Too many Mom's!

Re: Too many Mom's!

• holyguacamole79 member

  

  November 2015

  Knottie26494176 said:

  Hey everybody, I've been lurking for a while, but I'm newly engaged and am now facing a bit of a challenge when it comes to wedding planning...
  
  My parents divorced when I was young, and my father has now remarried a woman he's been with for the past 10+ years. She's a great  lady and she's been there for all of my angry teen years and she was a great help for me. She's a special part of my life. 
  Every conversation I have with my mom somehow she mentions that she "wants to be the mother of the bride" and I have to reassure her that yes, she is. She's always very quick to have her feelings hurt, especially when it comes to my (and my siblings) relationships with our step-mother. Part of my issue is that I really value my step-mother's opinion and we have very similiar tastes. I love my mom and appreciate her input and want her to be involved, but I also want my step-mother to be involved without making my mom feel put out. I want to be able to give my mom the "mother of the bride" moment that she wants, but I also want to be able to honour my step-mother because she has been such a large part of my life. And I know no matter what my Mom is going to get butt-hurt. She just does.
  Further complicating my situation, I have a FMIL that I have a great relationship with (FI doesn't on the other hand) but she is very opinionated and actually lives in the same area as us, while my family lives on the other side of the country. (I'm in Alberta, Canada and my family is in Ontario, Canada). My FMIL was also not involved in her daughters wedding as it was in ON, so I think she's really wanting our wedding to be her chance to be really involved in planning. 
  
  I just don't know how to handle this situation. I am a people pleaser to a fault, and I just do not want to create any issues for anybody, and I want us to be able to enjoy planning our wedding. 
  
  Helllllllllllp 

  I would sit your mom down and ask her what thing(s) are leading her to feel as though she's not the mother of the bride?  The comment is quite general and it's hard to know what to do unless you know what the issue really is.
  
  Has your FMIL said / done anything that is crossing a line?  You may be worrying that she'll want tot be overly involved and causing yourself undue stress.

  
  
  
  
  

  

  Report1 Reply
• MairePoppy mod

  

  November 2015

  For me, shopping for my daughter's wedding dress was the quintessential MOB experience. I wonder if your mom is afraid that you won't include her in that. Or she may not want to share that moment with your SM. If that's the case, maybe SM could be involved in another way. 
  
  Who is paying for the wedding? All contributors should have a say in the planning process if they wish. 
  
  

                     

  Report3 Reply
• drid member

  

  November 2015

  Honestly, my Mom is just kind of whiny, I don't know if maybe she's insecure about my relationship with SM? Even before we were engaged she had spoken with my sister saying that she hoped we wouldn't have our wedding back home in Ontario because my SM would be involved. 
  
  As for FMIL, she hasn't said anything over the line yet. Just that she was really excited to be involved because she didn't get to do it with her daughter. I'm not against her being involved, I just don't want anybody to get hurt feelings, and I just have too many Moms! Although ,FMIL & FFIL have definitely been very vocal with ME (not FI) about the fact that they don't like DW. We haven't even spoken about a DW with them, but they've been very clear on that. Our attitude is that we're paying for our wedding, so we're more or less going to decide on what we would like to do ourselves whether it be DW or not. FI unfortunately really couldn't care less if they come or not. But I know its important for them to be there. 

  

  Report1 Reply
• drid member

  

  November 2015

  I'm nowhere near ready to actually BUY a wedding dress yet, but my Mom is coming for Christmas this year so I'm going to make sure that we go and try on some dresses so she gets to be there for some dress shopping. I know that that is something that will be VERY important for her. 

  

  Report2 Reply
• Jen4948 member

  

  November 2015

  I think in your case, I would talk to each mother individually and find out what parts of your wedding plans it would mean most to them to be involved in and what their particular strengths are, and see if you can plan around that. For example, it might mean a lot to your mom to go dress shopping with you, while your stepmom might be most interested in planning the reception and your FMIL might care about flowers or can get you a good deal on invitations or something.
  
  If your mom still makes it hard for you because of your stepmom, you might tell her something like, "Mom, no matter what, I love you and just by virtue of being my mother you will always be 'Mother of the Bride.' That will never change even with Stepmom in the picture. But your competitiveness on that is making things hard for me. I really wish you could feel secure and assured about your roles in my life and my wedding without putting this pressure on me for exclusive recognition as my mother."

  Report7 Reply
• [Deleted User] member

  

  November 2015

  Jen4948 said:

  I think in your case, I would talk to each mother individually and find out what parts of your wedding plans it would mean most to them to be involved in and what their particular strengths are, and see if you can plan around that. For example, it might mean a lot to your mom to go dress shopping with you, while your stepmom might be most interested in planning the reception and your FMIL might care about flowers or can get you a good deal on invitations or something. If your mom still makes it hard for you because of your stepmom, you might tell her something like, "Mom, no matter what, I love you and just by virtue of being my mother you will always be 'Mother of the Bride.' That will never change even with Stepmom in the picture. But your competitiveness on that is making things hard for me. I really wish you could feel secure and assured about your roles in my life and my wedding without putting this pressure on me for exclusive recognition as my mother."

  I absolutely agree with asking each woman what she is most excited about being involved with.  You may have these conversations and realize you actually don't have a problem at all because they all want different things.  Then you can be a people-pleaser without worry.  Once you figure that out, come back here and we'll give you advice about how to let them all have input into the flowers without pulling your hair out.

  Report0 Reply
• justsie member

  

  November 2015

  If I were you OP I wouldn't involve any of the moms in any of the planning. Going to buy dresses is one thing, but the ins and outs of a wedding that I am paying for, I'd keep it to myself. You said so yourself you are a people pleaser, and are already concerned with what your mom, SM and FMIL will say about your plans before they even know them, I can see the potential for someone to get hurt about something and then you feel bad over something you shouldn't. 

  

  Report2 Reply
• [Deleted User] member

  

  November 2015

  justsie said:

  If I were you OP I wouldn't involve any of the moms in any of the planning. Going to buy dresses is one thing, but the ins and outs of a wedding that I am paying for, I'd keep it to myself. You said so yourself you are a people pleaser, and are already concerned with what your mom, SM and FMIL will say about your plans before they even know them, I can see the potential for someone to get hurt about something and then you feel bad over something you shouldn't. 

  That's actually a good point too.  I'm conflicted now.
  
  I actually don't plan on involving my mother in any of the wedding planning.  We have different taste, and she doesn't understand how to throw a party properly.  I'll probably give her a table to host at the reception, "hey, mom, who would you like to sit with?  You get a table of 8, go."  And be sure to take special mother/daughter photos with all three of your moms.  

  Report0 Reply
• Jen4948 member

  

  November 2015

  adk19 said:

  justsie said:

  If I were you OP I wouldn't involve any of the moms in any of the planning. Going to buy dresses is one thing, but the ins and outs of a wedding that I am paying for, I'd keep it to myself. You said so yourself you are a people pleaser, and are already concerned with what your mom, SM and FMIL will say about your plans before they even know them, I can see the potential for someone to get hurt about something and then you feel bad over something you shouldn't. 

  That's actually a good point too.  I'm conflicted now.
  
  I actually don't plan on involving my mother in any of the wedding planning.  We have different taste, and she doesn't understand how to throw a party properly.  I'll probably give her a table to host at the reception, "hey, mom, who would you like to sit with?  You get a table of 8, go."  And be sure to take special mother/daughter photos with all three of your moms.  

  
  I agree that this is possible too.  But not involving any of the mothers at all and keeping complete silence could also lead to hurt feelings, so I'm not sure that this is the best strategy with these mothers.  I'd look for ways to compromise and include them, and only as a last resort would I decide on total silence by way of dealing with them.

  Report0 Reply
• ILoveBeachMusic member

  

  November 2015

  Jen4948 said:

  adk19 said:

  justsie said:

  If I were you OP I wouldn't involve any of the moms in any of the planning. Going to buy dresses is one thing, but the ins and outs of a wedding that I am paying for, I'd keep it to myself. You said so yourself you are a people pleaser, and are already concerned with what your mom, SM and FMIL will say about your plans before they even know them, I can see the potential for someone to get hurt about something and then you feel bad over something you shouldn't. 

  That's actually a good point too.  I'm conflicted now.
  
  I actually don't plan on involving my mother in any of the wedding planning.  We have different taste, and she doesn't understand how to throw a party properly.  I'll probably give her a table to host at the reception, "hey, mom, who would you like to sit with?  You get a table of 8, go."  And be sure to take special mother/daughter photos with all three of your moms.  

  
  I agree that this is possible too.  But not involving any of the mothers at all and keeping complete silence could also lead to hurt feelings, so I'm not sure that this is the best strategy with these mothers.  I'd look for ways to compromise and include them, and only as a last resort would I decide on total silence by way of dealing with them.

  I agree with @Jen4948. OP has a good relationship with all the Moms. Not involving them at all could definitely hurt those relationships. Communication is key. I like the idea of asking about expectations. If my daughter and I had communicated better during her wedding planning processes less hurt feelings would have occurred on both sides.

  Report0 Reply
• drid member

  

  November 2015

  Thank you all so much for the input. I think when my Mom comes for Christmas, I'm going to have a chat with her about what is important to her and what she really wants to be involved in. And then I'll kind of go from there accordingly. I really want them all to be involved in some way, so having a chat about their expectations and such is a great idea. 

  

  Report2 Reply
• SP29 member

  

  November 2015 edited November 2015

  I also agree with Jen that I would ask your mom, and then SM and FMIL if there are any of the aspects that they want to be involved in. You still get the final say- you don't have to take any of their input, but at least you will know.
  
  And maybe each woman has an area in which she is very knowledgeable or something that she really enjoys and may be of help to you (for example, while maybe your mom wants to be there with you to try on dresses, maybe another knows a lot about flowers. Maybe one or all would like to attend your vendor appointments, maybe none of them do!). 
  
  As for "mothers" giving their opinions unasked, you can say, "Thanks for the thought, we'll think about it". Or if you really don't want to go there, you can let them know that either you aren't even thinking about that yet, or it's already been decided and paid for. 

  Report1 Reply