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Guest list questions, how to best handle this?

KnickerGoldKnickerGold member
First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
HI all, I'm new here and have been reading for the last few days. Just engaged 6 days ago, so this is all quite new!

Anyway, I know I need to get my venue locked down ASAP since we're planning on Oct '16, so have been working on a guest list.

First, I'm 11 years younger than my Fiancee, so none of my friends have kids, but a bunch of his do.  We both agree that we don't want his friends kids at out wedding because one group of 3 siblings are just menaces (have thrown sawdust in my face, tried to nail Fiancee's hand with a nail gun, super glue in my drink...) and another has 5 kids under 4, and that's a lot of crying...
Fiancee and I have talked about this (pre-engagement and post) that we want an Adult-only wedding. But my parents who are very generously paying for it, want my cousins' kids to come. They're all 8+ and sweet kids. I don't mind, Finacee doesn't mind, but pointed out he still didn't want his friends' kids there. We're getting married in NYC (where I grew up) but all of Fiancee's friends are in Texas where we live now, so odds that they would bring kids anyway are slim, but I know you can't plan on anyone *not* coming.

So is it ok to invite adults only and kids who are family? 


Second. I ride horses and have boarded my horses at one barn for 7 years ( a long time in the horsey world!). The barn owner (BO) was nice to me for the first 6 or so years, but has been pretty horrible to me this past year. The barn manager (BM) who's been there only 2 years  is just wonderful. He is a mentor to me and is just a great guy, a true 'cowboy'. Now, if I invite BM (whom has never been to NYC) and he could come he'd need to ask BO for time off. I would feel bad not inviting BM, but then I would need to invite BO. 

So do I invite both? Neither?

I'm trying to ruffle as few feathers as possible! Thanks :)

(Also, if anyone know how I can change my screen name, that'd be sweet!)
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Re: Guest list questions, how to best handle this?

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Knottie54289357 said:
    HI all, I'm new here and have been reading for the last few days. Just engaged 6 days ago, so this is all quite new!

    Anyway, I know I need to get my venue locked down ASAP since we're planning on Oct '16, so have been working on a guest list.

    First, I'm 11 years younger than my Fiancee, so none of my friends have kids, but a bunch of his do.  We both agree that we don't want his friends kids at out wedding because one group of 3 siblings are just menaces (have thrown sawdust in my face, tried to nail Fiancee's hand with a nail gun, super glue in my drink...) and another has 5 kids under 4, and that's a lot of crying...
    Fiancee and I have talked about this (pre-engagement and post) that we want an Adult-only wedding. But my parents who are very generously paying for it, want my cousins' kids to come. They're all 8+ and sweet kids. I don't mind, Finacee doesn't mind, but pointed out he still didn't want his friends' kids there. We're getting married in NYC (where I grew up) but all of Fiancee's friends are in Texas where we live now, so odds that they would bring kids anyway are slim, but I know you can't plan on anyone *not* coming.

    So is it ok to invite adults only and kids who are family? Yes.  Typically we advise to invite in circles.  And inviting children who are family is a pretty clear cut off mark.


    Second. I ride horses and have boarded my horses at one barn for 7 years ( a long time in the horsey world!). The barn owner (BO) was nice to me for the first 6 or so years, but has been pretty horrible to me this past year. The barn manager (BM) who's been there only 2 years  is just wonderful. He is a mentor to me and is just a great guy, a true 'cowboy'. Now, if I invite BM (whom has never been to NYC) and he could come he'd need to ask BO for time off. I would feel bad not inviting BM, but then I would need to invite BO. 

    So do I invite both? Neither?  If you don't want to invite BO but you do want to invite BM then that is your prerogative.  And yes, BM will have to ask for time off, but that doesn't mean that he is going to tell BO what the time off is for.  And even if he does, who cares?  You are under no obligation to invite anyone to your wedding.

    I'm trying to ruffle as few feathers as possible! Thanks :)

    (Also, if anyone know how I can change my screen name, that'd be sweet!)
    See my responses in bold above.

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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited November 2015

    We generally tell people that the best way to avoid hurt feelings with invitations is to invite in "circles" clearly-defined groups of people who associate together. That might be first cousins, work colleagues, club members, and so on (but SOs must always be invited).

    You don't have to invite your FI's friends' kids.  Inviting only family children is pretty common because it's a circle.

    You also don't have to invite the barn owner at all.  If you invite the barn manager, yes, he will need to ask for time off, but he doesn't have to explain to the barn owner that it's to attend your wedding.

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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Ditto PPs.... and CONGRATS! 




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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    PrettyGirlLost said:
    Unless the barn owner is an idiot, he/she is going to connect the dots that the barn manager is asking for time off that coincides with OP's wedding.  Unless no one tells the barn owner the exact wedding date.

    I'm not suggesting to invite the barn owner, but I've owned a horse for 10 years now and in my experience horse people are absolutely fucking crazy and have the most drama I have ever seen outside of a highschool mean girls clique.

    So just tread carefully OP, and good luck!


    HAHAHAHHAHA I've been riding for over 20 years and I agree... BUT I did end up not inviting a few of the barn people to my wedding and yes it was talked about but I always came back with for budget reasons we had to stick with the people we are closest to. Some of those barn people I only talk to at the barn some I see outside the barn and spend time with them outside the barn so that was my cut off.. Like prettygirl said... there may be drama but next week there will be something else so just let that one go. Who cares invite who you want. 

    As far as the kids go.. children of family is fine. Remember to include those invited on the invite. And word the RSVP such as we have reserved 2 chairs for you please RSVP bla bla bla some other people on here word it much better but I think you'll get the idea.

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  • thefanciestbecklerthefanciestbeckler member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited November 2015
    We invited children of family, and those were the only children invited. It worked out great.

    ETA - do be prepared that some people will still try to RSVP with their children whether they are invited or not. They may even show up with them.

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  • KnickerGoldKnickerGold member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    Thanks all for the quick advice!

    Glad that family kids are ok without inviting Fiancee's friends' kids.

    Also really glad that two horse gals chimed in, because horse/barn drama is a whole new level of crazy. I love my barn and the BM and used to like BO but like I said, he's been really rude recently- what's worse is he sees no problem with it and the next time I see him he acts as though nothing happened. (But has acknowledged-once- via FB message- that he was out of line-- of course he still does it...)

    I don't forsee myself inviting anyone else 'from the barn'. My best friend whom I knew well before she moved her horse to this barn, is of course a bridesmaid, but all other boarders are 20-30+ years older than me and we aren't very close (I keep my retired jumper and green TB at a mostly trail/pleasure riding stable for the awesome fields&care at a steal of a price) because I don't ride with them. 

    And ya, BO would put BM asking for time off the same weekend I'm getting married together pretty quickly. 

    I did just find out last night that there's a minimum of 200 at my reception venue, and our guest list was only at 130. I wanted to change venues but Mom&Dad got married there and decided (before I knew about the minimum) that they'd pay for all 200 even if we didn't invite that many. SO... I could invite them all and just hope/pray BO no-shows and hopefully keep the peace (and not get me kicked out of the barn-- a realistic concern!)
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  • KnickerGoldKnickerGold member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    thefanciestbeckler said:
    We invited children of family, and those were the only children invited. It worked out great.

    ETA - do be prepared that some people will still try to RSVP with their children whether they are invited or not. They may even show up with them.
    What do you all suggest doing in this situation? If they RSVP I would call and say "oh I'm sorry, we only invited you two?" Mention that family kids only? (I feel like that may not go over well...)

    But what the heck do you do if they just show up? I won't lie, I'm not a big kid person (I'm an only child and was the youngest- by about 10 years- cousin so have ZERO experience with them) so crying children during my ceremony would be crazy annoying to me... And the trio of menacing siblings (who I'm really nervous about) are just horribly behaved and NEVER reprimanded... 
    Good news is the two sets of kids I'm worried about need to fly from TX to NYC so it's not like they could pull a 'oh the babysitter *just* cancelled so we had no other option-story.

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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited November 2015
    Knottie54289357 said:
    thefanciestbeckler said:
    We invited children of family, and those were the only children invited. It worked out great.

    ETA - do be prepared that some people will still try to RSVP with their children whether they are invited or not. They may even show up with them.
    What do you all suggest doing in this situation? If they RSVP I would call and say "oh I'm sorry, we only invited you two?" Mention that family kids only? (I feel like that may not go over well...)

    But what the heck do you do if they just show up? I won't lie, I'm not a big kid person (I'm an only child and was the youngest- by about 10 years- cousin so have ZERO experience with them) so crying children during my ceremony would be crazy annoying to me... And the trio of menacing siblings (who I'm really nervous about) are just horribly behaved and NEVER reprimanded... 
    Good news is the two sets of kids I'm worried about need to fly from TX to NYC so it's not like they could pull a 'oh the babysitter *just* cancelled so we had no other option-story.


    If they just show up, you have two options:

    1) You seat them with the other guests and provide meals and all the other amenities you are providing to your invited guests, or

    2) Your venue staff/event coordinator tells them, "I'm sorry, but we aren't able to accommodate uninvited guests.  That includes your kids.  I'm afraid we can't allow you to stay."  And if they make a fuss, the venue staff and/or security escorts them out.

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  • thefanciestbecklerthefanciestbeckler member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Knottie54289357 said:
    thefanciestbeckler said:
    We invited children of family, and those were the only children invited. It worked out great.

    ETA - do be prepared that some people will still try to RSVP with their children whether they are invited or not. They may even show up with them.
    What do you all suggest doing in this situation? If they RSVP I would call and say "oh I'm sorry, we only invited you two?" Mention that family kids only? (I feel like that may not go over well...)

    But what the heck do you do if they just show up? I won't lie, I'm not a big kid person (I'm an only child and was the youngest- by about 10 years- cousin so have ZERO experience with them) so crying children during my ceremony would be crazy annoying to me... And the trio of menacing siblings (who I'm really nervous about) are just horribly behaved and NEVER reprimanded... 
    Good news is the two sets of kids I'm worried about need to fly from TX to NYC so it's not like they could pull a 'oh the babysitter *just* cancelled so we had no other option-story.

    You can always say something like, "I am so sorry Mrs. Jones. The invitation is addressed to you and your husband. Unfortunately, we aren't able to accommodate Little Johnny".

    We had a couple of guests bring kids who weren't invited. We fed them and treated them like any other guest and it wasn't a problem at all.

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  • KnickerGoldKnickerGold member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    It's mean but if we tell you 'your kids aren't invited' (nicely of course) and you still fly them to NY and bring them to the wedding, I'd have to go with option 2. I'm not big on rewarding bad behavior...
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  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
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    PrettyGirlLost said:
    Unless the barn owner is an idiot, he/she is going to connect the dots that the barn manager is asking for time off that coincides with OP's wedding.  Unless no one tells the barn owner the exact wedding date.

    I'm not suggesting to invite the barn owner, but I've owned a horse for 10 years now and in my experience horse people are absolutely fucking crazy and have the most drama I have ever seen outside of a highschool mean girls clique.

    So just tread carefully OP, and good luck!
    ROFLMFAO!!!!!  This is BEYOND true!!!!  Bonus points if they're on the show or racing circuit!!!
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  • auriannaaurianna member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Your invites don't need to go out for another 9 months or so. And it sounds like your guest list has plenty of room.
    I'd just do a wait-and-see for as long as you can with the barn people. Maybe the owner has just been having a bad time lately and will go back to being nice and someone you wouldn't hate at your wedding.
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  • 100yroldblinddog100yroldblinddog member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    MobKaz said:
    If your numbers do not reach close to 200, there may be another option.  The venue is typically looking for a dollar amount, not a person count.  You may be able to negotiate with your venue, and use that "per person" dollar amount to make some upgrades to your appetizers, meal, bar, or even a snack or dessert bar.

    My daughter had some unexpected declines for her wedding.  The number was not huge, but at @$100 per person, the costs added up quickly.  The venue agreed to put that money toward a late night dessert bar.  It was a win-win for everyone.


    This is great advice. I winced a little when I read that your parents were willing to pay for potentially 70 unused plates, especially since you were willing to make the best of their money by inviting someone you didn't truly want at your wedding. Late night snacks at weddings are amazing and would be a great way to reach the venue's minimum dollar amount.
    image
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  • KnickerGoldKnickerGold member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    MobKaz said:


    Knottie54289357 said:

    Thanks all for the quick advice!

    Glad that family kids are ok without inviting Fiancee's friends' kids.

    Also really glad that two horse gals chimed in, because horse/barn drama is a whole new level of crazy. I love my barn and the BM and used to like BO but like I said, he's been really rude recently- what's worse is he sees no problem with it and the next time I see him he acts as though nothing happened. (But has acknowledged-once- via FB message- that he was out of line-- of course he still does it...)

    I don't forsee myself inviting anyone else 'from the barn'. My best friend whom I knew well before she moved her horse to this barn, is of course a bridesmaid, but all other boarders are 20-30+ years older than me and we aren't very close (I keep my retired jumper and green TB at a mostly trail/pleasure riding stable for the awesome fields&care at a steal of a price) because I don't ride with them. 

    And ya, BO would put BM asking for time off the same weekend I'm getting married together pretty quickly. 

    I did just find out last night that there's a minimum of 200 at my reception venue, and our guest list was only at 130. I wanted to change venues but Mom&Dad got married there and decided (before I knew about the minimum) that they'd pay for all 200 even if we didn't invite that many. SO... I could invite them all and just hope/pray BO no-shows and hopefully keep the peace (and not get me kicked out of the barn-- a realistic concern!)

    If your numbers do not reach close to 200, there may be another option.  The venue is typically looking for a dollar amount, not a person count.  You may be able to negotiate with your venue, and use that "per person" dollar amount to make some upgrades to your appetizers, meal, bar, or even a snack or dessert bar.

    My daughter had some unexpected declines for her wedding.  The number was not huge, but at @$100 per person, the costs added up quickly.  The venue agreed to put that money toward a late night dessert bar.  It was a win-win for everyone.




    Wow, I'd never have thought of that- what a great idea! Thank you!!!
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  • SP29SP29 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I am also a horse person, and I am also of the belief that you invite people to your wedding who you truly want there, because you have a relationship with them and would like to share your wedding with, not because you happen to say "Hi" to them every so often. 

    At my wedding I only invited two barn friends (they are a couple). Granted, the current barn I was at was a new move for us so I was not super close to people there yet, but I had a lot of "old" barn friends around. My stance was still to invite people because I was friends with them, not just because we said Hi to each other or had small conversations because we were physically in the same location a few times per week.

    Yes, horse people are BSC, so I try to keep the barn away from my personal life unless we are truly friends. Thus, I'd invite the BM if you want him there, but not the BO. The BO might find out, but you've done nothing wrong and those are his issues to deal with if he feels slighted. At the same time, I would not talk about your wedding when you are at the barn, otherwise you are inviting them into your personal life.

    Ditto PPs on the other issues. You are not required to invite children, and as long as you don't split up a family, you may invite some children but not others. Circles is the best way to smooth things, and family is a good circle. You don't need to explain your choices to anyone. 

    You would address your invitations to only who is invited. If anyone RSVPs with extra, you call them up and say, "Sorry Sally, the invite is only for you and John. We hope you can still attend!". 

    If people show up uninvited- that is for you to decide whether you will choose to accommodate them, or say, "Sorry! No soup for you!". ;)
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  • KnickerGoldKnickerGold member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    Thanks SP29. 

    I'll give it some time to decide on whether or not I'd like to invite BM/BO to the wedding. There's one woman who has been nice to me for the 7 years I've been there, but we're not 'close'. Just friendly.
    No issues not inviting all other boarders/riders as they are NOT nice! ;) 


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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    MesmrEwe said:
    PrettyGirlLost said:
    Unless the barn owner is an idiot, he/she is going to connect the dots that the barn manager is asking for time off that coincides with OP's wedding.  Unless no one tells the barn owner the exact wedding date.

    I'm not suggesting to invite the barn owner, but I've owned a horse for 10 years now and in my experience horse people are absolutely fucking crazy and have the most drama I have ever seen outside of a highschool mean girls clique.

    So just tread carefully OP, and good luck!
    ROFLMFAO!!!!!  This is BEYOND true!!!!  Bonus points if they're on the show or racing circuit!!!
    Oh God, yaaas!

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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