Having a "private wedding" and want to tell best friends but I'm worried they will be mad

Re: Having a "private wedding" and want to tell best friends but I'm worried they will be mad

• arrrghmatey member

  

  November 2015 edited November 2015

  
  

  kareiche said:

  Due to a number of circumstances my fiancée and I are having a "private wedding". We became engaged a few weeks ago and will be getting married in 44 days. Only the officiant myself , the fi, his daughter and possibly both our moms will be present. Reasons being: - he's military and getting ready for deployment and frequently at sea and it's impossible to plan anything around a unknown schedule - I want to avoid the really big wedding stress... Especially bc it brings up a lot of tough feelings about my dads passing - We are in Va beach and all my family and friends are in Indiana and his in Georgia and Wisconsin or overseas we would have to wait until 2017 to plan a wedding where he won't be deployed and My friends would have enough time to plan on attending. I have told select people I'm getting married in that short of time. I want to tell my best girlfriends but I know a few will be upset. I will be home thanksgiving and thought I might have a get together and tell them then... Any advice on the best way to break the news?

  ……Why would they be upset? They should be happy for you. If you're concerned that they will be upset because they aren't getting to attend a wedding, just be honest with them and tell them everything you just told us.

   
  

                                   

  
  

                                                 

  Report4 Reply
• lc07 member

  

  November 2015

  I would be disappointed to not be invited to my best friend's wedding. But I'd get over it. If that was what was best for her and her FI I would accept that and be happy for them. I agree with PP, but I wouldn't tell them the part about how you'd have to give them a lot of notice to attend unless you would be okay with them saying, "I can be there in 44 days!" Because assuming my job would let me take off from work I would go almost anywhere in the world to see one of my siblings or best friends be married, even on short notice. 

  Report9 Reply
• onefootinthebayou member

  

  November 2015

  I was happy for you just reading your post and I don't even know you.  It sounds like you've found happiness despite a difficult loss and your reasons for a small, private wedding completely make sense.  I can't imagine being a friend of yours and being upset by this.  Of course, I'd be sad to miss a best friend's wedding, but decidedly less so if circumstances dictated that friends would not be invited.  I hope your friends are understanding of your situation.  My advice would be to just be direct with them like you were here.  Also, congratulations on your engagement

  Report1 Reply
• SP29 member

  

  November 2015

  I might be a bit sad to miss my best friends wedding, but I wouldn't be mad at her.

  
  

  Tell your friends openly, and tell them your reasons why. You are not wrong for choosing a private wedding, or having it in 44 days. 

  
  

  I would not say, "It's too short notice for you to attend", as said already, in case your friend says, "I can be there!". Either leave it as you would like to have a private ceremony, knowing you do not want to have any guests attend that you would then have to host after in some fashion. Or, you can tell your best friend(s) when and where, and leave it up to them if they would like to attend. 

  Report3 Reply
• CMGragain member

  

  November 2015

  Do not discuss your wedding plans with anyone who will not be invited to your wedding.  If someone asks, you say, "We are having a private ceremony."  You don't owe anyone an explanation.
  Do send out wedding announcements to your friends and family AFTER the ceremony.  This does not mean that they should send your a gift.  You might receive some nice cards, though.
  
  

  Mrs. John Bridesfather
  announces the marriage of her daughter
  Bride's First Middle
  to
  Mr.Groom's Full Name
  Date
  City, State
  

  
  

  

  Report1 Reply
• jacques27 member

  

  November 2015

  1.  I don't understand the notion that your "best" (your word) girlfriends would be mad.  That's the antithesis of being the best anything.  Maybe a titch disappointed, sure, because who doesn't like to share in important moments and party with their best girlfriends.  But if they get mad, then I hate to tell you, but they aren't that great of friends in the first place.  It's not like you're inviting everyone EXCEPT them.

  2. Honestly, I would be more mad at my friend withholding information from me because they thought I "couldn't handle it" or they made assumptions about what my reaction would be.  Really, very few things get me more upset than people making those kinds of judgments about me and not giving me the benefit of the doubt.  Heck, I might even be upset that you waited so long to tell me since you got engaged a few weeks ago and are planning to wait three more weeks for Thanksgiving, but have told other people who aren't your "best girlfriends".

  Report2 Reply
• southernbelle0915 mod

  

  November 2015

  I wouldn't be mad. If my best friend wanted to marry the love of her life and it made the most sense for them to have a JOP wedding, then good for them!
  
  I'd just send her a card/gift and make sure I took her out to drinks next time I saw her.

  *********************************************************************************

  
  

  

  Report0 Reply
• [Deleted User] member

  

  November 2015

  If I were your best friend, I would want to know. Just tell her what you told us and if she is truly your best friend, she will understand. The good part is that you are truly keeping it small, it's not like you are inviting a group of people and not including her. It's just possible a total of 5 people, so you are truly keeping it small & private. Let your best friend share in your excitement. Yes, she'll be bummed that she won't be there with you to share a major event in your life. But as a best friend, she would be hurt that you didn't feel you couldn't tell her when you knew 44 days out that you were getting married.

  Report1 Reply
• OliveOilsMom member

  

  November 2015

  I think if you want these friends to attend the wedding, then invite them, they are free to attend or decline.  But let them make the decision.

  If you truly want that small private wedding, then at least tell them you are having the small wedding before it happens.  If they ask why you are having a small wedding, just tell them that it is what you and FI want.  Tell them about the short timeframe before your FI deploys, the tough feelings you have about your dad's passing, and trying to keep wedding stress to a minimum.  But don't mention to your friends that they wouldn't have enough time to plan to attend.  I have planned trips very last minute, so its possible.

  If you do decide to have a slightly larger guest list, you don't have to have a big crazy 5 hour wedding.  You could have your ceremony in a reserved room at a restaurant and go right into a nice dinner after the ceremony.  Wedding planning stress exists if you make it exist. 

  

  Report5 Reply
• Jen4948 member

  

  November 2015

  kareiche said:

  Due to a number of circumstances my fiancée and I are having a "private wedding". We became engaged a few weeks ago and will be getting married in 44 days. Only the officiant myself , the fi, his daughter and possibly both our moms will be present. Reasons being: - he's military and getting ready for deployment and frequently at sea and it's impossible to plan anything around a unknown schedule - I want to avoid the really big wedding stress... Especially bc it brings up a lot of tough feelings about my dads passing - We are in Va beach and all my family and friends are in Indiana and his in Georgia and Wisconsin or overseas we would have to wait until 2017 to plan a wedding where he won't be deployed and My friends would have enough time to plan on attending. I have told select people I'm getting married in that short of time. I want to tell my best girlfriends but I know a few will be upset. I will be home thanksgiving and thought I might have a get together and tell them then... Any advice on the best way to break the news?

  Your friends might be disappointed at not being invited to your wedding, but other than the bolded, you have valid reasons for wanting a small private wedding.  If anyone expresses disappointment, you might tell them, "In view of FI's tightly limited amount of time available before his deployment and my dad's passing, I've been on an emotional roller coaster and trying to plan a bigger wedding would cause me and FI an intense amount of stress.  So by way of keeping things simple and low-key, we planned a small private wedding.  I'm sorry for your disappointment in not being invited."
  

  Report3 Reply
• MesmrEwe member

  

  November 2015

  Agreed - be open and honest!!!  Some people may be disappointed, but I can't envision anyone being mad!  Be matter of fact - this is the way it's going to be!  Yes, I'd invite the Moms - this is not only a big day for you two but for them as well!

  If you do want to invite others, you could just do the casual "Hey, we're getting married in 40 days, we're keeping it private/small so no traditional stuff, if you can make it, let us know by (30 days) so we can reserve a place for dinner to people who'd be VIP type guests (his favorite Aunt Olive and Uncle Popeye)"...  You're a military bride, people will understand and aren't going to be "put off" by it.  People would rather know ahead of time that you're getting married to be excited for you even if they aren't going to be invited than find out after the fact given what you've said.  Make your decision with your FI and stick with it. 

  Report1 Reply
• arrippa member

  

  November 2015

  kareiche said:

  Due to a number of circumstances my fiancée and I are having a "private wedding". We became engaged a few weeks ago and will be getting married in 44 days. Only the officiant myself , the fi, his daughter and possibly both our moms will be present. Reasons being: - he's military and getting ready for deployment and frequently at sea and it's impossible to plan anything around a unknown schedule - I want to avoid the really big wedding stress... Especially bc it brings up a lot of tough feelings about my dads passing - We are in Va beach and all my family and friends are in Indiana and his in Georgia and Wisconsin or overseas we would have to wait until 2017 to plan a wedding where he won't be deployed and My friends would have enough time to plan on attending. I have told select people I'm getting married in that short of time. I want to tell my best girlfriends but I know a few will be upset. I will be home thanksgiving and thought I might have a get together and tell them then... Any advice on the best way to break the news?

  
  A good friend of mine had a private wedding with only their parents attending. I was sad to miss it but I wasn't mad at her. Just tell them. They did waht they felt was best for them and I never faulted them for it.

  Report1 Reply
• mauiwowie9 member

  

  November 2015

  I wouldn't stress about it. Your friends might be a little disappointed, sure, but in the end they will understand. Especially since you are having a truly private wedding and not inviting, say, two friends but none of the others. Enjoy this exciting time and try not to stress out; you can't please everyone all the time and people will get it.

  Report3 Reply
• vikinganna87 member

  

  November 2015

  I agree about being open and honest about you getting married and why it's a private ceremony.  I do understand, though, that some of your friends will be disappointed about not being invited.  But that's inevitable with a small wedding.

  
  

  I got married at 37 and over the course of 15+ years had been invited to a number of weddings.  Since our wedding was relatively small - about 58 ppl including kids - there were some friends whose weddings I'd attended or been invited to that I did not invite to mine.  H and I have a ton of family and each of us only invited about 6-7 really close friends each.  I have one college friend who got married in 2009 and is a wedding planner. I attended her wedding (it was huge) and though we have good college memories together, we haven't seen each other a lot in our adult lives.  I think she was really disappointed not to be involved in my wedding or not to be invited but eventually got over it.

  
  

  With really close friends, I agree with PPs that they should be really happy for you and not think about being disappointment in not being able to share in celebration.  I have, however, been disappointed once or twice about not being invited to a wedding and it wasn't until I got married that I truly understood how private and personal these decisions are.  True friends will get over it.  The only other option is to invite them, but it doesn't seem logistically possible or aligned with what you and your future H want.

  
  

  Good luck!

  Report0 Reply