definitely push back on the color of your bouquet.

    We had a short engagement - engaged in April 2014, married in October 2014. I recommend you two make a list of the decisions you have yet to make and decide which are worth putting your foot down for. Just try not to get too caught up - it's the marriage, not the wedding, that is important.
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    Knottie1441728776Knottie1441728776 member
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    I don't see why he cares what color your bouquet is.

    Yeah, its funny, I've never been in a relationship where a man had preferences about color or flowers!
    His argument is that the bridesmaids are wearing gray, so he thinks THEIR bouquets should be all burgundy for contrast (he thinks burgundy flowers/gray dress will look better than white flowers/gray dress) But I feel the same about my bouquet, I don't want all white because I want it to contrast with my dress! We ended up deciding to do all bouquets a mix of both white/burgundy...I just wanted my bouquet to stand out and be different.  I love the flowers my florist chose (doing deep burgundy dahlias, ranunculus and cymbidium orchids) and I like the idea of a dramatic looking bouquet contrasting with my dress. I have until 11/25 to change my order with the florist, so I'm sure we'll talk about it again.

    I have to go today to meet with our coordinator and finalize all the details (like how we want to do the procession, from what path/direction I walk, what options we want for the timeline of the reception, etc.) He's out of town for 2.5 weeks for work and can't go, I'm guess none of my gut choices will be what he wants.




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    *Barbie**Barbie* member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited October 2015
    Knottie1441728776 said:
    Definitely not on our invitations. We have a wedding website with hotel info, directions, etc. and a link for "registry" and instead of a registry we just said

    "We'd love your well wishes,
    And congratulations too,
    No gifts are necessary,
    We'd just like to see you!

    Your presence is the best present!"

    *rolling my eyes at your poem* (because, of course there is a cheesy poem)

    if he gets to pick what the guys are wearing, you get to pick what the girls are wearing, including their flowers - and you can give him a 'ho sit down card if he gives you any crap on that. white will have just as much contrast with gray as burgundy would, unless you picked some sort of dishwater gray for the BM.  I think having your flowers all one color would also be too much, but ultimately it's up to you. 


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    CMGragainCMGragain member
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    OMG, take that tacky, cheesy poem off your website immediately!  Eeeew!!  This is just awful.

    If he insists on picking inappropriate clothing for the guys to wear at your afternoon wedding, then you should be allowed to choose what your girls will wear and what flowers you will carry.  (Tuxedos are evening clothes.  They aren't too formal for daytime weddings - they are just wrong.)  Please show him this website:  http://www.blacktieguide.com/Etiquette/Etiquette_Tradition.htm  This is a very good website for understanding men's formal wear.

    If he really wants to wear a tuxedo at his daytime wedding, oh, well.  He has no right to dictate your choices, though.
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    Knottie1441728776Knottie1441728776 member
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    CMGragain said:
    OMG, take that tacky, cheesy poem off your website immediately!  Eeeew!!  This is just awful.

    If he insists on picking inappropriate clothing for the guys to wear at your afternoon wedding, then you should be allowed to choose what your girls will wear and what flowers you will carry.  (Tuxedos are evening clothes.  They aren't too formal for daytime weddings - they are just wrong.)  Please show him this website:  http://www.blacktieguide.com/Etiquette/Etiquette_Tradition.htm  This is a very good website for understanding men's formal wear.

    If he really wants to wear a tuxedo at his daytime wedding, oh, well.  He has no right to dictate your choices, though.


    I like the poem, I worked quite hard putting pieces together from a few other poems to come up with that one. I feel like its better than simply "No gifts please". I'm sure you'd think a lot of things we are doing are "cheesy" or "tacky" because honestly in general we aren't a very "traditional" couple, and don't really follow a lot of the so called "rules".

    I don't mind doing things that go against "etiquette" stuff...I'm not too interested in etiquette and neither is he, he knows the rules about formal wear, just doesn't care. I'm okay with breaking etiquette rules, my issue is the formality, not that they are the "wrong" choice. I just wanted to keep the feel of my wedding more casual and he wants it more formal.

    We are both in our late 30's, second marriages, kids, etc. so we aren't doing everything the "old fashion" way, which is fine with us. My teenage son is walking me down the aisle instead of my father. Yep, way cheesy. My 14 yr old daughter is my maid of honor even though etiquette says she can't be. Oh well. I'm not doing a father/daughter dance, no bouquet toss, etc. Skipping all that stuff because its not our style.Again, doesn't follow the rules, but okay with us.

    Wasn't looking for opinions on our choices, just more for support in the effort to accept and let go of the details and keep the focus on the big picture of the commitment of marriage and starting a new family.

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    OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its

    First, remove the poem from your website.  I know you said you worked hard on it.  But it is never acceptable to mention gifts anywhere unless it is on a shower invitation - those are gift giving occasions, so appropriate.  I would just delete the whole "Registry" section from your wedding website.  If someone asks about a gift, it is ok to respond with no gift.  Recite them your poem if you enjoy it so much!

    Let go him wanting to wear a tux.  He knows where the venue is and he knows how the formality of the day will go.  But he probably wants to wear something compatible to your wedding dress.  Now if you were wearing a simple sundress and he wanted to wear a tux, I would try to show him examples of how those two pairing may not go right. 

    All the things you think are etiquette are actually traditions.  You having your son walk you down the aisle, no bouquet toss, your daughter as MOH are not choices that will directly effect your guests.  Not having enough chairs or enough food for your guests, that is against etiquette.  So to say you are against etiquette says that you don't care about how your guests are hosted by you at the wedding.

    As for some of the other things.  If you want a solid color bouquet, then do that.  My friend had an ivory gown and bouquet of red roses.  They stood out against her dress and looked amazing.  I would keep a color mixture of burgundy and white for your BMs though, to help break up the white colors.

    You know that marriage is all about compromising and communication, if you always keep rolling over to your FI's ideas and decisions -not just wedding related- you will begin to harbor resentment to him.  That will doom this marriage before it even begins.  You need to learn how to discuss things with your FI, have your opinion heard and figure out a compromise that works for both of you.  It shouldn't be your FI's final decisions all the time.

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    MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper

    Pick your battles - what are "hills to die on".  Go along to get along vs. compromise vs. "I'm the Bride Da**it!" (you only get one of these moments)

    On the flowers - if your heart is absolutely set on the burgundy only, then IMO, you get to put your foot down.  If he wants his bout to be white, that's o.k. too!  At the end of the day, it's all going to look just fine together. Same goes for him wearing a tux. 

    As for all things gifts/registering - not all guests are going to give cash.  As a general rule it's tacky to say "no gifts please" for a wedding (yes, I'm in the "ditch the cheesy poem club". At the end of the day, your best compromise here may simply be explain that he's welcome to come along and provide input or you're going yourself so you don't end up with 80 wine glasses, mismatched silverware, and other misc. stuff you have no lifetime use for.  Please be kind and register for something even if it's simply laundry detergent and your favorite brand of paper towels.  I say that in jest, but really, as a guest, it sucks to come up with something to give the couple when going empty handed just isn't the right thing to do and not everyone is a fan of giving gift cards or cash. 

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    mollybarker11mollybarker11 member
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    edited October 2015
    OliveOilsMom said:

    First, remove the poem from your website.  I know you said you worked hard on it.  But it is never acceptable to mention gifts anywhere unless it is on a shower invitation - those are gift giving occasions, so appropriate.  I would just delete the whole "Registry" section from your wedding website.  If someone asks about a gift, it is ok to respond with no gift.  Recite them your poem if you enjoy it so much!

    This. @Knottie1441728776, the poem may look better to you than "no gifts please" but neither one is necessary, just delete the tab. Plus isn't this one of the things you disagree on? Without the announcement on your website it's an easy compromise - when people ask him he can tell them he doesn't want anything and when people ask you you can direct them to a registry. Whatever.

    As for your other issues, you should choose the bridesmaids' & your bouquet, and he should choose the groomsmen's attire (no one will notice the ivory VS white). That's really simple. I suggest deciding what you consider "deal-breakers", have him do the same, and compare notes. Literally write things down and schedule a time to sit and hammer things out so it's not an argument that goes around in circles.

    Also for lurkers, a good way to avoid feeling pressed for time and locked into things you haven't finalized is to NOT send out invitations ridiculously early like OP did.
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