Suspicious wedding gifts missing?

Re: Suspicious wedding gifts missing?

• OliveOilsMom member

  

  November 2015

  peachy13 said:

  So my wedding happened on Halloween (Lots of fun! Everyone hosted properly! Thank you Etiquette board!) and DH and I have been going through gifts. Three of our guests did not give gifts – I’m well aware that gifts are not required or expected – but the strange thing was that the lack of gifts came from my three co-workers. I invited five of my co-workers with their significant others and the other two did give gifts.
  
  Like I said, I know gifts aren’t required, but it is surprising to me that these three co-workers (one of whom is my boss) didn’t bring gifts. My boss especially is always generous to me come the holidays and even does kind things like gives me a card on my birthday. It’s not that I even want to snark on the lack of a gift… I’m actually worried that their three gifts may have gone missing/stolen as a group? I’m sort of tempted to talk to one of the two co-workers who did bring a gift (both of whom I’m close to) and discreetly ask if they remember seeing the others with a gift. Or is that a super bad and rude idea?

  This is sticky because you see these people everyday and you would need to send thank you cards out.
  
  Do you think that there are possibly any other gifts missing? Or only from these co-workers?

  

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• simcal18 member

  

  November 2015

  peachy13 said:

  So my wedding happened on Halloween (Lots of fun! Everyone hosted properly! Thank you Etiquette board!) and DH and I have been going through gifts. Three of our guests did not give gifts – I’m well aware that gifts are not required or expected – but the strange thing was that the lack of gifts came from my three co-workers. I invited five of my co-workers with their significant others and the other two did give gifts.
  
  Like I said, I know gifts aren’t required, but it is surprising to me that these three co-workers (one of whom is my boss) didn’t bring gifts. My boss especially is always generous to me come the holidays and even does kind things like gives me a card on my birthday. It’s not that I even want to snark on the lack of a gift… I’m actually worried that their three gifts may have gone missing/stolen as a group? I’m sort of tempted to talk to one of the two co-workers who did bring a gift (both of whom I’m close to) and discreetly ask if they remember seeing the others with a gift. Or is that a super bad and rude idea?

  Super bad idea. As you said, gifts are not required. You have no real reason to believe that these coworkers gave a gift and it was stolen and/or misplaced. So drop it and move on, and stop tallying up who gave you a gift and who didn't (except for purposes of getting thank-yous out).
  
  In any event, if it's three co-workers who know each other and they all haven't given you a gift yet my guess is that they're going in on a group gift together and it just hasn't been completed yet for whatever reason. Technically you have until a year after the wedding to send a wedding gift. Yes, most people give gifts before, but that's not always the case. We got married in July and in the past 2 weeks have had 2 separate wedding guests ask for our address and tell us a gift is on the way.
  
  But again--stop worrying about it and certainly don't ask around about it. If they give you a gift that's great. If not that's fine too. But it's not some mystery you need to investigate.

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• holyguacamole79 member

  

  November 2015

  Definitely don't ask. Also, I've often had an "oh fudge, I forgot the gift" moment and send it later.

  
  
  
  
  

  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  November 2015

  I wouldn't say anything. The rule is that you have up to one year after someone gets married to give them a gift, so it's possible that they plan to give you gifts and just haven't done so yet.
  
  Saying anything could be very awkward and come off as grabby-and given that these people are your boss and co-workers, it would be even more awkward and could adversely affect your professional future. Let it go.

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• julieanne912 member

  

  November 2015 edited November 2015

  Agreed w/ not saying anything. Maybe they ordered a gift online and it'll show up at your house? A lot of our guests did that. Or, they're going to give it to you at work when you return? I definitely would not say a word.
  
  ETA: You could check your registries to see if some gifts have been purchased but you haven't received them yet. I had that happen with someone who ordered a gift the day before the wedding (she didn't attend). We didn't receive it for a month so I called Crate and Barrel, told them I could see it was ordered, but I hadn't received it. Apparently it was never shipped due to a "warehouse error", so I got it about a week after I called.

  Married 9.12.15

  
  

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• STARMOON44 member

  

  November 2015

  Say nothing. Super rude and a bad idea.

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• kvruns member

  

  November 2015

  don't ask. My boss and coworker gave me a joint gift like 4-6 weeks after our wedding.
  
  Similarly, I have a couple of friends who I was really surprised didn't give anything and part of me is afraid the cards got lost but then part of me thinks they just decided not to give anything. I wrestle with the thought that something was lost and they think I'm a jerk for not sending a thank you but I haven't wanted to ask, especially months later now.

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• ohmrs2014 mod

  

  November 2015

  Don't ask. I had a co-worker give us our wedding gift towards the end of the school year before we let out for the summer. As you said, gifts aren't required.
  
  In terms of a Thank You, I'm in the minority as thank you cards are usually given for receiving a gift, but I would still send one thanking them for joining you on your special day, especially since you all work together.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  

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• frenchiekin member

  

  November 2015

  kvruns said:

  don't ask. My boss and coworker gave me a joint gift like 4-6 weeks after our wedding.
  
  Similarly, I have a couple of friends who I was really surprised didn't give anything and part of me is afraid the cards got lost but then part of me thinks they just decided not to give anything. I wrestle with the thought that something was lost and they think I'm a jerk for not sending a thank you but I haven't wanted to ask, especially months later now.

  This. My aunt and uncle who are huge gift givers didn't give anything at the wedding, and I was concerned their card was lost or stolen as I couldn't imagine them not giving anything. They sent their card a month after the wedding.
  
  We had a handful of friends with the same situation - and it's definitely more about me not wanting to appear like an asshole for not sending a thank you in the case that their card/gift was actually lost or stolen - but I would never bring it up.
  
  OP, I'd say just wait it out/let it go.

  
  

  
  

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• banana468 member

  

  November 2015

  I wouldn't say anything either. If this was a situation of all cards going missing I'd speak up but in this case, I'd let it go.

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• climbingsingle member

  

  November 2015

  Do not say anything. Doing so would make you look like a total jackass.

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• peachy13 member

  

  November 2015

  Thanks all. New question, do I send them thank you cards?

  
  
  
  

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• climbingsingle member

  

  November 2015

  peachy13 said:

  Thanks all. New question, do I send them thank you cards?

  you only send thank you cards to people that gave you gifts.

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  November 2015

  I often forget cards (with checks) in my purse or the car. I'll see it a couple weeks later, then have to track down an address to mail it along. Once, it was in the purse on the shelf until the next event where I needed that purse. Sometimes I don't give gifts because I'm having financial difficulties. I need to spend my expendable income on things that aren't wedding gifts. Once I decided to make a gift and it took significantly longer than I anticipated.

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• thisismynickname2 member

  

  November 2015

  You know what I'd probably do... the fact is these are coworkers and a boss. If THEY, of all people, think you're an asshole for not giving them a thank-you card when they gave a gift, then that's not good professionally, potentially.
  
  If there's any way to engage in casual chit chat about the wedding, I would. Like, "Yeah, it was so much fun! I'm so glad you came! Honeymoon was great too, yes, so now I'm just buckling down to get my thank-you cards out." That puts it out there that you are doing thank you cards. So then, if they don't get a card and they did give you a gift, they could later inquire like, "Hey, did you get my gift?"
  
  That's what I'd do. It's probably not a popular opinion but I'd do it.

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• delujm0 member

  

  November 2015

  I received several cards in the mail after my wedding. People forget, and gifts are not required anyway. I wouldn't ask any questions.
  
  Because they are work people though, i will ask...did they contribute to a group gift for any kind of "work shower" for you before the wedding? The coworkers (especially those that are your contemporaries and not your boss) probably figured they were covered on the basis of that gift, which I would agree with in this case.

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• STARMOON44 member

  

  November 2015

  peachy13 said:

  Thanks all. New question, do I send them thank you cards?

  Nope.

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• aurianna member

  

  November 2015 edited November 2015

  thisismynickname said:

  You know what I'd probably do... the fact is these are coworkers and a boss. If THEY, of all people, think you're an asshole for not giving them a thank-you card when they gave a gift, then that's not good professionally, potentially.
  
  If there's any way to engage in casual chit chat about the wedding, I would. Like, "Yeah, it was so much fun! I'm so glad you came! Honeymoon was great too, yes, so now I'm just buckling down to get my thank-you cards out." That puts it out there that you are doing thank you cards. So then, if they don't get a card and they did give you a gift, they could later inquire like, "Hey, did you get my gift?"
  
  That's what I'd do. It's probably not a popular opinion but I'd do it.

  I actually think that's super smooth. Still a fine line though I guess.
  
  I definitely wouldn't ask the other co-worker though.
  
  Ugh. I still remember... I went to my husband's, then FI's, cousin's wedding. We were busy leading up to the wedding and just didn't have time to send something prior. So we picked something off their registry maybe three or four days after the wedding once we were home. I guess it didn't ship right away... because a few days later I get an email from my then FMIL.
  She said the cousin hadn't received a gift and was wondering if we'd sent one because she wanted to make sure to get thank you cards out.
  
  Maybe that was exactly why she wanted to know, for thank yous. But it still pissed me off beyond belief when I found out the bride was telling other people, especially my FMIL, that we hadn't left a gift. And it seemed like she was totally fishing for gifts even if that wasn't what it was.
  It's how it will potentially come across.
  
  ...and later that day FMIL forwarded me the "never mind, the present was on our doorstep when we got home today" email the bride sent her.

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• VicTim328 member

  

  November 2015

  I would wait. Julieanne's idea about comparing the registry to what you received is also a great alternative. We purchased a gift off of a registry a few months ago, but sent it 4-6 weeks later. We knew the couple was taking a honeymoon, but weren't sure exactly when. We waited because we wanted to be sure it wasn't setting outside for days.
  
  Since it was a group of 3, I would think that there could be a possibility they are going in together. Time will tell.
  
  Some other things to consider would be, did your workplace do anything for you? If so, they may have contributed to that. Did they attend a shower? Sometimes I spend everything I was planning on giving on the shower gift.
  
  Guests are in no way obligated to give a gift, but because this is a professional situation, you should do your due diligence to make sure that nothing went unnoticed, especially if it is completely out of character for your boss. That does not mean asking another colleague to dig around. I think thisismynickname has a great idea about discussing things nonchalantly, but it is a VERY thin line. You will have to do it tactfully.

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  November 2015

  I think it's up to you if you still want to send them a thank you card for coming to your wedding and being a part of your special day. You're not required, but I don't think there is any rule that says you can't either.

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• aurianna member

  

  November 2015

  Erikan73 said:

  I think it's up to you if you still want to send them a thank you card for coming to your wedding and being a part of your special day. You're not required, but I don't think there is any rule that says you can't either.

  The problem here is that the reception itself, along with the receiving line/table visits IS the thank you for coming to the wedding.
  
  An extra note can definitely feel to some like a gift grab or worse, like you're almost pointing out they didn't send you a gift. It may not be the intention at all, but it can definitely come across that way.
  
  Your co-workers have already been thanked. An extra note might have unintended consequences.
  

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