Moms and Maids

Bridesmaid questions...help?

I'm having two girls stand next to me, our group of 3 was very close in college, and I am still very close with both however they are not as close with each other anymore. 
BM1 still lives in the same city as me and is getting married 2 months before me.
BM2 lives 2 hours by plane away, and has just quit her job to go back to school in Jan. 

A few things- 
I've never been a bridesmaid (I will be for BM1's wedding in August) so not sure what they're 'supposed' to do, but I don't plan on them having to do anything other than show up and smile big :) Do I make one of them MOH? Would it be weird to just have two BMs and no MOH? FI is having both of his brothers as groomsmen, so is indifferent as to whether one is best man or not.

Secondly, BM2 is going back to school which will be a drain on her time-wise and $$-wise. BM1 and I are still 'assisted' by our parents. I asked BM1 how she would feel if I subsidized BM2's flight/dress/hotel- she thought it was a fabulous idea (whew!) and even offered to have BM2 in her hotel room for my wedding, and to pay for BM2's flights to whatever bachelorette/bridal shower I have
1) *if* I have them
2) *if* she wants to join
I would not expect her to come, nor would I be upset if she couldn't. As long as she's there on the day, I'm excited!

How should I approach this with BM2? I just don't want my wedding to be a burden on her at all. Just fly in, get dressed, smile, eat, sleep, fly out!

Thanks!

Re: Bridesmaid questions...help?

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I'm having two girls stand next to me, our group of 3 was very close in college, and I am still very close with both however they are not as close with each other anymore. 
    BM1 still lives in the same city as me and is getting married 2 months before me.
    BM2 lives 2 hours by plane away, and has just quit her job to go back to school in Jan. 

    A few things- 
    I've never been a bridesmaid (I will be for BM1's wedding in August) so not sure what they're 'supposed' to do, but I don't plan on them having to do anything other than show up and smile big :)That's all they're required to do! Do I make one of them MOH? Would it be weird to just have two BMs and no MOH? FI is having both of his brothers as groomsmen, so is indifferent as to whether one is best man or not. This is entirely up to you.  You can have as many attendants as you want, including bridesmaids, MOHs, groomsmen, and best men as you and your FI choose.

    Secondly, BM2 is going back to school which will be a drain on her time-wise and $$-wise. BM1 and I are still 'assisted' by our parents. I asked BM1 how she would feel if I subsidized BM2's flight/dress/hotel- she thought it was a fabulous idea (whew!) and even offered to have BM2 in her hotel room for my wedding, and to pay for BM2's flights to whatever bachelorette/bridal shower I have
    1) *if* I have them
    2) *if* she wants to join
    I would not expect her to come, nor would I be upset if she couldn't. As long as she's there on the day, I'm excited!  Good attitude to have!

    How should I approach this with BM2? I just don't want my wedding to be a burden on her at all. Just fly in, get dressed, smile, eat, sleep, fly out!  I'd go with the flow, and if she brings up any financial concerns, offer to pay for her expenses just as you state here.  But don't say that you "would not expect her to come, nor would you be upset if she couldn't." She might interpret that to mean that you don't really want her to come.

    Thanks!
    My answers in bold.
    SP29
  • I'm having two girls stand next to me, our group of 3 was very close in college, and I am still very close with both however they are not as close with each other anymore. 
    BM1 still lives in the same city as me and is getting married 2 months before me.
    BM2 lives 2 hours by plane away, and has just quit her job to go back to school in Jan. 

    A few things- 
    I've never been a bridesmaid (I will be for BM1's wedding in August) so not sure what they're 'supposed' to do, but I don't plan on them having to do anything other than show up and smile big :) Do I make one of them MOH? Would it be weird to just have two BMs and no MOH? FI is having both of his brothers as groomsmen, so is indifferent as to whether one is best man or not.

    Secondly, BM2 is going back to school which will be a drain on her time-wise and $$-wise. BM1 and I are still 'assisted' by our parents. I asked BM1 how she would feel if I subsidized BM2's flight/dress/hotel- she thought it was a fabulous idea (whew!) and even offered to have BM2 in her hotel room for my wedding, and to pay for BM2's flights to whatever bachelorette/bridal shower I have
    1) *if* I have them
    2) *if* she wants to join
    I would not expect her to come, nor would I be upset if she couldn't. As long as she's there on the day, I'm excited!

    How should I approach this with BM2? I just don't want my wedding to be a burden on her at all. Just fly in, get dressed, smile, eat, sleep, fly out!

    Thanks!
    Well, you sound awesome.  I like you.  Change your username and stick around.  You're right that the only "duties" of your bridesmaids are to show up to your wedding reasonably sober and smile for some photos.

    Ask them what their budget is for a dress, and pick out something in that budget.  Or just choose a color and let them find something in their own budget.  I think it's lovely that you want to help your friend pay some expenses.  I had a friend do that for one of our common friends who was a co-bridesmaid with me.  She was chronically poor and we all always helped her out, so it made sense when the bride paid for stuff for her.  You know your friend.  You know if you need to keep your help on the DL.  Don't pick one as MOH unless someone pops out as needing that role because you couldn't imagine them NOT having it.  Besides, MOH and bridesmaid are the same thing.
    SP29
  • Great! Thanks for the advice! How do I change my username???
  • princessleia22princessleia22 Oceanfront Property in Arizona member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    You sound like an awesome bride.  You are correct, that BM's aren't required to do anything besides get a dress and show up. 

    You don't need to choose one to be MOH, unless you want to.  Or make them both MOH.  It's just a title. 

    I think it's awesome that you are able & willing to help BM out financially... and that the other BM isn't offended by it.  But, be careful because BM may not want to take to much or feel like a charity case.  I'd wait to see if she mentions financial issues with it and then offer.  Our best man originally agreed to everything for our destination wedding, then started showing signs that the cost was higher than he had expected.  So we bought his suit.  Then he shared a hotel room with his parents to further save some cost.  We offered to help with his airfare, but he refused.

    image 

  • princessleia22princessleia22 Oceanfront Property in Arizona member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    adk19 said:
    I'm having two girls stand next to me, our group of 3 was very close in college, and I am still very close with both however they are not as close with each other anymore. 
    BM1 still lives in the same city as me and is getting married 2 months before me.
    BM2 lives 2 hours by plane away, and has just quit her job to go back to school in Jan. 

    A few things- 
    I've never been a bridesmaid (I will be for BM1's wedding in August) so not sure what they're 'supposed' to do, but I don't plan on them having to do anything other than show up and smile big :) Do I make one of them MOH? Would it be weird to just have two BMs and no MOH? FI is having both of his brothers as groomsmen, so is indifferent as to whether one is best man or not.

    Secondly, BM2 is going back to school which will be a drain on her time-wise and $$-wise. BM1 and I are still 'assisted' by our parents. I asked BM1 how she would feel if I subsidized BM2's flight/dress/hotel- she thought it was a fabulous idea (whew!) and even offered to have BM2 in her hotel room for my wedding, and to pay for BM2's flights to whatever bachelorette/bridal shower I have
    1) *if* I have them
    2) *if* she wants to join
    I would not expect her to come, nor would I be upset if she couldn't. As long as she's there on the day, I'm excited!

    How should I approach this with BM2? I just don't want my wedding to be a burden on her at all. Just fly in, get dressed, smile, eat, sleep, fly out!

    Thanks!
    Well, you sound awesome.  I like you.  Change your username and stick around.  You're right that the only "duties" of your bridesmaids are to show up to your wedding reasonably sober and smile for some photos.

    Ask them what their budget is for a dress, and pick out something in that budget.  Or just choose a color and let them find something in their own budget.  I think it's lovely that you want to help your friend pay some expenses.  I had a friend do that for one of our common friends who was a co-bridesmaid with me.  She was chronically poor and we all always helped her out, so it made sense when the bride paid for stuff for her.  You know your friend.  You know if you need to keep your help on the DL.  Don't pick one as MOH unless someone pops out as needing that role because you couldn't imagine them NOT having it.  Besides, MOH and bridesmaid are the same thing.
    I agree that you should stick around.  Between your post here and on the destination board, I think you will fit in perfectly on this site.  We like people that treat their guests as humans that deserve respect.

    image 

    [Deleted User]HeffalumpSP29
  • I like you!  You are doing everything right and you sound like a great friend.  Please stick around.

    SP29
  • Great! Thanks for the advice! How do I change my username???
    @KnotRiley , Can you help?
  • Haha, you guys are so nice! 

    @princessleia22 - Maybe I will wait to see if she says anything, and then go from there. I don't want to make her feel like a charity case either! She's just had a rough go of it these last two years and I don't want to add anymore stress! I've got time, so I'll take it slow :)
  • KnotRileyKnotRiley New York, NY admin
    Moderator 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary
    Sure thing @adk19!

    @Knottie54289357 Private message me your top 3 username requests (in case one is already taken) and I'll update it for you. 

    Thanks!
  • KnotRiley said:
    Sure thing @adk19!

    @Knottie54289357 Private message me your top 3 username requests (in case one is already taken) and I'll update it for you. 

    Thanks!
    thanks!  We like this one and want to get to know her and distinguish her from the millions of Knotties out there.
    princessleia22KnotRileyOliveOilsMom
  • You're in a great position if one is going to be married and the other isn't at the time of your wedding... One can be a Maid of Honor, and the other since she'll be married could be your Matron of Honor...  Otherwise you can skip the titles...

    As for the dresses, yes, ask their budget, and if anything I'd go with David's and say "___ color and ____ material" and let them choose for themselves if their budgets are further apart.  If you want them to match, choose something that they can get locally (Macy's, Nordstrom's, Deb, JCP, Sears, David's, etc.) or order in with a great return policy if it doesn't fit. 

    Finally, it may be two hours by air, but what is it driving?  Depending on the time of year, ticket pricing, and such it may be cheaper for her to drive.  Keep the options open..

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • MesmrEwe said:

    You're in a great position if one is going to be married and the other isn't at the time of your wedding... One can be a Maid of Honor, and the other since she'll be married could be your Matron of Honor...  Otherwise you can skip the titles...

    As for the dresses, yes, ask their budget, and if anything I'd go with David's and say "___ color and ____ material" and let them choose for themselves if their budgets are further apart.  If you want them to match, choose something that they can get locally (Macy's, Nordstrom's, Deb, JCP, Sears, David's, etc.) or order in with a great return policy if it doesn't fit. 

    Finally, it may be two hours by air, but what is it driving?  Depending on the time of year, ticket pricing, and such it may be cheaper for her to drive.  Keep the options open..

    I hadn't thought of Matron and Maid- genius!!

    Driving is 13 hours to wedding site, but her parents took her car (that she paid for! But title in their name...since she purchased at 17 and paid on for 5 years) and her current vehicle is not long-distance safe :( otherwise that would be a cheaper option most likely!
  • Welcome! You do sound awesome!

    Up to you if you want to distinguish between titles, or keep them the same. I had 2 women in my party. I did call one MOH and the other BM. Not that it really makes a big difference- MOH stands beside you and holds your bouquet during your vows. I chose to have a MOH as the woman has been my best friend since I was 14. My BM is a newer, but still great friend. 

    I told them both, "Midnight blue, David's Bridal, pick what you like- hopefully something you'll wear again". MOH picked a satin calf-length dress with straps, BM picked a cotton strapless knee-length dress. (BM has worn her dress again- as a guest at another wedding). DB has many different fabrics, so if you want to be particular you can, but not all the fabrics work great on every body type. My BM was initially worried that because hers was cotton vs. satin that it wouldn't be "showy" enough, but I stressed that I didn't care, and they both looked great!

    As for your friend who lives away. As for the money, I think that is best for you to decide based on your relationship. Unless you think it would offend your friend, I don't think there is any reason why you couldn't simply tell her, "I am offering to pay for your flight to attend the wedding". Leave it at that- no explanation or insinuation that you are expecting it to be a hardship- and I wouldn't bring it up again, let her make the decision and come to you, but the offer is open. 
  • Thanks SP, good tip regarding the flight, just offer and leave it as that. :)
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