Bridal Shower - difficult/unresponsive Maids of Honor

Knottie1446486285 · November 2015

Hi all! There are two maids of honor (or co-MOH's, I guess), three bridesmaids. **EDIT** We (the bridesmaids) had been told that the MOH's were heading up the bridal shower and they had a location picked. Then, after the bachelorette weekend when one of the bridesmaids asked them about it, the MOH's stated the bridal shower is not their job and that it's the bride's mom's job to deal with it. When the other bridesmaid asked them about it again at a later time, in an attempt to get clarification and figure out a way forward, one of the MOH's rolled her eyes and said "I guess that's next" and that was the end of the discussion. The MOH's did not speak to any of the bridesmaids after that and seemed to have no intention of starting a shower.

The three of us (bridesmaids) decided we should go ahead and start planning one. A group message was sent to the bridesmaids and MOH's stating that since we had not heard about a shower plan we had some ideas, would like their opinions and would like to work together to throw a cute and affordable shower. After a week, neither MOH replied (but both had read the message immediately). At that point we decided that we need to get going because we only have a small amount of time, so we sent another message saying that since there seemed to be no objections we are moving forward with the plan and taking the bride out to happy hour to tell her and we would love for them to join us if they wanted to. One MOH replied with "Sorry, I need to catch up on this tomorrow, my head is pounding" and the other MOH said "I'm down for whatever, just keep me posted" and that was that. No further replies and neither of them showed up at the restaurant.

Their lack of communication has created an awkward situation. They have clearly separated themselves from the three of us, but despite their behavior I do not want to make them feel like their input is not wanted or to feel like they are being shut out. On the other hand I also don't want to continue to look foolish by sending them messages repeatedly asking for their thoughts and informing them of updates while they sit and don't respond. I also don't want to annoy them with the messages.

At this point my question is this: would it be inappropriate to send them a message and say "the bride is excited about the shower, she is fine with the date and location we chose, please let me know if you would like to partake in putting this together or if you would prefer not to"? And if yet again neither of them respond, is it fair to simply stop messaging them altogether and move on? I would prefer it if they would simply straight out tell us that they do not want to participate but I don't think either of them will actually say that.

Thank you!

JediElizabeth · November 2015

Knottie1446486285 said:
Hi all! There are two maids of honor (or co-MOH's, I guess), three bridesmaids. The MOH's stated the bridal shower is not their job and that it's the bride's mom's job to deal with it. When a bridesmaid asked them about it again at a later time, in an attempt to figure out a way forward, one of the MOH's rolled her eyes and said "I guess that's next" and that was the end of the discussion.  The MOH's did not speak to any of the bridesmaids after that and seemed to have no intention of starting a shower.
The three of us (bridesmaids) decided we should go ahead and start planning one. A group message was sent to the bridesmaids and MOH's stating that since we had not heard about a shower plan we had some ideas, would like their opinions and would like to work together to throw a cute and affordable shower.  After a week, neither MOH replied (but both had read the message immediately). At that point we decided that we need to get going because we only have a small amount of time, so we sent another message saying that since there seemed to be no objections we are moving forward with the plan and taking the bride out to happy hour to tell her and we would love for them to join us if they wanted to. One MOH replied with "Sorry, I need to catch up on this tomorrow, my head is pounding" and the other MOH said "I'm down for whatever, just keep me posted" and that was that. No further replies and neither of them showed up at the restaurant.
Their lack of communication has created an awkward situation.  They have clearly separated themselves from the three of us, but despite their behavior I do not want to make them feel like their input is not wanted or to feel like they are being shut out. On the other hand I also don't want to continue to look foolish by sending them messages repeatedly asking for their thoughts and informing them of updates while they sit and don't respond.  I also don't want to annoy them with the messages.
At this point my question is this: would it be inappropriate to send them a message and say "the bride is excited about the shower, she is fine with the date and location we chose, please let me know if you would like to partake in putting this together or if you would prefer not to"? And if yet again neither of them respond, is it fair to simply stop messaging them altogether and move on? I would prefer it if they would simply straight out tell us that they do not want to participate but I don't think either of them will actually say that.
Thank you!

It sounds like the MOHs don't want to host. Nor are they required to host or pay for a shower. Stop pushing the issue if they're not responding to you.

If you and the other BMs want to host, then let everyone know that you'll be throwing the bride a shower, and you hope the MOHs can make it. Don't bother them about it again.

(Edited because words are hard on mobile)

lnixon8 · November 2015

3 of you throw the shower, invite the MOHs.

Knottie1446486285 · November 2015

I realize that they are not "required" to do anything--sorry if I implied that I feel they are required to do it. We did not hammer them with messages--it was one message asking what the whole group thought and then a second one saying we were going to go ahead and start since there were no objections and that's when we got the odd replies.

My concern is that I don't want them to feel that we are excluding them by moving forward on our own. It seems that they were planning on handling it, then decided they do not want to throw it but they also don't seem happy that we are trying to throw it either. I guess I would expect two adults to simply say that they are not up for participating in the shower rather than sending weird/rude/ambiguous/non-committal replies. It is just uncomfortable but I guess I will have to get over that!

Ultimately, I think you are correct...they have had plenty of time to respond and jump in or stop us if they already had a plan and they have not done so, so we can throw it and invite them and leave it at that.

Thanks!

kimmiinthemitten · November 2015

Knottie1446486285 said:
I realize that they are not "required" to do anything--sorry if I implied that I feel they are required to do it. We did not hammer them with messages--it was one message asking what the whole group thought and then a second one saying we were going to go ahead and start since there were no objections and that's when we got the odd replies.
My concern is that I don't want them to feel that we are excluding them by moving forward on our own. It seems that they were planning on handling it, then decided they do not want to throw it but they also don't seem happy that we are trying to throw it either. I guess I would expect two adults to simply say that they are not up for participating in the shower rather than sending weird/rude/ambiguous/non-committal replies. It is just uncomfortable but I guess I will have to get over that!
Ultimately, I think you are correct...they have had plenty of time to respond and jump in or stop us if they already had a plan and they have not done so, so we can throw it and invite them and leave it at that.
Thanks!

They know about your plans and if they want to help with anything, they'll offer. Otherwise, keep moving forward with your plans. Someone who can't even come forward to say "thanks for the offer, but right now I dont (insert reason here) to help, but can probably attend" would probably be a PITA to work with anyways.

Knottie1446486285 · November 2015

You are right. And without getting into the history of the wedding plans and meetings...these two have been particularly unpleasant all throughout so it probably IS for the best that they would rather not be involved and if they are bitter then they are bitter...I have never met them prior to this wedding thing and will never likely see them again after so I can deal with temporary exposure.

MyNameIsNot · November 2015

Knottie1446486285 said:

You are right. And without getting into the history of the wedding plans and meetings...these two have been particularly unpleasant all throughout so it probably IS for the best that they would rather not be involved and if they are bitter then they are bitter...I have never met them prior to this wedding thing and will never likely see them again after so I can deal with temporary exposure.

Wait, wedding plans and meetings? No wonder they are being unpleasant! That's way to much to ask from WP members.

I'm missing the part where you said "I want to host a shower for bride. Would anyone like to co-host with me?" You just assumed that these ladies would want to host or co-host, and jumped forward without ever waiting to see if that was the case. That's why they're being unresponsive.

For whatever reason, neither of them is blunt enough to tell you to quit making assumptions. I am. Quit making assumptions! Unless they specifically told you that they'd like to host a shower, you are out of line to assume. Move forward and plan the shower by yourself or with people that volunteered to host with you.

GlamQueenBride · November 2015

I would continue planning and invite them. If other stuff comes up, you might just CC them on the email between you and the other BMs, but nothing that has to do with planning the shower.

Jen4948 · November 2015

Just go ahead and host a shower of your own, with or without the other bridesmaids who are interested in hosting, and invite everyone. The MOHs will come or they will not, but don't expect them to participate in setup, cleanup, paying, or doing any of the other work of hosting. It seems to me that they've made it pretty clear that they're not interested in doing so.

Knottie1446486285 · November 2015

show previous quotes
"Wait, wedding plans and meetings? No wonder they are being unpleasant! That's way to much to ask from WP members."
show previous quotes

When I refer to wedding plans and meetings, I am referring to the following: the brunch for all the bridesmaids to meet (we didn't all know each other), bridesmaid dress shopping, the bachelorette party. I just didn't know what else to call those "events." I have no idea what exactly went on during the bachelorette weekend (I was not able to go) other than some of it went poorly and the primary MOH didn't like how it turned out so she bailed out and left in the middle of it. That event very well may be why they don't want to deal with the shower anymore, but I was not there so I don't know what exactly happened.

"I'm missing the part where you said 'I want to host a shower for bride. Would anyone like to co-host with me?' You just assumed that these ladies would want to host or co-host, and jumped forward without ever waiting to see if that was the case. That's why they're being unresponsive."

I did not assume anything.  They already had a location and so on chosen months ago for the shower, then the location (some acquaintance's house) was pulled and was no longer an option (this is according to the bride), then they said "it's not our job" and then they said "well the shower is the next thing" and then they never brought it up again. So, there was the understanding/assumption that they were heading it up because that is what we had been told originally and then after the bachelorette weekend they went back and forth with non-specific comments so everyone was unsure what they were actually planning or if they were not planning on anything at all. I really do think that whatever happened during the bachelorette weekend caused them to change their minds but they did not actually tell anyone that and, again, I wasn't there so I don't know what went on other than it was not good.

I DID tell them since there did not seem to be any specific plans in motion that I wanted to go ahead and plan a shower and I DID ask them what their thoughts were on that, I DID wait for them to reply for several days, they never did--I did not assume they did or did not want to do anything for it, I asked.

"For whatever reason, neither of them is blunt enough to tell you to quit making assumptions. I am. Quit making assumptions! Unless they specifically told you that they'd like to host a shower, you are out of line to assume. Move forward and plan the shower by yourself or with people that volunteered to host with you."

Again, any assumptions present were there because we had been told that they had a location and plan and then they did a 180 on it and then kind of flipped back the other way again. I do not feel I did anything "out of line" and considering that they haven't clearly communicated anything to the rest of us I did not know how best to proceed.

This is why I probably should have just typed out a huge, novel-length history of all that led up to it but I was trying to just make is brief.

At any rate, I did not expect to be berated by a stranger on here. I have never done any of this before and I was merely looking for opinions and advice from people who have been through this before (because I haven't). Even if someone thinks I did not do the right thing, that is okay, but one can in fact state that without being rude about it.

Knottie1446486285 · November 2015

AND...I don't know why that whole reply is there as a quote. Drat.

Knottie1446486285 · November 2015

I just realized that in my original post I did not specify that the MOH's WERE originally planning to head this up, then changed their minds after the bachelorette weekend (or so it seemed). I can see why you felt I was jumping ahead and "assuming" they wanted to host or co-host. I/we did not assume, we were just going by what we had been told. And then they seemed to change their minds and go back and forth and then did not confirm either way which left everyone else confused and not sure what was going on. I just didn't explain that part of it very well. =(

deannebiv · November 2015

Knottie1446486285 - let the shade move on past you- there are just silly immature people who are rude - don't let it become high school back yard brawl. just don't respond. no need to continue to have to explain yourself- i know there is a whole back story to everyone's post that you can't put all into a simple blog- i'm getting married in 3 weeks and freaking out that everything will get done in time- you have bigger things to worry about than a few people's opinions that are just that- opinions that don't matter- good luck to you and i hope you have a wonderful day!

Knottie1446486285 · November 2015

Thanks--I appreciate the kind words.

Best wishes on your wedding...I hope it all goes as planned!

levioosa · November 2015

deannebiv said:

Knottie1446486285 - let the shade move on past you- there are just silly immature people who are rude - don't let it become high school back yard brawl. just don't respond. no need to continue to have to explain yourself- i know there is a whole back story to everyone's post that you can't put all into a simple blog- i'm getting married in 3 weeks and freaking out that everything will get done in time- you have bigger things to worry about than a few people's opinions that are just that- opinions that don't matter- good luck to you and i hope you have a wonderful day!

Omfg, just stop the fucking martyr act.

AddieCake · November 2015

deannebiv said:

Knottie1446486285 - let the shade move on past you- there are just silly immature people who are rude - don't let it become high school back yard brawl. just don't respond. no need to continue to have to explain yourself- i know there is a whole back story to everyone's post that you can't put all into a simple blog- i'm getting married in 3 weeks and freaking out that everything will get done in time- you have bigger things to worry about than a few people's opinions that are just that- opinions that don't matter- good luck to you and i hope you have a wonderful day!

Who was being rude or immature? This makes zero sense.

Bridal Shower - difficult/unresponsive Maids of Honor

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