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My Family wants something different ..

Knottie02556609Knottie02556609 member
First Comment First Anniversary
edited November 2015 in Wedding Customs & Traditions Forum
HELLO!!!!!!!! I'm getting married on January 8th 2017. Not much of the planning is done yet obviously. So far we have booked our venue which is super nice ( Catta Verdera Country Club ) and our photographer since those were the most important for me. EVERYTHING else we still need to do. Basically I am Mexican & my fiance is white. I have always wanted a very nice and pretty wedding. My family wants a huge wedding with Mexican food and music, and that is not what I want. I want a pretty wedding where no one has to worry about cooking, cleaning, setting up, etc. However, whenever I've told my family that they seem upset, like that is not good enough. I feel like they want to invite a bunch of people ( another problem I am having) I do not know. Any advice? I want them to have fun and enjoy my wedding but I am not inviting a lot of people in order to stay within my budget, which I am paying for like 80% of the wedding my fiance the other 10% and my family is helping with the other 10%. So, if they are helping they are going to feel entitled to inviting whoever they want. HELP! I want my wedding to be the way I want it, but still have my family like it and enjoy it


ADDITION: So I forgot to mention this I am not against having some Mexican music at the wedding that is fine but I do not want to have a Banda/Mariachi there I want a DJ so they can play music that my FI and I enjoy as well as some for my family i guess. The food is out of the question because my venue caters everything, and they give us the options there so there is not really any way we would have Mexican food. I just need advice on how to make me family be okay with what I am having, and also not invite people that I do not even know  to the wedding. My venue is strict about $90 per guest and they need a final head count prior to the wedding, which is something my family is not familiar with at ALL... I'm going to have problems having the RSPV  I already know.... :(
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Re: My Family wants something different ..

  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Don't accept any money from your family. Money always comes with strings. If you and your FI are paying for the wedding 100% yourselves, you then can plan exactly the type of event you want with no input from them. Don't discuss any wedding plans with your family. If they bring it up, change the subject. 
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    Knottie02556609 said:
    HELLO!!!!!!!! I'm getting married on January 8th 2017. Not much of the planning is done yet obviously. So far we have booked our venue which is super nice ( Catta Verdera Country Club ) and our photographer since those were the most important for me. EVERYTHING else we still need to do. Basically I am Mexican & my fiance is white. I have always wanted a very nice and pretty wedding. My family wants a huge wedding with Mexican food and music, and that is not what I want. I want a pretty wedding where no one has to worry about cooking, cleaning, setting up, etc. However, whenever I've told my family that they seem upset, like that is not good enough. I feel like they want to invite a bunch of people ( another problem I am having) I do not know. Any advice? I want them to have fun and enjoy my wedding but I am not inviting a lot of people in order to stay within my budget, which I am paying for like 80% of the wedding my fiance the other 10% and my family is helping with the other 10%. So, if they are helping they are going to feel entitled to inviting whoever they want. HELP! I want my wedding to be the way I want it, but still have my family like it and enjoy it

    Well, your family gets a say in any money you accept from them, so if you're not okay with the earmarks, you'll need to return any funds you receive from them. 

    If you're willing to compromise at all (provided it does not involve making your guests do any work at your wedding), then you might consider allowing them to invite a set number of guests, providing Mexican dishes on your menu, or otherwise observing some family or Mexican traditions that would make them happy.  But if you don't want any of what your family wants, I would stop talking to them about your plans and fund the entire event yourself.

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  • lnixon8lnixon8 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    What does your fiance want? Are the two of you strictly against Mexican food and music? Or is that just not high on your priority list? I completely understand not wanting guests to help set up, cook and clean, but a Mexican restaurant can cater so that everyone can get what they want (and Mexican restaurants can certainly take down the spiciness if that is something you are concerned about)

    Do not budge on your guests list- as PPS's said, even if that means declining their money. You have a venue booked and you can even blame it on venue limitations if you must.



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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Knottie02556609 said:
    HELLO!!!!!!!! I'm getting married on January 8th 2017. Not much of the planning is done yet obviously. So far we have booked our venue which is super nice ( Catta Verdera Country Club ) and our photographer since those were the most important for me. EVERYTHING else we still need to do. Basically I am Mexican & my fiance is white. I have always wanted a very nice and pretty wedding. My family wants a huge wedding with Mexican food and music, and that is not what I want. I want a pretty wedding where no one has to worry about cooking, cleaning, setting up, etc. However, whenever I've told my family that they seem upset, like that is not good enough. I feel like they want to invite a bunch of people ( another problem I am having) I do not know. Any advice? I want them to have fun and enjoy my wedding but I am not inviting a lot of people in order to stay within my budget, which I am paying for like 80% of the wedding my fiance the other 10% and my family is helping with the other 10%. So, if they are helping they are going to feel entitled to inviting whoever they want. HELP! I want my wedding to be the way I want it, but still have my family like it and enjoy it
    To the yellow ... regardless of the food or music, nobody in your family friends should be expected to cook, clean, or set up.  

    My mom's side of the family is Mexican and I also had to deal with the desire to invite more people than I knew (one of my mom's cousins wanted to bring her daughter & her daughter's estranged husband ... I had only met the cousin and had never met the daughter nor the estranged husband).  We ended up coming to a compromise.  It wasn't fun, though.




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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its

    First, decline that 10% of funds your family was going to offer.  Or ask them to specify where they want their money to be used.  If they say the cake and the DJ, that doesn't automatically mean they get to have more say in the guest list.  But if they want their contribution to go towards hosting more guests than you want, then decline their money and plan the wedding you want.

    Keep wedding talk to a minimum too, they can't talk about something they don't know much about.  If they offer suggestions, say "We haven't planned that yet, but I will keep that suggestion in mind." or "We have already taken care of the food, thanks for your suggestions though."  Then change the subject.

    If your parents end up being upset with the wedding you are planning because it is not a typical Mexican wedding, this is what you say, "Mom, I know that you want me to have the traditional Mexican wedding.  But that is not what FI and I want.  I'm sorry if you don't like it, but this is our decision and its final."

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  • Knottie02556609Knottie02556609 member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    edited November 2015
    I just want them to be happy, I am totally ok with incorporating some Mexican tradition I am not against that I just do not know how. My family is helping pay for flowers and cake only
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  • levioosalevioosa member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Knottie02556609 said:
    HELLO!!!!!!!! I'm getting married on January 8th 2017. Not much of the planning is done yet obviously. So far we have booked our venue which is super nice ( Catta Verdera Country Club ) and our photographer since those were the most important for me. EVERYTHING else we still need to do. Basically I am Mexican & my fiance is white. I have always wanted a very nice and pretty wedding. My family wants a huge wedding with Mexican food and music, and that is not what I want. I want a pretty wedding where no one has to worry about cooking, cleaning, setting up, etc. However, whenever I've told my family that they seem upset, like that is not good enough. I feel like they want to invite a bunch of people ( another problem I am having) I do not know. Any advice? I want them to have fun and enjoy my wedding but I am not inviting a lot of people in order to stay within my budget, which I am paying for like 80% of the wedding my fiance the other 10% and my family is helping with the other 10%. So, if they are helping they are going to feel entitled to inviting whoever they want. HELP! I want my wedding to be the way I want it, but still have my family like it and enjoy it


    ADDITION: So I forgot to mention this I am not against having some Mexican music at the wedding that is fine but I do not want to have a Banda/Mariachi there I want a DJ so they can play music that my FI and I enjoy as well as some for my family i guess. The food is out of the question because my venue caters everything, and they give us the options there so there is not really any way we would have Mexican food. I just need advice on how to make me family be okay with what I am having, and also not invite people that I do not even know  to the wedding. My venue is strict about $90 per guest and they need a final head count prior to the wedding, which is something my family is not familiar with at ALL... I'm going to have problems having the RSPV  I already know.... :(
    If your parents are contributing, then they get a say in what happens at the wedding.  The easiest thing to do would be to decline their money, and pay for the wedding you and your FI would like.  


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  • LB59270LB59270 member
    First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    This is great advice. OP: If your parents/family were footing the whole bill, that would be one thing, but you have to think about the future with your husband. Spending 10's of thousand of dollars for one day is a bit ridiculous, especially if you have goals you want to set (buy a house, start a family, travel, etc.) I don't know how old you are, but if you are still young, it is important to think beyond the wedding day. Good luck!
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  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold mod
    First Answer First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its
    LB59270 said:
    This is great advice. OP: If your parents/family were footing the whole bill, that would be one thing, but you have to think about the future with your husband. Spending 10's of thousand of dollars for one day is a bit ridiculous, especially if you have goals you want to set (buy a house, start a family, travel, etc.) I don't know how old you are, but if you are still young, it is important to think beyond the wedding day. Good luck!
    It's not important to think beyond the wedding day if you're old?
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited November 2015
    I would give in on some smaller things which you don't care as much about.  Mexican wedding invitations often feature both sides of the family, and can be different than the USA/Canada standard form.  They are also sometimes bi-lingual.  What about flowers?  Is that a big deal to you?  If it isn't, you could ask a relative to "help" you choose them. 
    I distracted my mother to aspects of my wedding that I would allow her to control:  the colors, the guest list, my veil.  I insisted on a church wedding and a bridal gown for me.  I really didn't care what my sister, who was my MOH, wore.  Anyway, I knew she would choose either turquoise, blue, or purple, and I was OK with those colors.  Ooooh, please say that you will have some Mariachi music!  Love it!
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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  • mrspadilla2017mrspadilla2017 member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    Hey, this is off topic but is your venue in Lincoln? I'm a Sacramento bride here (I'm having my wedding on March 18, 2017 at The Citizen Hotel)

    Anyway, I totally know what you mean about ethnic families wanting to invite a lot of people. My fiancé is half Filipino/half Mexican (but very Americanized, his immediate family does not really have Mexican traditions and his dad doesn't even speak Spanish) but he has to invite a few of his distant relatives, like second cousins even if he's not close to them because his dad was close to them at some point. He does have a smaller representation, whereas I (3/4 Filipino and 1/4 Indian) have a huge representation and since my mom is paying for most of it, I have to invite cousins I'm not even close to anymore (I'm 26 and they're all in their 30s now), and I can't stand some of them. But yeah, I noticed that a lot of cultural weddings (Mexican, Filipino, Indian, other types of Asian, etc.) call for a huge guest list.

    You should tell your family the benefits of having a DJ versus a band (DJ's are way cheaper). You could also compromise like what everyone said and incorporate some of your Mexican culture in the wedding. And you should tell them that you want everyone to relax and have a great time without having to clean up (that should be for the people who work at the venue). Hopefully maybe that should give them some peace of mind about it. Good luck!
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  • Knottie1442615620Knottie1442615620 member
    First Comment
    First of all... congrats! You're getting married a day after me, so yay for wedding date buddies!

    Secondly, your situation seems very close to what my best friend is going through.  She is being pulled in all sorts of directions from a lot of people... family, in-laws, friends... and all can tell you is that she is MISERABLE.  What started out as a really happy event is now turning into a battlefield for her.  She thinks the problem is that she was too nice to say "no" in the beginning, so people are really reluctant to hear "no" now.  

    So here is my advice to you.  Figure out the things you absolutely will not budge on.  Whether it is the budget, the food, the guest list, whatever... find those few things where you absolutely must say "no, this has to be this way."  Then find where you may be able to bend and be flexible on a few issues.  Figure out a compromise before situations happen.  If you expect them to start inviting a lot of extra people, maybe let them know "you get 10 guests. Choose wisely."  Start anticipating problems so you can nip them at the bud.

    At the end of the day, this is YOUR wedding.  Please don't lose sight of that.  You need to do what is best for your and your fiance.  Yes, we all want our guests to be happy and have a great time, but it can't be in place of you or your fiance's happiness.  I know this is easier said than done when it comes to family, but I look at my bestie when she's planning her wedding and I see how much she dislikes her wedding.  That is heartbreaking.  Don't let your wedding become their wedding if that is not the wedding you want.
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  • SP29SP29 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I agree, figure out what you will not budge on, as well as other aspects of the wedding that you do not care about as much.

    I think you will need to be frank with your family. You can tell them that the wedding you are planning is the wedding you and your FI want, and that if the family wants to have big Mexican celebration, that can be planned by someone else at another time.

    The things you will not budge on- stand firm now. The other aspects that you care less about are areas where you can ask for advice, ideas, or help from your family. 

    Are there certain traditions that are more important than others? Can you incorporate a couple? 

    I love the idea of the Mariachi band during cocktail hour- that would go nicely, if you have the budget for it. Another idea is to have your DJ play a couple of popular Mexican songs. It sounds like your venue does all the catering, but is there a way to get a traditional Mexican side included? Or, could you buy and bring in a Mexican appetizer or dessert for either cocktail hour or late night buffet? You'll have to ask your venue- some are really sticky about outside food, but usually it will be ok if it's something small and additional (aka they still get paid for their menu items ;) ). Is there a ceremony tradition that you would like to incorporate?

    As for the RSVPs, I can understand what you mean! I am aware some cultures don't RSVP and bring along other guests. Again, I think you will have to send out your invites, addressed to whom is invited. In this case you may want to do something like" ___ seats have been reserved for you" where you write the number in. If people don't RSVP, call them up and nail down the number. 

    Good luck! 
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  • edenisleedenisle member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    Hey OP, I feel your plight.  My now husband's family (my in-laws) are hispanic and we had a few of these issues.  However, we were paying for most of it, and we compromised on other things.  One thing we did was his family wanted to bake (a few of them are professional bakers) so we did a family dessert table for the rehearsal dinner.  Maybe there is some way that you could include your family and let them be involved as they want for the RD, so that way no one is cooking, decorating, etc on the actual day, and every one can just enjoy. 

    And on the RSVP note, I totally understand too.  Three of his 6 siblings...yes, siblings...did not tell us until the week of the wedding.  Like you, I knew going in that it was going to be difficult getting an RSVP out of some.  It didn't end up being an issue because our venue decided to let us only pay for who showed up rather than the guarantee (which we were not expecting). 

    Good luck to you!
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  • erinlin25erinlin25 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer First Comment
    Hi!  Just chiming in to say I was married at Catta Verdera Country Club in 2013 and everything about that place is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!! The food, the location, the reception area, my goodness you made a great choice and I am sure when your family sees the final product they will be amazed and really happy.  Our family and friends still give us compliments of how everything turned out so lovely.  End of the day, if you are paying, you have the final say.  Stick to your guest list quota and don't be afraid to say "this is how many guests you can invite."  They will hopefully respect your budget. 

    The staff there are terrific to work with  and will go out of their way to make the day perfect for you.  I don't know if Christina is still their event planner, but she helped make the whole process so easy and everything we wanted was granted.  I enjoyed every moment of the day because I knew everything was in good hands.  I am sure you can still instill some Mexican traditions like PP's have suggested in the invitations or music, etc.  And remind your parents that this is a celebration of you and your fiance--and that you would like to instill elements of tradition from both sides of the family.  Good Luck :)
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  • OwningAHome1981OwningAHome1981 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    is the venue able to incorporate SOME Mexican dishes? That might be a good compromise... have some of the foods you want and then mix in some Mexican items too. The Mariachi band @ cocktail hour is a good idea (someone mentioned that) & maybe if there is some kind of Mexican drink you like have the bartender mix that up as well. This way the wedding incorporates some of the things to make your family happy & also you as well. Maybe you can also have the DJ play a Mexican song or 2.
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  • OwningAHome1981OwningAHome1981 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    levioosa said:
    OwningAHome1981 said:
    is the venue able to incorporate SOME Mexican dishes? That might be a good compromise... have some of the foods you want and then mix in some Mexican items too. The Mariachi band @ cocktail hour is a good idea (someone mentioned that) & maybe if there is some kind of Mexican drink you like have the bartender mix that up as well. This way the wedding incorporates some of the things to make your family happy & also you as well. Maybe you can also have the DJ play a Mexican song or 2.
    This thread is dead and from November.  This is the second thread you obviously haven't read before commenting.  You aren't new here.  You know better.  
    Wow... that was rude
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