Explanation of invitation etiquette please?

Re: Explanation of invitation etiquette please?

• MobKaz member

  

  November 2015

  Knottie1443488322 said:

  Could someone please explain why it is a breach of etiquette to explicitly describe level of hosting or event formality on wedding invitations? (I ask this sincerely - not trying to suggest I know better). To me, it seems considerate to give guests more information about what to expect rather than hint at it obliquely, so I would like to understand why etiquette dictates otherwise. Thanks!

  As @scribe95 asked, a specific example of what you mean would be helpful.
  
  Level of hosting......whether a meal is being served?  Cash bar?  Tiered reception? 
  
  Event formality.......black tie?
  
  An invitation provides the basic information of who, what, where, why, and when.  If that is done properly and appropriately, one should not require a decoder ring to decipher it.  A proper invitation should offer proper hospitality.  If the event is held during a meal time, a meal time should be served.  The invitation also indicates the level of formality based on appearance and the information provided.  If the event is being held in a church, I can ascertain my attire without any additional information.  The only specific that should be included on an invitation is if the wedding will be a TRUE Black Tie affair.
  
  If offering to give guests information about "what to expect" implies you (the general 'you") are attempting to tell them how to dress, or that they need to eat before they arrive because food won't be provided, then that is a signal to the HOST that they are making errors in their hospitality.
  
  Information such as a ceremony may be on the beach, for example, can be placed on a wedding website. 
  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  November 2015 edited November 2015

  Knottie1443488322 said:

  Could someone please explain why it is a breach of etiquette to explicitly describe level of hosting or event formality on wedding invitations? (I ask this sincerely - not trying to suggest I know better). To me, it seems considerate to give guests more information about what to expect rather than hint at it obliquely, so I would like to understand why etiquette dictates otherwise.
  
  Thanks!

  Well, it's not so much that it's rude in and of itself to put "dinner and dancing" or whatever on an invitation as that it does open the door to guests deciding "I'll be so bored/angry/upset if there are/aren't cocktails/ wine/beer/dancing/full meals/appetizers/vegan meals/free-range meat/this/that/the other thing so I won't attend/will offer to pay for them
  /if they're not provided by the hosts."
  
  Guests need to graciously accept whatever hospitality the hosts offer without being critical or making demands on the hosts. If they need more than the hosts are providing, then it's up to the guests to obtain it not only on their own dime but also their own time. Offering to bring or pay for something the hosts aren't providing is sending a message that the hospitality is inadequate and that's never polite.

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• CMGragain member

  

  November 2015

  The purpose of the formal invitation is to furnish the guests with the information of who, what, when and where - not how much.  The guests accept the invitation to the wedding ceremony, with the reception to follow it.  The primary invitation is to the ceremony.
  To someone like myself who had a simple church ceremony with a cake and punch reception, "Dinner and dancing" sounds a lot like bragging.  The guests should assume that an early evening ceremony means a dinner will follow.  Would you dress differently for dancing?  No, I don't think so.  It is just unnecessary information.
  It also implies that if your reception isn't substantial enough, the guest might not accept.
  The invitation is for basic information.  Details can be learned from your website, or by word of mouth, if necessary, but why would it be necessasry?
  

  

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• Knottie1443488322 member

  

  November 2015

  Thank you all for responding. I'm sorry I wasn't more specific... I was really just wondering about the general origin of that etiquette issue (i.e. One doesn't do _____ because it implies _____). I think your responses clarify it for me, though. Additional details are extraneous because guests should assume that they will be hosted appropriately for the time of day and venue. In my own case, the issue is that we plan to have a very informal/casual ceremony and reception, quite likely in a park. I would like to reassure guests that they really don't need to 'dress up' at all if they don't enjoy doing so. My Fiancé and I don't care if they show up in jeans and T-shirts or tuxes and ball gowns, if that's how they're personally most comfortable... We just want their company, and for them to have a great time with all of their needs attended to. My concern is that park weddings CAN vary in formality, from somewhat dressy to extremely casual. I wouldn't want guests to assume the former and feel OBLIGATED to wear ties, sports jackets, fancier sundresses, etc. if that's not really their cup of tea. I would be fine with putting the clarification on the wedding website instead of the invitation (e.g. Mentioning that it will be very informal, and possibly adding something like, "Recommended attire? Whatever makes YOU feel comfortable and ready to celebrate, whether that's bluejeans or bedecked with jewels!"). However, I've seen other posts where even mentioning formality, attire, or type of meal on a website was discouraged. So, I was just curious as to why. Thanks again for your insight!

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• MobKaz member

  

  November 2015

  Knottie1443488322 said:

  Thank you all for responding. I'm sorry I wasn't more specific... I was really just wondering about the general origin of that etiquette issue (i.e. One doesn't do _____ because it implies _____). I think your responses clarify it for me, though. Additional details are extraneous because guests should assume that they will be hosted appropriately for the time of day and venue. In my own case, the issue is that we plan to have a very informal/casual ceremony and reception, quite likely in a park. I would like to reassure guests that they really don't need to 'dress up' at all if they don't enjoy doing so. My Fiancé and I don't care if they show up in jeans and T-shirts or tuxes and ball gowns, if that's how they're personally most comfortable... We just want their company, and for them to have a great time with all of their needs attended to. My concern is that park weddings CAN vary in formality, from somewhat dressy to extremely casual. I wouldn't want guests to assume the former and feel OBLIGATED to wear ties, sports jackets, fancier sundresses, etc. if that's not really their cup of tea. I would be fine with putting the clarification on the wedding website instead of the invitation (e.g. Mentioning that it will be very informal, and possibly adding something like, "Recommended attire? Whatever makes YOU feel comfortable and ready to celebrate, whether that's bluejeans or bedecked with jewels!"). However, I've seen other posts where even mentioning formality, attire, or type of meal on a website was discouraged. So, I was just curious as to why. Thanks again for your insight!

  The first suggestion would be to make sure you select invitations that speak to the casualness of the wedding.  Unless many of your guests are from OOT, once the location of the ceremony and reception is read, local guests will realize that you may be having a less formal wedding.  Seeing that the wedding will take place at a park would automatically help me decide, for example, not to wear a higher heel.
  
  Guests also will ask among themselves, so word of mouth is a great way to pass along information.  The parents of you and your FI, as well as your wedding party, can help in that regard.  FI's parents might say, "the men in the wedding party are wearing khaki's and shirt sleeves" for example.  Be aware, however, that many guests, regardless of formality, will still dress up to a certain extent.  Neither my husband nor I would ever consider wearing jeans to a wedding, regardless of informality.  Khaki's would be as casual as he would consider. 
  
  I would like to ask, however, whether you have considered a "Plan B" in the event weather does not cooperate on your wedding day.  Temperatures both too hot and too cold will make or break your event.
  

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• CMGragain member

  

  November 2015 edited November 2015

  Informal wedding invitation:
  
  
  
  Formal wedding invitation:
  
  
  
  Somewhere in between
   
  
  
  
  
  
  

  

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• Knottie1443488322 member

  

  November 2015

  The first suggestion would be to make sure you select invitations that speak to the casualness of the wedding.  Unless many of your guests are from OOT, once the location of the ceremony and reception is read, local guests will realize that you may be having a less formal wedding.  Seeing that the wedding will take place at a park would automatically help me decide, for example, not to wear a higher heel.
  
  Guests also will ask among themselves, so word of mouth is a great way to pass along information.  The parents of you and your FI, as well as your wedding party, can help in that regard.  FI's parents might say, "the men in the wedding party are wearing khaki's and shirt sleeves" for example.  Be aware, however, that many guests, regardless of formality, will still dress up to a certain extent.  Neither my husband nor I would ever consider wearing jeans to a wedding, regardless of informality.  Khaki's would be as casual as he would consider. 
  
  I would like to ask, however, whether you have considered a "Plan B" in the event weather does not cooperate on your wedding day.  Temperatures both too hot and too cold will make or break your event.
  
  Oh, I know invitation design can go a long way toward communicating the formality of the event. Word-of-mouth would also be a good strategy, as you suggest, particularly since the guest list will be relatively small. I was hoping to avoid direct conversations about that with some of the more traditionalist members of my family, for fear it would open the door to them arguing that the event should be formal (a descriptor on the invitation or website would make it clear that aspect of the wedding was finalized). However, I will likely take your suggestion and handle it via conversation anyway. I'm confident that I can stand my ground firmly but politely.

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• princessleia22 member

  

  November 2015 edited November 2015

  Knottie1443488322 said:

  The first suggestion would be to make sure you select invitations that speak to the casualness of the wedding.  Unless many of your guests are from OOT, once the location of the ceremony and reception is read, local guests will realize that you may be having a less formal wedding.  Seeing that the wedding will take place at a park would automatically help me decide, for example, not to wear a higher heel.
  
  Guests also will ask among themselves, so word of mouth is a great way to pass along information.  The parents of you and your FI, as well as your wedding party, can help in that regard.  FI's parents might say, "the men in the wedding party are wearing khaki's and shirt sleeves" for example.  Be aware, however, that many guests, regardless of formality, will still dress up to a certain extent.  Neither my husband nor I would ever consider wearing jeans to a wedding, regardless of informality.  Khaki's would be as casual as he would consider. 
  
  I would like to ask, however, whether you have considered a "Plan B" in the event weather does not cooperate on your wedding day.  Temperatures both too hot and too cold will make or break your event.
  
  Oh, I know invitation design can go a long way toward communicating the formality of the event. Word-of-mouth would also be a good strategy, as you suggest, particularly since the guest list will be relatively small. I was hoping to avoid direct conversations about that with some of the more traditionalist members of my family, for fear it would open the door to them arguing that the event should be formal (a descriptor on the invitation or website would make it clear that aspect of the wedding was finalized). However, I will likely take your suggestion and handle it via conversation anyway. I'm confident that I can stand my ground firmly but politely.
  
  [Reply:]
  If your family is anything like mine, for those die hard traditionalists, even putting it in writing doesn't mean that they won't complain about it or negatively comment on it.  They will likely make their remarks either way. And I think, for many, seeing it in writing, as opposed to an offhand comment in conversation, that the event is less formal, could possibly elicit an even stronger reaction from them.
  
  My wedding was also less formal.  Our invites were informal.  When people asked about attire (which many did), we told them DH was wearing a suit, not tuxedo, we aren't planning highly formal affair, so anything they feel comfortable in is fine.  Some came in khakis, some came in suit & tie.  It worked out fine.  So, I think doing less formal invites, especially with location at park, will relay a lot of information.  And word of mouth or website for further clarification.  
  

   

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