Torn on inviting a particular guest

AW3380 · November 2015

I have been going back and forth on this issue and thought it would be best to get advice from people not close to the situation. I have a group of friends I am fairly close to. We travel together a couple times a year, plan get togethers in our area, etc. Last year many of us cut ties with one of the friends in the group due to the way she would behave and treat her friends. She is extremely narcisstic, always the victim and cannot survive without some type of drama. She would often treat myself and other friends in the group poorly but we were supposed to simply turn the cheek and overlook her behavior because of various issues and problems in her life.
We have all gotten to the point where things are cordial but they will never be as they were before. My problem is I struggle with the decision whether to invite her to the wedding or not. All the other members of my group of friends are invited and I don't want to hurt her feelings by leaving her out. But on the other hand, there have been other events where she has behaved horribly and I worry she could do the same at the wedding. Any suggestions, thoughts, guidance?

simcal18 · November 2015

I had a friend like this. Toxic drama queen, incapable of showing empathy to anybody else, any get-together always had to be on her terms, where she wanted to go, and focused around her whining about the latest "woes" in her life. My friends and I struggled for years around every social event with trying to balance not hurting her feelings with the fact that none of us really wanted to be around her any more.

Against my better instincts, I invited her to my wedding because we'd been friends for 11 years and I knew she would be extremely hurt not to receive an invitation. She RSVPed with an uninvited guest (she was single and invited solo), and then she and her uninvited guest no-showed. In the nearly 4 months since my wedding I've heard nothing from her--no explanation for no-showing, no calls, no texts, certainly no card or gift. I suspect the wedding brought up some deep insecurities she has about being single and that she just couldn't handle not being the center of attention at an event (even if only for one night).

While I'm pissed at her for no-showing, I'm more pissed at myself for inviting her and for wasting the money on two uneaten plates of food for a person that I didn't even want at my wedding in the first place. On the plus side, the whole debacle has finally allowed me to sever the friendship with her, which I should have done long ago.

Moral of this TL story, OP: I vote against an invite. Yes, her feelings may be hurt, and yes, it may end the friendship between the two of you. But sometimes people simply grow in different directions, and sometimes friendships aren't worth hanging on to. Do yourself a favor and cut the cord.

frenchiekin · November 2015

Are you prepared to lose the friendship with her if you don't invite her? A mature adult should be able to step back after not receiving an invite in this situation and reflect on why they probably weren't invited, understand that that is the hosts decision, and not make a big deal out of it... but it doesn't sound like this friend falls into that category. She could potentially cut this whole friend group out of her life and make a huge scene out of not being invited, who knows. But, that would really be on her, not on you. It's your and FIs decision regarding who to invite. If you are ok with the worst case scenario, which is probably losing her as a friend, then I would save yourself the potential wedding day drama and not invite her. I am an advocate for only having people you truly want to be there, there.

....Unless the worst case scenario is her burning down everyone's house or something, but hopefully she's not that unhinged.

banana468 · November 2015

Is the reason that you're still friends with her because you were friends with her in the past? If the friendship is one-sided, you're constantly having to be on the defense, you always feel that she's toxic and incapable of being approached, what is the benefit here??

I don't advise being mean but sometimes you realize that a friendship has run its course and it makes no sense to continue to try to pursue it. This seems to be one of those instances.

Ask yourself this: If your wedding wasn't happening, would you want to see her on that night? Would you have asked her to get together with the same group of friends for dinner? And do you want to bring to her attention that what she's doing is driving people away?

If the answer to any of those questions is no, I think you have crossed her off your list - for all things.

SP29 · November 2015

Agree with frenchiekin and banana.

By not inviting her, you do risk her ending the friendship because she is pissed. But... do you care? Will you continue to invite her to group events before and after the wedding?

Relationships change all the time. People grow apart, or in some cases, it's time to cut the cord on a one-sided exchange.

AW3380 · November 2015

The friendship between her and I has been pretty much non-existant for a while. We still communicate some (mainly thorough comments on Facebook), but it is nothing like it was before. I mainly included her up to this point to keep things from getting awkward for the rest of the group. However due to her behavior regarding how she was invited to a holiday get-together for the group recently, I have begun to rethink this decision and thus seeking advice. BostonBride, she sounds exactly like the friend you described and my instincts are to save the invite for someone I really want to be there! Thanks everyone, what you said are things I have toldmyself. Sometimes it helps to hear the same from others.

climbingsingle · November 2015

Life is too short to have shitty friends. Don't invite her. Move on.

lnixon8 · November 2015

I can see why you're having trouble with this decision and can see where PPs are coming from but...

Is this someone you see all the time? Not that you have to cater to her, but if you travel together frequently and this person knows everyone else was invited but her, it could be awkward. Depends on the type of person you are but I wouldn't want to spend a week in a group house with the one person ina group I didn't invite.

[Deleted User] · November 2015

Unless you are still maintaining a regular friendship with her, you don't need to invite her. No reason to have to worry about drama at your wedding caused by someone you don't really care for.

Torn on inviting a particular guest

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