Pre-wedding Parties

FMIL insists on bridal shower.

Hey there,

I'm getting married in June, and I've openly expressed with everyone that FI and I do not want a bridal shower. We are both extremely shy, and large groups make me anxious. Our guest list for the wedding is only 40 people. Also, we already live together and have for some time. There really isn't anything I think we would even register for. That being said, FMIL called me last night to inform me of the date, time and location of my bridal shower and requested a copy of the StD list to invite them all. I love this woman and am very grateful that she's so excited, as this is the first wedding for her children, but after months of sharing my discomfort over a bridal shower I feel backed into a wall. And once I told her we didn't want to register (or even have a shower..) her solution was to set up a honeyfund in our name. So my options are a bridal shower that I'll have to take a xanax for, or a honeyfund that I'm also deeply against. Not sure if I'm looking for advice or just to vent. Either way, thanks for reading. 

Re: FMIL insists on bridal shower.

  • You need to call her and tell her that you're not going to be attending.

    I'd start as a heart to heart but if she's not backing down you need to tell her in no uncertain terms that she's gone from excited mother to meddling busybody and you will not be giving into her desires simply because she did something without your consent.   Frankly, I'd ask my FI to make a phone call telling her to back off. 
    VicTim328[Deleted User]
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    mod

    Nope. Tell her you are not comfortable and you will not attend.

    What are you going to do when she tells you that you MUST name your first born daughter Beulah after her dear mother? Or that you MUST breastfeed because she breastfed her children? Or that you MUST live in the suburbs because cities are dirty? Moral of the story - put your foot down now.

    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    VicTim328[Deleted User]InLoveInQueenssparklepants41
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    Hey there,

    I'm getting married in June, and I've openly expressed with everyone that FI and I do not want a bridal shower. We are both extremely shy, and large groups make me anxious. Our guest list for the wedding is only 40 people. Also, we already live together and have for some time. There really isn't anything I think we would even register for. That being said, FMIL called me last night to inform me of the date, time and location of my bridal shower and requested a copy of the StD list to invite them all. I love this woman and am very grateful that she's so excited, as this is the first wedding for her children, but after months of sharing my discomfort over a bridal shower I feel backed into a wall. And once I told her we didn't want to register (or even have a shower..) her solution was to set up a honeyfund in our name. So my options are a bridal shower that I'll have to take a xanax for, or a honeyfund that I'm also deeply against. Not sure if I'm looking for advice or just to vent. Either way, thanks for reading. 
    Ditto PPs.  Let her know that you appreciate the gesture and that you do not want a bridal shower.  Also enlist your FI to help as this is his mother.



    Anniversary
    [Deleted User]
  • Thanks ladies. I've told her more times than I am able to count that we did not want this. Its a highly uncomfortable thing for us. I'm iffy on gift giving as it is, and the idea of sitting around getting gifts and everything gives me hives. I so wish this is something I was excited for, but its not.

    Her and I had a long conversation the other day about this, and I thought we were both on the same page. No bridal shower does not translate into planning one behind my back. She even stated she would go with us to register so we are "getting all the right stuff". I'm trying to take things with a grain of salt, but I really dont want this to be a big blow out, nor do I want to be a doormat.

    FI came home on his lunch break about ten minutes after I posted this, and we talked about it in more detail. He agreed to call her tonight and again express our wishes. Maybe she will take it better hearing it from him.
    Good.  And get rid of the honeyfund.  There is no way on god's green earth that I would want my name associated with that kind of nonsense.
    CMGragainInLoveInQueenslc07
  • Quite frankly, it doesn't matter how she takes it.   She should know that she put you in an uncomfortable position after you said no.   And right now her choices are to stop the shower and take down the registry or she's going to look really silly when you don't show up.   
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    member
    edited November 2015
    It ultimately doesn't matter how well she takes it or who from. She had no business setting up that honeyfund and it sends a very rude message. As for the shower itself, if you and your FI between you can't get her to drop the idea, it may be that the only way she will drop it is if you aren't there.

    If you know who she wants to invite to it, you might want to give them a heads-up that any invitation from her for a shower for you that they receive from your FMIL should be disregarded since you didn't agree to the shower, it was planned after you told your FMIL this, and you don't plan to be in attendance yourself.
    [Deleted User]
  • You all have had some great advice and points. Thank you so very much. Going to call her tonight and go from there. I'll update after we talk.

    [Deleted User]
  • I would love an update. I am going through something very similar. I had a dream last night that FMIL set up a registry in secret, so I expect tonight it in the dream it will be a honeyfund.
  • edited December 2015
    I totally forgot the update! The conversation went ok, we compromised. I told her if she really wanted to plan something, and to be more involved that there were plenty of other things we need input on. So she's making my birdcage from pieces of her veil, helping fold and stuff the invites (HUGE relief, as these are ridiculous), and helping with the centerpieces. I apologised to her if it seemed like she wasnt included enough, and she was thrilled to offer up her services for the other things. I'm sure we will butt heads again over the other things, but I feel like we are on more common ground than before.

    Edited for spelling. Damn you auto correct.

    mileybangerzMairePoppythisismynickname2[Deleted User]
  • Sounds like a great outcome all round.

    Honeyfund bullet dodged!
                 
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