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Grandparents cant make it to Destination Wedding (At Fiance's Home) ??

Knottie1441806345Knottie1441806345 member
First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
in Destination Weddings Discussions
While there are PLENTY of threads regarding destination weddings and grandparents not being able to attend, mine is a very unique twist on the dilemma. My fiance and I are in the early stages of planning our wedding in the Bahamas, where he was born and raised, and where his parents own a small private resort. The resort would be closed to our guests for the wedding for 3-4 days at a great price!! His immediate family and grandparents live there and the rest of his family lives in Florida (a short plane ride). My family is from Illinois/Iowa and I'm devastated to find out my grandparents don't think they can make the trip away from home. They are 84 and 89, still living at home alone and are very active for their age but they are slowing down. I can't imagine them not being at my wedding, but I am dead set on the destination wedding. I am a part time wedding photographer and have seen enough weddings to know that I do not want a big hometown wedding, where you spend 30 sec with each of your 250 guests, most of whom were invited by obligation. I LOVE the idea of spending a long weekend with my close friends and family, instead of a huge wedding where the entire day is a blur. I cant very well have the small wedding I want in my hometown without hurting someone's feelings. I'm wondering if a post destination wedding reception would be enough for the grandparents or if I should change my plans completely and have the wedding where they can attend? I know only I can answer this, but I'm wondering if anyone has any advice that may help!?!?
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Re: Grandparents cant make it to Destination Wedding (At Fiance's Home) ??

  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Knottie1441806345 said:
    While there are PLENTY of threads regarding destination weddings and grandparents not being able to attend, mine is a very unique twist on the dilemma. My fiance and I are in the early stages of planning our wedding in the Bahamas, where he was born and raised, and where his parents own a small private resort. The resort would be closed to our guests for the wedding for 3-4 days at a great price!! His immediate family and grandparents live there and the rest of his family lives in Florida (a short plane ride). My family is from Illinois/Iowa and I'm devastated to find out my grandparents don't think they can make the trip away from home. They are 84 and 89, still living at home alone and are very active for their age but they are slowing down. I can't imagine them not being at my wedding, but I am dead set on the destination wedding. I am a part time wedding photographer and have seen enough weddings to know that I do not want a big hometown wedding, where you spend 30 sec with each of your 250 guests, most of whom were invited by obligation. I LOVE the idea of spending a long weekend with my close friends and family, instead of a huge wedding where the entire day is a blur. I cant very well have the small wedding I want in my hometown without hurting someone's feelings. I'm wondering if a post destination wedding reception would be enough for the grandparents or if I should change my plans completely and have the wedding where they can attend? I know only I can answer this, but I'm wondering if anyone has any advice that may help!?!?
    Who's paying for the wedding?

    FWIW, I never entertained the idea of a DW.  We got married at the church where I grew up and our reception venue was actually next door to my preschool.  Yep - hometown wedding for me.  We had ~230 people and it really wasn't that much of a blur and we had very few "obligatory" invitees.  We had a blast.

    But you were right - you're the only one who can answer this.  I have a friend who had a DW this past spring and her parents couldn't come because her mother was gravely ill from cancer.  They made a crazy tough decision, and I know they did not make it likely.  




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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    While it is a DW, your FI was born and raised there, so it's more like you are having a wedding in the groom's hometown.    When you are a couple that comes from different areas, it's not unusual for some family members just can't make it.    It's just life.








    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited October 2015
    Accept your grandparents' decision.  My daughter's wedding was in the area where she lived, and we had lived there for more than 30 years before moving away for retirement.  My FIL and mother decided they could not attend, even when we offered to pay all their expenses.  Like the PP said, that's life.

    Share your pictures with the grandparents at a future date.  No party necessary, or appropriate.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Your grandparents are in their late 80s. You had to have some idea that they might not be able to attend. You decided to have a DW and sometimes the consequences are that your loved ones can't attend.
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  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    FI's grandparents live in Arizona and Florida and can't travel (to where they're originally from) because of age. I believe FIs family is trying to figure out a way to FaceTime his paternal grandparents so they can watch. We're trying to find an iPhone pedestal to set up but if not his aunt volunteered to hold the phone.
    image
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  • princessleia22princessleia22 member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    You just need to figure out for yourself what is most important.  If you had a wedding back in the US, so your grandparents can attend, would there be issues with HIS parents/grandparents not being able to come? If you are set on the destination wedding, maybe look into finding a way to video stream it, so they can watch it from home.  Maybe have someone hold a phone that can facetime or skype it.  Or there are professional web streaming services that will set up a website for video streaming, like www.idostream.com.  That may be a good compromise so they can still view the wedding in real time.  Then, like others said, just set up a day after you back to have dinner with them and show them all the photos.

    image 

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  • WinstonsGirlWinstonsGirl member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You have to make this decision.  We did a DW and my only Grandparent said she couldn't travel.  We decided to cancel and stay home but she phoned me up and said that under no circumstances were we to change our plans on her account.  She told us to go and insisted we get married in a DW even if she couldn't make it.  She convinced us to get married away.  We did do a AHR, casual backyard BBQ/open house, and she came to that.  We also gave her photos, and she was happy with that.  This decision comes down to you, your FI, anyone else who is paying and them.  

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  • VicTim328VicTim328 member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    Technology can be a great tool in these situations.  Facetime or Skype could allow them to be there.  Skype Conference may even allow others to watch. Is it possible to have a videog stream it for your family?
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  • GlamQueenBrideGlamQueenBride member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    As others have said, only you can make this choice. Personally, if it was me and my grandparents couldn't attend, I would nix the DW and have the wedding at or close to home, then honeymoon in the Bahamas. But only you can decide.

    On a sidenote, I am slightly alarmed about the story of the bride who chose a DW while her mother was so gravely ill. But we all make choices.
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  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    adk19 said:
    Send a gift box to your grandparents to arrive on their doorstep on your wedding day.  Include a program (even if you're not doing programs) for them.  Send a bout and a corsage or just some loose flowers similar to the ones you'll have in your bouquet.  Maybe a CD with the music you'll be playing when you walk down the aisle.  Copies of your readings/bible verses/poems.  Maybe a picture of you in your dress at your final fitting.  And a letter letting them know how much you love them and wish they could be there, but you understand that they couldn't make it and you're looking forward to sending them photos afterwards and having dinner with them soon.  They can feel like they were there, or at least that they were very much missed, and won't have to deal with the stress of making sure technology is working in real time.
    I know I'm not the OP but I LOVE this idea so much I just emailed it to FI.  This, in addition to the facetime call would mean the world to his Grandmother.    You're a genius:).  Thank you!
    image
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  • KatWAGKatWAG member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You aren't requiring people to stay at FIL's resort, are you?
    BabyFruit Ticker
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  • Liatris2010Liatris2010 mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    Knottie1441806345 said:
    While there are PLENTY of threads regarding destination weddings and grandparents not being able to attend, mine is a very unique twist on the dilemma. My fiance and I are in the early stages of planning our wedding in the Bahamas, where he was born and raised, and where his parents own a small private resort. The resort would be closed to our guests for the wedding for 3-4 days at a great price!! His immediate family and grandparents live there and the rest of his family lives in Florida (a short plane ride). My family is from Illinois/Iowa and I'm devastated to find out my grandparents don't think they can make the trip away from home. They are 84 and 89, still living at home alone and are very active for their age but they are slowing down. I can't imagine them not being at my wedding, but I am dead set on the destination wedding. I am a part time wedding photographer and have seen enough weddings to know that I do not want a big hometown wedding, where you spend 30 sec with each of your 250 guests, most of whom were invited by obligation. I LOVE the idea of spending a long weekend with my close friends and family, instead of a huge wedding where the entire day is a blur. I cant very well have the small wedding I want in my hometown without hurting someone's feelings. I'm wondering if a post destination wedding reception would be enough for the grandparents or if I should change my plans completely and have the wedding where they can attend? I know only I can answer this, but I'm wondering if anyone has any advice that may help!?!?

    I disagree. I think you can have a small hometown wedding without a big risk to other people's feelings. These people aren't getting invited either way, so what difference does it make why they aren't invited?
    image
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  • ryanandjoe4ryanandjoe4 member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper

    kimmiinthemitten said:
    FI's grandparents live in Arizona and Florida and can't travel (to where they're originally from) because of age. I believe FIs family is trying to figure out a way to FaceTime his paternal grandparents so they can watch. We're trying to find an iPhone pedestal to set up but if not his aunt volunteered to hold the phone.
    http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B005KP473Q?psc=1&redirect=true&ref_=oh_aui_detailpage_o03_s00

    http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00PMDSEXK?psc=1&redirect=true&ref_=oh_aui_detailpage_o03_s00

    I have this tripod/holder for my iphone, it is great! we have used it a lot to get everyone in the pictures and not always just H because I am the one that takes pictures..
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    http://i.imgur.com/vdLE8dJ.gif?noredirect

    <a href="http://www.thenest.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Home Buying"><img src="http://global.thenest.com/tickers/tt1cd146.aspx" alt="Anniversary" border="0"  /></a>
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  • kvrunskvruns member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer

    I'm not sure this is really any more unique than any other DW where some people can't travel there? If you were having the wedding in the states, perhaps near where your family is, would his grandparents and other family member be able to travel?

    are there other resort options if people don't want to stay at this one?

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  • TheCheeseWenchTheCheeseWench member
    500 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    This is actually pretty common.

    We got married out of state on a Thursday evening, so we knew a lot pf people would not be able to make it (though 75 still did). My 91yo Grandmother was planning to attend. She was totally on board with the plan before we booked it. She later had some health setbacks that required her to temporarily live in a skilled nursing facility during our wedding, thus making it impossible for that to happen. We had an employee of our venue man the ipad to Skype the wedding for her. My uncle brought her pizza and craft beer (what we were serving at our brewery wedding) and she got to see everything. After we returned home she said it worked out much better than if she had gone with us. She is nearly deaf, so she has a hard time socializing. She said this way she got to attend in her pajamas, eat and drink tasty things, and didn't have to struggle to "try to visit with a bunch of damn people she didn't know". There are ways to include them even if they cannot be there.

    Also I second the resort question. Are there other options in the area for accommodations, or are you basically requiring your guests to patronize FI's family resort? That may cut down your attendance, since "great price" is relative to each family. You also may have some people see this as a way for the family to profit from your wedding. Just be prepared for side eye.
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  • Knottie1441806345Knottie1441806345 member
    First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    @adk19 Thank you SO much for this wonderful idea!! I never thought of a way to make them still feel involved the day of the wedding, aside from skype (which is not always reliable on the island). I LOVE this idea and it will make my decision so much easier. Thank you thank you thank you!
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  • Knottie1441806345Knottie1441806345 member
    First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    @KatWAG  Yes of course. Its the most convenient and best price. Its a small island, with only 3 resorts. The other 2 resorts are not close by and there are not enough rental cars for everyone. Problem?
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  • Knottie1441806345Knottie1441806345 member
    First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    @TheCheeseWench There is no profit being made. The guests rates are covering for maid service and electricity/water usage. The island has a population of 1500, with only 2 other small resorts over 40 minutes from my fiance's parents place. This island has maybe 5 rental cars, so there is no other option. We've carefully selected the 70 friends and family members to invite, all of whom are smart enough to know no one is profiting off of this.. smh
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  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    Knottie1441806345 said:
    @TheCheeseWench There is no profit being made. The guests rates are covering for maid service and electricity/water usage. The island has a population of 1500, with only 2 other small resorts over 40 minutes from my fiance's parents place. This island has maybe 5 rental cars, so there is no other option. We've carefully selected the 70 friends and family members to invite, all of whom are smart enough to know no one is profiting off of this.. smh
    Just because it may seem like common sense, doesn't mean it is.  You didn't state that his parents were donating their space so there was no way to know for sure which means Wench's question was fair.

    There's another post on the Etiquette board right now where everyone is pretty convinced that the B&G is getting a kick back from their hotel blocks, so these things do happen.
    image
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited December 2015
    Knottie1441806345 said:
    @KatWAG  Yes of course. Its the most convenient and best price. Its a small island, with only 3 resorts. The other 2 resorts are not close by and there are not enough rental cars for everyone. Problem?
    I think that this is a poor choice of venues.  It is inconvenient and requires guests to stay at a specific resort.  I would give it a side-eye.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    You've got some decisions to make...  While the Bahamas are convenient for your FI's side, yours, not so much - and you aren't the first couple to ever deal with that type of situation.  You can have your GP there via computer, you can not have them there in any way and be heartbroken... Or you can consider a third option - a DW closer to where your family is in IL/IA, but not so far that your GP aren't willing to travel there... 

    Galena/Dubuque is a beautiful area and easy flight into Chicago or Dubuque with tons of venue options based on the size you need..  Down by the Quads is another possibility...  Carroll County is another great destination area without breaking the bank...  Madison, WI - another easy flight/DW..  Prairie Du Chien/Marquette,IA...  Omaha...  All decent options

    Having traveled a lot in the region I could go on for a day rattling off locations but at the end of the day, only the two of you can decide what to do.  People from his side won't be able to attend a wedding near where you're from, people in your family won't be able to attend where he's from.  So what if "people will get mad" if you have a local wedding and they aren't invited because you choose to keep it small, they won't get invited to your DW, so what's the difference?  Also, depending on the time of year -what about Hurricane season? 

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